LCD Views

IT’S LIKE MAKING SAUSAGES : The UK’s second last Prime Minister, for 2022, has made his latest pitch to lead the Tory Party again, and thus the United Kingdom.

“They need me more than I need them,” Mr Johnson told LCD Views. “Letting me lead the party again will be the easiest deal in history. Tory MPs can keep all the same benefits they have now, in terms of use of public funds and ease of access to titles. I mean, just lay back and think of the bungs. Do you know that if foreign interests lend you money, and they don’t have financial dealings in the UK, you don’t have to record it with parliament? It’s so much fun.”

But while some Tory MPs, who have performed lobotomies on themselves, are open to being led by the human equivalent of a crooked slot machine, some are not so enthusiastic.

“What has Boris ever done for us?” is the commonest response. “He couldn’t even fix the parliamentary standards system to let old Paterson off. What use is he? At least Rishi has shown his quality. He’s recovered 1% of Covid fraud, which is a little high, if you ask me, but he combs his hair. Daily. And now he’s going after the beggars! Which is nice. He can find the enemy within. And to continue to confuse the British public, while extracting the last of their wealth, we need someone who can speak in coherent sentences while we organise the voting laws to stay in power forever.”

But those who would write Boris off need to be aware that he has a killer play to make.

“Yes, he’s just recycling all the slogans Dom wrote for him. Like ‘Take Back Control’ and other nonsense, because he can’t actually think for himself, but that doesn’t mean that pre-loved tricks are useless. You just wait until he parks a big, red bus outside of Con HQ with the promise to give every MP £350m per week if they let him be PM again. The greedy buggers will be back at the trough before you know it.”

But what happens when the money fails to materialise?

“We’ll just blame the EU of course. And the last Labour government. It worked before.”

Bring Back Boris? As sensible a policy as bringing back syphilis.

LOOK AT THE EYES : The United Kingdom’s world beating Prime Minister, Rishi Sunak, has taken a giant stride forward today to solve the problem of refugees crossing La Manche.

“While lesser nations go about draining their coffers to feed international welfare tourists, our Prime Minister is getting to the root and branch of the thorny bush of desperate people fleeing war and starvation, out of the naive hope that the civilised world retains some of the lessons of the first half of the 20th Century,” a 10 Downing Street spokesman told LCD Views.

While some have suggested that the perennial war, famine, disease and climate change problems require an international solution, where all countries work together, exceptional Britain is having none of it!

“We could try and work cooperatively with our enemies in Europe,” the spokesman explained, “but that would impinge on our sovereignty. We’re taking a different path. The British people have been groomed to expect us to debase and dehumanise refugees and we aren’t about to let them down.”

The plan, reportedly conceived during a daydreaming session, which happened during a fever dream, which occurred during a dose of mental diarreah, involves talking directly with the people responsible for mistreating their fellow citizens so badly they risk death to escape.

“The Taliban have shown themselves to be reasonable,” the spokesman says. “Why, they even gave girls advance warning that they weren’t to be educated. What’s more reasonable than that? I’m sure we can have a successful dialogue where we state the number of refugees we’re willing to watch drown in the Channel each year, and they arrange their end. It’s basic supply and demand.”

What number did you have in mind?

“Zero.”

So you’re going to ramp up efforts to save people from drowning?

No. You misunderstand. Zero is the number of refugees we expect to agree to save from the Taliban. It’s basic electoral politics, and I’m sure our partners in Afghanistan will agree to it.”

BLATHER BOT : The Conservative Party is on the defensive today, and not for underpaying nurses so severely many are forced to rely on charity to avoid starving to death.

The latest problem concerns their recently released AI chat bot. The Party has claimed it is both self-aware and sentient, but anyone encountering any of its blathering rants has dismissed this as plainly barking mad. In fact, the LA1984, doesn’t respond to any inputs or show any perceptible ability to learn anything at all.

“It does distract attention from Russian money in our party coffers though,” a Tory HQ spokesman told LCD Views. “Which was distracting attention away from the catastrophic damage austerity has done to our social fabric. Which was distracting attention from the lies we told to get our Brexit fever dream realised, which was distracting from the crime scene we turned the pandemic into, which was distracting from the fact that everything we’ve touched since returning to power has degraded to the point of being a global embarrassment.”

The spokesman paused for a moment and a spinning colour wheel appeared momentarily in their irises, before they continued.

“We really understand how to run a country, and an economy, just look at the fresh road markings in your area, the lack of trash on our streets, the fact you don’t have to wait weeks to get a GP appointment.”

Another pause as their face went blue, before colour returned.

“Oh, and the people we expect to do unpaid social work don’t have to wait so long for knee and hip replacements they need the unpaid social care themselves. Which they can give themselves. So that’s a virtuous circle right there, and one we couldn’t have achieved if we hadn’t done Brexit.”

But what are you going to do about the chat bot MP? On its first public test it was discovered fabricating an encounter with a voter, and should arguably have been switched off right there.

“Well its daily rantings distract from the sewage in our waters. Which distract from the fact we are allowing energy companies to profiteer off a war and make you all so poor. And its completely safe from being reprogrammed by input from the public, as its code is incredibly dense.”

The interview was terminated there when it became obvious we were talking to another Tory chatbot that was also incapable of self-awareness, or intelligent discourse.

What the party intends to do about their Lee Anderson chatbot is unclear though. He does push the boat out for the death penalty crowd, and once the country is fully sovereign in terms of human rights, that’ll be a whole new field to excel in. Just like Brexit.

It seems the wait for intelligence in the government will be a long one, and its likely some internet search engine will become self-aware first.

TO BE HUMAN, OR NOT TO BE HUMAN, THAT IS THE QUESTION, whether ‘tis nobler in government to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous wokery. The Bard may not have been thinking of human rights when he put those famous words into Hamlet’s mouth, but his hero’s pains are a direct parallel to the dilemma faced by Rishi Sunak’s administration.

Sunak’s problem is not rationalising his own life and death, but that of others. Sunak is the bigger man here, thinking outside his own echo chamber (although there must be a brain in there somewhere). His problem is a small number of refugees, about whom a disproportionate amount of noise emanates from the rightest of his own right whingers.

His is a government of least resistance. The easiest path is always taken, the less planning (and therefore the less money spent) the better. Unfortunately, in the case of refugees the line is Send ‘Em Home. More unfortunately, these individuals are assigned human rights, which means that Sending ‘Em Home is illegal. 

This is a shame, say the Headbangers, since removing their rights would facilitate the process. So what can be done?

What are the options? Withdrawing from the EHCR is one easy option. But but but. The UK’s reputation is already thoroughly diminished through Brexit. This must never, ever, be acknowledged, of course, but adding another reason to damage the UK internationally is unthinkable to all except the most highly crazed fantasists.

The other option is to redefine humanity. This is attractive because Sunak’s government may set its own parameters to suit itself. And, thanks to our Great British Brexit, Brussels is no longer permitted to meddle in British affairs.

What will these parameters be? Nobody, alas, wanted to go on the record. Nigel Farage definitely didn’t remark that coloured skin is one condition that precludes humanity. Suella Braverman is not on record as saying that anyone who had ever been in a safe country is not British, and therefore not human. Neither did she say that the UK is not a safe country. Grant Shapps did not accidentally disclose that anyone worth less than a million pounds will not be regarded as being human. Boris Johnson definitely said “Yes, no, yes, erm, wiff waff, I’m, erm, yes, no, erm, making a return to frontline politics, whatever that means, tempus fugit, ooo champers, here’s my fridge!”, but nobody really thought that he meant it.

It’s time to rejoin the Animal Kingdom. Except that animals now have rights too… Is there no end to the Wokery of the world?