THERE AIN’T NO PARTY LIKE A CONSERVATIVE PARTY: Leading Conservatives are planning to celebrate the local election results by creating extra Bank Holidays. For every seat they win in the local elections, Sub-Prime Minister Rishi Sunak has pledged to give hard-working Brits an extra day off.
The news was announced as the Tories suddenly realised the importance of these results. “Normally we don’t give a rat’s arse about these local non-events,” claimed Conservative party analyst Titus A. Ratsbottom. “That’s why the candidates call themselves ‘local’ Conservatives, we have nothing to do with them, and they have nothing to do with us. Quite rightly, if I may say so. Our ‘local’ friends are only masquerading as Tories, the real toffs are in power or in clover. Or in both, of course. Unfortunately, our very own gutter press is acting like the treacherous fools they are, and somehow equating these insufferable yokels to the National Party.”
Ratsbottom took a moment to endure a minute’s intense apoplexy at the mere thought of levelling up toffs and plebs. His face turned a delicious shade of gammon. The red face and white military moustache made him look like a no entry sign with eyes.
“Those traitorous bastards are going to ensure that we lose every single seat!” he harrumphed finally. “People will link failing hospitals, unstoppable inflation, and all the rest of it, to the Conservatives! This is intolerable! Something Must Be Done!”
Meanwhile, in Westminster, the alleged PM was trying hard to Do Something. Say what you like about Sunak – so we will. He follows in a long line of Conservative PMs who do little but throw out paltry bribes to the electorate. This time, the pledge that will be reneged upon is an extra Bank Holiday for every seat won by the Conservatives, ‘local’ or otherwise.
Vote Conservative and never work again? Sounds like the ideal slogan.