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Knighting Tony Blair wins “Dead Cat 2022 Award” for Boris Johnson

OVER BEFORE IT STARTED : Prime Minister Boris Johnson is reported to be suffering a serious low after only just being as high as a kite on his own genius.

The cause of the moodiness is rumoured to be the sudden awareness that he is unlikely to come up with a better dead cat to distract “the left” than knighting Tony Blair.

“The PM only really has a few things that give him a reason to get out of bed in the morning,” a worried 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Shagging is clearly top of the list. The whole country if possible, weekly. Drinking. That goes without saying. And winding up the left to distract from all the horrible stuff he does each day.”

While the honours system is now so debased that anyone pausing a moment could be forgiven for thinking a Johnson gong is actually a negative, making the gristly old T-Bone a Sir has done a wonderful job of taking many an opposition activist’s eye off the ball.

“This will blow over of course and the rampant and potentially criminal mishandling of the pandemic will come back into focus,” the source frets. “And a new dead cat will be required. Most of the ghastly stuff we do is wrongly called a dead cat, but Tony is a special one. But where to turn now? When you’re demolishing all standards of representative democracy you need to keep the people frothing and looking anywhere but at whatever Patel is doing.”

It’s thought there is some potential gain though in doubling down on Blair.

“We may make him Lord Islington,” the source grins. “That will keep the Labour activists scratching each other’s eyes out for a bit while we sell the NHS lock, stock and barrel to the US.”

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BREAKING : Downing Street appoints Clandestine Christmas Party Planner

IS IT SECRET IS IT SAFE : Everyone in the UK can calm down now and stop worrying over Prime Minister Boris Johnson’s seasonal party plans in his endless pandemic with the announcement that he has appointed a Clandestine Christmas Party Planner.

The new position has already been filled by an anonymous figure who is said to have studied the work of Dan the Clandestine Channel Threat Commander closely to ensure they remain “completely invisible and serve no useful function at all, so far as the public are concerned”.

There is said to be a generous pay and entitlements package associated with the job with a “peerage virtually guaranteed so long as no one finds out what party games the Johnsons play this Christmas”.

The need for the British Prime Minister to conceal his rampant hypocrisy is becoming more pressing now. Once or twice ministers have been called on their egregious horseshit in television interviews and there is a concern it maybe impacting on polling. No one should be worried that the concern is public health and safety because “all that profit reducing nonsense went out the door with Brexit”.

“Rules will be broken and you will not find out about it,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Normally we break rules to show you that we have the power, but now a change in tack is called for.”

The first job of the party planner will be to conceal the arrival of mountains of champagne for the Christmas period at 10 Downing Street. After that they will have to arrange a secret ball, which may or may not see some senior police officers in attendance, along with some famous journalists.

“You’ll never know, so I wouldn’t worry about it,” the source adds. “By the way you have to stop talking about Johnson’s pandemic rule breaking 2020 Christmas parties because they’re now listed under the Official Secrets Act.”

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Boris Johnson’s Christmas “marked safe” regardless of circumstances

YOUR SACRIFICES ARE NOTED : Calming news for the shattered nerves of Blighty today with the announcement by 10 Downing Street that whatever happens the Prime Minister’s Christmas party plans will remain unaltered.

“The public should be in no doubt that no catastrophe or calamity afflicting them will stand in the way of the PM getting hammered in the festive season with his close circle of friends,” a 10 Downing Street spokesman told the country. “Mr Johnson did not scheme, bully and lie his way to the top just to let tens of thousands of avoidable deaths among the plebs stop the champagne corks from popping.”

The reassurance that Mr Johnson’s Christmas is safe this year comes as the story breaks that it was also safe last year.

“As you were all making the great sacrifices required last year because Mr Johnson ignored the science and refused to lockdown in the autumn, preferring the pseudo-science, economic illiteracy of his Chancellor, Mr and Mrs Johnson were having a fantastic time with their friends in the public housing stock you pay for.”

The spokesman went on to confirm that last year’s Christmas Party at 10 Downing Street was “mask less” because they thought it unlikely to be able to source sufficient “Restoration era garb” in time for a masked ball.

“The Great British public can look forward to Christmas 2021 knowing that no new variant, no alien invasion, no thermonuclear war, no plague, fire or famine will stop the Johnson’s ripping the piss out of you in private, even as they urge you to behave in exactly the opposite way in public. Merry Christmas, those of you who have survived another year of Boris Johnson as PM.”

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¿Qué es una apuesta combinada? Te explicamos todos los detalles

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Los totales implican apostar a si el puntaje total del evento será superior o inferior a una cantidad específica. Aunque las cuotas aumentan cada evento añadido, el riesgo también crece. Para ganar, es necesario acertar todos los pronósticos incluidos en la combinación, lo que incrementa el riesgo, pero también la recompensa.

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La cantidad de dinero destinado para apostar en los diferentes eventos deportivos se denomina el bankroll, se puede tener distribuido en una sola casa de apuesta o en varias. La información mínima necesaria que debe contener esta guía es; visitar Oddspedia.com para entender y desarrollar estrategias, ubicar una casa de apuesta segura y confiable, aplicar la estrategia conveniente al apostar, manteniendo control de tus emociones. Una guía básica contiene orientaciones tanto,para los principiantes como los avanzados, para aplicar las mejores estrategias de apuestas y evitar correr riesgos. Así mismo, las mejores estrategias de apuestas son importantes, porque cuando decidas apostar evitarás cometer errores que podrían ser fatales al tomar decisiones irreflexivas y equivocadas que tengan consecuencias negativas, como es la pérdida de la apuesta. Las estrategias de apuestas son muy importantes, porque aportan a los jugadores las herramientas necesarias para ¡Ganar!

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Trate de elegir entre 3 y 5 selecciones bien investigadas para equilibrar el riesgo y la recompensa. Si bien es tentador agregar múltiples opciones para aumentar las ganancias potenciales, más selecciones implican mayores riesgos. Sin embargo, las mayores recompensas conllevan mayores riesgos. Tampoco pierdas de vista las promociones y posibilidades de cerrar la apuesta, que siempre serán más interesantes en las combinadas que en las apuestas simples.

Bajo mi punto de vista, Betway es una casa de apuestas apta para todo tipo de usuario. También, cabe destacar su oferta en carreras de caballos, con alrededor de 100 carreras disponibles al día. Además, es una de las mejores casas de apuesta para apostar a los esports, ofreciendo una sección exclusiva para apostar a juegos electrónicos. Después de 10 años operando de manera bet-on.win legal en España, en mi opinión, Betway es una casa de apuestas muy completa.

Desde la gestión de bankroll hasta el análisis de estadísticas y el aprovechamiento de promociones, cada estrategia juega un papel crucial en tu éxito como apostador. Además, utiliza tecnología de encriptación avanzada para proteger tus datos personales y financieros, brindándote la tranquilidad de que tu información está a salvo. Esto garantiza que todas las operaciones en la plataforma sean seguras, transparentes y justas. El gigante sueco en Chile es una plataforma regulada y licenciada por autoridades internacionales, como la Autoridad de Malta para los Juegos de Azar (MGA). Pero, ¿qué hace que Betsson sea la opción ideal para quienes buscan una experiencia de apuestas segura, emocionante y llena de oportunidades?

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Por muy buenas que sean tus predicciones, si no administras bien tu capital, corres el riesgo de perderlo con unas pocas decisiones apresuradas. Se recomienda ver el encuentro en directo o seguir estadísticas fiables que reflejen el desarrollo minuto a minuto. Las apuestas en vivo de Betano ofrecen la oportunidad de reaccionar en tiempo real a los cambios que se producen durante un partido. Tener en cuenta todo ello marca la diferencia a la hora de localizar buenas cuotas, tanto en apuestas simples como en mercados combinados. Para elevar tu nivel de aciertos, el análisis de estadísticas es esencial. Las estrategias avanzadas buscan afinar tus pronósticos con un enfoque más analítico, ayudándote a identificar ventajas puntuales en ciertos partidos o mercados.

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BREAKING : Masks to be worn in two places Tory MPs don’t go from 4pm Tuesday

PICK ANY VARIANT YOU LIKE : GREAT NEWS TODAY FOR WORRIED BRITONS that the geniuses governing them will not see any appreciable impact on their own lifestyles by the changes to the rules in the tantric pandemic.

Designing the rules around the lifestyles of Tory MPs and donors has been a key plank of pandemic policy, especially when it comes to the time to discard the rules. Now from 4pm Tuesday masks will have to be worn on public transport and in the supermarket, but not anywhere fun, so that’s alright.

“This is because the crafty little virus really only targets places where poor people go,” newly promoted Tory Minister for Infections, Basil Toilet-Brush MP told LCD Views. “You know, those little crowded cans they shuffle back and forward in to the mill. Or to mill as a low value economic unit may say. Also to market. But fine dining, the pub and the sweaty private rooms of private members clubs will be immune from the inconveniences.”

The decision to give the new variant several days grace before the change in the rules has also been seen as displaying the PM’s sense of “sportsmanship” and “fair play”.

“There’s no suggestion we will need until late Tuesday to pick donors to throw lucrative contracts at,” the minister reassured.

Fears about non-compliance with the new rules have been eased too, especially in the knowledge that Tory MPs are incapable of adhering to basic rules which safeguard other people.

“There are two places Tory MPs simply do not go,” Toilet-Brush MP stated. “That’s the supermarket and on public transport. So there is no need to fear any of us being fined for non-compliance. We will be in full compliance with the law. The drones who serve us will have to fight for themselves in Tesco. Or on the tube. But that’s fine by us because we don’t care. Now. Another glass of pandemic? It’s a very good vintage this year.”

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UK PM “FURIOUS” after SAS refuse mission to leave burning bag of dog poo on Macron’s doorstep

WHO DARES SINS : The British Prime Minister Boris Johnson is reportedly “livid” after the famous British Special Air Service refused a direct order to undertake a secret, diplomatic mission to France said to be “about Johnson’s level of statecraft”.

There were high expectations in 10 Downing Street of British boots on French soil, but not on the beaches, but those hopes now lay dashed because of an outbreak of “snowflakery” in the elite commando force.

“Is Mr Johnson the Commander in Chief or not?” a 10 Downing Street source asked LCD Views, because apparently no one in the famous address actually knew.

It’s said that the Prime Minister himself personally dreamed up the idea of taking a brown paper bag, filling it with Dylin (the prop dog’s) poo and ordering the SAS to sneak into France and leave it BURNING on the front steps of the Élysée Palace.

“What has happened to the famous fighting spirit of British troops?” the source queried. “Putting it up the French is the sole purpose of British enlisted men and always has been, without fail. Is this the 21st century or not? We’ll have to look at a private alternative.”

The decision by the SAS to refuse the mission means that a new defence force review will be ordered by 10 Downing Street.

“Clearly we need a patriotic to takeover. Preferably one who books their profits in a tax haven but makes their money in the U.K. We are going to need to modernise the SAS to make it fit for purpose for the bizarre mind palace the small man in 10 Downing Street lives in.”

For their part their French appear to have declined to comment on the leaked plans preferring instead to use their membership of the largest trading bloc on Earth to wield influence.

“SAS or SAD?” Mr Johnson is said to be asking anyone he can find inside 10 Downing Street, and will continue to do so until someone laughs just to make him shut up and go away.

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Save Easter – British supermarkets ordered to put up Easter displays before Christmas

A PERFECTLY NORMAL COUNTRY : 10 DOWNING STREET is said to have solved the problem of how to keep morale high post Christmas in post-Brexit Britain.

Speculation had been rife that once the 90 days of Christmas concludes with actual Christmas 2021 that the public may feel there isn’t a lot to look forward to, but there is.

“We’re going to save Easter next,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “There was a lot of debate in cabinet over which national holiday to focus on next with Mrs Johnson pushing for Valentine’s Day, but she was eventually over ruled by a collective vote by some foreign donors. So Easter it is.”

The battle to save Easter will begin before the battle to safe Christmas is concluded in order to make the endless struggle to salvage national holidays “seamless”.

“Easter needs Great Britain more than Great Britain needs Easter,” the source explains. “As soon as we fill the aisles of the country’s supermarkets with chocolate eggs the people of this great nation will see that everything is under control.”

Extending national holidays over many months has become a key plank of Brexit governance.

“There is some speculation that Christmas may need to become a year long festival that begins on the 1st of January and concludes on the 31st December. But that is a decision to be taken after we actually implement the Brexit people voted for. Currently our borders are pretty much open to smuggle in whatever goods you like, so we may get away with just a three month long affair like this year. Everything is normal. Look! Doors have wreaths on them in November!”

Quite what the nation’s major supermarkets think about having to start saving Easter before they’ve finished saving Christmas isn’t yet clear.

“They’ll do as they’re told,” the source shrugs, “or the Prime Minister will turn up to one of their annual meetings and give a speech. And no one needs that when they’re battling supply chain issues.”

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