Category: Governing the people

PENNY PINCHING PHILANDERER : Aren’t we all happy today to know that the nanny state has cast its stern eye over the children of the nation and decided to get them in shape.

“Any GP will tell you losing weight is not just about exercise, you also have to watch what you eat,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Which is why we’re making the overweight, slovenly, work shy British worker poorer. Less money for food. Less flab. More money for the private sector contracted to provide social care services. It’s a win win. We should be thanked.”

And thanked Downing Street will be for the speed with which it has pivoted from generous state supporting (some of) the people through a bungled response to a pandemic and over to reverse Robin Hood tax rises.

“It’s great,” one lucky voter told LCD Views. “The 10% increase in my NI contributions? That’s fantastic. Being treated like I have see you next Tuesday written on my forehead by Tories? It brings me back a sense of normality. The furlough scheme had me all unbalanced. But robbing me blind? Pushing me into food poverty, even though I work? Boris Johnson doing that says the universe has regained its balance. They should raise VAT while they’re at it. Except on luxury goods.”

Less money for food is also expected to lead to greater productivity for British business.

“People were always bunking off to eat a snack before the NI rise,” one Tory MP who knows fuck all told LCD Views. “Now with less money to spend on food there’ll be less hiding in the toilets to eat a sugary treat.”

As for the wealthy who will be largely unaffected by the proposed tax rises?

“It’s wrong to say they’re laughing all the way to the bank,” the MP added. “It’s all done by wire transfers these days. You can make tens of billions disappear from the public purse at the push of a button.”

EVERY LITTLE BIT HELPS : The United Kingdom’s King Boris Johnson was elected on a promise to Get Brexit Done and solve the social care promise.

The second promise was clearly a load of horse shit tacked onto his campaigning to broaden his offer from just Brexit, which of course no one with half a brain would have done.

“It’s a bit tricky now,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “We’ve a man with half a brain trying to solve the social care crisis and fully 3/4’s of that half a brain has previously been devoted to conducted extramarital affairs. I’m not sure he’s up to it.”

The major obstacle is how to make the poor pay more so the money can be funnelled into tax havens, but convince them it’s all fair?

“We are thinking about getting a bus and painting it with a number that out of context looks large. Then we can just drive it around the country. It worked before. Maybe it’ll work now.”

There’s additional confusion due to the ongoing pandemic.

“It’s clear the mismanagement of the pandemic along the lines of eugenics has reduced the social care burden considerably,” the source muses. “However it’s a Johnson strategy so it’s incredibly short term. What it if creates a lot of chronic illness which exacerbated the social care crisis? We’re not smart enough to work this out.”

There’s also the conundrum of how to take everyone’s equity off them, which is stored in home ownership, and give it to wealthy Tories, but still have people believe the housing market is the store of aspiration in the country.

“Why bother spending your entire life in debt up to your eyeballs if you’re just going to have to cash in that asset so your kids can use the liquidity to pay some private firm to wipe your parents bums? Still, maybe we’ll get lucky and no one will notice?”

The most likely way out seems to be to link two crises together.

“People should be grateful really,” the source adds. “They’re saving a lot on groceries now thanks to Brexit emptying the shelves. They should be saving those savings towards their care in old age, while continuing to pay National Insurance. It’s either that or tax the super rich and no sane Tory who likes a steady stream of political donations is going to do that!”

A CASE OF MISTAKEN IDENTITY: Puffed up, dressed up, lightweight. No, not the latest set of candidates on Strictly or The X Factor, but the (alleged) Prime Minister. So keen was he to appear to be working while on a much undeserved break that he took his World Beating dressing up box with him. 

In a Worldwide Exclusive, LCD Views can reveal the depth of thought that went into this harebrained idea. This depth is so deeply profound that it must be measured in microns. 

This scoop was obtained, not by wielding a huge sum of money, but by default. All of the mainstream press were desperate to point out how hard Johnson is supposed to be working. But none of them wanted to admit that it’s all an act. 

Today, since the public eye is on Dominic Raab and his refusal to disclose the date he went on holiday, Johnson can relax and pretend to be a tubby middle aged man on holiday. His work done, he may then resume actually being a tubby middle aged man on holiday for the rest of the day. 

But tomorrow, who knows? Executive Holiday Consultant Heidi High had some inside information. 

“I help Boris with his packing,” she revealed. “I mean, I have a friend who helps him. Possibly she helps him in other respects too, I couldn’t possibly comment, but I do know which items went into the dressing up box.” 

Do tell! 

“There’s a hi viz jacket in every conceivable colour,” she said. “And hundreds of hard hats. A butcher’s apron and a string of sausages. A collection of lab coats. Several dozen Union Jacks. Scrubs and a stethoscope. A mop and bucket. There’s loads of it!” 

The only outfit missing seems to be something appropriate for a Minister of State. Instead of dressing up, he should be getting a dressing down. 

KEEP ‘EM HUNGRY KEEP ‘EM KEEN : The United Kingdom is a world leader in both the food bank and free school meals sector. Few industrialised countries that aren’t the USA prepare their underprivileged youth with such vigour for the dog eat dog world of reduced employment rights and job insecurity.

Thanks to the sensible, self-imposed limitations of Brexit the U.K. is set to ramp up the way it prepares poorer children for endless Tory rule. Food supplies are in crisis and the crisis needs to be digested by the right people in the right institutions.

“Feed Your Betters is a new campaign we’re launching in all schools,” a Department of Education spokesman told LCD Views. “Poor children will be asked to skip meals to ensure that their more intelligently born contemporaries have their nutritional needs met so they physically develop properly in order to go on to govern their lessers.”

The scheme will involve coordination across government departments with the Home Office assisting the Education Secretary, while the Chancellor ensures the purse strings are loose enough so that no one actually perishes from hunger fast, but tight enough to ensure low born are thinking about food more than their lessons.

“The Food Enforcement Police will intercept and divert lorries full of fresh produce from their intended destinations of state schools full of shabby never do wells and divert the food to Eton, Harrow, Basket, Hive and other vital institutions to guarantee the future of strong and stable governance in the United Kingdom.”

But it won’t all be one way traffic. The born to rule youngsters will daily select one bread roll which will be returned to a state school chosen by lottery. The bread roll will have several weevils inserted prior to return to make sure it includes the right level of protein to meet new means tested guidance.

“A live stream will broadcast the poor children fighting in a ring over the bread roll with the victor receiving a standing ovation over zoom from the better kids. Just imagine your pride when your bruised and battered offspring hold the bloodied roll, or what is left of it, up to the webcam.”

There were thoughts of having the posh kids actually visit to watch the bread brawling in person but this has been put on hold for the time being.

The Education Department explained why.

“Do you want several future prime ministers exposed to that nasty cold which is out of control in state schools all at once? You don’t want to risk the next Cameron or Johnson getting an illness that might cause chronic conditions in their childhood. That’s an advantage squarely pegged for the deserving poor.”

YOU VOTED FOR GULAGS : BRITISH CITIZENS have failed to heed the summons to work and now the British government has to take the corrective action required to rectify the slovenly habits of a famously work shy population.

The productivity puzzle has long been an issue for the British economy, with austerity, privatising public services and making them rubbish, failing to invest to modernise infrastructure and everyone having to spend hours just to get to and from work as a result having nothing to do with it.

“The situation with HGV drivers, farm workers and hospitality short staffing can not be allowed to deteriorate further,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “We’ve pulled some army drivers in for transport, but that is a sticking plaster. We’re allowing restaurants to employ prisoners, but that only gets us so far because the last Labour government failed to imprison enough Brits.”

The solution it seems is a mass imprisonment drive.

“Priti Patel came up with it,” the source explains, “which will surprise no one. She’s a real firecracker when it comes to crime and punishment. From today we will be criminalising such activities as ‘being outdoors’ and ‘grocery shopping’. Being outdoors will also include being in your back yard. So watch out. If you don’t want to find yourself plucking chickens in a farm in Norfolk by close of play today, stay inside. Or go overseas like a Tory MP.”

The mass imprisonment scheme will obviously exclude Tory MPs, their families and donors, but everyone else is for it.

“You actually want to be the first to be imprisoned and released to forced labour,” the source advises. “We don’t have sufficient police to enforce even a ban on e scooters. So the initial wave of detainees will become police who will then arrest people for soft fruit farms. Go for a walk after lunch today and be in uniform before you get home. Be a self-starter, or find yourself in chains on a farm.”

Global Britain. It’s what a minority of the people wanted after an industrial psy-ops campaign, but all get to share the benefits.

LOOK INTO MY EYES : BORIS JOHNSON’S holiday plans are in tatters this week after a lazy assumption that everyone else in the UK is as indifferent to suffering as he is.

Even critics of the beleaguered Prime Minister are feeling moved to sympathy today as the crisis involving Mr Johnson’s failed Foreign Secretary, Dominic Raab, grips the news cycle for another day.

“It’s not fair, really, is it?” Ranter176 said on Twitter. “He has been able to show a disregard of human suffering at home. Since the Tories first returned to power in 2010 and then really ramping that callous indifference right up during the pandemic. What government allows an endless culture war debate over masks in a respiratory pandemic? What government allows women holding a vigil to be slammed into the dirt but anti-mask idiots to protest outside vaccination centres? And youngsters terrified for the future of their planet face long prison centres? Not a government that is focused on public health and safety as a priority. Not by appearances. Anyway, this 280 character limit for Tweets needs looking at. I’ve got a lot of sympathy for the old shagger and I can’t give”

But the unusual shows of support will do little to help the sorry state of Mr Johnson’s administration.

“We are looking for a slogan to solve this crisis,” a 10 Downing Street aide told LCD Views. “Something like Get Afghanistan Done could work. Other than that we are flummoxed. What to get Raab to resign for that Johnson hasn’t himself also done?”

Clearly there is intense confusion in the Executive. Not only the initial error of going along with anything prize idiot Donald Trump initiated, but how to solve what it is a deeply damaging furore that shows no sign of stopping.

“We’re firefighting. It’s true. The current position is to pretend the Taliban can be trustworthy partners,” the source said, looking increasingly desperate. “Which is hilarious when you stop and think about it. But then, when you look at how Johnson’s government behaves on the deals it agrees, there’s a kind of sense to it.”

ALL WORK AND NO PAY: One of the positives to emerge from the pandemic is the realisation that many jobs can be done perfectly well from home. After all, if you do a desk job then it doesn’t really matter where that desk is. 

Therefore, the advice from the top is that everyone should head back to the office. It’s as if mobile phones and the Internet never existed. 

This is par for the course. This is a government that insists that up is down, that white is black (unless it refers to the colour of your skin), and that unicorns gambol merrily in the sunlit uplands. 

The first among unequals, Boris Johnson, is vocal about getting out of bed at some godforsaken hour, in order to put on uncomfortable clothes, and waste an hour or more travelling to an unpleasant office in order to be seen working. This is strange, because Johnson has never really done this himself. 

Even stranger, this announcement comes at a time when any self respecting government minister is not at work. He or she should be sunning himself at the expense of a donor who expects a favour in return. 

Well, someone has to work while the bosses are on their jollies. Otherwise we might all start to enjoy ourselves. 

The Great British Public will feel inspired by this. They will rush straight back to the rush hour, on the word of a gilded chancer who wouldn’t know honest hard work if it slapped him round the face with an oven ready kipper. 

So it’s a massive cheer for being squeezed into overcrowded trains without any obligation to take covid precautions. That’s OK, because we Got Covid Done in the same way as we Got Brexit Done. Yes. 

It’s almost as if the government neither cares nor learns its lessons. 

DIGGING FOR BRITAIN : Mass panic is being reported up and down the length and breadth of Blighty today after loyal voters realised that the food supplies of their MPs maybe at risk.

Clearly many are not aware that the risk is not immediate as most MPs are currently enjoying their summer recess on the Continent. There is however a danger that the best of us will be caught up in the food supply crisis when they reluctantly trudge back home to face what they’ve inflicted on the rest of us.

Ever forward thinking Mr Johnson has met with his advisors and decided on a solution to calm the fraying nerves of the people.

“He’s having Priti Patel order the Police to seize local fruit and veg allotments,” a Home Office source told LCD Views. “Don’t tell anyone I told you though or I’ll be for it. If you’ve never seen Ms Patel in a rage in the office you’re fortunate.”

It’s believed the decision to seize locally grown produce will allow the owners of allotments to focus on what’s important.

“It’s about promoting community spirit,” the source continues. “It’s not going to be very good for public order if old Gary is sitting there on a mountain of marrows while his neighbour Beth is scouring the high road for a carrot. So if the general public are all in the same boat it will help everyone pull in the same direction.”

Ensuring that MPs are well fed through the crisis they’ve inflicted on the rest of us will do wonders for morale.

“It’ll really bring the public together. Seeing little tubby Francois still all tubby. Old Boris out running trying to shift the flab. Meanwhile you’re grubbing in the dirt of your peasants backyard hoping there’s a new potato somewhere? It’s a Very British Food Shortage. I expect the BBC will make a film about it.”

SPAFFER SPATCHCOCKED : The Tory Party is said to be in a restless mood at the moment as Mr Johnson continues his one man impersonation of a living, breathing disaster. The human zeppelin of governance is making a titanic success of both the pandemic and Brexit. Now that the Brexit con is complete, how long will they let old Bunter hang on?

The answer to that may lie in how long it takes the secret society which governs the party to choose the successor, before they make a public display of holding a contest. The kittens are being bagged for the altar as we speak. The dark hoods donned and the kleptocratic, internationalist clique which bankrolls the Tories asked to memorise the codewords and come along for the “day of deciding”.

“There’s a few names in the hat,” a 1922 Committee insider told LCD Views, as he drank a bubbling elixir to allow him to see into the Netherworld and better make his choice.

“There’s Satan. There’s Pestilence. There’s some grey skinned fellow without a nose who claims to come from somewhere called Zargon-2B0. Wherever that is. Apparently they have a booming tax haven industry, so he gets consideration. We’re moving into space don’t you know! Just as soon as we Get Brexit ReDone. By the time we’ve finished promising to act on Climate Change we’ll have to move into space! Ha! Did you know my grandfather was the first man to use sands from the Sahara to jam a camera lens? True story. What were we talking about again? The potion is kicking in. Who are you? Who am I? Who really is running the country? Are you all mad? Aren’t you paying attention to what we’re doing to you? Why the hell do you let us keep being the government? Pass the salt please, I’ve got some wounds to rub.”

While the 1922 Committee is clearly stark raving mad, we do have a short list of the possible successors.

There’s Rishi Sunak. A bookies favourite, but so mired in the mistakes that worsened the pandemic any rival should be able to take him out, no matter how professionally he styles his hair.

There’s Liz Truss. Darling of the party, but a cheese block, so let’s just move on.

There’s Dominic Raab. Intensely dense, he’s in with a shot. And he’s got some distance between himself and the pandemic.

There’s Michael Gove. But having left his wife seems like a sign he’s already bowed out.

There’s Sajid Javid, he wants to kill them all and let God sort them out. He’s a high profile useful idiot. He’ll be left out too.

The list goes on. But whoever is chosen it’ll still be Rupert Murdoch.

E PLURIBUS UNUM: Under new English Purity regulations, any person in the UK able to speak a foreign language will be deported. Exceptions to this linguistic cul-de-sac include Latin speakers. 

“Are langwidge is dyin’,” announced Priti Patel as the policy was unveiled. “Anyone talkin’ forrin will be assumed to be a traitor to Ingerland, and I will be deportin’ them. I will be takin’ decisive action, and I have already appointed Lord Digby Jones to police people droppin’ the “G” off of the endin’ of words.”

Why the exception for Latin? 

“Latin, or ‘Lating‘ once Digby gets to work, is an enthrallin’ tong,” snapped Patel. “It’s wot da kidz is lernin’ in da hood, or Eton as you elitists probably call it. It’s been ingrained in the langwidge for, like, years bro, innit, and we isn’t called da Conservative Party for nuffin’!” 

Schadenfreude aside, what do the Great British People think? LCD Views visited the brand-new internment camp for people who don’t speak like Jacob Rees-Mogg. 

“It’s cowing ridiculous!” said Perry Barr from Birmingham. “I’m in here because I said ‘Bostin’ to a policeman!” 

Barr revealed that the camp was full of Scots, Welsh, Scousers and Geordies, the Welsh and Gaelic speakers in solitary confinement. 

“We ‘ave to tike elocution lessons, roight,” said Barr. “To mike us tork proper posh. If you won’t say ‘parse the grarse’ they put you on the next floight to Ascension Oisland.” 

The camp manager, Job Sworth, had a different slant on things.

“If one is in England, one must speak the Queen’s English,” he declared in impeccable Received Pronunciation. “Use of anything else, except Latin of course, is evidence of intellectual elitist EU-loving treachery.” Bostin is not an English word. Would Jacob Rees-Mogg say Bostin? No. Would the Queen say Bostin? No. Precisely the point. This anti-democratic use of non-English words and phrases must be stamped out or we will all end up speaking German!” 

Wunderbar.