DINING AND DYING : The UK’s ramped up, off grid, glamping Prime Minister is to make a major speech this week laying out the unforced errors he’s planning for the months to Christmas.
Clearly with the economy impersonating the Titanic, the novel virus mutating in state schools because no one in power could give a shit, and Shapps attempting to turn the country’s motorways into a Mad Max appreciation society, via HGV interpretative dance, the public need reassurance. That’s where the PM stumbles in. Late. After focus groups suggest he’s tanking.
With his hair cut and his fists clenched Mr Johnson will reveal his detailed planning.
“We will continue to mismanage the pandemic as we have done from the start,” he will say, “to offer the certainty of the continuity of malpractice the public have come to trust as their reality. If you are able to afford a mansion, chauffeur driven cars and helicopter transport you will be as safe as an MP. Well, discounting the days we put on our show in Parliament.”
So far, so good.
“Those of you who have heard rumours of an October half term firebreak can be reassured that if you’ve booked a holiday destination that aligns with a senior cabinet minister, or Tory donor, you will not be inconvenienced. The rest of you? Sacrifices have to be made for the common good. Just not by myself or my cabal.”
The decision to continue to manage the country to allow Tory MPs to maintain lifestyles that most closely resemble their pre-pandemic plans will ground the country in a tranquil assurance.
“It will be like living at the steps of Mount Vesuvius,” the PM will add. “Remember, it’s a lovely day tomorrow, all you have to do is hold your breath.”