Category: Governing the people

Tony Blair stands more chance of being re-elected PM than Theresa May – according to the newly released results of a Maori poll.

The results released Sunday by the New Zealand based polling firm, show a staggering 52% of voters prefer former PM Tony Blair, against only 48% for current PM Theresa May.

However a Downing Street spokesman dismissed the poll results as a “freak result due to voters having been presented with a false choice between only two options” and to “deliberate lies promoting the Blair camp spread through social media.” as well as, “Clearly there was some form of illegal foreign intervention which should be the subject of criminal investigation, and anyway it’s only a poll so the results are non binding.”

However radical groups supporting wannabe conservative leader Jacob Rees Mogg, the self syled “Mogglodytes”, and the more extreme “Mogglamic Jihad”, hailed the result as a clear indication of the contempt in which Mrs Theresa May is held among Tory voters.

“However much we dislike Blair, he did actually invade Iraq, lied about why he did it, and still got re-elected,” explained a spokesman, adjusting his monacle.

“May couldn’t even manage to lie to her own cabinet without half if them walking out,” he said pointing out she last week wussed out of lying to parliament in a vote on her Brexit deal.

“And she’s already wimped out of leading the party into the next election, if she tried invading her own bathriom she’d likely lose the soap,” he sneered.”

Fantastic and reassuring news for the people of the United Kingdom today that they are going to have to dig up their grandparents after all and demand to know where they buried the family Blitz spirit, with the announcement that the Government is to test readiness for managed no deal Brexit with a ‘managed no Christmas’.

“Chris Grayling has been put in charge of the test fire,” a spokesman for whoever is prime minister told LCD Views, “so we’ll definitely need Blitz spirit to survive Christmas. A good warm up to the successful managed crash out and burn No Deal Brexit, so asset strippers and vulture capitalists can buy your house cheap to rent back to you, about the time when you’re explaining to your children that one of them will have to start hunting their own food.”

But how will Mr Grayling, famous for so many headline hogging infrastructure projects, manage a project as big as Christmas?

“It’s a managed no Christmas. That’s important.”

What’s the difference?

“Well, clearly there will be nothing to manage if there is no Christmas, except misery, disappointment, crushed expectations and serious family tension.”

Oh, we get it. Perfect warm up for a managed no deal.

“Yes, Chris Grayling will manage to fit the managing of no Christmas into his daily schedule, as he has plenty of spare time because he doesn’t manage anything already, really.”

So just an ordinary day in the office for the Secretary of State?

“He’s a what?”

A Secretary of State.

“Jesus wept. I knew the UK was mismanaged, but I didn’t think it was that bad. I thought he was a junior minister. It never occurred to me that he had been given so much responsibility. I wouldn’t even bother buying a tree this year, if I were you.”

We asked a representative of Labour what they thought about the government’s test run for next year and they replied,

“We will still have Christmas, so long as we have a magic grandpa and we all believe.”

LCD Views can report on a tsunami of relief sweeping away concerns across the country today that the UK is the focus of some sort of international, kleptomaniac, far right, fascist coup after the revelation that the current UK parliament is actually just a Russian man in a parliament suit.

“He wears the House of Commons really well,” our College Green fixture, Mr Lawn, reports, “The upper house is just a hat that doesn’t fit, but the lower house, wow, apparently he’s even gone so far as to wear red, white and blue budgie smugglers under the tweed trousers.”

The decision to go with tweed for the entire suit was apparently a controversial one, after all, why not navy blue? But in the end the designers of the suit in the Kremlin, with their partners in the USA and Britain, decided it would be better to blend in with the hoi polloi.

“Calling him Boris has raised a few eyebrows though,” Mr Lawn says, “it’s almost as if the nickname is a homage to someone currently pretending to be an MP. But as you can see by how long the trick has played out, however much time and money they’ve invested to bring it about has so far been worth their while.”

But the knowledge that what seems to generally be amazeballsingly idiotic, callous and just plain stupid behaviour from the 650 MPs currently serving is actually a pre-planned piece of performance art, has soothed nerves.

“There were apparently some concerns that the trick would be exposed soon after it’s launch on the 8th June 2017, but it seems the UK MSM is just not up to the job of wondering why a robot needs to go for a dump so frequently, over everything that made the UK worthwhile.”

Plans to call the performance off are in the pipeline.

“The Russian designers of the act are a little concerned that they’re being outshone by an actual, homemade British robot also seen frequently in Westminster, but as that is programmed to only complete simple tasks such as voicing ‘Brexit means Brexit’ repeatedly, and needs to be constantly turned off and on again or it blue screens, they reckon they’ll keep the gig going for a while yet. At least until the entirety of the UK either crashes or somebody presses the esc key.”

A nanny employed privately by an ideologically hard pressed family has spoken exclusively to LCD Views this morning about how furious she is with the small boy in her charge over his persistent bed wetting.

”I don’t know what set him off this time,” she told us, “he’s been dry as a bone for the last few weeks. Up too late of course. Talking about how he’ll outlaw abortion and put the women back in their place once he’s king of the world, and other progressive ideas, like zero taxation for the rich.”

It sounds like he has a vivid imagination.

”An over active one I’d say. I’m fed up with it all. I keep having to trudge back up the fourteen staircases in my employer’s modest property to tell him to put the walkie talkie away, stop talking to the naughty boys from bad families over it, turn your light out and GO TO SLEEP!”

But no sooner have you returned to the scullery than you hear him at it again?

”Yes. He doesn’t know I have a walkie talkie tuned to the frequency he and Irritable Duncan, and some rather dim and wayward girls, use to plot their ridiculous schemes to overthrow the governess of the publicly subsidised crèche they all go to, when they can be bothered.”

Do you think the bed wetting is related to some personal disappointment? One he can’t process?

”What? Like realising it’s going to take until after Brexit to privatise the food bank industry?”

Something like that. Or perhaps having received a proper spanking from some other boys?

”Oh, perhaps. But it’s got to stop. Jacob is forty nine for crying out loud! He should know better by now! I fear all he’ll ever amount to is a disaster capitalist masquerading as a permanent backbencher, setting off daft schemes due to an inherent and unjustified sense of entitlement! Still, if little Donald Trump was able to use the money his father earned to buy himself high office, maybe one day, Little Jacob will too.”

I wouldn’t count on it.

“Equality is our watchword,” Mr Shamble Shambling-Along, Tory MP for Codswallop on Shambles, told our Democratic Shambles correspondent today, “well, equality within a class, you know, the right sort,

“Especially equality amongst our relatives and friends who own or manage hedge funds with a focus on profiteering off exchange rate fluctuations and the purposeful devaluation of assets and currencies via careful implementation of policy, with the intention of buying state built and financed assets when they’re cheap, then receiving state support to profit off them while running a service that would make a four sided wheel seem a vast improvement.

“We can’t have one second cousin making oodles of money on the back of calculated calamity from the executive, and an old school chum not. That’s not equality. In order to do this sometimes you have to burn the poor. But that keeps you warm inside, so that’s alright. This is just strong and stable governance. The kind the people voted for. The people. The lovely little lambs.”

The considered explanation for the driving agenda of a government that on the surface appears pathetic and regressive will be welcomed by many, who thought it was all out of control and not on purpose. Don’t worry your little heads.

“Don’t be foolish.,” Mr Shamble Shambling-Along reiterated, “you can’t at ministerial level watch the food bank sector boom year after year and not feel a warm glow in your cockles,

“Just think of the number of zero hours contracts that makes feasible? The reduction in rights and wages. The siphoning off of extra cash you didn’t have to actively earn to a complicated web of offshore accounts. It’s a very deliberate policy,

“It’s the fault of the poor for not having a different accident of birth. Not that your place on the ladder has anything to do with the circumstances of your birth, as a general principle. No, I worked hard to get where I am today. I had to phone my father for help several times in my twenties. It was really rather taxing at times. Especially when I had a hangover and he was in the middle of shooting something.”

So stop worrying about the state of the country and remember, all governments are equal, but some are less equal than others.

Now, here, have a zero hours contract and help us massage the employment statistics. That’s the spirit. All together now for the final push. Off you go.

The United (using the term with increasing looseness each day) Kingdom  was feeling a wave of complete relief this afternoon after it was announced current PM TM will get to be PM for another day.

”She’s facing a really hostile environment,” May loyalist Jeremy Corbyn said, “you’ve got to feel for her. If she can’t get Brexit to happen while PM what will my Lexit look like? But of course, I’m more concerned about her state of mind. I can’t inagine the pressure she’s under. Well, if you have seen any of my professionally produced social media output over the last few days about how great a Brexit deal I could get Brussels to agree to, well, you’d agree I can’t inagine period. And full stop. Period. I certainly couldn’t imagine trying to actually topple the government unless events make it unstoppable. But things would have to get really bad first. Not like now with Brexit! Yippee!”

The statement of support from a cross party colleague also determined to see Brexit delivered, was a welcome relief for a PM who has looked like she is only clinging to power for a very long time.

”The people of England, and those other places, it is a great relief to me personally to know that I can go to bed tonight still clinging onto the keys to 10 Downing Street,” Ms May is expected to broadcast, via the Conservative Party official PR outlet later (that’s the BBC), “ever since Jacob pointed out to me I could deport millions of non-white, and funny speaking white people, if I only believed in Brexit, I’ve been solely obsessed with my own perception of my political self interest. And so should you be. It’s all about me.”

The statement is expected to make it easier for the people of a now global laughing stock of a country. As their jobs and influence and civil cohesion are flushed away daily, they’ll know Theresa May is PM for another day. And that’s all that matters really, isn’t it?

In a shock move Monday, UK Prime minister Theresa May announced that she was postponing herself until further notice due to rumours of her increasing unpopularity.

A spokesman for 10 Downing Street confirmed that Mrs May had taken the shock decision following consultations with her cabinet, none of whom actually agreed to speak with her.

“It was a very tough decision to make, but the Prime Minister feels that by putting herself on ice and buggering off somewhere less wintery for Xmas will help cool thing s down allowing her to phase herself back in to a warmer reception over the coming months,” he said, denying that by postponing herself Mrs May was in any way disrespecting parliament or the democratic process.

“They’ve disrespected her by not backing her brilliant Brexit plan, more like,” he sneered.

The official declined to confirm whether the prime ministerial postponement might last past March 29th when, on current standing, the UK is due to crash out of the European Union without a trade agreement.

“Let’s just say that if it did a lot of people from both sides of the Brexit debate will be wishing they’d given a warmer response to her Brexit deal, oh yes indeed,” he sniggered, fingering his newly acquired Irish passport.

A local man best known for championing outlawing curtains for the working poor, and the unemployed, so upright members of the community can see how long they’re sleeping in, has expressed a new concern today.

”All these fountains of free food that are springing up everywhere are only going to make the poor classes even more work shy,” Iain Duncan Smith told LCD Views, while removing a bag of pasta from a charitable food bin,

“see this packet of pasta here? A layabout can last a week on that, if they manage to steal some water to cook it in. Having said that, that’s probably even too much extortion from a moral incurable. They’ll most likely just eat it raw before shoplifting some high strength cider. Anything to avoid going to work that type. And that’s just the children, heaven knows what the parents must be like?”

But what does the Tory MP intend to do with the pasta, now he’s secured it?

”Why burn it of course. Hopefully on College Green, if the BBC have left any space after the construction of their tower blocks to ensure no one actually accidentally sees an anti-Brexit protestor during a live interview with a useful idiot for Brexit.”

Surely burning food that could feed a hungry family isn’t a way to win support for his policies?

”I didn’t rise to the elite levels of the chumocracy by being stupid,” IDS said, unconvincingly, “I did it by phoning up the right people and mentioning my relatives.”

That doesn’t qualify you as an expert on the poor.

”Of course it does,” he retorted, “I look down them constantly. I know what they’re up to, pretending you can’t feed a family on universal credit. Just trying to game the system. Now hand me that packet of matches and let’s teach them a lesson in compassionate conservatism they won’t forget,

”Make sure you take a picture while we’re at it, so people know we’re paying attention to the problems, like food poverty in the sixth richest economy in the world, that we had absolutely nothing to do in causing. Getting rid of free food will make it easier for poor people to tighten their belts too. It’s a total win.”

Former UKIP leader and seven times unelected parliamentary candidate Nigel Farage has announced that he is leaving the UK.

Speaking to reporters outside the Dover entrance to the channel Tunnel, suitcase in hand, Farage explained that he had become increasingly uncomfortable with the continuing rise of the far right and the increasing intolerance of anyone of differing ethnicity or religious beliefs.

“As someone with a rather obviously French surname, a first name derived from the Latin word for black and a recently issued burgundy German passport, I just don’t feel safe in this country any more,” explained a tearful Farage.

“If only we could identify why this has happened and do something about it, ” he wailed, complaining tearfully that instead of dealing with this rising tide of hatred all the career politicians care about is how to get re-elected without being outed as a hypocrites over their flip-flopping support for Brexit.

Farage confirmed that his departure from British shores would see him give up his radio show on LBC as well as his full time seat on the BBC’s Question Time and that he planed to start a new life in Slovenia, where his good friend President Trump had arranged an introduction to a close relative of the first lady Melanoma.

“If Slovenia’s good enough for Trump, it’s good enough for me,” mused Farage, whose German wife recently divorced him after he threatened to have her deported for leaving her towel in the bathroom before him.

Picking up his suitcase Farage bid a tearful farewell to the assembled press throng and glugging a final gulp of nut brown English ale,  strode manfully towards the tunnel entrance.

Pausing for a final wave he noticed a pair of dark skinned illegal immigrants emerging into the cold light of the English dawn.

“Good luck to mates, you’ll bloody well need it”, he wept, hugging both to his chest before disappearing into the darkness.

 

Prime Minister Theresa May has announced today she is to call a snap general election in order to increase, once again, her commons majority.

“Once the people of the United Kingdom overwhelm me with the level of support they have for my Brexit deal, which I assume to be very strong, because I’m locked in a sensory deprivation chamber, I will be able to force it through and force down whatever else I decide to into the guts of the country.”

As part of the campaign to prove how popular she still is, the prime minister will be conducting her travelling election campaign solely in the country’s grave yards. This will have the added benefit of not bringing her face to face with anyone living and risk catching their germs.

But what catchphrase will she parade under this time?

“I am gong to promise strong and stable government, again. Not because I’m a blinkered, empathy and intuit free wasteland, but because people need to know they risk chaos under a hung parliament where minor parties form a coalition government with an agreement to revoke Article 50 and begin counting the cost of years of hard right sociopathy.”

But that’s not all.

”I will say further, as I tell you today, the people of the United Kingdom have a choice of continuing a funny kind of strong and stable government under me, or chaos under Ed Milliband.”

Asked to comment on the shock announcement a spokesman for Labour’s front bench said the following,

”Jeremy is going to promise a jobs first Brexit. There’s no chance we’ll get the swing vote needed for a majority. So she may as well try her hand. Who knows, she may end up with a slim majority if we stick with Lexit.”

So that’s nice then.