Category: Governing the people

“Equality is our watchword,” Mr Shamble Shambling-Along, Tory MP for Codswallop on Shambles, told our Democratic Shambles correspondent today, “well, equality within a class, you know, the right sort,

“Especially equality amongst our relatives and friends who own or manage hedge funds with a focus on profiteering off exchange rate fluctuations and the purposeful devaluation of assets and currencies via careful implementation of policy, with the intention of buying state built and financed assets when they’re cheap, then receiving state support to profit off them while running a service that would make a four sided wheel seem a vast improvement.

“We can’t have one second cousin making oodles of money on the back of calculated calamity from the executive, and an old school chum not. That’s not equality. In order to do this sometimes you have to burn the poor. But that keeps you warm inside, so that’s alright. This is just strong and stable governance. The kind the people voted for. The people. The lovely little lambs.”

The considered explanation for the driving agenda of a government that on the surface appears pathetic and regressive will be welcomed by many, who thought it was all out of control and not on purpose. Don’t worry your little heads.

“Don’t be foolish.,” Mr Shamble Shambling-Along reiterated, “you can’t at ministerial level watch the food bank sector boom year after year and not feel a warm glow in your cockles,

“Just think of the number of zero hours contracts that makes feasible? The reduction in rights and wages. The siphoning off of extra cash you didn’t have to actively earn to a complicated web of offshore accounts. It’s a very deliberate policy,

“It’s the fault of the poor for not having a different accident of birth. Not that your place on the ladder has anything to do with the circumstances of your birth, as a general principle. No, I worked hard to get where I am today. I had to phone my father for help several times in my twenties. It was really rather taxing at times. Especially when I had a hangover and he was in the middle of shooting something.”

So stop worrying about the state of the country and remember, all governments are equal, but some are less equal than others.

Now, here, have a zero hours contract and help us massage the employment statistics. That’s the spirit. All together now for the final push. Off you go.

The United (using the term with increasing looseness each day) Kingdom  was feeling a wave of complete relief this afternoon after it was announced current PM TM will get to be PM for another day.

”She’s facing a really hostile environment,” May loyalist Jeremy Corbyn said, “you’ve got to feel for her. If she can’t get Brexit to happen while PM what will my Lexit look like? But of course, I’m more concerned about her state of mind. I can’t inagine the pressure she’s under. Well, if you have seen any of my professionally produced social media output over the last few days about how great a Brexit deal I could get Brussels to agree to, well, you’d agree I can’t inagine period. And full stop. Period. I certainly couldn’t imagine trying to actually topple the government unless events make it unstoppable. But things would have to get really bad first. Not like now with Brexit! Yippee!”

The statement of support from a cross party colleague also determined to see Brexit delivered, was a welcome relief for a PM who has looked like she is only clinging to power for a very long time.

”The people of England, and those other places, it is a great relief to me personally to know that I can go to bed tonight still clinging onto the keys to 10 Downing Street,” Ms May is expected to broadcast, via the Conservative Party official PR outlet later (that’s the BBC), “ever since Jacob pointed out to me I could deport millions of non-white, and funny speaking white people, if I only believed in Brexit, I’ve been solely obsessed with my own perception of my political self interest. And so should you be. It’s all about me.”

The statement is expected to make it easier for the people of a now global laughing stock of a country. As their jobs and influence and civil cohesion are flushed away daily, they’ll know Theresa May is PM for another day. And that’s all that matters really, isn’t it?

In a shock move Monday, UK Prime minister Theresa May announced that she was postponing herself until further notice due to rumours of her increasing unpopularity.

A spokesman for 10 Downing Street confirmed that Mrs May had taken the shock decision following consultations with her cabinet, none of whom actually agreed to speak with her.

“It was a very tough decision to make, but the Prime Minister feels that by putting herself on ice and buggering off somewhere less wintery for Xmas will help cool thing s down allowing her to phase herself back in to a warmer reception over the coming months,” he said, denying that by postponing herself Mrs May was in any way disrespecting parliament or the democratic process.

“They’ve disrespected her by not backing her brilliant Brexit plan, more like,” he sneered.

The official declined to confirm whether the prime ministerial postponement might last past March 29th when, on current standing, the UK is due to crash out of the European Union without a trade agreement.

“Let’s just say that if it did a lot of people from both sides of the Brexit debate will be wishing they’d given a warmer response to her Brexit deal, oh yes indeed,” he sniggered, fingering his newly acquired Irish passport.

A local man best known for championing outlawing curtains for the working poor, and the unemployed, so upright members of the community can see how long they’re sleeping in, has expressed a new concern today.

”All these fountains of free food that are springing up everywhere are only going to make the poor classes even more work shy,” Iain Duncan Smith told LCD Views, while removing a bag of pasta from a charitable food bin,

“see this packet of pasta here? A layabout can last a week on that, if they manage to steal some water to cook it in. Having said that, that’s probably even too much extortion from a moral incurable. They’ll most likely just eat it raw before shoplifting some high strength cider. Anything to avoid going to work that type. And that’s just the children, heaven knows what the parents must be like?”

But what does the Tory MP intend to do with the pasta, now he’s secured it?

”Why burn it of course. Hopefully on College Green, if the BBC have left any space after the construction of their tower blocks to ensure no one actually accidentally sees an anti-Brexit protestor during a live interview with a useful idiot for Brexit.”

Surely burning food that could feed a hungry family isn’t a way to win support for his policies?

”I didn’t rise to the elite levels of the chumocracy by being stupid,” IDS said, unconvincingly, “I did it by phoning up the right people and mentioning my relatives.”

That doesn’t qualify you as an expert on the poor.

”Of course it does,” he retorted, “I look down them constantly. I know what they’re up to, pretending you can’t feed a family on universal credit. Just trying to game the system. Now hand me that packet of matches and let’s teach them a lesson in compassionate conservatism they won’t forget,

”Make sure you take a picture while we’re at it, so people know we’re paying attention to the problems, like food poverty in the sixth richest economy in the world, that we had absolutely nothing to do in causing. Getting rid of free food will make it easier for poor people to tighten their belts too. It’s a total win.”

Former UKIP leader and seven times unelected parliamentary candidate Nigel Farage has announced that he is leaving the UK.

Speaking to reporters outside the Dover entrance to the channel Tunnel, suitcase in hand, Farage explained that he had become increasingly uncomfortable with the continuing rise of the far right and the increasing intolerance of anyone of differing ethnicity or religious beliefs.

“As someone with a rather obviously French surname, a first name derived from the Latin word for black and a recently issued burgundy German passport, I just don’t feel safe in this country any more,” explained a tearful Farage.

“If only we could identify why this has happened and do something about it, ” he wailed, complaining tearfully that instead of dealing with this rising tide of hatred all the career politicians care about is how to get re-elected without being outed as a hypocrites over their flip-flopping support for Brexit.

Farage confirmed that his departure from British shores would see him give up his radio show on LBC as well as his full time seat on the BBC’s Question Time and that he planed to start a new life in Slovenia, where his good friend President Trump had arranged an introduction to a close relative of the first lady Melanoma.

“If Slovenia’s good enough for Trump, it’s good enough for me,” mused Farage, whose German wife recently divorced him after he threatened to have her deported for leaving her towel in the bathroom before him.

Picking up his suitcase Farage bid a tearful farewell to the assembled press throng and glugging a final gulp of nut brown English ale,  strode manfully towards the tunnel entrance.

Pausing for a final wave he noticed a pair of dark skinned illegal immigrants emerging into the cold light of the English dawn.

“Good luck to mates, you’ll bloody well need it”, he wept, hugging both to his chest before disappearing into the darkness.

 

Prime Minister Theresa May has announced today she is to call a snap general election in order to increase, once again, her commons majority.

“Once the people of the United Kingdom overwhelm me with the level of support they have for my Brexit deal, which I assume to be very strong, because I’m locked in a sensory deprivation chamber, I will be able to force it through and force down whatever else I decide to into the guts of the country.”

As part of the campaign to prove how popular she still is, the prime minister will be conducting her travelling election campaign solely in the country’s grave yards. This will have the added benefit of not bringing her face to face with anyone living and risk catching their germs.

But what catchphrase will she parade under this time?

“I am gong to promise strong and stable government, again. Not because I’m a blinkered, empathy and intuit free wasteland, but because people need to know they risk chaos under a hung parliament where minor parties form a coalition government with an agreement to revoke Article 50 and begin counting the cost of years of hard right sociopathy.”

But that’s not all.

”I will say further, as I tell you today, the people of the United Kingdom have a choice of continuing a funny kind of strong and stable government under me, or chaos under Ed Milliband.”

Asked to comment on the shock announcement a spokesman for Labour’s front bench said the following,

”Jeremy is going to promise a jobs first Brexit. There’s no chance we’ll get the swing vote needed for a majority. So she may as well try her hand. Who knows, she may end up with a slim majority if we stick with Lexit.”

So that’s nice then.

The use of common sense is officially permitted now, thanks to an EU ruling last night by a top law officer.

In one of those statements that shouldn’t be necessary yet somehow always is, top court advisor Paya Tenschen addressed the assembled media:

“It has been officially confirmed tonight that any country is permitted to use common sense when making crucial decisions. It does not constitute cheating or fraud of any kind, and is perfectly acceptable.”

The argument of whether common sense could be used in political decision-making has been going on for many years, but especially since 2016., with many politicians, notably Michael Gove, arguing passionately against it.
Indeed most tory politicians have been put off its use by the presence of the word ‘common’ in the description.

The name is actually a misnomer as it has been proven that few people in reality possess it, and many lexicographers have argued that it should be renamed. The only trouble is, the alternatives have their own problems.

The suggestion of Privileged Sense has been vetoed strongly despite being championed by politicians like Jacob Rees-Mogg.

The name Minority Sense has been discarded because of potential issues with the far-right’s racist attitudes, as personified by the likes of Tommy Robinson.

The idea of calling it Miracle Sense has been abandoned due to potential religious connotations.

The option of renaming it Uncommon Sense is still on the table but could still lead to slips of the tongue.

Whatever its name will be, the fate of common sense is looking brighter all the time. Its future is bright, but definitely not orange.

The Metropolitan Police have announced plans to combat manpower reductions by deploying a new force of “Holographic Police”.

Speaking to reporters via Skype Metropolitan Police commissioner Cressida Dick explained that given the rapidly increasing rates of online crime it is only right that the Police should be allowed to “fight fire with fire”.

“Given that the government has lost touch with reality, and slashed our funding there is virtually nothing we can do about rising crime rates, so we felt it was only right that we start deploying “virtual” police officers,” she said pointing out that the great advantage with holograms is that they can be kitted out with the most terrifying of hardware without the fear of them actually killing or maiming anyone.

“So machine guns, gas grenades, anti tank weapons…but no more messy, wrongful killing trials or costly compensation payments – peachy,” she smiled.

Commenting on the radical move Home Secretary Sajid Javid confirmed that the government plans to begin rolling out the new virtual police force across the whole country just as soon as the funds are available.

“Obviously London and the home counties come first, because no one north of Watford is expected to vote Tory after the post Brexit economic collapse,” he explained.

“But we will be supplying provincial forces with slide projectors and some very realistic cardboard cut outs, to tide them over until new funding is available” he said explaining that a new round of unfulfilable spending promises painted on the sides of buses is expected any day now.

Your wise and wonderful government has hit on the perfect wheeze to solve the problem of the Irish Border.

”We’re going to deny there even is a Northern Ireland, Republic of Ireland or even The Irish Sea,” Theresa Villiers, former Secretary of State for Northern Ireland told LCD Views, “this also removes a job title from my CV that frankly I’ve been baffled by since it appeared there.”

The decision to deny the existence of Northern Ireland not only puts to rest the border problem, it alleviates the need to scramble about inventing unlikely technological solutions to a problem created solely by the government.

”It’ll get Arlene Foster off Theresa May’s case too,” Mrs Villiers added, “now Ms May can get on just taking her orders from Rupert Murdoch, just like old times.”

But what about the people who say ignoring the existence of massive problems created intentionally by government policy won’t actually solve them?

”It certainly solves them for us!” The forever Secretary of State for Somewhere that doesn’t exist snapped back.

Presumably you could apply the same solution to other non-problems, like homelessness, in work poverty, climate change, underfunding of schools leading to increased taxation by way of schools having to levy fees directly onto hard pressed parents.

”All sorted,” Mrs Villiers clicked her fingers, “just like that. Most problems are really only problems if you think about them.”

And you don’t do that?

”No one in government does. It’s better that way for everyone. But before we go I have to correct you on one point.”

Which is?

”The people created the problems, not the government. They elected us in the first place.”

Downing Street has used the occasion of its Saint Andrew’s Day message to Scotland to advise Scotland to lie back and think of mighty mother England during the forthcoming Brexit.

”The people of our province of Hibernia,” Ms May began her address, straight to camera, “your upstart minister Nicola is making a poor job of preparing you for what is coming out of England. Like with good Caledonians across the Irish Sea, you’re about to get screwed by England once more.”

Ms May paused for one of her bloodless attempts at smiling like a human, before continuing,

”The best advice is to lie back, enjoy yourself, and think of England while England does what England has done to you for a millennia.”

Ms May then went on to list other regions she intended to screw heartily.

”I advise the good British of Gilbraltar to also lie back and think of England. Excepting of course those of you who have fallen from the true path and have a Spanish parent or grandparent. You must prepare to be deported once we have finished breaking down that monkey infested rock you call home, in order to construct a proper wall no Manuel, Pedro or Maria can get over. We are taking back control of as much of the Iberian peninsula as Boris Johnson believes feasible. Michael Howard has been made Field Marshall. Prepare yourself to do what patriots do.”

She then addressed herself to The Falklands, well, it was presumed to be, but as the address was preceded by an earlier review of what is left of the navy after eight years of Tory defence cuts, she mostly just laughed. Before adding,

”I am sure the ghost of Maggie will watch over you.”

Asked to respond to the message, a spokesman for Labour said they felt,

”the inclusion of so much not to do with the Caledonians was insulting. And with a Labour re-negotiated Brexit Scotland would only be on the receiving end of “a” shafting from Westminster.”

Which we can all agree is better, can’t we.