“Equality is our watchword,” Mr Shamble Shambling-Along, Tory MP for Codswallop on Shambles, told our Democratic Shambles correspondent today, “well, equality within a class, you know, the right sort,
“Especially equality amongst our relatives and friends who own or manage hedge funds with a focus on profiteering off exchange rate fluctuations and the purposeful devaluation of assets and currencies via careful implementation of policy, with the intention of buying state built and financed assets when they’re cheap, then receiving state support to profit off them while running a service that would make a four sided wheel seem a vast improvement.
“We can’t have one second cousin making oodles of money on the back of calculated calamity from the executive, and an old school chum not. That’s not equality. In order to do this sometimes you have to burn the poor. But that keeps you warm inside, so that’s alright. This is just strong and stable governance. The kind the people voted for. The people. The lovely little lambs.”
The considered explanation for the driving agenda of a government that on the surface appears pathetic and regressive will be welcomed by many, who thought it was all out of control and not on purpose. Don’t worry your little heads.
“Don’t be foolish.,” Mr Shamble Shambling-Along reiterated, “you can’t at ministerial level watch the food bank sector boom year after year and not feel a warm glow in your cockles,
“Just think of the number of zero hours contracts that makes feasible? The reduction in rights and wages. The siphoning off of extra cash you didn’t have to actively earn to a complicated web of offshore accounts. It’s a very deliberate policy,
“It’s the fault of the poor for not having a different accident of birth. Not that your place on the ladder has anything to do with the circumstances of your birth, as a general principle. No, I worked hard to get where I am today. I had to phone my father for help several times in my twenties. It was really rather taxing at times. Especially when I had a hangover and he was in the middle of shooting something.”
So stop worrying about the state of the country and remember, all governments are equal, but some are less equal than others.
Now, here, have a zero hours contract and help us massage the employment statistics. That’s the spirit. All together now for the final push. Off you go.