Category: Governing the people

Downing Street has gotten into the Christmas spirit today by getting ahead of the pack regarding post Christmas dieting plans.

“We know everyone is going to gorge themselves silly during the festive period,” Theresa May told the nation during a unique television speech, “from food bank users to tax haven lovers, all are going to eat to excess. We will look away while this happens, but we must ensure the people shed as many pounds as possible next year. This is why I have accepted Michael Gove’s catchy title for the U.K. 2019 Brexit menu planner, ‘We’re all going to diet!’”

While the contents of the message were not surprising, to anyone who’s been paying attention, the decision of Ms May to dress festively for it did raise an eyebrow or two.

”I never thought I’d see her so carefree as to wear an elf’s hat with matching snow chain necklace adorned with actual reindeer antlers,” keen May watcher and BBC journalist, Ms Tori Placeman, told us, “someone must have let her at the sherry before the broadcast. It’s a shrewd move and one that humanises a figure weirdly viewed as sociopathic and aloof at times.”

Other commentators noted the wet blood on the antlers suggested May had recently hunted the animal herself.

”Probably some initiation ceremony into a global society of tax dodging, feudalism fetishing kleptomaniacs using Brexit as the thin edge to break the EU wedge,” Labour Party spokesman, Mr Knot Atrot observed, “once we seize power through a popular uprising resulting from having placidly stood by and watched Brexit occur, knowing the harm it will cause, we will see the antlers tried in a people’s court for deviancy.”

Details of the actual ‘We’re all going to diet!’ menu are still scarce though, in spite of the rousing address by the nation’s mother.

”It’ll be a belt tightener,” Ms May did say though, “mostly because of all the calories unavailable to the U.K. once we purposefully smash our food supply chains. Merry Christmas.”

It seems you can’t move for remakes of classic sitcoms these days, and now it’s the turn of ‘Allo ‘Allo, set in Nazi-occupied France and centring around cafe owner Rene and his wife Edith as they found themselves unwittingly in the middle of plots by the SS, the Gestapo and the French Resistance.

The remake will star Jeremy Corbyn as Rene, who will reprise the character’s famous catchphrase “you stupid woman!” typically uttered by Rene to his wife as he contrives an unconvincing innocent explanation for why she has just caught him in the arms of his waitress Yvette.

Rene’s wife Edith will be played by Theresa May, while Arlene Foster has been cast as Edith’s invalid mother who is forever shouting at her from her attic bedroom.

Yvette, the waitress with whom Rene will cheat on his wife at every opportunity, will be played by Nicola Sturgeon, while Angela Merkel will be taking on the role of resistance leader Michelle with her catchphrase, “listen very carefully, I shall say this only once.”

The part of Officer Crabtree, the Englishman disguised as a French policeman whose attempts to speak the language are frequently unintelligible, as typified by his catchphrase “good moaning” will be played by Donald Trump.

Nigel Farage will play Colonel Von Strohm, the German officer in charge of the occupying army garrison, while the part of his boss General Von Klinkerhoffen has been given to Vladimir Putin.

Rounding off the ensemble cast will be Paul Golding as Herr Flick of the Gestapo, who is again having an affair with the colonel’s secretary Helga, played here by Jayda Fransen.

The new series will hit our screens on April 1st 2019.

The leader of Her Majesty’s Loyal Supportive Opposition, Jeremy Corbyn, has finally called for a parliamentary vote. The motion is an unusual one. It calls for “a” managed no confidence in the Prime Minister.

Corbyn himself explained his reasons for his actions. “I felt this twinge in my back,” he said. “At first I thought it was my conscience, so I ignored it as usual. Turns out it was my vestigial spine giving me gyp again, so I’m off to the doctor in the morning for more pills.”

So, what’s this all about? The terminology is nebulous even by today’s low standards.

Momentum staffer Tori Plant was on hand to demystify the situation. “Jeremy has thought this through quite carefully,” claims Plant. “This sort of motion has to be brought forward very carefully, you might even say ‘managed’. It can take months to get it right! Unusual circumstances call for unusual measures, so the bog-standard no confidence vote is no use. What we are using is so new that nobody, not even Jeremy, knows what it is. All we know, is that it is a no confidence vote of some description, and it is sure to be extremely effective in showing just how mildly annoyed Jeremy really is.”

Corbyn himself was pleased with the reaction to his symbolic gesture. “If successful, it will rank alongside my greatest achievements,” he boasted. “It will come vie for top spot with being voted Bearded Trot of the Year in 1983-7, and my aubergine that won second prize at the Islington Allotment Holders’ Fayre in 2017.”

If unsuccessful, Corbyn has vowed to bring “a” managed no confidence vote in the government itself. “This all takes time,” he remarked snoozily, as all around him parliamentarians yelled abuse at each other. “I should have something half-decent drafted before the summer recess. Now excuse me, I’m having “a” managed forty winks here!”

The brickbats pelted in from all sides, but Corbyn simply smiled and started to snore.

“People of Britannia, and her subject provinces,” Prime Minister Theresa May will address the people of the United Kingdom, and her subject provinces, today, “in times of great self imposed risk we must unify as one people, set aside our political divisions, as the leader of the opposition has with myself over Brexit, and come together to face the common foe. The people.”

In her script she pauses dramatically at this point to use her weird, slightly wobbly eyeball power stare. Let it linger. Hold it. Hold it. Then…

”The U.K. has left me no choice but to place the U.K. on a war footing.”

Another dramatic pause.

“Long have a strived to continue the long peace with the United Kingdom, but along with its treacherous ally reality, it has driven us to a turning in the road where patience is no longer a road I can continue to spoon.”

At this point an underling will rush out with a piece of paper, kneel and hand it to May.

”I have no choice now but to solemnly declare war on the U.K. Our trident submarines are even now targeting their arsenal of nuclear missiles on London, on York, on Manchester, in Edinburgh and anywhere else in the rogue state that defies the will of the people.”

Make time for gasps. Time to settle the eruption of questions from the handpicked press attending the announcement.

”If we stand together as one we can defeat the United Kingdom. And the U.K. should be in no doubt at my readiness to use our arsenal of nuclear submarines against ourselves before the U.K. can use them against ourselves first.”

Let that sink in, and then,

”If my legacy is a giant sheet of glass adrift off the north west coast of Europe, with just one small office building left standing, and if that one small office building is the address for all the money laundering and tax evading on Earth, I will have been victorious and the will of the people fulfilled.”

Smile. Hold the cold smile. Now raise your arms in triumph.

”If you’re not willing to set fire to yourself, then allow me to do it completely unnecessarily just because I hate immigrants.”

Applaude. Mad applause. From a can if necessary.

”We’re going to dig for Britain and we’re not going to stop digging until the walls of the hole we’re digging collapse in on top of us.”

“Don’t worry! Don’t panic!” Matt Hardcock MP for Wood, and newly promoted to Health Secretary (after Jeremy Hunt decided he wanted to be closer to Theresa May’s back), told gathered reporters today, “palliative care costs are going to go right down in Brexit Britain.”

The encouraging announcement on a new policy of not treating anyone who God won’t save, to save costs, was welcome. More so due to the rolling out of progressive immigration policies designed to tell forriners to bog off.

”I know spending the entirety of 2019’s NHS budget on Smegs to prepare for a managed no deal has ruffled a few feathers in the general public,” Matt ‘living viagra’ Appendages paused to smile, “unless you’re an importer of high end, fashionable fridges!”

There’s always a winner.

“But to reassure further I want to announce today that I’ve ordered all NHS hospital trusts to retrain their new fridge mountains as nurses. This means if by some mad fluke of fate Brexit doesn’t happen, no one can say the government has been wasting money better spent on human resources.”

Brexit will cost whatever Brexit will cost.

”Although I would advise that people practise taking their own temperatures, if they intend on visiting a hospital,” Matt Fingerstiffy added, “as a fridge will probably do it and say you’re dead, given a fridge is cold when working.”

Responding to the latest preparations for Brexit and the mass purchase of fridges a spokesman for the Labour front bench said the following,

”This is just scandalous,” Mr Lenin Defeat-Strategy said, “Everyone knows that expecting sick people to take their own temperature will lead to errors. Under Lexit the fridges will be turned off and operating at room temperature, thus able to accurately take temperatures and freeing up actual nurses to attend to machinery accidents on the newly collectivised farms that will see the nation enjoying full employment.”

It’s not uncommon for many stars from days gone by to bring out new recordings of their old hits, many classic 70s acts have done it for one reason or another. Usually the purpose of these re-recordings is to do something a little different but still recognisable with familiar songs to make the listener think, “oh yes, I always thought it could work that way!” But Dolly Parton’s latest venture has a different agenda.

The country singer-songwriter, ironically best known for writing “I Will Always Love You”, which was covered by Whitney Houston in the 1990s, has new album of re-recorded hits features the same arrangements of the old songs, but updated lyrics to reflect modern times, and the album is spearheaded with “(Work ‘Til) Ninety-Five”, reflecting the ever-increasing retirement age.

“I know some people just think of me as a big busty blonde and that’s all right, because I am and I’ll admit it’s helped get me where I am today, but I’m not gettin’ any younger and I want to say somethin’ of substance in my songs now. I could write new songs on these themes of course, and I’m sure I will, but sometimes it’s just easier usin’ an old song with new words. If people know the tune already, then they’ll pick it up a lot quicker darlin’.”

Certainly the song 9 to 5 is a natural choice for this treatment, the lyrics needed minimal adjustment, just a few minor tweaks to the chorus was all it took, leading some to question why she bothered to make such a change.

“Hey, if y’all just wanna listen to the original you can do that,” she said. “I just felt it I was doin’ this, changin’ the lyrics to everythin’ else, then I couldn’t leave this one alone, and it’s not much of a change really.”

The notion of a re-recording with only a slight change to the chorus is not unprecedented, Status Quo re-recorded “Rockin’ All Over The World” (written by John Fogerty) as “Runnin’ All Over The World”, and Tears For Fears re-recorded their hit “Everybody Wants To Rule The World” as “Everybody Wants To Run The World”, both with minimal lyrical changes, for Sport Aid in the 1980s.

Parton’s reissued album, entitled “Somethin’ Old, Somethin’ New, Somethin’ Borrowed, Somethin’ Blue”, features re-recordings of many of her songs from the last half-century including “In The Good Old Days (When Times Were Bad)”, “The Bargain Store”, and “It’s Sure Gonna Hurt.” There is also a bonus track on the UK version in which “Jolene” is re-recorded as “Arlene”.
The album is in the shops now in time for Christmas.

Tony Blair stands more chance of being re-elected PM than Theresa May – according to the newly released results of a Maori poll.

The results released Sunday by the New Zealand based polling firm, show a staggering 52% of voters prefer former PM Tony Blair, against only 48% for current PM Theresa May.

However a Downing Street spokesman dismissed the poll results as a “freak result due to voters having been presented with a false choice between only two options” and to “deliberate lies promoting the Blair camp spread through social media.” as well as, “Clearly there was some form of illegal foreign intervention which should be the subject of criminal investigation, and anyway it’s only a poll so the results are non binding.”

However radical groups supporting wannabe conservative leader Jacob Rees Mogg, the self syled “Mogglodytes”, and the more extreme “Mogglamic Jihad”, hailed the result as a clear indication of the contempt in which Mrs Theresa May is held among Tory voters.

“However much we dislike Blair, he did actually invade Iraq, lied about why he did it, and still got re-elected,” explained a spokesman, adjusting his monacle.

“May couldn’t even manage to lie to her own cabinet without half if them walking out,” he said pointing out she last week wussed out of lying to parliament in a vote on her Brexit deal.

“And she’s already wimped out of leading the party into the next election, if she tried invading her own bathriom she’d likely lose the soap,” he sneered.”

Fantastic and reassuring news for the people of the United Kingdom today that they are going to have to dig up their grandparents after all and demand to know where they buried the family Blitz spirit, with the announcement that the Government is to test readiness for managed no deal Brexit with a ‘managed no Christmas’.

“Chris Grayling has been put in charge of the test fire,” a spokesman for whoever is prime minister told LCD Views, “so we’ll definitely need Blitz spirit to survive Christmas. A good warm up to the successful managed crash out and burn No Deal Brexit, so asset strippers and vulture capitalists can buy your house cheap to rent back to you, about the time when you’re explaining to your children that one of them will have to start hunting their own food.”

But how will Mr Grayling, famous for so many headline hogging infrastructure projects, manage a project as big as Christmas?

“It’s a managed no Christmas. That’s important.”

What’s the difference?

“Well, clearly there will be nothing to manage if there is no Christmas, except misery, disappointment, crushed expectations and serious family tension.”

Oh, we get it. Perfect warm up for a managed no deal.

“Yes, Chris Grayling will manage to fit the managing of no Christmas into his daily schedule, as he has plenty of spare time because he doesn’t manage anything already, really.”

So just an ordinary day in the office for the Secretary of State?

“He’s a what?”

A Secretary of State.

“Jesus wept. I knew the UK was mismanaged, but I didn’t think it was that bad. I thought he was a junior minister. It never occurred to me that he had been given so much responsibility. I wouldn’t even bother buying a tree this year, if I were you.”

We asked a representative of Labour what they thought about the government’s test run for next year and they replied,

“We will still have Christmas, so long as we have a magic grandpa and we all believe.”

LCD Views can report on a tsunami of relief sweeping away concerns across the country today that the UK is the focus of some sort of international, kleptomaniac, far right, fascist coup after the revelation that the current UK parliament is actually just a Russian man in a parliament suit.

“He wears the House of Commons really well,” our College Green fixture, Mr Lawn, reports, “The upper house is just a hat that doesn’t fit, but the lower house, wow, apparently he’s even gone so far as to wear red, white and blue budgie smugglers under the tweed trousers.”

The decision to go with tweed for the entire suit was apparently a controversial one, after all, why not navy blue? But in the end the designers of the suit in the Kremlin, with their partners in the USA and Britain, decided it would be better to blend in with the hoi polloi.

“Calling him Boris has raised a few eyebrows though,” Mr Lawn says, “it’s almost as if the nickname is a homage to someone currently pretending to be an MP. But as you can see by how long the trick has played out, however much time and money they’ve invested to bring it about has so far been worth their while.”

But the knowledge that what seems to generally be amazeballsingly idiotic, callous and just plain stupid behaviour from the 650 MPs currently serving is actually a pre-planned piece of performance art, has soothed nerves.

“There were apparently some concerns that the trick would be exposed soon after it’s launch on the 8th June 2017, but it seems the UK MSM is just not up to the job of wondering why a robot needs to go for a dump so frequently, over everything that made the UK worthwhile.”

Plans to call the performance off are in the pipeline.

“The Russian designers of the act are a little concerned that they’re being outshone by an actual, homemade British robot also seen frequently in Westminster, but as that is programmed to only complete simple tasks such as voicing ‘Brexit means Brexit’ repeatedly, and needs to be constantly turned off and on again or it blue screens, they reckon they’ll keep the gig going for a while yet. At least until the entirety of the UK either crashes or somebody presses the esc key.”

A nanny employed privately by an ideologically hard pressed family has spoken exclusively to LCD Views this morning about how furious she is with the small boy in her charge over his persistent bed wetting.

”I don’t know what set him off this time,” she told us, “he’s been dry as a bone for the last few weeks. Up too late of course. Talking about how he’ll outlaw abortion and put the women back in their place once he’s king of the world, and other progressive ideas, like zero taxation for the rich.”

It sounds like he has a vivid imagination.

”An over active one I’d say. I’m fed up with it all. I keep having to trudge back up the fourteen staircases in my employer’s modest property to tell him to put the walkie talkie away, stop talking to the naughty boys from bad families over it, turn your light out and GO TO SLEEP!”

But no sooner have you returned to the scullery than you hear him at it again?

”Yes. He doesn’t know I have a walkie talkie tuned to the frequency he and Irritable Duncan, and some rather dim and wayward girls, use to plot their ridiculous schemes to overthrow the governess of the publicly subsidised crèche they all go to, when they can be bothered.”

Do you think the bed wetting is related to some personal disappointment? One he can’t process?

”What? Like realising it’s going to take until after Brexit to privatise the food bank industry?”

Something like that. Or perhaps having received a proper spanking from some other boys?

”Oh, perhaps. But it’s got to stop. Jacob is forty nine for crying out loud! He should know better by now! I fear all he’ll ever amount to is a disaster capitalist masquerading as a permanent backbencher, setting off daft schemes due to an inherent and unjustified sense of entitlement! Still, if little Donald Trump was able to use the money his father earned to buy himself high office, maybe one day, Little Jacob will too.”

I wouldn’t count on it.