Category: Governing the people

Global Britain’s Field marshall was said to be “blazing”, “fuming”, “crackling”, “red hot with rage” and producing a lot of heat today (although not a lot of fire) after the portrait of himself he commissioned turned out more accurate than anticipated.

The painting, which Williamson intended to hang behind his desk at the MOD, is likely to be sat gathering dust, due to a representation of the the UK’s defence minister that critics have described as “dazzlingly vivid, with a searing honesty in the accuracy of the individual and his work”.

LCD Views’ own art critic has viewed the painting and had this to say,

“You can see why Williamson is upset,” Mr Art Kritic said, “I have it on good authority that the painting was supposed to intimidate high ranking military officers when they entered Williamson’s office (which he’s nicknamed ‘high command’) to tell him that all his initiatives were ‘batshit’ crazy. But the artist riffed on Williamson the man, clearly it was a mistake to commission the painting from someone known as an auteur who likes to get to the heart of the matter.”

It seems Williamson wanted a sci-fi theme and himself painted snarling, in leather fighting brogues and a g-string, holding a laser spear and riding a giant tarantula across a Martian like landscape.

“But instead, as soon as the artist heard Gav say he wanted the name ‘Marengo’ painted in script on the abdomen of the tarantula, he got ideas of his own.”

But all may not be lost for the work, painted with a mixture of oily self-promotion mixed with unadulterated horseshit, as it’s likely to end up on Ebay where bidding will be fierce.

“I expect a lot of interest from Russian bidders, mostly wanting it as something to laugh at,” our critic muses, “but Gavin will fancy that as a compliment. So many other Tory MPs have had oodles of Russian money poured into their pockets, why not me too? He may well be thinking.”

Fierceless defender of human rights and the MP judged second most likely to get changed for work in a phone box, Sajid Javid, Home Secretary, has broken short a family holiday to confirm via Skype that the collage of the Battle of Salamis, 1066 and the D Day landings is an accurate picture of the refugee landings at Dover.

”Britons need to be ready to defend their homes against a wave of invasion,” we think he said, it was hard to tell as he seemed distracted by the possibility of using xenophobia and half a dozen desperate people in a boat to become prime minister,

“millions upon millions of people are preparing to swamp our shores in search of a better climate. They’re fed up with the French climate. They are greedily eying up ours,

”This is a major crisis. They will steal GMT if not repulsed. And that’s an atomic clock. Clearly they’re going to make an atomic bomb and threaten us with the end of time unless they’re allowed to queue jump ahead of hard working British taxpayers and get a luxury council home for a family of ten and more on benefits than you, the hardworking British taxpayer, earn. We didn’t tighten our belts through austerity just to waste money now saving lives.”

But surely the collage photo, produced by your department and released through the media is just hyping up a situation that has been occurring for years? And is a non-surprising result of making arms sales a pillar of our economic and foreign policy?

”When I’m prime minister you will be imprisoned for such talk.”

Excuse me?

”Sorry. Now I’ve dealt with the ECONOMIC MIGRANT CRISIS I’m going to change back into my holiday clothes.”

Good idea. There’s nothing else that needs doing.

”Oh damn.”

What’s the matter?

”Jeremy Corbyn is in the phone box and he never comes out. It’s okay Jezza, the story is not about the scandalous treatment of EU nationals, it’s about refugees, you can stop hiding and get your intern to post on Twitter!”

Voting rights are to be confined to ‘worthy’ people only after Brexit. The news leaked out while the country was busy looking the other way. Income really is the only official measure of one’s worthiness these days.

Home Office spokestit Rich Vota-Zonlie took a few moments out of his busy schedule of getting drunk to explain.

“The government is anxious to ensure that voter fraud is eliminated,” he warbled. “Or at least, controlled by the right people. Voting is a highly skilled matter. Therefore, since skill and a decent pay cheque are the same thing, the franchise will be earned by attaining a minimum income of £30,000.”

But how can this be permitted? The right of an adult to vote has been enshrined in law for a century now. There will be uproar.

“Yes, but it won’t count because they will be ineligible to vote,” explained Vota-Zonlie. “We can chuck them a bit of bread and order the army to disperse them.”

Will skilled workers coming into the country new allowed to vote?

“Of course,” he replied. “Success brings rights and privileges, that’s the very definition of success. Why work hard, only to discover that the idle spongers are your equals? It’s a disincentive to succeed.”

This is a kick in the teeth for poor people who voted for Brexit.

“The People have spoken, and, with a bit of imagination, said exactly what we wanted them to say,” said Vota-Zonlie. “It is their responsibility to bear. The well-off will be rewarded for choosing Brexit, and the plebs will have their selfless decision to cede what little power they had to the ruling class immortalised as the Final Vote.”

Money is already being diverted from the Universal Credit budget to pay for a statue of The Honest Brexit Serf. This will be installed permanently on the vacant plinth in Trafalgar Square.

Jeremy Corbyn is already condemning the move, instead suggesting that there should be “a” franchise restriction.

Irked at constant references likening them to inept politicians, British clowns are fighting back and plan to take their argument direct to the British people.

Addressing a public meeting in parliament square a red nosed, white faced Mr Jolly, resplendent in an outrageously colourful checked suit, and taking time off from a toddlers Xmas party, did not mince words.

“We’ve really had it with the incessant snide comparisons to this Brexit chaos in parliament – IT’S NOT OUR CIRCUS, THEY’RE NOT OUR MONKEYS,” he snarled.

British clowns, he explained, are no longer prepared to accept “jobist” insults.

“We succeed in making people laugh as the result of years of specialist training and experience, not through the sheer blind incompetence, dishonesty and self interest displayed by our “so called” elected representatives ,” he said, pointing out that the majority of safe parliamentary seats are allocated to “party insiders” through nothing more taxing than nepotism and sycophancy.

“We have to work had to get our jobs –  there’s more to clowning than putting on a funny suit and make up,” he shouted adding that British clowns are considering taking their appeal direct to the British people.

“We’ve thought about setting up our own political party to contest the next election,” he said.

“What’s stopping us is that the Labour party has all the momentum of a collapsing clown car meaning there is a strong chance we’d actually win and be forced to form a government, ” he laughed, explaining that for a party of REAL clowns, this might prove difficult.

“Parliamentary dress code requires male members to wear “business-like attire”  rather than loud clashing checks and revolving bow ties – although oddly the same rules don’t seem to apply to Theresa May,” he laughed.

 

Downing Street has gotten into the Christmas spirit today by getting ahead of the pack regarding post Christmas dieting plans.

“We know everyone is going to gorge themselves silly during the festive period,” Theresa May told the nation during a unique television speech, “from food bank users to tax haven lovers, all are going to eat to excess. We will look away while this happens, but we must ensure the people shed as many pounds as possible next year. This is why I have accepted Michael Gove’s catchy title for the U.K. 2019 Brexit menu planner, ‘We’re all going to diet!’”

While the contents of the message were not surprising, to anyone who’s been paying attention, the decision of Ms May to dress festively for it did raise an eyebrow or two.

”I never thought I’d see her so carefree as to wear an elf’s hat with matching snow chain necklace adorned with actual reindeer antlers,” keen May watcher and BBC journalist, Ms Tori Placeman, told us, “someone must have let her at the sherry before the broadcast. It’s a shrewd move and one that humanises a figure weirdly viewed as sociopathic and aloof at times.”

Other commentators noted the wet blood on the antlers suggested May had recently hunted the animal herself.

”Probably some initiation ceremony into a global society of tax dodging, feudalism fetishing kleptomaniacs using Brexit as the thin edge to break the EU wedge,” Labour Party spokesman, Mr Knot Atrot observed, “once we seize power through a popular uprising resulting from having placidly stood by and watched Brexit occur, knowing the harm it will cause, we will see the antlers tried in a people’s court for deviancy.”

Details of the actual ‘We’re all going to diet!’ menu are still scarce though, in spite of the rousing address by the nation’s mother.

”It’ll be a belt tightener,” Ms May did say though, “mostly because of all the calories unavailable to the U.K. once we purposefully smash our food supply chains. Merry Christmas.”

It seems you can’t move for remakes of classic sitcoms these days, and now it’s the turn of ‘Allo ‘Allo, set in Nazi-occupied France and centring around cafe owner Rene and his wife Edith as they found themselves unwittingly in the middle of plots by the SS, the Gestapo and the French Resistance.

The remake will star Jeremy Corbyn as Rene, who will reprise the character’s famous catchphrase “you stupid woman!” typically uttered by Rene to his wife as he contrives an unconvincing innocent explanation for why she has just caught him in the arms of his waitress Yvette.

Rene’s wife Edith will be played by Theresa May, while Arlene Foster has been cast as Edith’s invalid mother who is forever shouting at her from her attic bedroom.

Yvette, the waitress with whom Rene will cheat on his wife at every opportunity, will be played by Nicola Sturgeon, while Angela Merkel will be taking on the role of resistance leader Michelle with her catchphrase, “listen very carefully, I shall say this only once.”

The part of Officer Crabtree, the Englishman disguised as a French policeman whose attempts to speak the language are frequently unintelligible, as typified by his catchphrase “good moaning” will be played by Donald Trump.

Nigel Farage will play Colonel Von Strohm, the German officer in charge of the occupying army garrison, while the part of his boss General Von Klinkerhoffen has been given to Vladimir Putin.

Rounding off the ensemble cast will be Paul Golding as Herr Flick of the Gestapo, who is again having an affair with the colonel’s secretary Helga, played here by Jayda Fransen.

The new series will hit our screens on April 1st 2019.

The leader of Her Majesty’s Loyal Supportive Opposition, Jeremy Corbyn, has finally called for a parliamentary vote. The motion is an unusual one. It calls for “a” managed no confidence in the Prime Minister.

Corbyn himself explained his reasons for his actions. “I felt this twinge in my back,” he said. “At first I thought it was my conscience, so I ignored it as usual. Turns out it was my vestigial spine giving me gyp again, so I’m off to the doctor in the morning for more pills.”

So, what’s this all about? The terminology is nebulous even by today’s low standards.

Momentum staffer Tori Plant was on hand to demystify the situation. “Jeremy has thought this through quite carefully,” claims Plant. “This sort of motion has to be brought forward very carefully, you might even say ‘managed’. It can take months to get it right! Unusual circumstances call for unusual measures, so the bog-standard no confidence vote is no use. What we are using is so new that nobody, not even Jeremy, knows what it is. All we know, is that it is a no confidence vote of some description, and it is sure to be extremely effective in showing just how mildly annoyed Jeremy really is.”

Corbyn himself was pleased with the reaction to his symbolic gesture. “If successful, it will rank alongside my greatest achievements,” he boasted. “It will come vie for top spot with being voted Bearded Trot of the Year in 1983-7, and my aubergine that won second prize at the Islington Allotment Holders’ Fayre in 2017.”

If unsuccessful, Corbyn has vowed to bring “a” managed no confidence vote in the government itself. “This all takes time,” he remarked snoozily, as all around him parliamentarians yelled abuse at each other. “I should have something half-decent drafted before the summer recess. Now excuse me, I’m having “a” managed forty winks here!”

The brickbats pelted in from all sides, but Corbyn simply smiled and started to snore.

“People of Britannia, and her subject provinces,” Prime Minister Theresa May will address the people of the United Kingdom, and her subject provinces, today, “in times of great self imposed risk we must unify as one people, set aside our political divisions, as the leader of the opposition has with myself over Brexit, and come together to face the common foe. The people.”

In her script she pauses dramatically at this point to use her weird, slightly wobbly eyeball power stare. Let it linger. Hold it. Hold it. Then…

”The U.K. has left me no choice but to place the U.K. on a war footing.”

Another dramatic pause.

“Long have a strived to continue the long peace with the United Kingdom, but along with its treacherous ally reality, it has driven us to a turning in the road where patience is no longer a road I can continue to spoon.”

At this point an underling will rush out with a piece of paper, kneel and hand it to May.

”I have no choice now but to solemnly declare war on the U.K. Our trident submarines are even now targeting their arsenal of nuclear missiles on London, on York, on Manchester, in Edinburgh and anywhere else in the rogue state that defies the will of the people.”

Make time for gasps. Time to settle the eruption of questions from the handpicked press attending the announcement.

”If we stand together as one we can defeat the United Kingdom. And the U.K. should be in no doubt at my readiness to use our arsenal of nuclear submarines against ourselves before the U.K. can use them against ourselves first.”

Let that sink in, and then,

”If my legacy is a giant sheet of glass adrift off the north west coast of Europe, with just one small office building left standing, and if that one small office building is the address for all the money laundering and tax evading on Earth, I will have been victorious and the will of the people fulfilled.”

Smile. Hold the cold smile. Now raise your arms in triumph.

”If you’re not willing to set fire to yourself, then allow me to do it completely unnecessarily just because I hate immigrants.”

Applaude. Mad applause. From a can if necessary.

”We’re going to dig for Britain and we’re not going to stop digging until the walls of the hole we’re digging collapse in on top of us.”

“Don’t worry! Don’t panic!” Matt Hardcock MP for Wood, and newly promoted to Health Secretary (after Jeremy Hunt decided he wanted to be closer to Theresa May’s back), told gathered reporters today, “palliative care costs are going to go right down in Brexit Britain.”

The encouraging announcement on a new policy of not treating anyone who God won’t save, to save costs, was welcome. More so due to the rolling out of progressive immigration policies designed to tell forriners to bog off.

”I know spending the entirety of 2019’s NHS budget on Smegs to prepare for a managed no deal has ruffled a few feathers in the general public,” Matt ‘living viagra’ Appendages paused to smile, “unless you’re an importer of high end, fashionable fridges!”

There’s always a winner.

“But to reassure further I want to announce today that I’ve ordered all NHS hospital trusts to retrain their new fridge mountains as nurses. This means if by some mad fluke of fate Brexit doesn’t happen, no one can say the government has been wasting money better spent on human resources.”

Brexit will cost whatever Brexit will cost.

”Although I would advise that people practise taking their own temperatures, if they intend on visiting a hospital,” Matt Fingerstiffy added, “as a fridge will probably do it and say you’re dead, given a fridge is cold when working.”

Responding to the latest preparations for Brexit and the mass purchase of fridges a spokesman for the Labour front bench said the following,

”This is just scandalous,” Mr Lenin Defeat-Strategy said, “Everyone knows that expecting sick people to take their own temperature will lead to errors. Under Lexit the fridges will be turned off and operating at room temperature, thus able to accurately take temperatures and freeing up actual nurses to attend to machinery accidents on the newly collectivised farms that will see the nation enjoying full employment.”

It’s not uncommon for many stars from days gone by to bring out new recordings of their old hits, many classic 70s acts have done it for one reason or another. Usually the purpose of these re-recordings is to do something a little different but still recognisable with familiar songs to make the listener think, “oh yes, I always thought it could work that way!” But Dolly Parton’s latest venture has a different agenda.

The country singer-songwriter, ironically best known for writing “I Will Always Love You”, which was covered by Whitney Houston in the 1990s, has new album of re-recorded hits features the same arrangements of the old songs, but updated lyrics to reflect modern times, and the album is spearheaded with “(Work ‘Til) Ninety-Five”, reflecting the ever-increasing retirement age.

“I know some people just think of me as a big busty blonde and that’s all right, because I am and I’ll admit it’s helped get me where I am today, but I’m not gettin’ any younger and I want to say somethin’ of substance in my songs now. I could write new songs on these themes of course, and I’m sure I will, but sometimes it’s just easier usin’ an old song with new words. If people know the tune already, then they’ll pick it up a lot quicker darlin’.”

Certainly the song 9 to 5 is a natural choice for this treatment, the lyrics needed minimal adjustment, just a few minor tweaks to the chorus was all it took, leading some to question why she bothered to make such a change.

“Hey, if y’all just wanna listen to the original you can do that,” she said. “I just felt it I was doin’ this, changin’ the lyrics to everythin’ else, then I couldn’t leave this one alone, and it’s not much of a change really.”

The notion of a re-recording with only a slight change to the chorus is not unprecedented, Status Quo re-recorded “Rockin’ All Over The World” (written by John Fogerty) as “Runnin’ All Over The World”, and Tears For Fears re-recorded their hit “Everybody Wants To Rule The World” as “Everybody Wants To Run The World”, both with minimal lyrical changes, for Sport Aid in the 1980s.

Parton’s reissued album, entitled “Somethin’ Old, Somethin’ New, Somethin’ Borrowed, Somethin’ Blue”, features re-recordings of many of her songs from the last half-century including “In The Good Old Days (When Times Were Bad)”, “The Bargain Store”, and “It’s Sure Gonna Hurt.” There is also a bonus track on the UK version in which “Jolene” is re-recorded as “Arlene”.
The album is in the shops now in time for Christmas.