“People of Britannia, and her subject provinces,” Prime Minister Theresa May will address the people of the United Kingdom, and her subject provinces, today, “in times of great self imposed risk we must unify as one people, set aside our political divisions, as the leader of the opposition has with myself over Brexit, and come together to face the common foe. The people.”
In her script she pauses dramatically at this point to use her weird, slightly wobbly eyeball power stare. Let it linger. Hold it. Hold it. Then…
”The U.K. has left me no choice but to place the U.K. on a war footing.”
Another dramatic pause.
“Long have a strived to continue the long peace with the United Kingdom, but along with its treacherous ally reality, it has driven us to a turning in the road where patience is no longer a road I can continue to spoon.”
At this point an underling will rush out with a piece of paper, kneel and hand it to May.
”I have no choice now but to solemnly declare war on the U.K. Our trident submarines are even now targeting their arsenal of nuclear missiles on London, on York, on Manchester, in Edinburgh and anywhere else in the rogue state that defies the will of the people.”
Make time for gasps. Time to settle the eruption of questions from the handpicked press attending the announcement.
”If we stand together as one we can defeat the United Kingdom. And the U.K. should be in no doubt at my readiness to use our arsenal of nuclear submarines against ourselves before the U.K. can use them against ourselves first.”
Let that sink in, and then,
”If my legacy is a giant sheet of glass adrift off the north west coast of Europe, with just one small office building left standing, and if that one small office building is the address for all the money laundering and tax evading on Earth, I will have been victorious and the will of the people fulfilled.”
Smile. Hold the cold smile. Now raise your arms in triumph.
”If you’re not willing to set fire to yourself, then allow me to do it completely unnecessarily just because I hate immigrants.”
Applaude. Mad applause. From a can if necessary.
”We’re going to dig for Britain and we’re not going to stop digging until the walls of the hole we’re digging collapse in on top of us.”