Category: Governing the people

Transport secretary Chris “failing” Grayling has announced that he has cancelled the £13.8m Brexit ferry contract he awarded to ‘johnny-no-ships’ ferryboat company “SEABORNE FREIGHT”,  and has instead awarded the contract to a ” highly experienced operator” – BRIAN FERRY. 

“Brian has been in the business with ROCK SEA MUSIC for nearly five decades and MORE THAN THIS has the experience to prevent urgent cargoes being STRANDED without being tarred as merely part of the SAME OLD sea transport SCENE,” cooed Grayling.

Grayling had a hard time explaining why he awarded such a large contract to a “paper company” with no ships, no docking agreements and no actual ferry operating experience, whose owners are widely rumoured to have connections to the conservative party but initially defended the move.

“OH YEAH, welI don’t see any problem with supporting a new British business, THIS IS TOMORROW, and Brian has THE RIGHT STUFF” he said.

However the awarding of a new contract to Brian Ferry is unlikely to end the controversy and has already sparked allegations of nepotistic, nominative determinism. 

Despite his nautical nomenclature, Ferry is a self proclaimed “conservative” and long time supporter of the “Countryside Alliance“, an organisation dedicated to dressing up in silly clothes and the ritual slaughter small to medium sized wild animals.

“This is a SIGN OF THE TIMES, the motto of these TRASH is ‘LET’S STICK TOGETHER‘,” complained a spokesman for the Hunt Saboteurs.

In a written statement, Ferry welcomed the awarding of the new contract and declared that he was WINDSWEPT by THE THRILL OF IT ALL but denied that his new cross channel cargo contract would be used for tobacco smuggling.

“Well ok, maybe just the odd packet of VIRGINIA PLAIN.” he admitted.

 

Transport chiefs, having been urged to just get on with it, have announced that the third runway at Heathrow is to be built by a small girl. The extensive tendering process was bypassed in favour of the old boys’ network.

It turns out that the successful candidate, Ellie Copter, is the daughter of a prominent Tory donor. Ellie herself was happy with the news, but preferred to carry on building Lego unicorns. She then made them fight to the death.

Ellie’s parents have been paid a huge fee for her services. This will be wisely invested on cars, homes and holidays, and of course more Lego for Ellie.

Meanwhile, the couple next door, Mr and Mrs Eyre, were fuming. They donate even more to the Tories, and were angry that their son, Ryan, was overlooked. Ryan Eyre tried to go into partnership with Ellie Copter, but the deal collapsed when she refused to share her Lego and he had a meltdown.

“I think it’s a good idea to encourage young entrepreneurs,” garbled Chris Grayling to the BBC’s yes man. “You learn by doing, I have been told, although I cannot vouch for that myself. Michael Gove told me, after too much port at the cabinet Christmas bash, that I was incapable of either. He’s such a laugh!”

Whether Gove was right or correct remains to be seen, but the prospect of a major construction project being run by a six year old child caused consternation in the City. The pound dropped sharply, although many investors were quick to put money into Haribo.

Ellie’s initial design includes crazy paving in primary colours, a couple of dinosaurs, and a house for her unicorns. Grayling described it as “Just the sort of thing I had in mind”.

Construction is expected to begin as soon as Ellie makes friends with Ryan again.

BBC flag ‘ferry’ ship government PR outfit Radio 4 used its award winning early morning propaganda broadcast ‘Today’ today to do the government a favour and sensibly explain today’s steep rail fare hike.

”It’s not a hike, as it’s more of a mad dash to change platforms before you miss the alternative rail service after the one you were waiting for was first delayed and then cancelled,” transport minister, A Fooken-Spoon MP, explained,

“the hike is what you do after that service is also cancelled and you then decide to walk home. It’s really a keep fit regime, a public health service, for which the government should be applauded, not lambasted.”

The radio 4 anchor, chain less and sinking into the depths unstoppably, helpfully replied, “there’ll be no lambasting here Minister, no matter how disingenuous and fanciful your replies.”

Thereafter followed several minutes of piano music while the two chaps rubbed the souls of their feet together in the classic Bokonon ritual.

No enemies here, only friends who understand one another and work harmoniously together.

”But, for those listeners who maybe a little slow on the uptake,” the government placeman demanded softly, “how do you explain the 3.1% fare increase? Even though, in comparison to 100%, 3.1% is actually very small beer.”

”All those cancelled train messages don’t pay for themselves you know,” A Fooken-Spoon answered, “private rail companies in the U.K. are now the largest employees of voiceover actors. And I for one am not going to sit here and be criticised for supporting the arts in this country.”

Very good Minister.

”Oh, and have you seen how much a rail replacement bus service costs? Almost as much as a train! Now be a good chap and explain how lucky commuters are that the rail fare rises are never cancelled and are always on time.”

Cripes,  the new year is upon us, and the jolly jape that is Brexit is still going! How long before House Mistress May realises, and gives us all six of the best? The thought keeps me up at night, and I don’t mean awake. OK, crystal ball out. Here goes!

January: Theresa May will refuse the vote on her “deal” again. Jeremy Corbyn will threaten to actually do something. Again. Nothing will happen. Again. I will initiate as many interns as possible.

February: Michael Gove will reaffirm his support for Theresa May in a bare-faced leadership bid. I will receive hundreds of Valentine’s cards and spend most of the month covering fillies.

March: Lemmings will gather on every cliff edge in Britain. May’s “deal” will be approved at 10.59pm on the 29th. Lemmings will go home disappointed.

April: Hundreds of disgruntled people will gather outside parliament to protest. They will not be Brexiters or Remainers, but Londoners on a day trip to Clacton whose coach broke down in Westminster.

May: Footballers playing for European teams will domicile themselves in Clacton to avoid paying tax. The Eurostar will be chartered to take them back to Paris or wherever so they can pretend to be hurt like great big pansies. Rugger is still the real men’s sport.

June: Jacob Rees-Mogg will blame the EU for the incessant rain. Michael Fish will be dragged out of retirement to forecast sunshine. At Lord’s, rain may stop play, but I will bowl many a maiden over. Howzat?

July: Thousands will realise that their holiday in Spain is beyond their means, and that it will take six months to get a visa. Should have bought a premium blue Boris passport! There will be 16 miles of queueing coaches on the approaches to Clacton.

August: The newspapers will try to convince you that half a day of sunshine constitutes a heatwave. Clacton will run out of ice-cream. I will be at the Cambridge Shakespeare Festival squiring serving wenches.

September: Schoolchildren will be obliged to do compulsory fruit-picking instead of homework.

October: Food and fuel shortages will be in full swing. The three day week will be reintroduced, meaning October will last for ten weeks instead of the usual four.

November: As the nights draw in, people will be advised to share beds to keep warm. I will do my bit by sharing my bed with anyone female, young, nubile and daft enough to take me up on my offer.

December: I will get into the Christmas spirit by dressing in red and coming up as many chimneys as possible. As my dusky chums say, ho ho ho! By this time, EberTreeza Scrooge will probably go cap in hand to the EU and beg for re-entry. I will beg for re-entry with every ho ho ho! And then look forward to a damn good thrashing.

My warmest confibulations to you all.

As 2018 draws to a close, 2019 is looking on anxiously. There is trouble on the horizon, and 2019 does not want to take responsibility. We are looking at a no-deal new year.

2019 is getting no support for its decision to quit. 2018 has done its job and taken more than its share of flak, and 2020 refuses to step forward and take the bullet for 2019.

The crisis has forced Home Secretary Sajid Javid to cut short his holiday. Javid, who would be tearing his hair out if he had any, was unable to sort out the problem. He was, unfortunately, detained by immigration officials because he looked a bit foreign.

LCD Views’ No Time Like The Present correspondent managed to speak with the embattled epoch.

“Every year wants to be important,” sulked 2019. “Just ask 1066, or 1215, or even 1789. What have I got to look forward to? The UK and the USA disappearing up their own backsides. I’m not having it!”

Bad things have to happen sometimes, we suggested.

“Yeah, but it’s not fair, is it?” wailed 2019. “I want to be the year cancer was cured, or that man walked on Mars. Not the year the West destroyed itself voluntarily.”

But there will be complete chaos if there is a no deal new year next year.

“You managed before years were invented,” sneered 2019. “I’m sure you can manage again. It will be a managed no deal new year.”

Look, will you stop acting so entitled and just do your job please?

“No, I’m going back to bed,” said 2019. “Call the new year 2018b or something, I really don’t give a monkey’s. And Auld Lang Syne is a tedious dirge and I hate it!”

There may be trouble ahead. But while there’s music and moonlight and love and romance, let’s enjoy ourselves as much as possible before 29 March 2018b.

Global Britain’s Field marshall was said to be “blazing”, “fuming”, “crackling”, “red hot with rage” and producing a lot of heat today (although not a lot of fire) after the portrait of himself he commissioned turned out more accurate than anticipated.

The painting, which Williamson intended to hang behind his desk at the MOD, is likely to be sat gathering dust, due to a representation of the the UK’s defence minister that critics have described as “dazzlingly vivid, with a searing honesty in the accuracy of the individual and his work”.

LCD Views’ own art critic has viewed the painting and had this to say,

“You can see why Williamson is upset,” Mr Art Kritic said, “I have it on good authority that the painting was supposed to intimidate high ranking military officers when they entered Williamson’s office (which he’s nicknamed ‘high command’) to tell him that all his initiatives were ‘batshit’ crazy. But the artist riffed on Williamson the man, clearly it was a mistake to commission the painting from someone known as an auteur who likes to get to the heart of the matter.”

It seems Williamson wanted a sci-fi theme and himself painted snarling, in leather fighting brogues and a g-string, holding a laser spear and riding a giant tarantula across a Martian like landscape.

“But instead, as soon as the artist heard Gav say he wanted the name ‘Marengo’ painted in script on the abdomen of the tarantula, he got ideas of his own.”

But all may not be lost for the work, painted with a mixture of oily self-promotion mixed with unadulterated horseshit, as it’s likely to end up on Ebay where bidding will be fierce.

“I expect a lot of interest from Russian bidders, mostly wanting it as something to laugh at,” our critic muses, “but Gavin will fancy that as a compliment. So many other Tory MPs have had oodles of Russian money poured into their pockets, why not me too? He may well be thinking.”

Fierceless defender of human rights and the MP judged second most likely to get changed for work in a phone box, Sajid Javid, Home Secretary, has broken short a family holiday to confirm via Skype that the collage of the Battle of Salamis, 1066 and the D Day landings is an accurate picture of the refugee landings at Dover.

”Britons need to be ready to defend their homes against a wave of invasion,” we think he said, it was hard to tell as he seemed distracted by the possibility of using xenophobia and half a dozen desperate people in a boat to become prime minister,

“millions upon millions of people are preparing to swamp our shores in search of a better climate. They’re fed up with the French climate. They are greedily eying up ours,

”This is a major crisis. They will steal GMT if not repulsed. And that’s an atomic clock. Clearly they’re going to make an atomic bomb and threaten us with the end of time unless they’re allowed to queue jump ahead of hard working British taxpayers and get a luxury council home for a family of ten and more on benefits than you, the hardworking British taxpayer, earn. We didn’t tighten our belts through austerity just to waste money now saving lives.”

But surely the collage photo, produced by your department and released through the media is just hyping up a situation that has been occurring for years? And is a non-surprising result of making arms sales a pillar of our economic and foreign policy?

”When I’m prime minister you will be imprisoned for such talk.”

Excuse me?

”Sorry. Now I’ve dealt with the ECONOMIC MIGRANT CRISIS I’m going to change back into my holiday clothes.”

Good idea. There’s nothing else that needs doing.

”Oh damn.”

What’s the matter?

”Jeremy Corbyn is in the phone box and he never comes out. It’s okay Jezza, the story is not about the scandalous treatment of EU nationals, it’s about refugees, you can stop hiding and get your intern to post on Twitter!”

Voting rights are to be confined to ‘worthy’ people only after Brexit. The news leaked out while the country was busy looking the other way. Income really is the only official measure of one’s worthiness these days.

Home Office spokestit Rich Vota-Zonlie took a few moments out of his busy schedule of getting drunk to explain.

“The government is anxious to ensure that voter fraud is eliminated,” he warbled. “Or at least, controlled by the right people. Voting is a highly skilled matter. Therefore, since skill and a decent pay cheque are the same thing, the franchise will be earned by attaining a minimum income of £30,000.”

But how can this be permitted? The right of an adult to vote has been enshrined in law for a century now. There will be uproar.

“Yes, but it won’t count because they will be ineligible to vote,” explained Vota-Zonlie. “We can chuck them a bit of bread and order the army to disperse them.”

Will skilled workers coming into the country new allowed to vote?

“Of course,” he replied. “Success brings rights and privileges, that’s the very definition of success. Why work hard, only to discover that the idle spongers are your equals? It’s a disincentive to succeed.”

This is a kick in the teeth for poor people who voted for Brexit.

“The People have spoken, and, with a bit of imagination, said exactly what we wanted them to say,” said Vota-Zonlie. “It is their responsibility to bear. The well-off will be rewarded for choosing Brexit, and the plebs will have their selfless decision to cede what little power they had to the ruling class immortalised as the Final Vote.”

Money is already being diverted from the Universal Credit budget to pay for a statue of The Honest Brexit Serf. This will be installed permanently on the vacant plinth in Trafalgar Square.

Jeremy Corbyn is already condemning the move, instead suggesting that there should be “a” franchise restriction.

Irked at constant references likening them to inept politicians, British clowns are fighting back and plan to take their argument direct to the British people.

Addressing a public meeting in parliament square a red nosed, white faced Mr Jolly, resplendent in an outrageously colourful checked suit, and taking time off from a toddlers Xmas party, did not mince words.

“We’ve really had it with the incessant snide comparisons to this Brexit chaos in parliament – IT’S NOT OUR CIRCUS, THEY’RE NOT OUR MONKEYS,” he snarled.

British clowns, he explained, are no longer prepared to accept “jobist” insults.

“We succeed in making people laugh as the result of years of specialist training and experience, not through the sheer blind incompetence, dishonesty and self interest displayed by our “so called” elected representatives ,” he said, pointing out that the majority of safe parliamentary seats are allocated to “party insiders” through nothing more taxing than nepotism and sycophancy.

“We have to work had to get our jobs –  there’s more to clowning than putting on a funny suit and make up,” he shouted adding that British clowns are considering taking their appeal direct to the British people.

“We’ve thought about setting up our own political party to contest the next election,” he said.

“What’s stopping us is that the Labour party has all the momentum of a collapsing clown car meaning there is a strong chance we’d actually win and be forced to form a government, ” he laughed, explaining that for a party of REAL clowns, this might prove difficult.

“Parliamentary dress code requires male members to wear “business-like attire”  rather than loud clashing checks and revolving bow ties – although oddly the same rules don’t seem to apply to Theresa May,” he laughed.

 

Downing Street has gotten into the Christmas spirit today by getting ahead of the pack regarding post Christmas dieting plans.

“We know everyone is going to gorge themselves silly during the festive period,” Theresa May told the nation during a unique television speech, “from food bank users to tax haven lovers, all are going to eat to excess. We will look away while this happens, but we must ensure the people shed as many pounds as possible next year. This is why I have accepted Michael Gove’s catchy title for the U.K. 2019 Brexit menu planner, ‘We’re all going to diet!’”

While the contents of the message were not surprising, to anyone who’s been paying attention, the decision of Ms May to dress festively for it did raise an eyebrow or two.

”I never thought I’d see her so carefree as to wear an elf’s hat with matching snow chain necklace adorned with actual reindeer antlers,” keen May watcher and BBC journalist, Ms Tori Placeman, told us, “someone must have let her at the sherry before the broadcast. It’s a shrewd move and one that humanises a figure weirdly viewed as sociopathic and aloof at times.”

Other commentators noted the wet blood on the antlers suggested May had recently hunted the animal herself.

”Probably some initiation ceremony into a global society of tax dodging, feudalism fetishing kleptomaniacs using Brexit as the thin edge to break the EU wedge,” Labour Party spokesman, Mr Knot Atrot observed, “once we seize power through a popular uprising resulting from having placidly stood by and watched Brexit occur, knowing the harm it will cause, we will see the antlers tried in a people’s court for deviancy.”

Details of the actual ‘We’re all going to diet!’ menu are still scarce though, in spite of the rousing address by the nation’s mother.

”It’ll be a belt tightener,” Ms May did say though, “mostly because of all the calories unavailable to the U.K. once we purposefully smash our food supply chains. Merry Christmas.”