Category: Governing the people

A man who is always careful to be well tailored and manicured in his speech, lest the mask slip, has announced today he has bought a double breasted hi viz vest from a Saville Row tailor.

“One does not wish to appear to be an ordinary street thug while protesting against the sudden reemergence of parliamentary sovereignty,” the man told LCD Views’ Wolves in Wolves Clothing correspondent, “the men of my political persuasion of the 1920’s, 1930’s and early 1940’s were always well turned out. Latere aperto is my rule of thumb. But, and this is very cunning, sordidum opus face popular tuum, ut alii. It’s best if your common man does the pavement job of jostling and spitting at older people protesting peacefully. All in the innocent hope of intimidating them into silence.”

It’s believed once the vest has been tailored and a fitting taken place the man will wear it in the House of Commons to lend support to his own supporters on the pavements of Westminster.

“Parliament sits in the noble chamber of the House of Commons. Not on College Green. But on College Green the important work of explaining to common voters what happens if they protest against making good the illegally secured victory of the greatest act of democracy since Adolf had numerous referenda.”

Yes, thank you. And that’s with standing room only for the most important debates when a majority of elected representatives turn up, elbow to elbow.

Perhaps a new building would be order? So our MPs can all take a seat like adults and discuss things without carrying on like out of control boys sensing the blood of a substitute teacher. And maybe build it up north, to encourage love and sympathy for London?

“Oh, I do not think the great British public want us wasting their hard earned money willy nilly on new structures for parliament,” the man smirked, “once the shadowy backers of the yellow vests have their way, and I am elevated to the position of sovereign, their won’t even be a parliament.”

Brexit est Brexit.

PMQ’s was noisier than usual today as prime minister of Great Britain and a part of Ireland (if she carries on) Theresa May responded to a sympathetic question from a backbench Tory MP to kick off the weekly party, showcasing British democracy to the world.

”Can the prime minister confirm for my constituents in La-La that the successful amendment to the finance bill last night, the so called Cooper Traitor’s Bill, will not in any way hinder the ongoing construction of her wall against reality?”

To which the Prime Minister of Great Britain, and some of Ireland, replied:

”I thank the honourable member for La-La, Mr Bridgen, for his question. Firstly though may I commend him on his wearing today of an edible Union Jack waistcoat.”

(Pause as the Tory backbenchers cheer. Intervention by the speaker to call for order as several Tory MPs hurl straightened bananas over at the opposition benches, resulting in John McDonnell waking up, saying what? several times, before he retorted by firing a small red book out of a small red cannon. The book taking so long in flight, that the PM gave up waiting and continued.)

”It is with great pleasure I can confirm to the honourable member that my wall against reality is already completed, and has in fact been entirely constructed by sensible use of taxpayer funds many months prior to last night’s vote.”

(More banana throwing. A pineapple is launched. Tory and Labour Brexiters leave their benches to meet and exchange chunks of gammon. Order resumes. Well, what was passing for it.)

”And may I take just another moment to state that in the coming months I will be adding an additional three walls to form a box and then commissioning a lid so that my wall to keep out reality will become a fully functioning sensory deprivation chamber.”

(Orgasms of delight. PMQs pauses for cleaning off the spittle and flung shite.)

Jeremy Corbyn next rose to question the prime minister:

”Can the honourable lady confirm that she will be looking favourably upon my own motion to build ‘a’ wall against reality and stop wasting time on ‘the’ wall against reality…”

And the war against reality carried on.

With the US congress steadfastly refusing to fund his border wall,  president Donald Trump has turned to 80s pop celebrities to help him sell the project to the US public.

White House spokesperson Thomas Dolby confirmed to LCD views Wednesday that the President had this morning entered a recording studio with members of 80s synth pop ensemble “The Human League” to add his vocals to a new version of their 1980 minor hit “Empire State Human”, better known to 80s pop pickers as “that bloody wall song”.

“The president feels that with their rousing chorus of ‘I want to be tall, tall, tall…As big as a wall, wall, wall…’, and backing vocals of “Fetch more water fetch more sand, BIGGEST person in the land”, The Human League have neatly summarised his motivation for erecting this much needed addition to security on our southern border,” he explained.

However he denied point blank that there had been any discussion with the band over a possible further collaboration to rerecord their global mega hit, “Don’t You Want Me Baby” as a on open appeal to Nancy Pelosi, speaker of the US congress, where the Democrat majority is refusing to release funds for Trump’s planned border wall.

“Frankly there’s more chance of the President turning buddhist and  “Being Boiled“, he punned.

Pelosi, for her part, speaking on the steps of congress chose to neither confirm nor deny widespread rumours that she was herself was recording a duet with former “Human League” members Martin Ware and Ian Craig Marsh, better known as 80s synth pop hit factory, “Heaven 17”.

“All I can say at this point is ‘Brothers, sisters, we don’t need this fascist groove thang…” she smirked.

Chaos reigns in Westminster today after and emergency shutdown was declared. This was because a drone had been allegedly seen hovering dangerously close to the Houses of Parliament.

Current government is such a lot of pie in the sky that the drone was potentially interfering with the government’s head space. No blue sky thinking is possible when toy helicopters are buzzing around.

The response was typical of the current administration. A massive overreaction, and complete paralysis. There are genuine fears, from Brexiters of all hues, that the drones could read and steal what pass for their thoughts. Others are annoyed that the drone could possibly disturb their castles in the air.

So no flights of fancy will be leaving Westminster for a couple of days at least. Theresa May has already indicated that the shutdown could last until Brexit Day, when British airspace will finally be rid of all European influence. I’m Theresa, don’t fly me.

Speculation is growing over who could be behind the dastardly drone attack. Brexiters are blaming the pro-EU faction, and vice versa. The Daily Express has already circulated a piece suggesting that sales of drones may only be made to angry red-faced men in yellow reflective clothing.

Unconfirmed rumours abound that the Army has been put on standby in case of further attacks. Expect College Green to be covered in tanks and cannons. Wait for the entitled mob intent on disrupting democracy to burst with pride in the presence of ‘our boys’.

Sources later revealed that there may not have been a drone at all. Drone expert Mon O’Tone gave us her view. “Members of the public sometimes confuse other flying objects for drones,” she droned, monotonously. “Like pigeons, or blackbirds, or crows, or ravens, or fairies, or sparrows, or UFOs, or doves, or robins, or…”

So it could all be a lot of fuss about nothing. A bit like Brexit, then.

Cabinet minister Chris Grayling is under fire today after being caught red handed renting out the empty space inside his head.

When questioned by reporters over the additional income, which has so far not being declared to parliament as required by the rules, a spokesmen for the transport supremo defended the actions of his boss:

“Chris isn’t using the space, why shouldn’t he make a little extra income to beef up his frankly paltry pay as a minster of state,” Mr Bullet Magnet told LCD Views, “he’s actually helping alleviate the housing crisis in London, which is severe, especially in Westminster, where the space is being rented from.”

But this defence failed to satisfy after it was revealed the tenants in the MP’s head were not residential but commercial.

“So? I wasn’t aware when I addressed the matter earlier, but given the bargain price Mr Grayling is asking, I think it only right and proper that we applaud him for supporting a start up British business.”

But even that didn’t wash after it was revealed the start up itself was using taxpayer money to pay for the long lease inside the Transport Secretary’s head.

“Well if he had just paid himself directly you’d say he was corrupt!” Mr Magnet scoffed, “it’s getting so an MP can’t do anything normal without receiving a public handbagging.”

The discovery of the space inside Mr Grayling’s head being put up for rent has increased pressure on the prime minister to sack him, after a string of low profile screw ups that make Mr Magoo appear to be eagle eyed in comparison.

“No chance,” Mr Magnet replied, “The prime minister has a perfectly sensible policy of surrounding herself with complete and utter imbeciles in order to make herself look good.”

But given they refuse to turf her out of her job, until she has completed the task of Brexit and thus willingly becoming one of the biggest fall guys ever in British history, you have to wonder who is actually smarter.

“Not so silly after all, hey,” Mr Magnet winked, before rushing off to organise the shipping news for broadcast to a firm specialising in takeaway food deliveries.

A “top secret” government working group is conducting an assessment on the viability of “temporary Internet shutdowns” to offset anticipated power shortages after the UK leaves the European Union on March 29th.

Speaking to LCD views on condition of anonymity, a senior Whitehall source confirmed that a special working group code-named “Dept Against Reactionary Communication”, or DARC for short, is conducting stress tests on vital infrastructure and services to confirm whether they will continue working in the event of enforced Internet cuts.

“The Internet uses an enormous amount of power – as much as 5 Terawatt hours (TWh) a year, around 8% of total consumption – or almost as much as Jacob Rees Mogg’s bitcoin mining operations, which obviously we can’t shut down…haha..,” he said explaining that temporarily shutting down access on a regional basis would help offset the need for wider power cuts.

“People just don’t realise how power hungry the Internet is, and how much of the content is just snide and arguably treasonous criticism of her majesty’s government,” he cautioned, explaining that  shutting off a single satirical article shared on Facebook could light a city like Sunderland for a whole hour.

“Not that it would help them see any more clearly,” he sniggered.

However he confirmed that the government is aware of the possible downside to cutting of net access, namely what occurred in the early 1970s when the  then Conservative government responded to coal and power workers’ strikes by shutting off all television channels at 10.30pm to save power.

“Yes we are aware that listening to the radio became the second most popular replacement for watching TV, with inevitable consequences for the birth rate,” he confirmed.

“Not worry though, that won’t be a problem once we’ve closed all the remaining maternity and ante-natal units, sent back all the foreign paediatricians and GPs, and got the infant mortality rate back to an acceptable third world level,” he smirked.

What with one thing and another you can’t move for reissues, remasters and re-recordings these days. The latest act to join this list is Chris De Burgh, whose 1983 song “Don’t Pay The Ferryman” has just had a re-recording announced.

Speaking at a press conference, Mr De Burgh made the following announcement:

“A lot of artists have re-recorded their old hits in the last decade, but without making any fundamental changes to them, which is a bit pointless really. If you’re going to re-record a song, make it different enough that the listeners will see a point in parting with their hard-earned cash. So I’m doing an acoustic version of this and a few others that would benefit from the different arrangement.”

The new album is entitled Christopher John Davison, his birth name, to reflect the stripped-down nature of the songs.

In response to the question of timing, he added:

“This has absolutely nothing to do with Chris Grayling awarding that ferry contract to a firm with no boats.”

It was hard to tell from where I was sitting, but it looked like his eyes were sparkling with laughter as he said that. Certainly he was having trouble keeping a straight face. He also added that the acoustic nature of the re-recordings was not a protest against austerity and people being unable to pay their electricity bills.

The compilation also features a re-recording of his best known hit, “Lady In Red” but changed to “Lady In Blue” and with several lyrical changes. The first line in the new version is “never seen you talking so evil as you do tonight”.

Mr De Burgh has denied that this is a dig at Theresa May, although again his face was struggling against a guffaw.

Christopher John Davison is due to be released in the shops this week.

UK bakery-to-fast-food chain Greggs announced Thursday that it plans to launch a new range of Brexit-free gammon products.

Coming only days after the launch of Gregg’s first “vegan sausage roll”, the new range represents a further step in the chain’s attempts to attract bigger spending  clientele.

A spokesman for Greggs confirmed that the new Brexit-free, lean and fat free, Gammon, was being sourced from specially bred Danish pigs, reared in a rigorously humane environment on a diet of fois gras, pumpernickel and sangria, to full EU standard, completely free of all dangerous hormones and chemical additives .

“We realise this may not appeal to those that are our grossly overweight, intellectually challenged, puce-complexioned and are often found in the BBCQT audience, but they have nothing to fear as we will still be shovelling out truck loads of the usual high fat, low fibre, hormone loaded crap to keep them happy as inhumanely reared pigs in sh*t,” he explained.

However the move has already drawn criticism from right wing commentators.

Seven times unelected MP and UKIP founder Nigel Farage denounced the move as yet another attempt by the establishment to undermine Brexit.

“This is typical pork-barrel-politics, aimed at keeping our mid morning snacks in the EU against the will of the people,” he spat, red faced and fuming.

While crimson-cheeked, blustering breakfast TV host Piers “Just-as-he-appears” Morgan, devoted a whole 15 minute phone-in segment on “Good Morning Britain” to asking the single “caps-locked” question:

“AFTER THE UK VOTED OVERWHELMINGLY TO LEAVE THE EU, WHO THE HELL WANTS BREXIT-FREE GAMMON?”.

A question which was answered in some detail by callers who phoned in to point out that actually only 27% of the British population voted for Brexit, suggesting a potential market of 73% of the population, or 48 MILLION people.

To which serial innumerate Morgan responded with typical civility:  “You’re unbelievably stupid people aren’t you?”

However industry analysts point out that in the wake of the post Brexit economic collapse, sales of traditional low end fast food are likely to fall sharply, and broadening its appeal may help save Greggs’ from a soggy bottom line.

“Greggs has identified a high end market that is prepared to pay over the odds for a “bit of rough”, but currently avoids the chain like you would a smelly old tramp, begging for coins,” explained Tarquin Parsnip-Sauce, food and beverage analyst at Overpriced-Waterworks-Minicoopers.

“All in all it bodes well for their plan to take the entire chain vegetarian in time for the government’s planned post Brexit economic union with North Korea, and mass starvation,” he chirped.

Transport supremo (with pineapple) Chris Grayling MP has been branded a member of “an out of touch elite” after paying fourteen million pounds for a pizza.

”He’s no concept of the cost of living for ordinary people,” slammed multi-millionaire Magic Grandpa MP (Tory-Labour Alliance MP for Brexit), whose net worth is estimated to be over three million pounds (that’s what a google search reckons).

”To be frank with you, I am so upset by this I won’t be able to comment further,” Mr Grandpa sobbed, “as if I didn’t have enough to deal with being all torn up over the disgraceful treatment of EU27 folk by the government. Imagine moving to a country legally, trusting to the offer made, establishing a life, often marrying a local and having children, investing years in the U.K. only to find your rights arbitrarily torn up by a far right coup and your future incredibly uncertain? I tell you what. Sorry. I can’t go on. I’m too upset. I’ll make a statement on twitter about it later. I promise.”

But Grayling has defended the purchase of the pizza.

”What with the rising cost of living, it’s a bargain,” he told LCD Views’ ship’s mess correspondent, “and it’s a perfectly reputable pizza firm operating between Ramsgate and Osteende. I read on their website that it would be best to pre-order to avoid disappointing chancers, spivs and other friends of the current government, so I did, after rigorous consideration of how feasible the pizza purchase will look on my parliamentary expense account.”

LCD Views wholeheartedly joins the condemnation of the failing Secretary of State for Transport.

”He should have only paid no more than £2.5m and purchased the pizza from a state owned pizza manufacturer,” The Tory-Labour Alliance MP managed to add, and just so too, even if the range of toppings may have been more limited.

Transport secretary Chris “failing” Grayling has announced that he has cancelled the £13.8m Brexit ferry contract he awarded to ‘johnny-no-ships’ ferryboat company “SEABORNE FREIGHT”,  and has instead awarded the contract to a ” highly experienced operator” – BRIAN FERRY. 

“Brian has been in the business with ROCK SEA MUSIC for nearly five decades and MORE THAN THIS has the experience to prevent urgent cargoes being STRANDED without being tarred as merely part of the SAME OLD sea transport SCENE,” cooed Grayling.

Grayling had a hard time explaining why he awarded such a large contract to a “paper company” with no ships, no docking agreements and no actual ferry operating experience, whose owners are widely rumoured to have connections to the conservative party but initially defended the move.

“OH YEAH, welI don’t see any problem with supporting a new British business, THIS IS TOMORROW, and Brian has THE RIGHT STUFF” he said.

However the awarding of a new contract to Brian Ferry is unlikely to end the controversy and has already sparked allegations of nepotistic, nominative determinism. 

Despite his nautical nomenclature, Ferry is a self proclaimed “conservative” and long time supporter of the “Countryside Alliance“, an organisation dedicated to dressing up in silly clothes and the ritual slaughter small to medium sized wild animals.

“This is a SIGN OF THE TIMES, the motto of these TRASH is ‘LET’S STICK TOGETHER‘,” complained a spokesman for the Hunt Saboteurs.

In a written statement, Ferry welcomed the awarding of the new contract and declared that he was WINDSWEPT by THE THRILL OF IT ALL but denied that his new cross channel cargo contract would be used for tobacco smuggling.

“Well ok, maybe just the odd packet of VIRGINIA PLAIN.” he admitted.