Category: Governing the people

Cabinet minister Chris Grayling is under fire today after being caught red handed renting out the empty space inside his head.

When questioned by reporters over the additional income, which has so far not being declared to parliament as required by the rules, a spokesmen for the transport supremo defended the actions of his boss:

“Chris isn’t using the space, why shouldn’t he make a little extra income to beef up his frankly paltry pay as a minster of state,” Mr Bullet Magnet told LCD Views, “he’s actually helping alleviate the housing crisis in London, which is severe, especially in Westminster, where the space is being rented from.”

But this defence failed to satisfy after it was revealed the tenants in the MP’s head were not residential but commercial.

“So? I wasn’t aware when I addressed the matter earlier, but given the bargain price Mr Grayling is asking, I think it only right and proper that we applaud him for supporting a start up British business.”

But even that didn’t wash after it was revealed the start up itself was using taxpayer money to pay for the long lease inside the Transport Secretary’s head.

“Well if he had just paid himself directly you’d say he was corrupt!” Mr Magnet scoffed, “it’s getting so an MP can’t do anything normal without receiving a public handbagging.”

The discovery of the space inside Mr Grayling’s head being put up for rent has increased pressure on the prime minister to sack him, after a string of low profile screw ups that make Mr Magoo appear to be eagle eyed in comparison.

“No chance,” Mr Magnet replied, “The prime minister has a perfectly sensible policy of surrounding herself with complete and utter imbeciles in order to make herself look good.”

But given they refuse to turf her out of her job, until she has completed the task of Brexit and thus willingly becoming one of the biggest fall guys ever in British history, you have to wonder who is actually smarter.

“Not so silly after all, hey,” Mr Magnet winked, before rushing off to organise the shipping news for broadcast to a firm specialising in takeaway food deliveries.

A “top secret” government working group is conducting an assessment on the viability of “temporary Internet shutdowns” to offset anticipated power shortages after the UK leaves the European Union on March 29th.

Speaking to LCD views on condition of anonymity, a senior Whitehall source confirmed that a special working group code-named “Dept Against Reactionary Communication”, or DARC for short, is conducting stress tests on vital infrastructure and services to confirm whether they will continue working in the event of enforced Internet cuts.

“The Internet uses an enormous amount of power – as much as 5 Terawatt hours (TWh) a year, around 8% of total consumption – or almost as much as Jacob Rees Mogg’s bitcoin mining operations, which obviously we can’t shut down…haha..,” he said explaining that temporarily shutting down access on a regional basis would help offset the need for wider power cuts.

“People just don’t realise how power hungry the Internet is, and how much of the content is just snide and arguably treasonous criticism of her majesty’s government,” he cautioned, explaining that  shutting off a single satirical article shared on Facebook could light a city like Sunderland for a whole hour.

“Not that it would help them see any more clearly,” he sniggered.

However he confirmed that the government is aware of the possible downside to cutting of net access, namely what occurred in the early 1970s when the  then Conservative government responded to coal and power workers’ strikes by shutting off all television channels at 10.30pm to save power.

“Yes we are aware that listening to the radio became the second most popular replacement for watching TV, with inevitable consequences for the birth rate,” he confirmed.

“Not worry though, that won’t be a problem once we’ve closed all the remaining maternity and ante-natal units, sent back all the foreign paediatricians and GPs, and got the infant mortality rate back to an acceptable third world level,” he smirked.

What with one thing and another you can’t move for reissues, remasters and re-recordings these days. The latest act to join this list is Chris De Burgh, whose 1983 song “Don’t Pay The Ferryman” has just had a re-recording announced.

Speaking at a press conference, Mr De Burgh made the following announcement:

“A lot of artists have re-recorded their old hits in the last decade, but without making any fundamental changes to them, which is a bit pointless really. If you’re going to re-record a song, make it different enough that the listeners will see a point in parting with their hard-earned cash. So I’m doing an acoustic version of this and a few others that would benefit from the different arrangement.”

The new album is entitled Christopher John Davison, his birth name, to reflect the stripped-down nature of the songs.

In response to the question of timing, he added:

“This has absolutely nothing to do with Chris Grayling awarding that ferry contract to a firm with no boats.”

It was hard to tell from where I was sitting, but it looked like his eyes were sparkling with laughter as he said that. Certainly he was having trouble keeping a straight face. He also added that the acoustic nature of the re-recordings was not a protest against austerity and people being unable to pay their electricity bills.

The compilation also features a re-recording of his best known hit, “Lady In Red” but changed to “Lady In Blue” and with several lyrical changes. The first line in the new version is “never seen you talking so evil as you do tonight”.

Mr De Burgh has denied that this is a dig at Theresa May, although again his face was struggling against a guffaw.

Christopher John Davison is due to be released in the shops this week.

UK bakery-to-fast-food chain Greggs announced Thursday that it plans to launch a new range of Brexit-free gammon products.

Coming only days after the launch of Gregg’s first “vegan sausage roll”, the new range represents a further step in the chain’s attempts to attract bigger spending  clientele.

A spokesman for Greggs confirmed that the new Brexit-free, lean and fat free, Gammon, was being sourced from specially bred Danish pigs, reared in a rigorously humane environment on a diet of fois gras, pumpernickel and sangria, to full EU standard, completely free of all dangerous hormones and chemical additives .

“We realise this may not appeal to those that are our grossly overweight, intellectually challenged, puce-complexioned and are often found in the BBCQT audience, but they have nothing to fear as we will still be shovelling out truck loads of the usual high fat, low fibre, hormone loaded crap to keep them happy as inhumanely reared pigs in sh*t,” he explained.

However the move has already drawn criticism from right wing commentators.

Seven times unelected MP and UKIP founder Nigel Farage denounced the move as yet another attempt by the establishment to undermine Brexit.

“This is typical pork-barrel-politics, aimed at keeping our mid morning snacks in the EU against the will of the people,” he spat, red faced and fuming.

While crimson-cheeked, blustering breakfast TV host Piers “Just-as-he-appears” Morgan, devoted a whole 15 minute phone-in segment on “Good Morning Britain” to asking the single “caps-locked” question:

“AFTER THE UK VOTED OVERWHELMINGLY TO LEAVE THE EU, WHO THE HELL WANTS BREXIT-FREE GAMMON?”.

A question which was answered in some detail by callers who phoned in to point out that actually only 27% of the British population voted for Brexit, suggesting a potential market of 73% of the population, or 48 MILLION people.

To which serial innumerate Morgan responded with typical civility:  “You’re unbelievably stupid people aren’t you?”

However industry analysts point out that in the wake of the post Brexit economic collapse, sales of traditional low end fast food are likely to fall sharply, and broadening its appeal may help save Greggs’ from a soggy bottom line.

“Greggs has identified a high end market that is prepared to pay over the odds for a “bit of rough”, but currently avoids the chain like you would a smelly old tramp, begging for coins,” explained Tarquin Parsnip-Sauce, food and beverage analyst at Overpriced-Waterworks-Minicoopers.

“All in all it bodes well for their plan to take the entire chain vegetarian in time for the government’s planned post Brexit economic union with North Korea, and mass starvation,” he chirped.

Transport supremo (with pineapple) Chris Grayling MP has been branded a member of “an out of touch elite” after paying fourteen million pounds for a pizza.

”He’s no concept of the cost of living for ordinary people,” slammed multi-millionaire Magic Grandpa MP (Tory-Labour Alliance MP for Brexit), whose net worth is estimated to be over three million pounds (that’s what a google search reckons).

”To be frank with you, I am so upset by this I won’t be able to comment further,” Mr Grandpa sobbed, “as if I didn’t have enough to deal with being all torn up over the disgraceful treatment of EU27 folk by the government. Imagine moving to a country legally, trusting to the offer made, establishing a life, often marrying a local and having children, investing years in the U.K. only to find your rights arbitrarily torn up by a far right coup and your future incredibly uncertain? I tell you what. Sorry. I can’t go on. I’m too upset. I’ll make a statement on twitter about it later. I promise.”

But Grayling has defended the purchase of the pizza.

”What with the rising cost of living, it’s a bargain,” he told LCD Views’ ship’s mess correspondent, “and it’s a perfectly reputable pizza firm operating between Ramsgate and Osteende. I read on their website that it would be best to pre-order to avoid disappointing chancers, spivs and other friends of the current government, so I did, after rigorous consideration of how feasible the pizza purchase will look on my parliamentary expense account.”

LCD Views wholeheartedly joins the condemnation of the failing Secretary of State for Transport.

”He should have only paid no more than £2.5m and purchased the pizza from a state owned pizza manufacturer,” The Tory-Labour Alliance MP managed to add, and just so too, even if the range of toppings may have been more limited.

Transport secretary Chris “failing” Grayling has announced that he has cancelled the £13.8m Brexit ferry contract he awarded to ‘johnny-no-ships’ ferryboat company “SEABORNE FREIGHT”,  and has instead awarded the contract to a ” highly experienced operator” – BRIAN FERRY. 

“Brian has been in the business with ROCK SEA MUSIC for nearly five decades and MORE THAN THIS has the experience to prevent urgent cargoes being STRANDED without being tarred as merely part of the SAME OLD sea transport SCENE,” cooed Grayling.

Grayling had a hard time explaining why he awarded such a large contract to a “paper company” with no ships, no docking agreements and no actual ferry operating experience, whose owners are widely rumoured to have connections to the conservative party but initially defended the move.

“OH YEAH, welI don’t see any problem with supporting a new British business, THIS IS TOMORROW, and Brian has THE RIGHT STUFF” he said.

However the awarding of a new contract to Brian Ferry is unlikely to end the controversy and has already sparked allegations of nepotistic, nominative determinism. 

Despite his nautical nomenclature, Ferry is a self proclaimed “conservative” and long time supporter of the “Countryside Alliance“, an organisation dedicated to dressing up in silly clothes and the ritual slaughter small to medium sized wild animals.

“This is a SIGN OF THE TIMES, the motto of these TRASH is ‘LET’S STICK TOGETHER‘,” complained a spokesman for the Hunt Saboteurs.

In a written statement, Ferry welcomed the awarding of the new contract and declared that he was WINDSWEPT by THE THRILL OF IT ALL but denied that his new cross channel cargo contract would be used for tobacco smuggling.

“Well ok, maybe just the odd packet of VIRGINIA PLAIN.” he admitted.

 

Transport chiefs, having been urged to just get on with it, have announced that the third runway at Heathrow is to be built by a small girl. The extensive tendering process was bypassed in favour of the old boys’ network.

It turns out that the successful candidate, Ellie Copter, is the daughter of a prominent Tory donor. Ellie herself was happy with the news, but preferred to carry on building Lego unicorns. She then made them fight to the death.

Ellie’s parents have been paid a huge fee for her services. This will be wisely invested on cars, homes and holidays, and of course more Lego for Ellie.

Meanwhile, the couple next door, Mr and Mrs Eyre, were fuming. They donate even more to the Tories, and were angry that their son, Ryan, was overlooked. Ryan Eyre tried to go into partnership with Ellie Copter, but the deal collapsed when she refused to share her Lego and he had a meltdown.

“I think it’s a good idea to encourage young entrepreneurs,” garbled Chris Grayling to the BBC’s yes man. “You learn by doing, I have been told, although I cannot vouch for that myself. Michael Gove told me, after too much port at the cabinet Christmas bash, that I was incapable of either. He’s such a laugh!”

Whether Gove was right or correct remains to be seen, but the prospect of a major construction project being run by a six year old child caused consternation in the City. The pound dropped sharply, although many investors were quick to put money into Haribo.

Ellie’s initial design includes crazy paving in primary colours, a couple of dinosaurs, and a house for her unicorns. Grayling described it as “Just the sort of thing I had in mind”.

Construction is expected to begin as soon as Ellie makes friends with Ryan again.

BBC flag ‘ferry’ ship government PR outfit Radio 4 used its award winning early morning propaganda broadcast ‘Today’ today to do the government a favour and sensibly explain today’s steep rail fare hike.

”It’s not a hike, as it’s more of a mad dash to change platforms before you miss the alternative rail service after the one you were waiting for was first delayed and then cancelled,” transport minister, A Fooken-Spoon MP, explained,

“the hike is what you do after that service is also cancelled and you then decide to walk home. It’s really a keep fit regime, a public health service, for which the government should be applauded, not lambasted.”

The radio 4 anchor, chain less and sinking into the depths unstoppably, helpfully replied, “there’ll be no lambasting here Minister, no matter how disingenuous and fanciful your replies.”

Thereafter followed several minutes of piano music while the two chaps rubbed the souls of their feet together in the classic Bokonon ritual.

No enemies here, only friends who understand one another and work harmoniously together.

”But, for those listeners who maybe a little slow on the uptake,” the government placeman demanded softly, “how do you explain the 3.1% fare increase? Even though, in comparison to 100%, 3.1% is actually very small beer.”

”All those cancelled train messages don’t pay for themselves you know,” A Fooken-Spoon answered, “private rail companies in the U.K. are now the largest employees of voiceover actors. And I for one am not going to sit here and be criticised for supporting the arts in this country.”

Very good Minister.

”Oh, and have you seen how much a rail replacement bus service costs? Almost as much as a train! Now be a good chap and explain how lucky commuters are that the rail fare rises are never cancelled and are always on time.”

Cripes,  the new year is upon us, and the jolly jape that is Brexit is still going! How long before House Mistress May realises, and gives us all six of the best? The thought keeps me up at night, and I don’t mean awake. OK, crystal ball out. Here goes!

January: Theresa May will refuse the vote on her “deal” again. Jeremy Corbyn will threaten to actually do something. Again. Nothing will happen. Again. I will initiate as many interns as possible.

February: Michael Gove will reaffirm his support for Theresa May in a bare-faced leadership bid. I will receive hundreds of Valentine’s cards and spend most of the month covering fillies.

March: Lemmings will gather on every cliff edge in Britain. May’s “deal” will be approved at 10.59pm on the 29th. Lemmings will go home disappointed.

April: Hundreds of disgruntled people will gather outside parliament to protest. They will not be Brexiters or Remainers, but Londoners on a day trip to Clacton whose coach broke down in Westminster.

May: Footballers playing for European teams will domicile themselves in Clacton to avoid paying tax. The Eurostar will be chartered to take them back to Paris or wherever so they can pretend to be hurt like great big pansies. Rugger is still the real men’s sport.

June: Jacob Rees-Mogg will blame the EU for the incessant rain. Michael Fish will be dragged out of retirement to forecast sunshine. At Lord’s, rain may stop play, but I will bowl many a maiden over. Howzat?

July: Thousands will realise that their holiday in Spain is beyond their means, and that it will take six months to get a visa. Should have bought a premium blue Boris passport! There will be 16 miles of queueing coaches on the approaches to Clacton.

August: The newspapers will try to convince you that half a day of sunshine constitutes a heatwave. Clacton will run out of ice-cream. I will be at the Cambridge Shakespeare Festival squiring serving wenches.

September: Schoolchildren will be obliged to do compulsory fruit-picking instead of homework.

October: Food and fuel shortages will be in full swing. The three day week will be reintroduced, meaning October will last for ten weeks instead of the usual four.

November: As the nights draw in, people will be advised to share beds to keep warm. I will do my bit by sharing my bed with anyone female, young, nubile and daft enough to take me up on my offer.

December: I will get into the Christmas spirit by dressing in red and coming up as many chimneys as possible. As my dusky chums say, ho ho ho! By this time, EberTreeza Scrooge will probably go cap in hand to the EU and beg for re-entry. I will beg for re-entry with every ho ho ho! And then look forward to a damn good thrashing.

My warmest confibulations to you all.

As 2018 draws to a close, 2019 is looking on anxiously. There is trouble on the horizon, and 2019 does not want to take responsibility. We are looking at a no-deal new year.

2019 is getting no support for its decision to quit. 2018 has done its job and taken more than its share of flak, and 2020 refuses to step forward and take the bullet for 2019.

The crisis has forced Home Secretary Sajid Javid to cut short his holiday. Javid, who would be tearing his hair out if he had any, was unable to sort out the problem. He was, unfortunately, detained by immigration officials because he looked a bit foreign.

LCD Views’ No Time Like The Present correspondent managed to speak with the embattled epoch.

“Every year wants to be important,” sulked 2019. “Just ask 1066, or 1215, or even 1789. What have I got to look forward to? The UK and the USA disappearing up their own backsides. I’m not having it!”

Bad things have to happen sometimes, we suggested.

“Yeah, but it’s not fair, is it?” wailed 2019. “I want to be the year cancer was cured, or that man walked on Mars. Not the year the West destroyed itself voluntarily.”

But there will be complete chaos if there is a no deal new year next year.

“You managed before years were invented,” sneered 2019. “I’m sure you can manage again. It will be a managed no deal new year.”

Look, will you stop acting so entitled and just do your job please?

“No, I’m going back to bed,” said 2019. “Call the new year 2018b or something, I really don’t give a monkey’s. And Auld Lang Syne is a tedious dirge and I hate it!”

There may be trouble ahead. But while there’s music and moonlight and love and romance, let’s enjoy ourselves as much as possible before 29 March 2018b.