Category: Governing the people

COMETH THE HOUR : The United Kingdom’s greatest living, former Prime Minister, David Cameron, is reportedly “sick to the back teeth” with the mess his successors are making of the robust, fiscally stable and socially coherent country he voluntarily left in their keeping.

“Dave is furious,” an insider in the Shepherd’s Hut Shed told LCD Views.

“You recall when he left office to buy a garden shed that cost the average, annual salary? You remember back then? 2016. Late 2016 when he was photographed on the steps of the shed as part of a rebrand? When he was moving on in life as a lobbyist for Greensill or something. Some green outfit anyway. All above board. Perfectly natural next move for a man without a blemish to his name. The country was united and buzzing with potential.”

It was certainly a golden era. Brexit was there as Mr Cameron’s legacy. To be made into anything the right and left ends of the horseshoe wanted.

“Now look at it! It’s like someone took Miliband, Corbyn, Starmer, the other Miliband and Mao and put them in a blender and poured the genetic smoothie out into a human mould, baked it at 180 until the top was crunchy and made the resulting mess PM! The policy platform is insane. Somebody has to restore the Conservative Party’s reputation for sound, fiscal management. You know, like with austerity, so the working poor paid for the mistakes of the bankers.”

It seems Dave “boy wonder” Cameron believes he is the man to do it.

“The problem with Trussonomics is that it rips the mask off. It unveils the face of death. You’re not supposed to state the Conservative Party is solely now the preserve of kleptofascists. The right wing press has spent years conditioning people whose opinions are valued by business, and for what? Just for an honest statement of our real economics to ruin it all?”

The source is clearly disgusted.

“You’re supposed to achieve the aim by incremental policy changes sold to the public by useful idiots and paid stooges in the media. Not just say we’re eating your fucking kidneys for breakfast and we’ll be back for your lungs for lunch. It’s madness! Accusing people on welfare benefits of being curtain twitchers and scroungers. That’s how you do it. Dave will sort it out.”

Vote for Dave.

TYRANTS GONNA TYRANT : THE UK’S NEXT WORST PRIME MINISTER, Liz Truss, has taken aim squarely at the WOKE MOB that have infested the Tory Party under wet blanket, bleeding heart, soft touch Boris Johnson.

In a major speech last night to the “Amateur Abattoir and Taxidermy Society” she vowed to be “a wrecking ball through the last vestiges of upward mobility” left after twelve years of strong and stable Conservative governments.

“You see them out there riddling the wood of our great oak,” she told a crowd of roaring, blood stained geriatric men, “with their flat screen TV’s and their mobile phones laughing at all your hard work. Well it stops the moment I take the throne! I will smash the TV’s of the poor! I will put all their iphones into a bag and hurl the bag into the mighty Thames! To the workhouse for them! The workhouse!”

During the speech, described by one present as “so erotic I had a vision of Margaret Thatcher midway through dressed as a French maid and passed out due to lack of oxygen” the UK’s next PM said she would stop “at nothing to make sure the poor know their place!”. To underscore this she added “I wasn’t raised up not to fall like a hammer on the anvil of equality and sunder it to pieces.”

How Mr Sunak will counter the latest appeal to the worst inhumanity in the governing party is not yet clear, but it is believed he will use the tax system and claim that “he never believed anyone earning over £80K a year should pay a penny in tax” and he’ll set that right if they “just agree to love me.”

Ms Truss is not expected to worry too much about any late running from her challenger.

“Once she told the old chaps that decide who is PM that she’ll take levelling up and shove it where the sun don’t shine she had the leadership in the bag. All she has to do now is declare war on the Argies and it’s into 10 Downing Street with a donor’s budget to redecorate and the weeping of the poor music to the ears of the Tory Party. The concept of accident of birth was killed under Cameron and Osborne. Liz will dance on its grave.”

RIP IT UP AND START AGAIN: Freedom from the rules and order of the EU has given the UK a fantastic opportunity, declares Boris Johnson. We can raise standards even higher by ripping up the ministerial code. 

This Brexit Opportunity is so glaringly obvious, that even the Brexit Opportunities Minister, Jacob Rees-Mogg, didn’t spot it. 

It’s not even the first time this method has been used. The only reason that we can’t hear the sound of all our laws being torn to pieces is that the noise from the non-stop Downing Street party drowns it out. 

In fact, the only thing in Westminster being shredded faster than evidence of Boris Johnson’s misdemeanours is what’s left of the UK’s reputation. 

“We are levelling up standards!” blurted the PM, brandishing an empty wine glass. “Captain Boring Old Rules, you know, what’s his name, that lawyer chappie, yes, no, yes, Sir Fire Starter, twisted fire starter, he would have us shackled to common decency for ever!” 

He burped loudly. “Jeeves! I need a top-up!” He waggled the wine glass impatiently while a flunky tried to refill it. “I’m at work, you know. Hurry up!” 

He drained the glass and Jeeves automatically refilled it. “That’s better. Now go!” he bawled. “Veni, vidi, vino, that’s my blotto motto. Wiff waff. Every day’s a Friday!” 

He waved a crumpled bit of wine-stained paper in the air, like a drunken parody of Neville Chamberlain. “I have here in my hand an assurance from the Standards Committee that they won’t complain that they weren’t invited to the party – I mean the work event, obviously. The new code *belch* will stop the interfering nosy busybodies from investigating me at every turn, so, erm, so what? So sorry, I’ve lost my thread, like Ariadne, now she was a fine filly, phwoarrr, let’s get on the job! I mean, let’s get on WITH the job!”

He stumbled offstage, and the party continued backstage. 

AS MUCH GOLD AS YOU CAN EAT : Poor people across the United Kingdom are said to be in a celebratory mood today after the government ordered the Royal Mint to issue edible coinage.

Edible coins are of course no novelty as they occur naturally in a seasonal way each December, but to see their sudden appearance in spring is expected to cause raucous celebrations amongst the workshy and cut a swathe through the burgeoning lines at food banks.

“It looks like Tory spokesman Lee Anderson was bang on for the money,” a layabout welfare scrounger told LCD Views, “excuse me, I’ve got to get to my third zero hours contract job.”

And in a savage retort to the criticisms that it’s not only the cost of purchasing the ingredients, it’s the cooking fuel and equipment that cost too, the coins come pre-cooked with a shelf life significantly longer than any fresh fruit or veg (since Brexit got done).

It is hoped the edible coins will end the tiresome debate over the rising cost of living which is said to have already “bored the PM into a torpor”.

The coins themselves will cost only the face value they are minted with.

“This means that there are real savings to be had now with the weekly grocery bill,” a 10 Downing Street economic whiz told us. “By this time next week the 20p coin will be worth 10p which will make them even cheaper on the second hand market.”

But there is one fly in the ointment, as the first editions have been inadvertently minted in Euro’s and not pence.

“That’s a teething problem,” the spokesman clarified. “Due to mysterious supply chain issues the raw ingredients to make them are currently in short supply in the UK so we’ve contracted the minting to a Dutch-French-German-Slovenian firm.”

Later editions are expected to come in Sterling but until then you can be reassured that “while stuck in a rest of the world queue at a Spanish airport you can at least eat the coins in your pocket.”

THE ASYLUM HAS TAKEN OVER THE LUNATICS: With his unpopularity at an all time high, Boris Johnson is on the lookout for an exit strategy. A good one. One that allows him to leave his disastrous term as Prime Minister behind, without the ignominy of resigning. 

The war in Ukraine, triggered right on cue by his psycho pal Putin, offered him an opportunity. The world’s spotlight is on Eastern Europe, conveniently close to Russia, and far enough away so that only the most sycophantic media can be bothered with him. 

Here, a simple walkabout in the deserted streets of Kyiv with today’s hero Volodymyr Zelensky, was just what Johnson was looking for. Publicity shots over, media bootlickers safely barricaded in their hotel rooms getting wasted on bootleg vodka, here was his big chance. 

Nobody knows exactly what passed between the two men in the presidential bunker. Certainly not Johnson, whose memory and mouth are in no way connected. Zelensky was not revealing anything, either, although his stony demeanour indicated something extremely unpleasant. 

Most reliable reports, or at least, the least unreliable ones, suggest that Johnson intended to claim asylum in Ukraine. And Zelensky, who wished Johnson a million miles away, was unable to refuse. 

Johnson will be able to hide in a whole country, instead of the traditional walk-in fridge. From this safe vantage point he will be able to watch the UK crash and burn, without being there when it happens. His loyal army of social media bots (paid for by Putin) will be able to assert that this only happened because of Johnson’s absence. 

In a sense this might be true. The crashing and burning would happen much faster with Johnson in charge. 

And when the whole sorry business is over, he can call Uncle Vlad to rescue him, his work done. 

And then Putin can send him to the gulags. 

SEEING IS BELIEVING : 10 DOWNING STREET have released the details of a long awaited public inquiry into the impact of Prime Minister Boris Johnson on standards of living in the United Kingdom, and it makes for comforting reading for the PM.

“There have been some murmurings from traitors in recent weeks that it’s Mr Johnson’s fault that everything is going to hell in a handcart,” a 10 Downing Street spokesman said, as he revealed the single A4 sheet of paper comprising the report into living standards.

“After an exhaustive wine and cheese event, during which living standards were discussed, we can reassure everyone that nothing is the fault of Boris. And all that Russian cash in Tory coffers has had no impact on decision making for over a decade. Also the decision to scale back green incentives some years back left us well placed to ramp them up in the current crisis.”

It is hoped the findings will help put paid to suggestions that the PM is terrible at governance, couldn’t really give a toss about your lives and surrounds himself with yes people who are more interested in wasting your money on professional photographers for social media postings then actually working out how to stop everything from the cost of living to plagues ruining your lives.

“Mr Johnson is deeply, deeply committed to the wellbeing of all of his subjects,” the spokesman affirmed. “Just look at how the stars aligned for that woman who was held prisoner for years in Iran. What was her name? Anyway, the details aren’t important. The moment we needed Iranian gas and oil she was free! See how the stars align under Boris!”

To celebrate the findings 10 Downing Street is planning a billboard campaign called “It’s a lovely day tomorrow”, which will place prominent images of happy, smiling people above the queues for food banks.

“The ruinous rise in heating costs is another example of the magic of the PM,” the spokesman added. “If you’re in the energy sector and wholesale prices are 1/3 of your costs you get to multiply those costs by the hundreds of percent and completely drain away the last financial reserves of the public. But the media will help you look elsewhere. In this way Mr Johnson can enjoy his champagne while sat on his gold toilet.”

As to what is causing everything to deteriorate, now that we know it isn’t the lies and incompetence of the government, the spokesman has some reassurance.

“It’s a complete mystery, but we suspect it’s the fault of the last Labour government.”

OVER BEFORE IT STARTED : Prime Minister Boris Johnson is reported to be suffering a serious low after only just being as high as a kite on his own genius.

The cause of the moodiness is rumoured to be the sudden awareness that he is unlikely to come up with a better dead cat to distract “the left” than knighting Tony Blair.

“The PM only really has a few things that give him a reason to get out of bed in the morning,” a worried 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Shagging is clearly top of the list. The whole country if possible, weekly. Drinking. That goes without saying. And winding up the left to distract from all the horrible stuff he does each day.”

While the honours system is now so debased that anyone pausing a moment could be forgiven for thinking a Johnson gong is actually a negative, making the gristly old T-Bone a Sir has done a wonderful job of taking many an opposition activist’s eye off the ball.

“This will blow over of course and the rampant and potentially criminal mishandling of the pandemic will come back into focus,” the source frets. “And a new dead cat will be required. Most of the ghastly stuff we do is wrongly called a dead cat, but Tony is a special one. But where to turn now? When you’re demolishing all standards of representative democracy you need to keep the people frothing and looking anywhere but at whatever Patel is doing.”

It’s thought there is some potential gain though in doubling down on Blair.

“We may make him Lord Islington,” the source grins. “That will keep the Labour activists scratching each other’s eyes out for a bit while we sell the NHS lock, stock and barrel to the US.”

IS IT SECRET IS IT SAFE : Everyone in the UK can calm down now and stop worrying over Prime Minister Boris Johnson’s seasonal party plans in his endless pandemic with the announcement that he has appointed a Clandestine Christmas Party Planner.

The new position has already been filled by an anonymous figure who is said to have studied the work of Dan the Clandestine Channel Threat Commander closely to ensure they remain “completely invisible and serve no useful function at all, so far as the public are concerned”.

There is said to be a generous pay and entitlements package associated with the job with a “peerage virtually guaranteed so long as no one finds out what party games the Johnsons play this Christmas”.

The need for the British Prime Minister to conceal his rampant hypocrisy is becoming more pressing now. Once or twice ministers have been called on their egregious horseshit in television interviews and there is a concern it maybe impacting on polling. No one should be worried that the concern is public health and safety because “all that profit reducing nonsense went out the door with Brexit”.

“Rules will be broken and you will not find out about it,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Normally we break rules to show you that we have the power, but now a change in tack is called for.”

The first job of the party planner will be to conceal the arrival of mountains of champagne for the Christmas period at 10 Downing Street. After that they will have to arrange a secret ball, which may or may not see some senior police officers in attendance, along with some famous journalists.

“You’ll never know, so I wouldn’t worry about it,” the source adds. “By the way you have to stop talking about Johnson’s pandemic rule breaking 2020 Christmas parties because they’re now listed under the Official Secrets Act.”

YOUR SACRIFICES ARE NOTED : Calming news for the shattered nerves of Blighty today with the announcement by 10 Downing Street that whatever happens the Prime Minister’s Christmas party plans will remain unaltered.

“The public should be in no doubt that no catastrophe or calamity afflicting them will stand in the way of the PM getting hammered in the festive season with his close circle of friends,” a 10 Downing Street spokesman told the country. “Mr Johnson did not scheme, bully and lie his way to the top just to let tens of thousands of avoidable deaths among the plebs stop the champagne corks from popping.”

The reassurance that Mr Johnson’s Christmas is safe this year comes as the story breaks that it was also safe last year.

“As you were all making the great sacrifices required last year because Mr Johnson ignored the science and refused to lockdown in the autumn, preferring the pseudo-science, economic illiteracy of his Chancellor, Mr and Mrs Johnson were having a fantastic time with their friends in the public housing stock you pay for.”

The spokesman went on to confirm that last year’s Christmas Party at 10 Downing Street was “mask less” because they thought it unlikely to be able to source sufficient “Restoration era garb” in time for a masked ball.

“The Great British public can look forward to Christmas 2021 knowing that no new variant, no alien invasion, no thermonuclear war, no plague, fire or famine will stop the Johnson’s ripping the piss out of you in private, even as they urge you to behave in exactly the opposite way in public. Merry Christmas, those of you who have survived another year of Boris Johnson as PM.”

PICK ANY VARIANT YOU LIKE : GREAT NEWS TODAY FOR WORRIED BRITONS that the geniuses governing them will not see any appreciable impact on their own lifestyles by the changes to the rules in the tantric pandemic.

Designing the rules around the lifestyles of Tory MPs and donors has been a key plank of pandemic policy, especially when it comes to the time to discard the rules. Now from 4pm Tuesday masks will have to be worn on public transport and in the supermarket, but not anywhere fun, so that’s alright.

“This is because the crafty little virus really only targets places where poor people go,” newly promoted Tory Minister for Infections, Basil Toilet-Brush MP told LCD Views. “You know, those little crowded cans they shuffle back and forward in to the mill. Or to mill as a low value economic unit may say. Also to market. But fine dining, the pub and the sweaty private rooms of private members clubs will be immune from the inconveniences.”

The decision to give the new variant several days grace before the change in the rules has also been seen as displaying the PM’s sense of “sportsmanship” and “fair play”.

“There’s no suggestion we will need until late Tuesday to pick donors to throw lucrative contracts at,” the minister reassured.

Fears about non-compliance with the new rules have been eased too, especially in the knowledge that Tory MPs are incapable of adhering to basic rules which safeguard other people.

“There are two places Tory MPs simply do not go,” Toilet-Brush MP stated. “That’s the supermarket and on public transport. So there is no need to fear any of us being fined for non-compliance. We will be in full compliance with the law. The drones who serve us will have to fight for themselves in Tesco. Or on the tube. But that’s fine by us because we don’t care. Now. Another glass of pandemic? It’s a very good vintage this year.”