Category: Global Britain

President Nicola Sturgeon of Scotland was on the back foot today, forced to deny allegations that EU funding has been received by Holyrood, as work began on the Caledonian Canal.

The CC, as it’s been nicknamed, will stretch across the mainland of Britannia and is being built to make it easier for Irish Ferries headed for EU markets to cut England, or Brexitannia, out of shipping lines post March 2019.

”Who said anything about building a canal?” Ms Sturgeon hit back at reports she was funding the project with English money stolen by the EU, and given back to Scotland for the express purpose of building the CC.

Ms Sturgeon was speaking to reporters in the middle of a field that just happened to have the Anglo-Scottish border bisecting it.

”Even if we were to propose to build a canal to allow water from the North and Irish seas to mingle and cut Scotland physically off from the cockwombling shits down in Westminster, it certainly wouldn’t begin until after Indyref2,” she added, shovel clenched in hand.

Then shovel to the grass.

Then boot on top of shovel blade.

“Let me reiterate,” she said, pushing the shovel into the ground, “We’re not planning on building a canal to physically separate Scotland from the fucking Tories and Little Englanders and all those gullible Brexiter English nationalists who are going to drown in their own bile, mostly because they won’t have anything else to eat soon.”

The CC, official named ‘The Caledonian Canal’ in documents freely accessible on the EU Commissions website, is to stretch from just south of Berwick to just underneath Gretna.

The annexing of Berwick by the newly created Independent Scottish Republic of Scotland is not expected to cause tension with England though. We asked an expert why,

”I doubt anyone in England who doesn’t live in the northeast of England has the foggiest idea where the border is anyway,” said an expert.

But even though the Labour and Conservative Parties have seemingly missed this major development, resulting from their leadership’s support of Brexit, and the resulting attempts to out racist one another to give the voters a policy choice different to Brexit, someone has been paying attention.

”Let me correct you,” our expert added, “it’s someones. Millions of pro-EU English residents have been crowdfunding the CC well before the EU got involved.”

Work on the CC is expected to be completed by early March 2019 and refugees fleeing the hard right, fascist republic of the tax haven, Little England Brexitannia, will be welcome to cross it and settle in the Scottish Republic, bringing their skills, children, assets and internationalist mindset with them.

Trade Secretary Liam Fox announced the proposal earlier today. The solution to congestion at Dover and the resulting tailbacks is simple, he said. Just move the problem elsewhere.

“Calais was British property for thousands of years,” Fox asserted. “It was only handed back to France with the rest of the Empire relatively recently, so the EU should do the decent thing and return it to England. After all, it’s their fault we voted to leave.”

Apart from the historical inaccuracies, how does that help?

“There’s loads of space in Calais,” Fox invented wildly. “No white cliffs to get in the way of expansion. It’s the continent, not a crowded little island, and who cares anyway, it’s France! That’s another item off my to-do list.”

It won’t work. The EU will never take it seriously. I can already hear Michel Barnier laughing.

“Nonsense!” Fox barked. “It’s in everyone’s best interests. When I die you will find ‘Calais’ written on my heart.”

But it will, if it even happens, create another border problem.

“Hard border, soft border? Chinese, Japanese? What’s the difference? You need to stop talking down my excellent solutions with traitorous factmongering,” Fox concluded magnificently. “Now if you will excuse me, I have to finish five more levels on Candy Crush.”

The daffy doctor departed, leaving more questions than answers. In desperation LCD Views turned to international expert Paris Texas.

“I don’t know where to start,” she admitted. “This so-called solution creates contradiction upon contradiction. The EU won’t consider it, the hard-line Brexiteers will see it as remaining through the back door.”

The British have form with arbitrary borders, don’t they?

“Yes,” she agreed. “Some minion in Whitehall will be told to create a border. Probably the same poor chap who had to draw up Theresa May’s red lines.”

The idea, however infeasible, has taken root among government chancers. Boris Johnson has already promised to build a bridge between Dover and Calais.

Currency traders are warning of fears of a total collapse of pound sterling today if an anti-Brexit keyboard warrior doesn’t stop talking the country down on social media.

”It’s causing a run on the pound like I’ve not seen since black Wednesday, or mauve Tuesday, or whenever that was. I’m too terrified to concentrate. I haven’t yet bought my holiday money for the Costa Del Sol next week,” Mr Wise Penny, senior currency analyst at the Bank of England told LCD Views.

The sudden crash in the value of the greatest currency ever conceived since the mighty celtic peoples (of whatever Britain was called before the forerunner to the EU stumbled across it) first started swapping rings of metal for stuff, is leading to fears of a meltdown across the Eurozone.

”This is an existential threat and a real and actual threat to the Euro,” Mrs Knot Knot, Chairman of the ECB commented, “we simply can not print Euro notes fast enough to meet demand from people exchanging sterling for Euro’s.”

In an attempt to save the EU superstate’s tyrannical and undemocratic coin, the chairman has appealed directly to social media users in the U.K.

”Please, please, we beg you, stop talking the U.K. down by refusing to get behind Brexit and push on social media. Every major currency trader, hedge fund and the big six investment banks make their decisions based on what some random remainer says on Facebook and/or Twitter,

”It has nothing whatsoever to do with the U.K. currently having zero credible plans in place to deal with crashing out of the EU and eating hamsters. Only you can save the Euro and by doing so you will save the pound regardless of whatever the government of the day is, or more accurately, is not doing.”

Great news for wannabes today with the big tent announcement that Doctor Liam Fox is to write the sequel to “Art of the Deal” after successfully negotiating the EU trade deal.

”It’s just a slam dunk,” Liam’s editor, Part Curtains, of publishers Neocon, Asset Strip & Ampersand told us.

The interview was conducted miles above the Earth in the first class section of a specially chartered jet to get the authentic feel of Doctor Fox.

”If anyone asks you, how can Liam write a sequel to a book he didn’t write? You just tell them Donald didn’t write the first book either.”

And Liam likes to take the credit for other people’s work anyway?

”I couldn’t possibly comment on that. More foi gras?”

The book is expected to be completed in time for Liam’s retirement from decades of intense self service on the public purse next March.

”He doesn’t want to stop flying. He’s so addicted to it. And with the funding for the book coming from the budget of the Department for International Trade, well, it will be fit and proper for the taxpayer to foot the bill for the publicity tour.”

Any sneak previews you can give before release?

”Yes. There will be a whole chapter dedicated to pork barrelling. Another on how to deal with jet lag and several on interior design and how best to conceal confidants while travelling for work.”

I bet there’s a few tidbits on how to climb the greasy pole too?

”Friends. It’s all about having the best friends in high places. You slip down they can lift you right back up again. And guess who is writing the foreword?”

Oh! Do tell?

”BBC Radio 4 Today programme editor Sarah Sands! It’s said she does everything she can to promote Liam’s agenda.”

Any anxious nerves for Liam as he begins this next endeavour?

”None whatsoever. Success is assured with a Doctor in the house. He’s confident this will be the easiest sequel to write in history.”

LCD Views is relieved today to learn that the explanation for Boris Johnson (MP for…hopefully not much longer) having been seen wearing a white bedsheet as a hat is it’s “just Boris being Boris”.

Both the explainer and the relief were provided this morning to the nation thanks to John Humphrys, on the flagship BBC Radio 4 Today programme, just before he went on to read out his personal favourites from both Breitbart and The Daily Mail and allegedly anything else far right dark money decides promotes the tax haven agenda by way of the once trusted BBC.

“The tiki torch was because the lighting was bad,” Humphrys added, it is said off his own bat, “but it’s just as well Boris kept the torch at arm’s length, or he could have been a fire hazard. It’s almost like he’s been practising in private with a coach,”

No one would want Boris to use incorrect torch handling methods, given that Boris’ pants are a daily fire hazard anyway anytime he opens his mouth or picks up a pen to jot down his £260K a year Torygraph column.

“So it’s not racism then?” we inquired, while meeting with Mr Humphrys later to discuss the correct rate of pay for our female staff.

“Well, if anyone else had been seen wearing a pointy white hat with eyes cut into it it would clearly have been a racist statement designed to whip up bigotry to promote an ill conceived and toxic agenda of personal, political advancement by feeding of the insecurities and fears of people who need to get out more.”

But not with Boris?

“Of course not, he’s a protected species. It’s just Boris being Boris.”

It’s a relief to understand this so quickly. And we will wipe our fevered brow and move on to more pressing topics. Here we were thinking the long catalogue of Mr Johnson employing racist language might have meant Boris just being Boris was a negative thing. And even that he should have the Conservative Party whip removed by a leader now famous for decisive, moral judgement in order to protect the standards that allow a modern society to survive and thrive.

DExEU’s newest packet of mince, Dominic Raab, has announced today that the U.K. delegation will now take a photo of a cake to Brexit negotiations.

”It’s because the EU officials clearly can’t understand English,” Raab told us, “I mean what the hell is wrong with these Eurocrats?

“How do they expect us to give them a comprehensive trade deal with the exact same benefits they enjoy by having us in the EU if they haven’t hired anyone who speaks the world’s most exceptional language?”

The cake itself is yet to be chosen, with the cabinet divided over the best one to photograph.

”Gove thinks we should take a photo of an eclair,” an aide to that terrified robot with fizzing circuits, serving as prime minister, said, “but Javid thinks that is too servile and is pushing to photograph a dominant Victoria sponge. But Hammond is determined it’s a lamington, for reasons of economy, but…”

It’s thought Theresa May will call another Chequer’s away day to sort out which cake is photographed. But she has to wait for her cabinet to stop using their burgundy passports and get back from EU holiday spots first.

”What we do know is the photograph is going to be big enough for even Barnier to get with the picture,” Raab reassured, “I want to put a picture of a ticking time bomb with the cake,

“Just so they know their time is running out if they want to avoid getting splattered by the economic explosion that will be No Cake Brexit. Whatever happens, it’s their fault. And wait till you see the looks on their faces if they’re forced to wipe the cream of British industries off their lips. Total embarrassment. And totally avoidable if they will just let us keep our cake and eat it.”

English Premiership champions Manchester City will leave Manchester and move to a new home stadium in Abu Dhabi, if the government fails to agree a trade deal with the European Union, Sheikh Ratlanrol, spokesman for club owners Abu Dhabi United Group announced Thursday.

“A hard Brexit means we will be obliged to sign players from within the European Union on WTA rules,” he said explaining that this would incur import tariffs of 30% on defenders and goalkeepers, 50% on holding midfielders and over 150% on attacking midfielders, left footed wing backs and strikers.

“It’s not that we can’t pay but we’re concerned that if they are held in queues of thirty to forty days at Dover customs they will be severely out of condition by the time they reach us,” he said explaining that as yet the government had failed to address the urgent lack of fitness training facilities, dribbling dummies and moveable goalposts on the section of the M20 designated as the UK’s main customs holding pound.

City officials were quick to talk up the benefits of a move to the oil rich Gulf State.

“The players will love it – sandy beaches and sunshine for most of the year, and the fleshpots of Dubai just a short drive away,” said Sheikh Yerbouti Dontoo Legrand, chairman of club owners, Abu Dhabi United Group, pointing out that for years the club had been forced to overpay frankly mediocre players to persuade them to brave the freezing winters, nine months of pissing rain and Alderley Edge cladge parlours, which are the best that Manchester has to offer.

And he explained, neither the Premier League, the FA nor UEFA will be likely to object given the important role Sitteh, plays in generating income and all expenses paid trips to the gulf for officials of all three.

“After all they allowed Wimbledon to move to Milton Keynes, which barely qualifies as being on the same planet, so the Persian Gulf should be no problem,” he explained.

However he conceded that some fans may be disappointed by the move.

“We realise that there are some people in Manchester who follow the club and enjoy standing in the freezing cold on a Tuesday night watching the highest paid players in the world shooting Grimsby Town in a barrel in the third round of whatever they’re calling the league cup this year – after all we’re “Sitteh”, not a poxy savannah club like United, or those red bin dippers Liverpool with more fans in Norway than in Merseyside,” he explained.

In view of that the owners are planning to fly up to 2,000 “Sitteh” fans to each home game at the new purpose built “Ka’ A Linbel” stadium, in order to fill it up and give it a bit of atmosphere, although  opposition fans will have to make their own way there.

“They can shout and chant, and swear a bit and we’ll even allow the odd pointless ruck, and if that doesn’t work we’ve got some great recordings of rutting camels we can play instead – it’s not as if anyone will notice the difference,” he smiled, adding that the sole condition is that fans dress in local costume, to which end they have contracted Umbro to produce a range of dish dash, kefiyeh and chador in sky blue.

However he cautioned that there is still just time for Theresa May to do something to avoid losing the EPL champions to an oil rich former protectorate.

“She’d better hurry though, Article 50 kicks in on March 29th next year and there’ll be no Fergie Time for her to score an equaliser…” he added.

Wily old Liam Fox, acting Trade Secretary, has appealed to Japan to back whatever passes this week as Britain’s Brexit vision. Our dog-eared friend is hoping that the Japanese will apply the pressure on the EU which he is incapable of applying himself.

The Basil Brush of UK politics is threatening a no deal Brexit as a consequence of non-compliance. A threat as empty as his political capital account. Boom, boom!

Boom, bust? The UK economy is teetering on the edge of a cliff, and Japan is indifferent. Pragmatic as ever, the Japanese have signed an alternative deal with the EU, leaving Fox in a hole.

International trade expert Mae Kadeal was not optimistic. “Fox is in cloud cuckoo land,” she asserted. “For one thing, he overestimates Japan’s influence over the EU. I wouldn’t be surprised if he got them mixed up with the Chinese. As Jeremy C. Hunt says, they all look the same, don’t they?”

Kadeal also believes Fox is barking up the wrong tree. The vulpine one, she says, ought to be sniffing Donald Trump’s bottom instead, and maintaining the special relationship. Butter up, and prepare for a good shafting.

Fox, she believes, regards himself as Reynardine, the werefox. Reynardine seduces unsuspecting innocents and lures them to their doom. Japan is merely the latest damsel in disbelief.

“His technique is simple,” Kadeal disclosed. “He bounces around with those big puppy-dog eyes, then chases any stick you care to throw. He will lift his leg almost too often, but ultimately he just wants lots of love and fuss. He’s a great big sheep in wolf’s clothing.”

Making Brexit deals had out-foxed Fox. He is cunning like one of Baldrick’s plans. Brexit has put a fox in charge of the hen-house, although ironically Fox is one of the chickens.

Looks like we are all in the doghouse.

Great news for fact hungry business and first class fliers today with the announcement that Liam Fox MP has been hired as the new frequent flier feature writer by TripAdvisor.

”It’s wonderful to see Liam get his own platform in the digital world,” an aide to the business guru Fox told LCD Views, “and here I was thinking he wasn’t even up to the job of being a shoehorn for someone putting on flip flops. Shows what I know!”

While the nitty gritty of the deal between Liam and the famous website are being kept curtained, it’s no doubt it will be a profitable one with the International Business Secretary turning his famed deal making prowess to feathering his own nest.

”I suspect there will be a lot of advice on how to correctly store your air miles,” the aide beamed, “under your mattress or offshore in a dark money tax haven, a piggy bank in your bedroom or even possibly as a kickback for an arms deal? I don’t know. I’m just guessing. It’s unlikely someone who’s only been forced to reign once for misconduct in a public office would have anything but above the board advice.”

As part of a taster for the new column Liam is expected to write about his highly successful trip to Japan this week to ask the Japanese to work against their own interests by begging the EU to undermine its own interests to help out Liam and his chums asset strip the U.K.”

If Liam can convince the Japanese to self harm to help the U.K. there’s no telling what he’ll do next.

We look forward to syndicating the column in the interests of all our many readers who have attained high office and are using it to do sod all but swan about the world in a plane, sipping champagne at public expense with aero expectation of a usable outcome at the other end.

”There is no telling what Liam will do next,” the aide agreed, “he doesn’t even know. He hasn’t got a clue.”

The current Foreign Secretary, Jeremy Hunt, is to undergo an exorcism later today after confirmation of his possession by the disgraced Foreign Secretary, Boris Johnson.

”We were immediately suspicious when Boris Johnson announced he was resigning as Foreign (to the truth) Secretary,” Brexorcist Re Ality told LCD Views, “it seemed more like something the devil would do. That being a devilish trick. Pretend to resign, but actually stay in office in spirit form waiting to possess the next encumbant. This is because the Boris Johnson body is now recognised as a total laughing stock. Whereas the new form was just a laughing stock.”

But suspicions were raised soon after Jeremy Hunt begin his official duties when he failed to recognise his wife while on a taxpayer funded trip to beg the Chinese for money.

”Boris doesn’t know who his wife is,” the brexorcist said, “which is why he has a history of thinking other women are his wife and acting accordingly.”

The gaffe by Mr Hunt was an exact match to the behaviour of Boris Johnson in another way too.

”Can anyone think of an act by Boris Johnson as Foreign Secretary that didn’t embarrass the U.K.?”

No. It was one long disasterous cringe.

“Mr Hunt is determined to carry on this way because he is almost certainly posssssed by Mr Johnson.”

Are there any other signs?

”Yes. He’s gone to Europe and made an idiot of himself attempting to threaten the Germans and French. And now at Conference he’s gone full Boris.”

Anything else?

”He’s been witnessed walking like a crab.”

More?

”His weird eyes are swivelling and he keeps demanding cake. Oh, and he’s dying his hair blonde and refusing to comb it.”

Next he’ll be taking up cycling.

”Can you imagine the terror on the streets?”

So what’s to be done?

”We’re going to strap him to a bed and hit him over the head with a fat old bible flown in from the Vatican especially until Boris Johnson leaves his body in a spray of green projectile vomit.”

And what happens after?

”Then Jeremy Hunt will be our Foreign Secretary.”

And this will be better how?

”Bugger.”