A Somerset man has declared that he and his nanny will patrol the hard border to be re-established between Northern Ireland and the Republic, after he succeeds in crashing the U.K. out of the EU.
”The sun never set on the British Empire,” he declared before a packed house yesterday, “and ipso facto I want to make sure the troublesome Irish know it.”
Under the scheme, to come into force at 10pm, March 29th 2019, the man will sit in his pram and be wheeled along the highways, bi-ways, back alleys and fields that comprise the border, powered by his nanny, who still doubles as his wet nurse when the other boys are mean to him.
”I wouldn’t suggest other low born boys take on the potentially life and death task of catching paramilitary members and gun runners,” he stated, “without being prepared to personally put myself in harms way to ensure the Irish know exactly who governs them.”
But critics have been quick to point out that as no one can yet identify any benefit to come from Brexit, apart from increased power and money to inheritance millionaires such as himself, that intentionally creating a situation that ruins the GFA is the height of negligence in office, deeply inhumane and to even risk a circumstance that endangers it shows what an inhuman and reptilian shit he actually is.
”What’s so good about Friday anyway?” he smirked, before holding a microphone at just the right angle to make it seem he has a toothbrush moustache.
”I’d like to personally thank my colleagues on the front benches of both the Conservativekip and Labourkip parties for being so entirely gutless and without principles as regards Brexit,
”While both seek to politically profit off the instability in our politics, with little care for governance, cartoon fuckwit autocrats like myself get to make hay,
”I’m an imperialist. I will happily see lesser peoples’ blood spilt for my profit. But I can’t do it alone. In order to demolish the Good Friday Agreement and bring death back to Northern Ireland I need the support of Westminster. In any normal time the comments I am making today would end my career. But not now, because Britain is currently governed by racists,
“Now, if you don’t mind, nutricem meam infectum e st tegidae lac mea.”