Category: Donald Trump

Buckingham Palace has confirmed that US President Donald Trump will meet with Queen Elizabeth during his brief state visit to the UK next month but not with other members of the royal family who the palace confirmed will be “indisposed”.

A Palace spokesman declined to comment on rumours that second in line to the throne Prince William, his wife Princess Kate and their three small children Prince George (4), Princess Charlotte (3) and the new one, Prince Louis or something (two months) were being evacuated from the capital for the safety of the children.

“The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge have a long standing holiday arrangement,” he said confirming that they had originally planned to holiday in Scotland but had opted to go to Cornwall instead, for unspecified reasons and definitely not to avoid Trump who is also planning to visit his golfing resort in Aberdeenshire.

“They’ve been booked into a very nice air b n b farmhouse, complete with separate cages, I mean rooms, for each of the children,” he explained.

News of the Cambridges’ family holiday in the region of the UK furthest geographically from absolutely everywhere President Trump will visit, comes in the wake of widespread international criticism of the US government’s controversial new policy of separating the children of migrants from their parents and locking them in cages.

Long standing criticism of the British Royal family has long centred on the fact that they’re all descended from Dutch, Germans, Danes and Greeks most of whom arrived in the country as a result of dubious arranged marriages, and only adopted the surname Windsor during the first world war rather than risk unpopularity by continuing to use their real surname  Saxe-Coburg-Gotha.

A white house spokesman confirmed that president Trump had been made aware that he would be being kept well away from the Cambridges but that he wasn’t overly concerned.

“He’s got bigger fish to fry, thanks to his good friend Sir Chris blocking that law banning up-skirting and him taking delivery of a new Huawei P20 Pro,” he sniggered, pointing out that Queen Elizabeth may be 92 but she still rules.

“Let’s just say that it’s him that’ll be packing the sword, and he’s hoping she uses it to make him “a knight to remember,” he smirked.

Emperor Trumpetine has just announced his latest plan, to develop a new arm of his country’s military, a Space Force.

Speaking at a press conference, he stated that having not only a presence but dominance in space was “very important”.

The question was asked who this space force would be fighting against. Trumpetine replied straight away:

“Jedi. Evil Jedi. Bad guys who use mind control to get what they want. We can’t let these people continue. Obi-Wan Mueller is massing an army of Jedi to march against our glorious nation and take control of our minds. We can’t let that happen. We need a space force to stop him. Now. Very important we do that immedi-, uh, immedicin-, uh, right away.”

One reporter asked about the Cardassians’ occupation of neighbouring Bajor, Trumpetine replied:

“I know all about the Cardassians’ activities. I have spoken with their leader, Kim Cardassian, who tells me that their presence on Bajor is not oppressi-, uh, opposi-, uh, bad in any way. They just need a few things from that world and they’ve asked the Bajorans to provide them.”

Which doesn’t explain the concentration camps that Bajoran civilians are being sent to.

“There are no such places,” Trumpetine replied, firmly. “I don’t care what you have heard, what you have read, I have spoken to Kim, who has checked with their man on the spot, Gul Dukat, who assures him that his people are not causing any suffering to the Bajorans. Very good people, the Cardassians. They would never do such a thing. Any claims that they do can only come from Bajoran terrorist groups.”

Trump then held up a piece of paper. “This is a treaty I have signed with the Cardassians, promising the United States Space Regime will be there to put a stop to all terrorism in space.”

On hearing the name he had given to his space force, I could only wonder who had actually let it pass with those initials, but there were more important issues.

Trumpetine went on:

“The Bajorans are terrorists. The Jedi are terrorists, and there’s only one way to deal with all terrorists, exterminate them. Exterminate, exterminate, exterminate!”

As he left amid cheers from his own supporters, I rather suspected he stood in need of the services of a Doctor.

US supreme leader and president for life, Donald Trump President stormed out of the G7 heads of state meeting Saturday following news reports that the “Free Tommy Robinson” demonstration in London was better attended than his inauguration ceremony last year.

Informed of the reports by his trade secretary Peter Navarro, President Trump furiously rounded on Canadian president Justin Trudeau, accusing him of sending several divisions of Royal Canadian Mounted Police to London to boost numbers and make him look small time.

Turning to the other heads of state present Trump announced that in response he was doubling his recently announced tariffs on US imports of Canadian lumberjack shirts.

“These people are lumberjacks, and it is most definitely NOT OK,” he snarled, before refusing to endorse the joint communiqué he had signed only minutes before and swallowing the red Crayola crayon he had used to sign it with.

Efforts by German chancellor Angela Merkel to make him sick up the crayon, went unheeded and Trump was able to depart to his long awaited summit meeting with his new besty, Kim Jong Un, wearing a disturbingly crimson smirk.

Speaking to reporters after Trump’s televised flounce, Navarro confirmed that President Trump would most definitely be holding a lifelong grudge against both Trudeau, and also UK prime minister Theresa may for allowing such an enormous demonstration to go ahead without his permission.

“There is a special place in hell for da both of them…I mean, who da fuck is dis “Tommy Robinson” dude – does he own a  golf course? Did he win a US presidential election with the highest majoritiest of majorities ever? Has he got that Korean dude’s mobile number? What da fuck did Treeza think she was doing, dis here is a SPECIAL relationship, ya dig?  ” he queried.

Asked by reporters how he had got the idea that a violent demonstration in London by a couple of thousand red faced drunks and closet Nazis could be bigger than Trump’s own inauguration, Navarro was momentarily nonplussed.

“Whaddaya mean how did I get the idea? It was all over Fox news and Breibart, don’t you clowns follow the news,” he sneered before replacing his red nose, planting his crownless white bowler on his flamboyantly bald pate and plodding off towards Airforce One in his oversized red boots, tooting randomly on an antique car horn.

The thoughts of the American president are always something to be remembered for posterity, and it’s nice to have handwritten examples of them to live on after their deaths. However, there has been a glitch in the recent efforts to enshrine the thoughts – if that is the right word – of the current holder of that office.

Quite simply, he ate the ceremonial crayons.

Archivist Will Fileham had this to say on the matter:

“It’s strange to be using crayon in the first place, usually presidents like to use ink, indeed most of them like the olde worlde feel of a special fountain pen, or sometimes even a quill pen, although they can be tricky to get the hang of.

I remember Bill Clinton chose to use a quill, but kept using the feather bit to tickle an intern.

But with Donald Trump, he said absolutely no way, he wanted his thoughts enshrined in bright colours, so we offered to provide some specially made crayons for the purpose. He absolutely loved that idea, but then when we brought the special crayons, he mistook them for candy and ate them.”

The crayons took several weeks to make just right, using bees’ wax instead of the usual paraffin wax, and Trump ate them up in a matter of minutes.

“Not my fault,” Trump tweeted on the matter. “They should have said they weren’t candy. What kind of loser makes something look like candy and then not say it isn’t?”

Needless to say the crayons just looked in reality like normal crayons, albeit a little bit fancier. And nothing like sweets. Not that that stopped Trump.

“We now need to make them all over again,” Mr Fileham said. “That’s going to take more weeks. Oh well, on the plus side, it gives him more time to come up with some thoughts to write down.”

We can wait. We shall not, however, be holding our breath.

Disgraced actress Roseanne Barr is actually playing a very clever game. With Melania Trump AWOL, moves are afoot to install Roseanne as the new First Lady.

“The row about a supposedly racist tweet conceals Roseanne’s true motives,” claimed insider Lou Stung. “The timing is perfect. With Donald’s approval ratings tanking, he needed a distraction.”

What has that got to do with Roseanne?

“Donald is married to an immigrant,” explained Stung. “It doesn’t look good. Why do you think Melania went ‘missing’? She’s a thorn in his ideology. Donald needed a true, patriotic, all-American redneck girl, who likes burgers, at his side.”

Why was Roseanne so interested?

“You mean, apart from the burgers?” retorted Stung. “The salary is far better than what her own show can afford. After all, it’s just another acting job. The dodgy tweet was simply part of her initiative test. She passed with flying colours!”

The White House was quick to deny the allegation. “Melania is alive, well and tweeting,” gobsworth Di Versionary-Tactix told LCD’s Trump Trumpet correspondent. “She’s up at her window, waving, look! And here’s her latest tweet.”

Tearing our view away from the empty window, we read: “Hi! Melanie here! I see the FAKE NEWS MEDIA have been spreading rumors again. Melanie is not dead. It’s a LIE! And anyone who says it’s not a LIE is a traitor. Sad!”

Who could fail to be convinced?

“Oh, that’s just Donald playing games,” countered Stung. “A great, bigly big wedding is due to take place on the fourth of July. It will be beamed live to every outlet of Donald’s favourite burger restaurant.”

McDonald’s?

“No thanks,” said Stung, screwing her nose up. “They give me the squitters!”

American flags and MAGA hats are currently selling like hot McCakes, in anticipation of the most bigly supersize wedding of all time. Put on your trackies, and settle down with a Big Mac and fries to cheer them on.

And as they walk through the golden arches, give them a small… I mean, a big hand. Raise your McFlurries to toast Mr and Mrs Roseanne Barr!

In the wake of the ongoing episode between Donald Trump and Stormy Daniels, a new poll has revealed an eyebrow-raising new consequence. On being asked what they want to do when they finish studies, uni students and people undergoing mid-life career changes, replied “adult movie star” with surprising frequency.

A poll taken at Trump University, Reality Campus, revealed that while only 3% of the pupils had political aspirations, a whopping 17% wanted to star in porn.

University Vice Chancellor, Mr Big said in an interview:

“I can’t believe it. I know politicians are people everybody hates, but to think more people want to buy a webcam and work independently in movies, than sit on a toilet tweeting insanities while blackmailing allies? I don’t know how this happened?”

But it is happening. All across America, the national average reveals 23% of university pupils want to be porn stars, frequently citing Stormy Daniels as a role model. Barely 4% want to be politicians.

Asked how many want to become president, less than 0.1% expressed even the slightest enthusiasm, lending some truth to the old line of Clarence Darrow:

“When I was a boy I was told that anyone could become president – I’m beginning to believe it.”

It could be, too, that they have taken to heart the line by Douglas Adams:

“Anyone capable of getting themselves elected president should on no account be allowed to do the job.”

In any case, it is clear that more people want to be a thorn in the president’s side when they grow up than actually be president. I guess Machiavelli had a point when he talked about the power behind the throne.

Or possibly the power behind the bedroom door and the power of David Dennison’s not signing NDA’s afterwards.

The presence or absence of Donald Trump’s signature on certain documents has been causing a lot of controversy of late, but his most recent claim in that area has to be the most unbelievable yet.

His latest claim is to have signed the Declaration of Independence.

“Oh yeah,” he said. “I gave them my autograph on that document – for a fee, of course. But hey, it was worth every penny. Mine is the first signature there, and the biggest. Better than Obama, and better than George Washington, where are they now?”

It then had to be explained to him that George Washington was not one of the signatories of the document, and that it was drafted and signed before either he or Obama were even born.

“So? I can still sign it to show my support for America. Every president should sign it to show he loves America.”

He subsequently went on to tweet this statement, which got a mention on Fox News as a good idea, getting in turn the predictable praise by the right-wing self-styled patriots.

The fact that only two of the signatories of the original document, Thomas Jefferson and John Adams, went on to serve as president, cut no ice with Trump.

“That just shows how none of the other presidents loved America like I do,” he replied, in what may well be the truest statement he has ever made, even if he didn’t see the irony of it.

Technically of course, it is physically possible for him to add his signature to the document, but it would constitute an act of vandalism. The only remaining question then, is whether it is worth defacing such an important piece of American history to get him arrested.

It is rumoured that the FBI have commissioned the country’s finest forgers to create a perfect duplicate of the document to get him to sign. The FBI have refused to comment on this.

President Donald Trump’s attempt to divorce Michelle Obama failed today after a judge rejected the papers petitioning for divorce.

”The filed papers were filled out in crayon and littered with spelling errors,” our Washington bureau chief says, “this raised suspicions in the court and a handwriting expert was called to determine the authenticity of the papers.”

It seems it only took seconds for the handwriting expert to point the finger at POTUS.

“Donald Trump has dedicated his time in the White House to dismantling anything he identifies as Barrack Obama’s legacy. He’s such an insecure man child that even becoming president doesn’t compensate for knowing his father thought he was the afterbirth,” our correspondent says.

“He even pulled apart an IKEA bookshelf that had been stashed for later removal in a larder in the basement of the White House, while on a sugar rush, because he overhead a janitor say Barrack Obama had built it in record time just to prove he could.”

But after attempting to promote climate change, doing his best to crap all over the last unpolluted habit of polar bears, doing his utmost to legitimise every bigotry and prejudice optimistically believed largely consigned to history, and as recently as yesterday pulling America out of the Iran Nuclear Deal just “because Obama”, it seems the fake billionaire living on borrowed time and Russian money hit upon the one deed of the Obama’s most would assume he could not undo.

“Most were right,” our stateside hack nods, “the handwriting expert said that perhaps if he had used a biro and learned to spell first he may have gotten a little further. Oh, and if he had actually paid for the court filing rather than including an IOU. Still, it was a long shot.”

So where next for Donald?

“Well, he’s clearly going to be impeached before the end of the year. Yesterday’s Iran Nuclear Deal smash up was just to distract headlines from the breaking story of Cohen paying off Stormy from a bank account stuffed with Russian money. It mostly worked, but only for yesterday. The rumour mill says he’s going to begin rebirthing classes, giving his name as Obama, in the hope of stopping his birth midway. No one has ever tried that before. I doubt it will work.”

But there is one field in which Barrack Obama can’t touch him.

“You’re right,” our hack says, “Barrack is pretty good at getting people to laugh along with him, but Trump is far and away the greatest at being a global laughing stock. There’s a real danger of the Earth splitting its sides when Trump is led into court in cuffs.”

Doctor Body, a world famous expert in the field of body language studies says today the planned President Donald Trump visit to the UK is highly unlikely, after studying a photo of several people.

“These four people here,” Doctor Body tells LCD Views, “they’re the kind of highly intelligent, selfless public servants that will be lined up to meet the world’s most famous humanitarian when he visits. Clearly none of them have done any preparation. You can tell that just by looking at them.”

Doctor Body says he can tell this because of the way the four people are standing.

“Their hands are down by their sides,” he tells us, “do they look ready to shake hands with the world’s most famous handshaker in chief to you?”

He has a good point. With legs splayed out in a power display, or because of overheating genitalia, it’s hard to tell which, none of the people in the image are braced for impact.

“Maybe the photos were taken after sitting on a hot plate accidentally,” Doctor Body muses, “but then they would be grimacing. They’d also have their hands in a defensive posture holding an ice pack or something. I’m not sure what treatment would be used. I’m a body language expert. Not a medical doctor. I’m not even a qualified first aider.”

So how does he suggest they signal readiness to meet the cheeto faced, gammon chorus leader in chief?

“Close your legs,” Doctor Body advises, “and get ready to ride out the most preposterous handshake ever. Donald Trump is a self confessed sexual predator. The fact that the American people voted him into office leaves me shaking my head in wonder.

It would be best not to allow him to visit in the first place so as not to validate his appalling lack of ethics and gutter scraping behaviour.”

So work on the handshake. Got it.

The immense fame, fortune and power of Donald Trump have given rise to much speculation over the years as to how and why it happened. Among the more popular theories is that he made a deal with the Devil, but this has now been debunked – by the Devil.

Speaking candidly at a press conference, he told the assembled reporters:

“Look, I know I have something of a bad press here in the world of men, but I’m not that bad. Even I wouldn’t go near Donald Trump. Just when you think humans have sunk as low as they can go, in comes another one who manages to lower the bar another impossible inch. He actually did approach me once, and offered me the souls of all his family – his wives, children, in-laws – I was shocked! And I’m the Devil, it takes a lot to shock me!”

So in other words, when he arrives in hell, it will be entirely through his own efforts.

“Him? In my infernal domain?” Satan looked genuinely repulsed at the prospect. “I don’t want him in Hell, lowering the tone! Apart from anything else, his tan is a fire hazard, and if there’s one thing Hell isn’t short of, it’s fires. I wouldn’t mind if the flames could be guaranteed to only affect him, but they’ll shoot out everywhere – it’s a health & safety risk to me and my demons.”

But surely this doesn’t mean that Trump will be going to Heaven – does it?

“Oh, don’t you worry on that score,” Satan replied, the terrifyingly confident smile back on his face.

“The thing you mortals don’t yet know is, there’s somewhere worse. About twenty years ago, one of my demons led a revolt against me. Gary his name was – good lad, very enthusiastic about his job, but not very bright.

Anyway, he tried to take over, and failed, miserably. I had to punish him, and it was around this time that God was trying to get tough – tough on sin, tough on the causes of sin, you know, and he created somewhere worse. So I offered him Gary and his followers to staff the place, everyone was a winner – God got his staff for Uber-Hell – or should that be Unter-Hell? – I got rid of my traitors, and even Gary got to be the leader of his own domain.”

So Trump will be going there then?

“Absolutely. Funnily enough, I was asking Gary just the other day what he had planned for him. And he’s already got it covered – a golf course that won’t give you a single break.

Holes that disappear, invisible dragons, sixty-foot bunkers, and so on. He actually tried the course out one day in Hell, I remember, with a particularly loathsome mortal called Thomas Quentin Crimp, who by rights should have gone with Gary, but I just couldn’t bear to part with my favourite whipping boy . . .”

So there you have it. There is officially a fate worse than Hell, and it’s in Donald Trump’s future. Hopefully not too distant. Although given how robust his health apparently is Gary may have a wait.