Category: Donald Trump

The presence or absence of Donald Trump’s signature on certain documents has been causing a lot of controversy of late, but his most recent claim in that area has to be the most unbelievable yet.

His latest claim is to have signed the Declaration of Independence.

“Oh yeah,” he said. “I gave them my autograph on that document – for a fee, of course. But hey, it was worth every penny. Mine is the first signature there, and the biggest. Better than Obama, and better than George Washington, where are they now?”

It then had to be explained to him that George Washington was not one of the signatories of the document, and that it was drafted and signed before either he or Obama were even born.

“So? I can still sign it to show my support for America. Every president should sign it to show he loves America.”

He subsequently went on to tweet this statement, which got a mention on Fox News as a good idea, getting in turn the predictable praise by the right-wing self-styled patriots.

The fact that only two of the signatories of the original document, Thomas Jefferson and John Adams, went on to serve as president, cut no ice with Trump.

“That just shows how none of the other presidents loved America like I do,” he replied, in what may well be the truest statement he has ever made, even if he didn’t see the irony of it.

Technically of course, it is physically possible for him to add his signature to the document, but it would constitute an act of vandalism. The only remaining question then, is whether it is worth defacing such an important piece of American history to get him arrested.

It is rumoured that the FBI have commissioned the country’s finest forgers to create a perfect duplicate of the document to get him to sign. The FBI have refused to comment on this.

President Donald Trump’s attempt to divorce Michelle Obama failed today after a judge rejected the papers petitioning for divorce.

”The filed papers were filled out in crayon and littered with spelling errors,” our Washington bureau chief says, “this raised suspicions in the court and a handwriting expert was called to determine the authenticity of the papers.”

It seems it only took seconds for the handwriting expert to point the finger at POTUS.

“Donald Trump has dedicated his time in the White House to dismantling anything he identifies as Barrack Obama’s legacy. He’s such an insecure man child that even becoming president doesn’t compensate for knowing his father thought he was the afterbirth,” our correspondent says.

“He even pulled apart an IKEA bookshelf that had been stashed for later removal in a larder in the basement of the White House, while on a sugar rush, because he overhead a janitor say Barrack Obama had built it in record time just to prove he could.”

But after attempting to promote climate change, doing his best to crap all over the last unpolluted habit of polar bears, doing his utmost to legitimise every bigotry and prejudice optimistically believed largely consigned to history, and as recently as yesterday pulling America out of the Iran Nuclear Deal just “because Obama”, it seems the fake billionaire living on borrowed time and Russian money hit upon the one deed of the Obama’s most would assume he could not undo.

“Most were right,” our stateside hack nods, “the handwriting expert said that perhaps if he had used a biro and learned to spell first he may have gotten a little further. Oh, and if he had actually paid for the court filing rather than including an IOU. Still, it was a long shot.”

So where next for Donald?

“Well, he’s clearly going to be impeached before the end of the year. Yesterday’s Iran Nuclear Deal smash up was just to distract headlines from the breaking story of Cohen paying off Stormy from a bank account stuffed with Russian money. It mostly worked, but only for yesterday. The rumour mill says he’s going to begin rebirthing classes, giving his name as Obama, in the hope of stopping his birth midway. No one has ever tried that before. I doubt it will work.”

But there is one field in which Barrack Obama can’t touch him.

“You’re right,” our hack says, “Barrack is pretty good at getting people to laugh along with him, but Trump is far and away the greatest at being a global laughing stock. There’s a real danger of the Earth splitting its sides when Trump is led into court in cuffs.”

Doctor Body, a world famous expert in the field of body language studies says today the planned President Donald Trump visit to the UK is highly unlikely, after studying a photo of several people.

“These four people here,” Doctor Body tells LCD Views, “they’re the kind of highly intelligent, selfless public servants that will be lined up to meet the world’s most famous humanitarian when he visits. Clearly none of them have done any preparation. You can tell that just by looking at them.”

Doctor Body says he can tell this because of the way the four people are standing.

“Their hands are down by their sides,” he tells us, “do they look ready to shake hands with the world’s most famous handshaker in chief to you?”

He has a good point. With legs splayed out in a power display, or because of overheating genitalia, it’s hard to tell which, none of the people in the image are braced for impact.

“Maybe the photos were taken after sitting on a hot plate accidentally,” Doctor Body muses, “but then they would be grimacing. They’d also have their hands in a defensive posture holding an ice pack or something. I’m not sure what treatment would be used. I’m a body language expert. Not a medical doctor. I’m not even a qualified first aider.”

So how does he suggest they signal readiness to meet the cheeto faced, gammon chorus leader in chief?

“Close your legs,” Doctor Body advises, “and get ready to ride out the most preposterous handshake ever. Donald Trump is a self confessed sexual predator. The fact that the American people voted him into office leaves me shaking my head in wonder.

It would be best not to allow him to visit in the first place so as not to validate his appalling lack of ethics and gutter scraping behaviour.”

So work on the handshake. Got it.

The immense fame, fortune and power of Donald Trump have given rise to much speculation over the years as to how and why it happened. Among the more popular theories is that he made a deal with the Devil, but this has now been debunked – by the Devil.

Speaking candidly at a press conference, he told the assembled reporters:

“Look, I know I have something of a bad press here in the world of men, but I’m not that bad. Even I wouldn’t go near Donald Trump. Just when you think humans have sunk as low as they can go, in comes another one who manages to lower the bar another impossible inch. He actually did approach me once, and offered me the souls of all his family – his wives, children, in-laws – I was shocked! And I’m the Devil, it takes a lot to shock me!”

So in other words, when he arrives in hell, it will be entirely through his own efforts.

“Him? In my infernal domain?” Satan looked genuinely repulsed at the prospect. “I don’t want him in Hell, lowering the tone! Apart from anything else, his tan is a fire hazard, and if there’s one thing Hell isn’t short of, it’s fires. I wouldn’t mind if the flames could be guaranteed to only affect him, but they’ll shoot out everywhere – it’s a health & safety risk to me and my demons.”

But surely this doesn’t mean that Trump will be going to Heaven – does it?

“Oh, don’t you worry on that score,” Satan replied, the terrifyingly confident smile back on his face.

“The thing you mortals don’t yet know is, there’s somewhere worse. About twenty years ago, one of my demons led a revolt against me. Gary his name was – good lad, very enthusiastic about his job, but not very bright.

Anyway, he tried to take over, and failed, miserably. I had to punish him, and it was around this time that God was trying to get tough – tough on sin, tough on the causes of sin, you know, and he created somewhere worse. So I offered him Gary and his followers to staff the place, everyone was a winner – God got his staff for Uber-Hell – or should that be Unter-Hell? – I got rid of my traitors, and even Gary got to be the leader of his own domain.”

So Trump will be going there then?

“Absolutely. Funnily enough, I was asking Gary just the other day what he had planned for him. And he’s already got it covered – a golf course that won’t give you a single break.

Holes that disappear, invisible dragons, sixty-foot bunkers, and so on. He actually tried the course out one day in Hell, I remember, with a particularly loathsome mortal called Thomas Quentin Crimp, who by rights should have gone with Gary, but I just couldn’t bear to part with my favourite whipping boy . . .”

So there you have it. There is officially a fate worse than Hell, and it’s in Donald Trump’s future. Hopefully not too distant. Although given how robust his health apparently is Gary may have a wait.

Theresa May was embroiled in a social media shitstorm today after she unfriended French President E Macron on Facebook after he hit on America’s most famous one term president Donald Trump.

”It was really silly,” an aide to No 10 told LCD Views, “she saw them holding hands and she just lost it.

We are the ones with the special relationship.

The French are cheese eating surrender monkeys. Everyone knows that, even if they were right to keep well out of Bush and Blair’s Iraq War.”

Quite at what point in the day the British prime minister hit block and unfriend and I hate you is not clear.

”Probably after the cabinet meeting this morning,” the aide said, “Boris got well up her over institutional racism. This wound her right up. As he’s tied himself to the mast of Brexit she assumed he hated everyone on a colour chart system as much as she did. He’s probably just using the issue to try and get fired anyway. He wakes each day looking for the exit from this mighty mess he made.”

So she was primed to snap at someone?

”Oh, that’s just business as usual,” the aide shrugged, “she’s very tense. She wakes each day fearing she’ll face a Labour Party led by someone who isn’t intent on economic destruction with her.”

I suppose this puts Trump’s planned picnic in Buckingham Palace in July in doubt now?

”What are you talking about? She didn’t unfriend Trump. She’ll forgive him. She’s not going to hold it against him that he doesn’t have the instinctive mistrust of the French bred into her like a girl from little England whose most recent reference is Waterloo. And anyway, May and Trump share the same values. She’s determined their special relationship cemented on a set of stairs goes on, all the way to the bottom.”

These days the news of Donald Trump signing an executive order seems pretty old hat, but his latest has a more personal edge to it. At a press conference at the White House, he held up a bigly executive order forbidding adult film star Stormy Daniels from talking about an alleged affair they had in 2006-7.

“I’m just sick of that fake bitch opening her mouth and spreading all those nasty false rumours about me,” he told the assembled press with trademark tact. “So I’m putting a stop to it. She says I didn’t sign the agreement, well take that Stormy, I’ve signed this instead.”

“Instead” was a very Freudian slip, which some critics were quick to point out as being an admission that her recent claim is in fact true.

“It doesn’t matter what’s true,” Trump replied. “I’m president and what I say goes.”

Others were quick to point out that signing an executive order like that purely to gratify his own ego is the mark of a dictator rather than a proper democratically elected representative of the people.

“What are you talking about?” Trump retorted. “Say that again but in English.”

The criticism was rephrased as “it’s the sort of thing Kim Jong Un would do.”

“No he wouldn’t,” Trump replied, “because he can’t get the chicks. Not like me, I’ve got the hottest chicks you could dream of. Bigly hot. So hot you can only dream of them, but I can have them anytime I want.”

This led to the inevitable question of why make such a fuss about silencing one woman on the subject while simultaneously making such a brag?

“Because it never even happened. I did not have sexual relay – uh, sexy relay – uh, sex, with that woman. No way. She’s not hot enough to get the Donald. What a loser. Sad.”

So if it didn’t even happen why bother with the executive order, and indeed all the legal haranguing that’s been going on over the incident already?

“Because I don’t want to hear any more on the subject. Now get out before I set the NRA on you.”

Not being armed ourselves, we got out.

Ms Daniel was unavailable for comment. Sources close to her say she is going to ask Monica Lewinsky for tips.

Fresh concerns over the neurological wellbeing of Earth’s commander in thief today with the news that President Donald Trump has been diagnosed with brain spurs.

“The News is the result of a leak from the White House itself,” LCD Views’ only American correspondent reveals,

“shortly after 6am this morning I was handed a brown envelope by a man in a trench coat whose throat seemed to go down as far as the Marinara Trench.”

Our award winning correspondent (we give the awards to ourselves, we’re like the wine industry) says that in the mystery bag were several cheeseburger wrappers in a used condition. But also an x-ray of Donald Trump’s head and a short diagnosis.

”The diagnosis is not expected to impair the functioning of Trump while in office,” our man continues,

“as the chief symptoms are serial sexpest behaviour, boasting about said behaviour on tape, and still getting elected to office because apparently the world’s primary democracy doesn’t care about that enough.”

Other symptoms include a willingness to allegedly launder Russian mafia money through apparently legitimate casinos, which are closed under the pretence of bankruptcy once their purpose is fulfilled, and ‘telling it how he sees it’.

”That is potentially one of the more serious affects of brain spurs,” our correspondent notes,

“as it usually means validating the regressive attitudes of people who think being respectful and polite to others (PC) means they are less manly now.

Surprisingly cultural progression is not a threat, unless you’re inherently insecure and are willing to be taken for a ride by the same small percent of people who have purposefully impoverished your communities for personal gain.”

What other symptoms are anticipated?

”Starting a trade war with China,” he adds, “sure sign the spurs have fully replaced the temporal lobes with calcium and cartilige now.”

So a short term boost and then a death knell for the US steel industry?

”Possibly. Let’s do the 1930’s again. At least we can take comfort that President Trump won’t have to fight in any trade war, thanks to the diagnosis of brain spurs.”

In old days spurs were placed on roosters and then they would fight for money, but no one thinks President Trump is well enough endowed to get into a cock fight.

Donald Trump has admitted last night that his claims for wanting tighter gun control were in fact a big hoax.

When the assembled press began asking him if his statement about wanting tighter gun laws was genuine, he replied with the two words, “April fool!”

This statement came as absolutely no surprise on any level. Not only is Mr Trump still very actively in favour of US citizens carrying guns, but he also got the date wrong.

When someone pointed out that it was only the first of March and not April, Mr Trump shrugged and said, “how many April fool gags have their setup the day before? I should think quite a bigly amount, wouldn’t you? Some of them by nicety, uh, nestie, uh, because they need to.”

But this is a full month in advance. The first of April is over four weeks away.

Trump responded in his usual manner.

“Any suggestion that I don’t know when April fools day is,” he said sternly, “is fake news.”

And the rumours that he was ordered to back down on his stance by the NRA?

“That’s fake news too,” he said. “The fakeliest. The Donald isn’t scared of anyone. I could take on the entire NRA unarmed and still kick their asses.”

So what if anything, it was asked, would he be doing on gun laws?

“That’s easy,” Trump replied. “I am signing a new executive order making it compulsory for every American citizen to carry a gun at all times.”

Well, that will certainly have an effect on gun crime statistics. America, the rest of the world is sending thoughts and prayer for you.

“So long, and I want to make this absolutely clear, so long as there’s no stairs, I would run in unarmed to a school shooting,” all round superhero and good guy, President Donald Drumpf, reassured an anxious country today, in the wake of the latest high school massacre.

”I’m faster than that Bolt guy on the flat, did you know that? A lot of people don’t know that. It’s because I trained him. I taught him everything he knows. He was an ambler when I met him.”

While some have reacted with skepticism, saying the President’s words were just idle boasting, many will be ressured by the order to remove stairs to make Trump running possible to begin with.

”They need to increase accessibility at schools,” He added, “I’ll be signing what is probably my most important executive order later today ordering the immediate levelling of schools, and this is vital, the creation of a place to park my golf cart inside gymnasiums, just in case there’s no time to run.”

The NRA was first to appalaud Trump’s words, as it means they can continue to profit off the mass murder of the country’s children under the fantastical notion that millions of high powered rifles designed to kill people as rapidly as possible make a country safer when someone like Trump has the nukes.

”Of course the SWAT team and the clean up crews would have to go in first,” Donald Trump qualified, “But I’d definitely run in, no more than two or three days after.

I do so much tweeting, just so much, I need to charge my phone rapidly, no more so than after a school shooting.

Have you seen me run around when I can’t find my charger? It’s something to see folks, you should watch sometime.”

Now at least Americans can feel safer.