Category: Democracy

WELCOME TO THE MINISTRY OF TRUTH: The government has abandoned yet another parliamentary principle. This time the rule they have smashed apart is “never go full Orwell”. 

“War is peace. Freedom is slavery. Ignorance is strength.” And now these delicious statements are joined by “Corruption is honour”. 

In a time of deceit telling the truth is a revolutionary act. This latest statement, being both (internal) truth and (external) deceit, makes it a paradoxical tautology on a par with Brexit Means Brexit. 

For there is hardly an influential Conservative MP without fingers in many pies. Our right honourable friends are as corrupt as shit. Picture the covid crisis, for example. Watch as £37bn is spent, on apparently very little, right under the watchful eyes of the Clandestine Anti-Corruption Commander, who failed to notice his wife creaming off exorbitant sums of public money. Rejoice as Matt’s Mates are given squillions, ostensibly to obtain PPE but in fact to splash out on mansions. Cheer the well connected company which took government money to buy overpriced equipment which was never used, and instead stored it in its own facility, charging £1m per day for storage. 

All part of the loyal, patriotic, honorable business of diverting public money into private hands. 

Then let’s consider the entirely honourable business of paying MPs for favours. Owen Paterson was forced to resign not because he was “corrupt”, but did the dishonourable thing of being found out. 

There is no need to mention the fact that £3m is the going rate for a peerage these days. 

By simply redefining what woke lefties call corruption as honour, so many obstacles are removed from the path to Brexit nirvana. 

There is nothing wrong with using money and influence to gain more money and influence. This is why such business must be conducted using burner phones, which may then be “lost”, “broken”, or “given away”, according to the Lord Bethell List of Plausible Excuses. 

After all, what the eye does not see, the heart does not grieve over. 

LORDING IT OVER US: Another Brexit benefit has been discovered. Thanks to the reduction in EU red tape, the price of a seat in the House of Lords has been reduced to a cut-price £3m.

Those who say this devalues the peerage have been denounced as jealous moaning woke snowflakes, by people who also insist on civility in public life. 

“You don’t get something for nothing,” chided Justin Uffter-Livon, Number Ten’s special advisor on frequent parliamentary pay rises. “As we all know, the basic, and I use the word advisedly, salary for an MP is barely sufficient for sustaining the bare essentials.” 

That’s another issue. How can political influence be a commodity to be bought and sold in a modern democracy? 

“It is a reward for blameless and selfless work on behalf of the Conservative Party,” said Uffter-Livon. “And now, thanks to the elimination of EU red tape, we have removed any lefty obligations to demonstrate any kind of public service. This means that we can now deliver democracy at a very reasonable price!” 

Is interesting that “only” £3m is described as “very reasonable”. It is a price way beyond the means of most people. 

“I dispute that,” said Uffter-Livon. “In fact, there must be a device to ensure that the hoi polloi, the riff raff, the great unwashed, never threaten the Great British power structures. They are being excluded for their own good, so that the country may be rightly ruled by those sufficiently high skilled. Indeed, lowering the bar to just £3m has opened up the field to many more suitable candidates.”

Presumably the next logical step is to sponsor a Lord, and reduce Parliament to a franchise system paid for by the wealthy? 

“Great idea, thank you,” smirked Uffter-Livon. “Cash for questions? No, Money for Members. It’s the way backwards, I mean forwards.” 

Buy a Baron! Roll up, roll up! 

DIG DEEP AND CARRY ON : It’s been an undeniably bad week for the UK Prime Minister, with even The Daily Mail sensing profit in turning on him by the closing stages of play.

The trouble appears to centre on an alleged attempt to tear up the final vestiges of accountability and scrutiny. Which was going great guns until a wave of public nausea so severe 10 Downing Street was left “literally mopping out the spontaneous deluge of vomit”.

“We were just trying to infect all MPs with a sense of entitlement so strong anything goes,” a 10 Downing Street source tells LCD Views. “If you want to do something and you are capable of doing it, you should be able to do it. Foreign interests have spent vast sums to groom British MPs to believe that. Public interest be damned. Just look at Brexit. Titanic victory. Corruption has been a runaway success among Conservatives. Being born to office gives them a head start of course. We’ll take stock and try again. Admittedly the punishments for being caught redhanded are ridiculously light and we should just carry on with business as usual. But being told no really rankles men and women who’ve never heard the word.”

Others have said that the problem lies right at the top of government. The Prime Minister is the focus of numerous investigations into his conduct in office and if Downing Street was able to tear up the oversight of his actions then all those ridiculous inquiries could just be made to go away.

“We have to find a way to completely evade scrutiny,” the source goes on. “We got Brexit done by calling any sane and sensible questioning of its wisdom unpatriotic. So the trick appears to lie in working out how to label anyone saying MPs shouldn’t receive vast sums of money to lobby for corporate interests unpatriotic. Then all the PM’s troubles can just float away and we can become wealthy while struggling to survive on an MPs miserly salary.”

MAKE HAY WHILE THE SUN SHINES : 10 Downing Street is to drive forward with the advantage gained by its surprise win in the House of Commons yesterday by setting up a new Corruption Watchdog.

Westminster insiders had expected the Prime Minister to lay low for a few days after the stunning victory over those who foolishly believe MPs should be the advocates of the people who vote, and not large corporations, but their naivety is their undoing. The new watchdog will investigate corruption by MPs and act where necessary.

“And act swiftly,” a 10 Downing Street insider tells LCD Views. “Some MPs aren’t charging nearly enough to access to government. High profile elected representatives can find their earnings hamstrung by more junior members who aren’t pushing the envelope hard enough.”

To give the public confidence the new body will do what it says on the tin, it is rumoured that the PM has chosen a recognised expert in the field.

“Owen Paterson MP brings a wealth of experience to the field of being paid to lobby on behalf of corporate interests,” the source continues. “He was recently found guilty of gross corruption by a cross party parliamentary committee. That was essentially the interview process to select the right person to head up the Corruption task force. He will ensure all MPs get the right buck for their bang.”

It’s thought Mr Paterson’s unwillingness to accept the thirty day ban from the House was a key plank in his success. Had he just taken the slap on the wrist and carried on with business as usual he may have lost out.

“Entitlement is the only thing that matters when you’re elected to parliament. If you can perform an action you are right to do it. Mr Paterson embodies this innocent desire for self-gratification above all other considerations as fully as any other MP found guilty of corruption. He’s the right man for the job.”

And there will be no time to lose as Mr Paterson will have to investigate his first case immediately.

“His first job will be to investigate himself,” the source adds. “Was £300,000 the most he could have earned by virtue of his access to the ear of the executive? He will be ruthless in his calculation. His sponsors may find themselves with a backdated invoice!”

PAY PEANUTS…: The shocking fate of a Brexiter MP, an innocent public servant who has become the subject of a witch hunt by a cross party group of MPs, has led to an imagined recommendation from 10 Downing Street that MPs salaries rise to a minimum of one million pounds per year. A believable, but invented, leak has revealed.

It’s hoped the minor pay bump will defend stalwarts of representative democracy as they simply go about their job of paid advocacy for whoever pays them. In theory this is the public, but that is a naive and outdated perception which must be modernised. Public service can be the gateway to untold riches for mediocre individuals, and as such is an avenue of levelling up.

“One million pounds for annum will be the starting salary,” the leak explains. “This will have to be indexed to rise with inflation. MPs will receive performance bonuses on top of that, as is normal for any hardworking employee. There will be an additional pay increase if you are a Tory MP, as people expect you to earn additional income to meet rising living costs. Have you seen the cost of gas lately? Those stables don’t heat themselves! But former MPs, and especially former PMs, will be encouraged to capitalise on their brief stints in public service to make being an MP truly aspirational. This should encourage food bank freeloaders and UC layabouts to work harder.”

But critics of the initiative have said that they can’t see how paying public servants a massive salary will stop them seeking additional sources of revenue, outside of their expected parliamentary business.

“Those critics don’t understand how Brexit works,” a 10 Downing Street source commented. “Why did we have to leave the EU and all its red tape behind? This is what the people wanted. Now, aren’t you late for your indentured field work peasant?”

PAY TO PLAY : The wealthiest Tory MPs are in for a massive tax return today after completely fabricated reports said that 10 Downing Street is to make donations from foreign billionaires tax deductible.

Ever reliable, anonymous “sources” from inside the Executive began briefing pliant press mouthpieces that “tax efficient” changes were coming in order to “help complete the transformation from a liberal, representative democracy” into a total Kakistocracy.

The need for MPs to enrich themselves however possible while in office is seen as a key plank of post Brexit governance because “you never know when we’ll need to cut and run after trashing and asset stripping old Blighty”.

The tax deductible nature of the donations is also rumoured to include a special “you scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours” clause which means both the giver and the receiver can claim it.

“This is a completely democratic change which will see investment and sponsorship pour into Westminster in numbers that dwarf even the deluge from sanctioned oligarchs to Tories post 2010,” the leak asserts. “It’s all part of building back better bank balances while keeping the plebs distracted with frequent threats of war with France over a fish.”

To make the new changes truly inclusive the rebate will be valid regardless of the currency used to make a donation.

“We’ll also be allowing the cash value of gifts such as holidays and dinners to be claimed against an MPs salary,” the leak also reveals. “This means that the Exchequer will be writing cheques for hardworking MPs that more than compensate for the sterling work they’ve done transforming the U.K. food supply chains and water quality.”

The public is expected to play their part by shrugging and going to Spoons for a pint that is now 3p cheaper.

REMEMBER REMEMBER THE 12TH OF DECEMBER : BORIS JOHNSON’S countryciding election victory on the 12th of December 2019 is set to become even more impressive following a new law passed this week.

The new law will rewrite history to “keep it relevant for the challenges of today” and will enable the PM to make changes necessary to properly allow him to move forward.

“The Great Rewriting Act allows the Prime Minister to keep history fresh and vibrant,” a 10 Downing Street source tells LCD Views. “It will also allow Mr Johnson and his cabal to explain to the British people exactly who is to blame for the frankly parlour state of the country.”

The law is thought to take its inspiration from the ingrained habit of Tory MPs to blame the “last Labour government” for any problem afflicting the country, even though they haven’t been in power since 2010.

“When you look at the disaster that was the Brexit negotiations it’s easy to see that if Labour hadn’t now been in power during the discussions it would have gone much better,” the source explains. “Mr Johnson’s Oven Ready Deal was the best of a bad job. Sleepy Starmer, Jobs First Corbyn and the Wrong Miliband Brother have a lot to answer for. If Mr Johnson hadn’t been able to outwit the EU into at least a basic trade deal heaven knows where we would be now.”

Quite how Labour will respond isn’t yet clear, although keen Westminster observers expect a muted response and an effort to be constructive with the latest bout of Tory insanity because “that’s worked so very well since the 24th June 2016” so why change tack now?

“Once the law has proven itself successful it is likely that Labour will find itself responsible for everything that happens right up to yesterday. This will allow the Prime Minister to credibly claim it will be a lovely day tomorrow under his governance. Day after day. Even as the country descends into total calamity under his watch.”

SORRY SEEMS TO BE THE HARDEST WORD: It is well known that the top brass in Westminster regard saying sorry to be a sign of weakness. This erroneous view has now been crystallised in a new Tory directive. 

Henceforth, any Conservative MP apologising for anything will be instantly deselected as a party MP. They will be barred from ever seeking reelection. Any prospect of becoming a Lord will vanish. The cushy non-executive directorships of blue chip companies will go to someone more loyal. 

The after dinner speeches will never take place. Nobody will be willing to give them a leg up, ever again. Their MP’s pension will mysteriously vanish. If they want to work again, they will have to go down to the Job Centre like the rest of us. 

This move is, apparently, part of the drive towards open government, democracy and accountability. 

“We are taking our cue from the Great Lady Thatcher,” explained Home Office wonk Anne Tagonist. “La belle dame sans merci. Or, in a proper English language, the beautiful woman who never says thank you. Or please. Or sorry.” 

This fits in perfectly with Send ‘Em Home Secretary Priti Patel’s vision of a kind, caring, modern Britain. 

“This initiative requires a great deal of planning and unity,” babbled Tagonist. “Part of this needs all MPs to sing from the same hymn sheet. They must all recognise that they are part of a grand plan. So they must support the message, even if they are incapable of seeing the bigger picture. But there can be no tolerance of dissent. Any implication that we might have got something wrong must be punished. Apologies cannot be made under any circumstances. There is no alternative!”

To sum up, if you don’t like it, leave the Conservative party, the old boys network,, the privilege and the gravy train. 

There’s nothing to be sorry about. 

SHOULD I STAY OR SHOULD I GO: Amnesia has struck our work-shy holiday addict of a Prime Minister. The man who claims he got elected on a promise to Get Brexit Done has conveniently forgotten which way he voted in the referendum. 

A Downing Street aide, Enda McTether, admitted this startling fact, while both confirming and denying that Johnson was away on an all expenses paid jolly. 

“The Prime Minister is not available to answer such trivial matters,” McTether scolded. “Don’t you know, he’s working night and day sorting out all this mess that definitely isn’t his fault.” 

We heard that he’s currently on holiday. 

“He strained a sinew and needs a rest,” confirmed McTether. “But he’s still working as hard as ever, he will not stop until he drops, so it’s not really a holiday is it, after all Marbella isn’t just a luxury resort on the Med, it’s a hotbed of workaholics, it has more laptops than Venice you know!” 

More sunbed than hotbed, by the sound of it. 

“You can top up your tan and sort out six kinds of national crisis at the same time!” screeched McTether. “Boris is in constant touch with Dominic Raab in case anything goes wrong!” 

Let’s just hope the sea is open again. So, now we know that Johnson is on holiday, even though he isn’t, and right on top of Carrie if nothing else, why don’t you let us know how he voted in the referendum? 

“He can’t remember, he’s slept since then!” said the very agitated McTether. “But it was definitely the right decision! It’s water under the bridge, it’s a private matter… it’s time to move on!” 

He’s pricked his own bubble. No wonder there’s so much hot air. The puffed up inflatable prime minister has let himself down. 

OPERATION BOWSER : 10 DOWNING STREET has reportedly been in a “huddle” over a crate of Masseto Toscana IGT, said to have been gifted to the Prime Minister from someone believed to have a villa in Tuscany. While the preference is usually for the most expensive wine that can be purchased and delivered as a gift from France, the PM is reported to be “thinking outside the box” to solve the fuel crisis.

“He’s come up with a crowd pleaser,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “A solution that will have many Tory MPs bursting their britches in delight and will warm the cockles of the ageing Sun and Mail readers.”

A solution is needed for the fuel crisis fast as currently 50-85% of the UK’s petrol stations have been emptied in panic buying. Quite why trust in the government has eroded to this point isn’t yet understood, but many are ready to blame Brussels.

“Conscription will get this sorted,” the source says. “Just imagine the joy on the faces of kippers and gammon up and down the land when they see the headlines on the papers? It’s not them who’ll be conscripted, so that’s alright. They can rest easy in their petrol queue knowing that some young layabout who’s had it too good their whole life will be wrenched out of their day to day routine and put in uniform.”

In order to get the numbers needed to fill the HGV void a press gang style conscription will be used.

“Just as soon as we’ve conscripted the soldiers to form the press gangs. This is a necessary first step because all the existing armed forces are currently already driving trucks, ambulances and picking fruit. It’s a mystery which idiots allowed armed forces to get so low in numbers over the last decade. Presumably it’s the fault of the last Labour government.”

Anyone not wishing to be conscripted can get an opt-out though, if they prepare in advance.

“Just be born into the family of a Tory or a donor and you’ll get a free pass and a PPE contract to apologise for the inconvenience.”

Join the army! Quick! Johnson is deploying it in so many areas he’s buggered already we’re definitely going to need more squaddies.