Category: Democracy

THE DEVIL MAKES WORK FOR IDLE HANDS TO DO: Tory MPs are revolting. The mere suggestion that they should put in 35 hours of honest hard work representing the people who elected them has been greeted by howls of outrage. 

It’s as if the idea that a wealthy chap is obliged to actually earn their income is anathema to our MPs. Especially the ones who claim to be working night and day. 

The same world beating drones are now claiming to have discovered some principles. Or at least realised that they won’t be comfortable on the take in full view of the nation. 

“It’s a flaming liberty, that’s what it is!” spluttered outraged backbencher Billy O’Nair. “Being an MP was supposed to be a cushy number! Safe seat, show your face every now and then, keep your head down, don’t rock the boat, rack up the directorships. A few phone calls, lunch, golf, a couple more zeroes on the bank balance. That’s what Eton and Oxford prepare you for!”

What objection do you have to doing the job you are paid to do? 

“Oh, don’t be so ridiculous!” scoffed O’Nair. “Everyone knows that being an MP is just a perk to compensate for being crap at the law. Plenty of status and contacts. Cheap food and drink. Opportunities to bullshit for England. Bit of pocket money. It’s a doss job, it’s just a chance to grease the wheels. Work? WORK?! Only idiots work! It’s a disgrace, an outrage! Well I’m not standing for it, I’m not going to be made a fool of, plenty more ways to coin it in out of the public eye.”

How dare the ordinary citizens of this great country demand that their representatives actually represent them. It’s no wonder MPs are lining up to resign in protest. 

IF YOU DON’T LIKE THESE POLLS I HAVE OTHERS : 10 DOWNING STREET is said to be in an upbeat and fighting mood today as Labour continue to batter ten types of crap out of the Tories in the political polls, and they aren’t even trying to, merely continuing the world beating strategy since 2010 of not opposing the biggest, maddest idea the Tories have. It’s worked so well so far, why change now? The Cons will destroy themselves if you wait long enough. Okay, they didn’t destroy themselves over austerity, they’re not even destroying themselves over Brexit, the appalling pandemic mismanagement hasn’t hurt them overly much either, which is the great plus of a constructive opposition. But the sleaze is doing it. The grubbiness and greed. Whacko! The tabloids have decided it is time to re-invent the country’s government!

There is of course only one flaw in all this and that is the power of Mr Johnson to ignore reality and tell you what reality is. And here is where the genius shines.

“We’re simply going to dismantle the old way of polling the public and set up a committee to ensure the correct results are always achieved,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “We need to see the Tories consistently polling between 40-50% in the polls again.”

The model for the makeover is to hand too.

“We’ll take the plans we have for oversight of MPs and use it for polling,” the source explains. “Every pollster will have to submit his findings to 10 Downing Street before publishing them. This way Mr Johnson can correct their findings. This is just natural justice. A right of appeal by the executive against the will of the people. It will provide the strong and stable leadership the United Kingdom needs.”

PRE-LOVED CONDITION : 10 DOWNING STREET is to combat the wave of sleaze which threatens to overwhelm the Johnson administration by “letting everyone have a piece of the action”.

The plan appears to be to hold a sale of Tory MPs modelled along the line of major supermarkets and “Buy One and Get One Free” offers. The price of MPs will be set at standard market rates, but a real bargain given you’ll get a second Tory MP for free.

“Or both for half price,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “It’s all a question of how you look at it. Why not pick up a Jenrick and a Hancock when you’re doing your grocery shopping this weekend? Okay, the used by date on both is a bit ripe, but they still have the same old contact book and access to the heart of government. Shapps is an exception though, because he is several people at once, allegedly. That’s a real hidden gem. Get in early to avoid disappointment!”

What customers do with the MPs once they own them is up to them.

“It just depends on your area of special interest,” the source advises. “If you are enjoying the opportunities that have been provided by the opening up of the public sector to privatisation than owning two MPs can really help boost your profits. Don’t want to spend money on expensive, imported chemicals and couldn’t care less what happens to the UK’s waterways because you live in a mansion on the Med? Get in!”

But critics of the move have said the sales will be on “false premises” because the recent scandal involving Owen Paterson proves that “Tory MPs are already in full ownership by special interests”.

To keep demand high though people purchasing MPs won’t have to list the acquisition with any official registry as “that boring accountability stuff is all pre-Brexit”. If you find yourself owning a pair though you will be encouraged to treat them like a small and pampered dog so they “don’t get restless and shit on the sofa or chew up your favourite slippers like Paterson did.”

NICE WORK IF YOU CAN GET IT : STUNNING STATISTICS TODAY FROM THE DEPARTMENT FOR WORK AND PENSIONS, FOLLOWING A FREEDOM REQUEST BY AN ANONYMOUS SOURCE.

The Source is said to have become concerned that Tory MPs were working too hard and many at risk of exhaustion. The concern resulted from the clearly baffled and disorientated interviews given by Tory meat shields of late.

“I figured it’s exhaustion,” the Source told LCD Views. “There’s a lot of problems facing the UK due solely to global supply chain issues and I figured the poor buggers never get a moments rest.”

But the Source discovered the opposite when they received the requested information.

“Most of them are officially listed as unemployed due to not working enough hours each week to qualify as being in employment,” the source explains. “Due to a quirk in our parliamentary system they still get paid. This leads to a lot of confusion. Most members of the public blithely assume their animated blue rosettes are working for their constituencies. This is most definitely not the case. MPs are too busy seeking additional means of income to focus on what is in theory their job.”

The misunderstanding has been made worse by Tory MPs reportedly having numerous jobs at the same time.

“None of them work an hour a week in any of the jobs,” the source says. “In spite of being paid tens of thousands of pounds per year. There’s a real fear that if a way is found to automate handing over a book of government contacts then the MPs will be entirely redundant. The system needs reform. They should be able to add all the hours they spend as lobbyists together and then they’ll be spared the shame of being listed as unemployed.”

In the interim the MPs are advised to apply for Universal Credit.

“You may as well get what you can,” the source shrugs. “How they’re expected to make ends meet on just £82K a year, with benefits, expenses and pension, is beyond me. Have you seen the rate of inflation lately!”

WELCOME TO THE MINISTRY OF TRUTH: The government has abandoned yet another parliamentary principle. This time the rule they have smashed apart is “never go full Orwell”. 

“War is peace. Freedom is slavery. Ignorance is strength.” And now these delicious statements are joined by “Corruption is honour”. 

In a time of deceit telling the truth is a revolutionary act. This latest statement, being both (internal) truth and (external) deceit, makes it a paradoxical tautology on a par with Brexit Means Brexit. 

For there is hardly an influential Conservative MP without fingers in many pies. Our right honourable friends are as corrupt as shit. Picture the covid crisis, for example. Watch as £37bn is spent, on apparently very little, right under the watchful eyes of the Clandestine Anti-Corruption Commander, who failed to notice his wife creaming off exorbitant sums of public money. Rejoice as Matt’s Mates are given squillions, ostensibly to obtain PPE but in fact to splash out on mansions. Cheer the well connected company which took government money to buy overpriced equipment which was never used, and instead stored it in its own facility, charging £1m per day for storage. 

All part of the loyal, patriotic, honorable business of diverting public money into private hands. 

Then let’s consider the entirely honourable business of paying MPs for favours. Owen Paterson was forced to resign not because he was “corrupt”, but did the dishonourable thing of being found out. 

There is no need to mention the fact that £3m is the going rate for a peerage these days. 

By simply redefining what woke lefties call corruption as honour, so many obstacles are removed from the path to Brexit nirvana. 

There is nothing wrong with using money and influence to gain more money and influence. This is why such business must be conducted using burner phones, which may then be “lost”, “broken”, or “given away”, according to the Lord Bethell List of Plausible Excuses. 

After all, what the eye does not see, the heart does not grieve over. 

LORDING IT OVER US: Another Brexit benefit has been discovered. Thanks to the reduction in EU red tape, the price of a seat in the House of Lords has been reduced to a cut-price £3m.

Those who say this devalues the peerage have been denounced as jealous moaning woke snowflakes, by people who also insist on civility in public life. 

“You don’t get something for nothing,” chided Justin Uffter-Livon, Number Ten’s special advisor on frequent parliamentary pay rises. “As we all know, the basic, and I use the word advisedly, salary for an MP is barely sufficient for sustaining the bare essentials.” 

That’s another issue. How can political influence be a commodity to be bought and sold in a modern democracy? 

“It is a reward for blameless and selfless work on behalf of the Conservative Party,” said Uffter-Livon. “And now, thanks to the elimination of EU red tape, we have removed any lefty obligations to demonstrate any kind of public service. This means that we can now deliver democracy at a very reasonable price!” 

Is interesting that “only” £3m is described as “very reasonable”. It is a price way beyond the means of most people. 

“I dispute that,” said Uffter-Livon. “In fact, there must be a device to ensure that the hoi polloi, the riff raff, the great unwashed, never threaten the Great British power structures. They are being excluded for their own good, so that the country may be rightly ruled by those sufficiently high skilled. Indeed, lowering the bar to just £3m has opened up the field to many more suitable candidates.”

Presumably the next logical step is to sponsor a Lord, and reduce Parliament to a franchise system paid for by the wealthy? 

“Great idea, thank you,” smirked Uffter-Livon. “Cash for questions? No, Money for Members. It’s the way backwards, I mean forwards.” 

Buy a Baron! Roll up, roll up! 

DIG DEEP AND CARRY ON : It’s been an undeniably bad week for the UK Prime Minister, with even The Daily Mail sensing profit in turning on him by the closing stages of play.

The trouble appears to centre on an alleged attempt to tear up the final vestiges of accountability and scrutiny. Which was going great guns until a wave of public nausea so severe 10 Downing Street was left “literally mopping out the spontaneous deluge of vomit”.

“We were just trying to infect all MPs with a sense of entitlement so strong anything goes,” a 10 Downing Street source tells LCD Views. “If you want to do something and you are capable of doing it, you should be able to do it. Foreign interests have spent vast sums to groom British MPs to believe that. Public interest be damned. Just look at Brexit. Titanic victory. Corruption has been a runaway success among Conservatives. Being born to office gives them a head start of course. We’ll take stock and try again. Admittedly the punishments for being caught redhanded are ridiculously light and we should just carry on with business as usual. But being told no really rankles men and women who’ve never heard the word.”

Others have said that the problem lies right at the top of government. The Prime Minister is the focus of numerous investigations into his conduct in office and if Downing Street was able to tear up the oversight of his actions then all those ridiculous inquiries could just be made to go away.

“We have to find a way to completely evade scrutiny,” the source goes on. “We got Brexit done by calling any sane and sensible questioning of its wisdom unpatriotic. So the trick appears to lie in working out how to label anyone saying MPs shouldn’t receive vast sums of money to lobby for corporate interests unpatriotic. Then all the PM’s troubles can just float away and we can become wealthy while struggling to survive on an MPs miserly salary.”

MAKE HAY WHILE THE SUN SHINES : 10 Downing Street is to drive forward with the advantage gained by its surprise win in the House of Commons yesterday by setting up a new Corruption Watchdog.

Westminster insiders had expected the Prime Minister to lay low for a few days after the stunning victory over those who foolishly believe MPs should be the advocates of the people who vote, and not large corporations, but their naivety is their undoing. The new watchdog will investigate corruption by MPs and act where necessary.

“And act swiftly,” a 10 Downing Street insider tells LCD Views. “Some MPs aren’t charging nearly enough to access to government. High profile elected representatives can find their earnings hamstrung by more junior members who aren’t pushing the envelope hard enough.”

To give the public confidence the new body will do what it says on the tin, it is rumoured that the PM has chosen a recognised expert in the field.

“Owen Paterson MP brings a wealth of experience to the field of being paid to lobby on behalf of corporate interests,” the source continues. “He was recently found guilty of gross corruption by a cross party parliamentary committee. That was essentially the interview process to select the right person to head up the Corruption task force. He will ensure all MPs get the right buck for their bang.”

It’s thought Mr Paterson’s unwillingness to accept the thirty day ban from the House was a key plank in his success. Had he just taken the slap on the wrist and carried on with business as usual he may have lost out.

“Entitlement is the only thing that matters when you’re elected to parliament. If you can perform an action you are right to do it. Mr Paterson embodies this innocent desire for self-gratification above all other considerations as fully as any other MP found guilty of corruption. He’s the right man for the job.”

And there will be no time to lose as Mr Paterson will have to investigate his first case immediately.

“His first job will be to investigate himself,” the source adds. “Was £300,000 the most he could have earned by virtue of his access to the ear of the executive? He will be ruthless in his calculation. His sponsors may find themselves with a backdated invoice!”

PAY PEANUTS…: The shocking fate of a Brexiter MP, an innocent public servant who has become the subject of a witch hunt by a cross party group of MPs, has led to an imagined recommendation from 10 Downing Street that MPs salaries rise to a minimum of one million pounds per year. A believable, but invented, leak has revealed.

It’s hoped the minor pay bump will defend stalwarts of representative democracy as they simply go about their job of paid advocacy for whoever pays them. In theory this is the public, but that is a naive and outdated perception which must be modernised. Public service can be the gateway to untold riches for mediocre individuals, and as such is an avenue of levelling up.

“One million pounds for annum will be the starting salary,” the leak explains. “This will have to be indexed to rise with inflation. MPs will receive performance bonuses on top of that, as is normal for any hardworking employee. There will be an additional pay increase if you are a Tory MP, as people expect you to earn additional income to meet rising living costs. Have you seen the cost of gas lately? Those stables don’t heat themselves! But former MPs, and especially former PMs, will be encouraged to capitalise on their brief stints in public service to make being an MP truly aspirational. This should encourage food bank freeloaders and UC layabouts to work harder.”

But critics of the initiative have said that they can’t see how paying public servants a massive salary will stop them seeking additional sources of revenue, outside of their expected parliamentary business.

“Those critics don’t understand how Brexit works,” a 10 Downing Street source commented. “Why did we have to leave the EU and all its red tape behind? This is what the people wanted. Now, aren’t you late for your indentured field work peasant?”

PAY TO PLAY : The wealthiest Tory MPs are in for a massive tax return today after completely fabricated reports said that 10 Downing Street is to make donations from foreign billionaires tax deductible.

Ever reliable, anonymous “sources” from inside the Executive began briefing pliant press mouthpieces that “tax efficient” changes were coming in order to “help complete the transformation from a liberal, representative democracy” into a total Kakistocracy.

The need for MPs to enrich themselves however possible while in office is seen as a key plank of post Brexit governance because “you never know when we’ll need to cut and run after trashing and asset stripping old Blighty”.

The tax deductible nature of the donations is also rumoured to include a special “you scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours” clause which means both the giver and the receiver can claim it.

“This is a completely democratic change which will see investment and sponsorship pour into Westminster in numbers that dwarf even the deluge from sanctioned oligarchs to Tories post 2010,” the leak asserts. “It’s all part of building back better bank balances while keeping the plebs distracted with frequent threats of war with France over a fish.”

To make the new changes truly inclusive the rebate will be valid regardless of the currency used to make a donation.

“We’ll also be allowing the cash value of gifts such as holidays and dinners to be claimed against an MPs salary,” the leak also reveals. “This means that the Exchequer will be writing cheques for hardworking MPs that more than compensate for the sterling work they’ve done transforming the U.K. food supply chains and water quality.”

The public is expected to play their part by shrugging and going to Spoons for a pint that is now 3p cheaper.