Category: Democracy

A man who must be unaware how much the public despises him has today announced his plot to become prime minister via an article in a tabloid newspaper.

”Experts tell me don’t try it, you’ll finish off the Conservative Party for good if you do,” the man told us during an interview conducted in a sewer pipe, “but who listens to experts? I think people have had quite enough of informed, fact based analysis. None of our policy is based on it and we’ve been getting away with murder for eight years now.”

The man may have a point, given the main policy agendas currently guiding the country and the fact no one is rioting.

”The Tories are dying slowly anyway, which is nothing at all to do with my time in government,” the man added, “even if my own father has described me as a liar.”

As part of the man’s plot he sees himself knifing placeholder prime minister, artificial life form Maybot, in the primary circuit and assuming control just a minute after midnight descends forever on the United Kingdom with Brexit.

”No one will blame me,” the man said, displaying a depth of self delusion only possible if someone lives in a sewer pipe surrounded by their policy ideas, “and I’ll reign as lord of the flies at Rupert’s pleasure until we rebrand ourselves with that cuddly woman from the north. Then I’ll become a Lord. Lord Toad of Toad Hall has a nice ring to it.”

But does the would be Lord Toad see any obstacles in the way of a plan which on the surface is seamless?

”Mass outbreak of sanity?” he replied, “but I’m confident the good people of the United Kingdom have had quite enough of that too.”

Let’s wait and see on that score. Ireland has just shown us all it’s possible to vote overwhelmingly for a progressive agenda, even in a referendum.

UKIP MEP Gerry Mandarin has slammed opponents of Brexit for subverting democracy. Obstructing the path of negotiation and poisoning every debate is, he says, UKIP’s raison d’etre.

“We piss in the water and shit in the bed,” claimed Mandarin, flushing slightly. “It’s what we do. We in UKIP have been trying to debate the real issues for years, but the Germans keep blocking us. What about the EU’s internal problems? Every time UKIP raises the issue, the bloody Krauts change the subject. The EU is undemocratic, inefficient and corrupt. We think it isn’t undemocratic, inefficient and corrupt enough!”

Mandarin paused to mop his brow, his florid face increasingly resembling a juicy gammon steak sizzling on a barbecue.

“I have personally dedicated 23 years of my life to bringing about Brexit,” he bragged. “And it’s all going wrong. Of course we have a plan. It’s to leave, asap. It’s that easy. These lefty types, trying to inject a little reality into the process, have missed the point. They lost, they should shut up and leave the subversion to the experts.”

It was quite easy to imagine a ring of pineapple and a fried egg on Mandarin’s face at this point.

“Of course, Brexit means UKIP has achieved its principal objective,” Mandarin continued. “But we are still unhappy about everything. The party will be renamed the We Are Still Upset Party, or WASUP. Party members will greet one another by saying ‘WASUP?!’ and then complain bitterly about not getting their own way about everything. I promise you that playthings will continue to be ejected from the perambulator for some time to come.”

A pint of best bitter. A dab of English mustard.

“I work very hard at avoiding any real work,” Mandarin concluded. “Coz it’s the EU innit, and we want out. I did do my bit in the referendum though. I volunteered to fill in thousands of proxy votes and stuffed the ballot box. I always do my bit for democracy.”

Only one question remains to be asked: Do you want chips, mash or a jacket potato with that?

Recent studies from the University of Shambles, Westminster campus, suggest that Queen Elizabeth II’s famous EU hat has proven to be a stronger opposition to Brexit than the leader of the official opposition.

”It’s a bit of a surprise,” Professor Noshit Sherlock told us, “well, it is to some Momentum members. It’s not to anyone paying attention. To be frank myself and my colleagues should be focused solely on climate change and other social justice issues. Not on publishing mocking rants against the lock stock swindle of U.K. plc by modern fascists.”

But is there any realistic possibility of the Queen’s EU hat challenging the old Bennite Brexiter for leadership of the Labour Party?

”It couldn’t do a worse job faced with the most toxic, shambolic, embarrassing and cruel Tory administration anyone can remember. It consistently polls ahead of both May and Corbyn as preferred prime minister.”

It’s believed on the back of these revelations that certain yellow Tory shill Blairite scum are looking to form a party and have approached the hat to see if it will consider being leader.

”It has a mass of material to challenge the government with. When you consider the mass loss of investment, jobs, relevance, respect, the way Brexit has emboldened racists and made the U.K. a global laughing stock, the emerging revelations of criminality in the Brexit campaigns and the way they likely tie to senior serving cabinet ministers, the hat is going to be in Downing Street by mid summer on an anti-Brexit, jobs first agenda.”

If the cap fits?

”The UK will wear it.”

New members of the House of Lords are to be chosen on the same basis as audience members for Question Time. Carefully selected plants, who will say what they are told to say, will prevent further embarrassment to the government.

Question Time has rigorously trialled this approach. Subversives, traitors and enemies of the people can be weeded out before they can engage in debate.

“The rebellious Lords need to be controlled,” said reformer Sir Rees Mogg-Jacob. “How dare they contradict the will of the ERG! Sorry, I mean the will of the people, of course. That’s not what the Lords is for. They should simply be a quirky anachronism, like the Royal Family.”

The BBC reacted angrily. “The Question Time audience is always a fair cross-section of society,” claimed toady Picton Utter. “We always ensure that all points of view, from ‘get over it’ to ‘get on with it’ are covered.”

However, independent commentators are not convinced. Especially as one of the proposed new Lords, Lord Soames, perfectly fits the profile of an angry, overprivileged, entitled gammon.

“The unelected Lords are a travesty of democracy!” claims Mogg-Jacob, whose knighthood was confirmed earlier in the week. “The least that can be done is to ensure safe passage of the right sort of legislation.” Pressed on what he believes to be the “right sort of legislation”, his lordship replies, “Anything I agree with, of course.”

Is this all part of a concerted attempt to make the modern world less stressful? After all, if we all just agreed that Brexit means Brexit and stopped moaning about it, we would all feel much better.

To help with this transition, what’s left of the NHS is offering surgery to replace overworked brain tissue with cured and salted pork.

And if anyone still disagrees, there is plenty of space for saboteurs in the Tower of London.

The new kid on the block of British politics, Don’t Know, is expected to announce shortly they are to form a new centre left political party and challenge both of the old, dog tired, useless in the face of hard right racketeering parties.

We spoke to Don’t Know in an exclusive interview to find out more about their plans and vision for the U.K.

”You weren’t followed, were you?” Don’t Know asked, without even saying hello.

”We’re in my office,” our reporter replied, “and I haven’t left the house in a week due to a Netflix binge, so I doubt it. What about you?”

Don’t Know nodded and accepted the offered seat.

”I’m followed all over,” they said, “sometimes it feels like nearly half the country is right behind me. Other days less.”

Is this why you’re forming your own political party and challenging the two old parties who both claim to be up to the job of protecting Britain from foreign interference in our democratic process, while simultaneously promoting one of the pet projects of malicious external actors?

”That, and the fact I’m bloody popular. I’ve been outpolling that old shovel Corbs for months even once you allow for polling errors and I’m breathing down the Maybot’s neck. Which isn’t hard to do of course. Or shouldn’t be. What the hell is Corbyn up to? The long game?”

Don’t Know pauses to shake their head, before going on,

“Now is the time to push forward and capture the mass of swing voters who are looking for an honest broker.”

You’re not worried power will corrupt?

”Yes of course I am. And I’m bloody keen to test my character from the big chair at 10 Downing Street.”

I don’t suppose you could do worse than the AI system already there.

”Oh, I wouldn’t be so sure. Conditions are ripening in the U.K. for a new populist with charisma to sweep the board, as people realise the old hands aren’t up to the job. I may not be as nice as you hope.”

You’re not really selling yourself to me.

”You wait until I’m polling over 50% and ride down Pall Mall on an actual unicorn. Indecision will vanish in a flash. And besides I might just be the shot in the ass both main parties are looking for to decide to back a leader who can beat Don’t Know hands down.”

Rather than leaders who frame the national debacle currently going on and are making things worse week by week?

”I was going to end with I don’t know about you, but now you’ve spoiled it.”

I don’t know how?

”I do. I’m a more important indicator of what’s happening in our politics than most people think.”

INT    KEIR STARMER’S OFFICE DAWN

A big wooden desk with a green leather top. The dawn’s first rays push through a crack in the curtains and drift across it. Dust motes dance in those.

We can hear a turntable’s needle bump, bump, bump. It’s reached the end of the record. Jumping in one rut over and over. The music over.

The sunlight hits a crystal decanter on the desk and creates a prism which fills our eyes now and then as we circle around. It’s all slow, slow motion.

The top is off the decanter. It has a drop or two of amber liquid left inside.

KEIR STARMER sits with his back to the light. We can’t see his face. He’s in shadow.

But we see his hand as it reaches for the decanter. Light bouncing off the gold ring. The well manicured nails. The cuff of a well tailored suit jacket. The pristine white shirt.

The hand takes hold of the decanter. The springs and leather of his chair creak as he tilts his head back.

KEIR STARMER (giggling)

I must not undermine the leader. Those who undermine the leader will be deselected.

He raises that crystal bottle high and tilts.

CLOSE ON

The last drops of liquid as they fall slowly through a sun beam and into the shadow.

Give the bottle a shake. There’s nothing left.

KEIR STARMER (we don’t see his face yet)

Screw it. Just screw it all.

A door opens on the other side of the room just as KEIR STARMER puts the bottle to his mouth and tries to play a tune by blowing inside it.

A youngish man enters. STARMER’S HANDLER. He’s dressed in a Chairman Mao suit. He is attempting to grow a Lenin beard, but it’s all wispy. He has a red book in his hand.

STARMER’S HANDLER

Comrade Starmer. It’s time.

KEIR STARMER (slurred)

I’ll do it. I want to do it. I believe it’s right to do it. The people have decided. It doesn’t matter that it’s complete economic insanity. Hardship builds character.

The young man advances to the table. He’s fast.

STARMER’S HANDLER

Show me your wrists Comrade Starmer. Put out your hands.

KEIR STARMER

I am not wearing those capitalist cufflinks. I am good. I am doing good. I’m wearing the red star ones John gave me. I will never undermine the leader. I am not wrong thinking like Owen. I am not bad like Chuka.

STARMER’S HANDLER

Show me your wrists or I’ll take you to the basement and the hose.

Now for the first time we see KEIR STARMER fully.

A flash of terrified eyes.

He lurches out of his chair and stumbles to the window. Draws the curtains back fully.

He begins to fumble at the latch on the window. He’s too drunk. He can’t work it.

STARMER’S HANDLER puts a whistle to his lips and blows. One fast shrill blast.

KEIR STARMER freezes. Then shivers. Then tries to open the latch again.

KEIR STARMER

I just need some air. I just need a little air.

STARMER’S HANDLER

If I have to blow the whistle again it means you’re very, very naughty. Jeremy and John are waiting to hear you tell the Today programme why we have to leave the single market. John Humphrys will tell you that is the right thing to do because the people had a vote. Once. We can not be late.

KEIR STARMER grows still.

He turns. He offers a hand to the young man, simultaneously tugging at his coat cuff to cover the cufflink at the wrist.

STARMER’S HANDLER smiles. He takes KEIR STARMER by the wrist and begins to lead him from the room.

STARMER’S HANDLER

Be a good comrade Keir.

KEIR STARMER

After the BBC interview can we get some brekkie?

STARMER’S HANDLER

If you say the right things.

KEIR STARMER

Good. I am so very hungry. Can I have some bacon?

STARMER’S HANDLER

Comrade Keir, you know the leader decides what the people eat for breakfast. I believe today it’s jam, but only after study.

STARMER’S HANDLER stops. He examines KEIR STARMER’S wrist.

CLOSE ON

A cufflink with the flag of the European Union.

The two men lock eyes. KEIR STARMER shakes his head.

KEIR STARMER

No. No. No. I didn’t do it. A yellow tory Blairite shill must have snuck in and done it while I slept. Please. Don’t tell the messiah! He’ll tell me I’m a naughty boy!

STARMER’S HANDLER releases him and puts his whistle to his lips.

STARMER’S HANDLER

This is a serious breach of right thinking.

KEIR STARMER runs for the window.

KEIR STARMER’S HANDLER holds the whistle to his lips.

KEIR STARMER’S HANDLER

This is a 43A-i subsection three (whistle blast), chapter 9 (whistle blast), paragraph 37(whistle blast), bullet point 2904 (whistle blast), category blue (whistle blast), violation.

EXT    KEIR STARMER’S OFFICE – CONTINUOUS

We stand facing the window. Looking inside as KEIR STARMER fumbles and curses at the latch inside.

We can just hear the whistle blowing, blowing.

Hands. So many hands begin to cover KEIR STARMER. They drag him away from the window. The curtain slowly closes.

END SCENE

 

 

LCD Views is proud to announce today that in partnership with WTACTUALF Press we have launched a handy new picture book to explain the lifecycle of a stubborn domestic pest infecting our politics.

“It’s the Mikey Takethe Mikey Goveoverus,” Gary, author of the book explains at a star studded launch this morning in Mayfair attended by all of the MSM. Well some of it. Okay. None of it. And it wasn’t in Mayfair.

“It’s to be found in most homes most days,” Gary says, “most domestic pests generally enter through gaps in the skirting boards or the flooring, maybe a window or door left open, but the Mikey gets in through both the television and any functioning radio left on too long.

They are spawned by the people of Surrey Heath who perplexingly keep creating the perfect breeding conditions. From there it spreads across the entirety of the United Kingdom.”

While the latin name is rather long, the common name is just Gove.

“It’s more pernicious than ash dieback, the grey squirrel, those little crayfish in the Thames or even crabs,” Gary adds, “its chief damage is caused through lying and a sociopathic self-interest which leads to a rot in democratic accountability. It’s very pernicious. Very good at spawning itself anew. If its favoured food source is unavailable it will often feed off a very common food source found all over, the Murdoch press (not a tree, but too many have died for it) until it’s ready to breed again.”

But what to do about it?

“Well once Gove gets passed the cocoon stage to the flying monkey from Wizard of Oz it’s severe and hard to treat. The best bet is to not vote for it again when it is in the larval stage.

Once at the flying monkey stage it will choose a larger host to lay its eggs in, like a governing cabinet or a Boris Johnson and then we’re really in for it for four or five years until the lifecycle runs its course again.”

Are there any steps that can be taken by ordinary people to prevent its spread?

“Yes. You could try going to Surrey Heath and asking them wtf they are thinking the next time a general election is called. Probably as soon as June or July.”

The picture book is free with all editions of LCD Views and won’t be found at newsagents or off licenses, but at all good Facebook, Twitter and a web outlet. Together we can take back control and eradicate this invasive pest from our politics. We can do it.

Baffled British Prime Minister, Theresa May, has divided her most loathed piece of furniture, her cabinet, into the short planks and the nuts which comprise it in order to put it back together again and hope it’s more stable.

”She hates her cabinet,” Downing Street insider, Mr Spoon, told LCD Views during a private tour of the building, “we don’t have long. She has to genuflect before Paul Dacre later. So let’s show you the two piles she’s made before she comes back from praying for divine inspiration.”

We moved swiftly down the corridor, attempting not to notice the rank smell pervading everywhere, and failing.

”Don’t worry about the stench. We need to open some windows and air out.”

Is it the Thames?

”It’s customs union policies. They’re all rotten. And whatever you do don’t open the door marked ‘80% of the U.K.’s economy’. You’ll throw up, which won’t help the atmosphere at all.”

What’s behind that door?

”Oh, the determination to pull the U.K. out of the single market to keep the gammon happy. But lucky for us Jeremy ‘principles’ Corbyn is backing May on that one. If you work out why, given the clear loss of potentially 100,000’s of jobs that entails, please tell me why privately.”

We continued past a hessian sack. It was massive. Big enough to easily fit about twenty people in. And it was moving and writhing and groaning.

What’s in the massive sack? Is that where you’re keeping Boris?

“Don’t be silly. Boris is on top of the nut pile. David Davis is on top of the short planks. The sack is all the civil servants we’re keeping prisoner in the hope of them getting Stockholm Syndrome like the rest of us.”

When does May plan on putting the short planks and the nuts back together?

”She’ll put it off as long as possible. She’s playing for time.”

That’s a commodity she’s fast running out of.

”That’s the key to a successful Brexit. No solutions. A giant crash heard all over the world. Anything less no modern British prime minister in the pocket of asset strippers could possibly sign up to.”

We entered the room where the short planks were stacked and the nuts dumped in a pile.

We were shocked. The leader of the Labour Party was there too, in between the piles.

What’s Jeremy Corbyn doing in between the piles?

”Good bloody question. No one can work it out. But whatever you do don’t ask why Labour allegedly handed all its voter details to Leave EU after Corbyn became leader and before the ref in 2016. His presence here is our glue. Without it we may never get the cabinet to stick back together, or make a success of Brexit.”

Lovers of democracy were dancing around the unmoved statue of Oliver Cromwell on Westminster Green today with the announcement from government that the United Kingdom is to be renamed ‘The Democratic People’s Republic of England’ after Brexit.

“You think the Irish Border is a pickle,” senior cabinet minister, Mr Bumble Fumble, MP for Fumbling-on-Hye, told us, “wait until we have to work out where to put the border between ‘The Democratic People’s Republic of England’ and the Cornish Free Fishing State. My personal preference is across Bodmin Moor with a customs checkpoint on the A30, where it goes under that overpass and everyone despairs about traffic jams.”

But dispute has reportedly apparently broken out in cabinet over why the government has chosen “the” and not “a” for the start of the name.

“Well, there are many democratic people’s republics on the map, but there will only be one with England in the name. So the definite article is best. We know old Corbs is suggesting the indefinite, but that’s a fudge. We need a strong and stable name for the post union United Kingdom.”

Other issues, relating to the Welsh and Scottish borders are yet to be resolved, with the cabinet being unwilling to allow Scotland in particular to break away from the union.

“We need their resources,” Mr Bumble told us, “have you seen the absolutely mad way they’re going after building renewable energy supplies while May has us trying to frack the crap out of people’s back yards south of the wall? Very short sighted of the Scots. We’ll be having those windmills and Archimedes screws and what not and laughing as their lights go out.”

A new flag is also on the way with the designers believed to be settling on a picture of a piece of gammon being bashed by a heavy set, thick, white English man’s forehead.

“I’m against the flag. It’s a travesty,” Mr Bumble adds, “it doesn’t feature any images of island paradise tax havens. Given that war with Scotland, building a wall with Scotland, and allowing easy legitimisation of kleptocratic wealth via our overseas territories channeled with shell companies into the London property market is the only economic plan, it’s a bit bloody rich not to stick a desert island with a palm tree on the flag.”

More details of how the new post Brexit country will be organised will be revealed as cabinet settles on the details.

“I can tell you that rabble rousers like your little rag will be closed down,” Mr Bumble smiles, “but the BBC is staying put. It’ll just be moved into the oversight of the Ministry of Propaganda to help make a success of The Democratic People’s Republic of England.”

We asked Jeremy Corbyn for comment but he abstained, which shows he knows exactly how the official opposition will continue to operate in the DPRE, whoever is pretending to be in charge.

Fearless leader of something Jeremy Corbyn is to revise his well known call for a ‘Jobs First Brexit’ to calling for a ‘Yobs First Brexit’ now everyone can see the jobs first one was nonsense.

“It’ll catch the government completely off guard,” E T told LCD Views, “May is still babbling away on a Brexit that works for everybody. What a clown.

Surely she’s learned from the local election results that you can’t try and please everyone. You’ve got to identify the most credulous section of the voting demographic and squabble like mad over that one while everyone else looks on and starts voting for someone else.”

In what manner are they looking on?

”Despair. Frustration. Rage. Complete disbelief at the cynicism of both major parity leaderships. Impatience. And so on. It’s a long list.”

But why the change from a jobs first Brexit? It’s really catchy!

”Its because it’s rapidly dawning on the entire U.K., excepting the bigots and faith based, that under Labour’s plan of fence sitting and hedging our bets, rather than tearing the useless, shambolic and cruel Tories out of office by full throttle opposition to Brexit, that jobs first Brexit is the one where the jobs all go and then we Brexit. It’s a casserole of nonsense. It’s pretty much Tory hard Brexit. So we’ve switched so people can see a real alternative.”

Why the yobs first?

”Because they’re the only ones who are going to be pleased by Brexit now whatever shape it is in. As long as they get to kick out some foreigners they’ll be happy. Even if they’re starving thanks to inflation and the NHS has collapsed.”

This all sounds promising. Jezza really tore into May yesterday too.

”Yeah that’s how we roll. We please Leavers one day with some statement of utter economic idiocy and then we flip the next to reassure the remainers. You can see by the local election results that it’s really starting to pay off.”

So you’re not worried about losing millions of jobs by helping deliver any Brexit?

”No. We’ll get government on the chaos and then there will be proper, full employment instantly.”

How will you manage that if pulling our of the EU destroys millions of jobs?

”We’ll make everyone a state employee. It’s a genius plan.”

The yobs will be thrilled.

”Yes. Someone is going to have to pick the fruit and wipe the bums. It’s not going to be the politburo!”

Hmm. What about just use Brexit, the screaming wound in the Tory party, to force them out of office now. You can do all your nationalisation stuff in the EU, just so you know.

“Yes, but don’t tell anyone that or they might call for a change in leadership.”

Dont worry, Corbyn carries on offering everyone cake and not taking apart a government torn at the seams and he’ll manage that all on his own. Which is a shame really, because things could have been so different.