New members of the House of Lords are to be chosen on the same basis as audience members for Question Time. Carefully selected plants, who will say what they are told to say, will prevent further embarrassment to the government.
Question Time has rigorously trialled this approach. Subversives, traitors and enemies of the people can be weeded out before they can engage in debate.
“The rebellious Lords need to be controlled,” said reformer Sir Rees Mogg-Jacob. “How dare they contradict the will of the ERG! Sorry, I mean the will of the people, of course. That’s not what the Lords is for. They should simply be a quirky anachronism, like the Royal Family.”
The BBC reacted angrily. “The Question Time audience is always a fair cross-section of society,” claimed toady Picton Utter. “We always ensure that all points of view, from ‘get over it’ to ‘get on with it’ are covered.”
However, independent commentators are not convinced. Especially as one of the proposed new Lords, Lord Soames, perfectly fits the profile of an angry, overprivileged, entitled gammon.
“The unelected Lords are a travesty of democracy!” claims Mogg-Jacob, whose knighthood was confirmed earlier in the week. “The least that can be done is to ensure safe passage of the right sort of legislation.” Pressed on what he believes to be the “right sort of legislation”, his lordship replies, “Anything I agree with, of course.”
Is this all part of a concerted attempt to make the modern world less stressful? After all, if we all just agreed that Brexit means Brexit and stopped moaning about it, we would all feel much better.
To help with this transition, what’s left of the NHS is offering surgery to replace overworked brain tissue with cured and salted pork.
And if anyone still disagrees, there is plenty of space for saboteurs in the Tower of London.