Category: Brexit

LCD Views has hit the streets today and found them to be hard and unforgiving under our fist, even the ones with potholes. That being a futile exercise we decided to locate and talk to a Brexit voter to see what they have to say about the news of “technical notices” in the pipeline for voters.

”I won’t read them,” Mr K Ipper told us directly, “what’s the point?”

Apparently the point is to prepare you for the looming no deal Brexit scenario.

”I don’t need to prepare to get my country back.”

You’re going to be advised to stockpile food.

”That’s project fear.”

You’re going to be advised to stockpile candles.

”So? The lights went out all the time when I was young and it did no harm. It’ll force people to play board games again. Bring back a sense of community that’s been ripped from our homes by the unelected, undemocratic superstate EU.”

Stockpiling medicines you need and fuel?

”You ought to have a little faith in Britain and Brexit.”

Faith won’t cut through the mountain of treaties, legal obligations and so forth no deal Brexit is going to smash, thus rendering the U.K. at the stroke of a big hand on Big Ben isolated and underfed.

”Look you remoaniac, I always knew that when I voted Leave I was voting to stockpile long life food, medicines that control my otherwise life threatening medical condition and heating fuel. But it’s a price worth paying. You want to get behind Brexit and push.”

We went back to hitting the road. That activity, combined with slamming our head repeatedly into a brick wall, suddenly seeming less futile than talking to Mr K Ipper.

People who have plans involving food for 2019 are being advised to change them after recent government victories in the House of Commons.

”There’s no rush,” Doctor Starve, a senior fellow at the University of Paying Attention, told LCD Views.

We spoke to the Doctor while enjoying a smashed avocado breakfast served on sourdough bread baked early this morning, topped with triple poached eggs, slathered in bearnaise sauce and accompanied by a side of pulled grapefruit.

”People should not panic,” Starve went on, “unless they were planning traditional celebrations in 2019 such as birthday or dinner parties. Picnics. Oh, and breakfast, lunch and dinner.”

The Doctor went on to say that it’s advisable to start your panic buying early in 2019.

”Beat the rush,” he advises, “order your storage containers now but wait until late February to start stockpiling pasta, tinned meats and fruits. Oh and get a Parmesan wheel.”

Why a Parmesan wheel?

”If there are widespread fires following on fast, as the ration queues disintegrate into rioting and looting, and you feel the need to flee your home and take sanctuary with a distant relative in a sheltered rural area, you can bury the cheese.”

Ah, just like Pepys?

”Yes.”

But why issue the advice at all?

”The ERG now run the United Kingdom,” Doctor Starve shrugged, “zealots with religious fervour for Brexit who will see anything short of hard Brexit as failure of purity? Do you think they’re going to give a damn if you go hungry?”

They probably think it will build up people’s moral fibre, or some such lunacy.

”Quite. Oh, and they’ve all got second homes in the EU. So why you’re at home scrabbling with a ten year old over a bit of cat they’ll be merrily asset stripping the U.K. from a chateaux across the channel.”

But surely this is all a bit extreme? The government and official opposition could not be so incompetent as to actually allow the United Kingdom to crash out of the EU and disrupt our food supplies so seriously?

”I can tell you haven’t done a PHD in paying attention,” the Doctor smirked, “but then experts, who needs them? Shall we order more grapefruit?”

No. I’ve lost my appetite.

”Now that’s a phrase you won’t hear after we crash out of the EU next year.”

A spokestrooper for the influential parliamentary group the ERG has confirmed the group’s special calendar for 2019 has been correctly printed to reflect U.K. going back in time.

”1939 is where we want Britain in 2019,” Lodaf Thiler 2nd told LCD Views, “with the exciting possibilities of a no deal Brexit within grasp we felt it time to stamp a boot down to signify where the country is headed with our strangulation of the executive. And we all know what happened in 1939. A fantastic year for nationalism in Europe. We aim to emulate that so closely you’d think you were in a time machine.”

Aside from the revealing date, other features inside the calendar give subjects of Britannia a heads up on where they are taking us.

”Inspirational figures from the first half of twentieth century history have their birthdays celebrated,” Thiler trills, “Mussolini, Hitler, Moseley and so on. Oh and Spode. Oh and Stalin as a nod to one of our key overseas supporters.”

Also in the calendar will be strong dates that the ERG have identified through occult means as the best for copulation and conceiving a proper patriot child.

”Don’t waste the seed of the master race,” Thiler warns, “we need to breed, breed and breed to ensure the future population of the United Kingdom is the right one. Then we need to get most of them sacrificed for the glory of all. Certain groups will be sterilised to ensure the gene pool is pure though. As gene pools of superior populations have remained down through the millennia.”

Copies of the calendar will be made available and at a knock down price.

”Each day of 1939 is going to cost the public purse a pretty penny in lost tax revenue. To make up for this we’re going to forcibly seize the assets of families whose knees aren’t proper British knees and use those funds to give the calendars out for free to everyone.”

Any other advice?

”Yes. More to do with knees. Get on them and practise staying on them. It’s where the ERG fathers of the UK’s future want all of you, each and everyone.”

A special episode of classic radio comedy panel game “I’m Sorry I Haven’t A Clue” was aired last night, featuring a very unusual guest performer – Theresa May.

The Prime Minister (or possibly ex-Prime Minister, if you’re listening to the Sunday repeat) appeared alongside regular panellist Tim Brooke-Taylor, opposite Barry Cryer and Graeme Garden, with Jack Dee in the chair.

Things got off to a shaky start when Mrs May began by doing the welcome announcement, and Jack Dee had to cut her off.

It turned out that she hadn’t read the details of the booking, and believed herself to be the chair, in what has to be the funniest conceptual misunderstanding by a guest on a comedy panel game since Stan Boardman appeared on “Act Your Age” a decade previously.

Jack Dee then did his opening preamble with the usual jokes about the location they were recording from, and then introduced the teams, adding, “Theresa was originally scheduled to appear on Just A Minute, until it was explained that to do well at that game you have to talk without hesitation, deviation or repetition. So she ended up on this show instead. Oh well, their gain is our loss.”

In the first round, Uxbridge English Dictionary, which brings funny new definitions to existing words (such as Stephen Fry’s memorable one, “countryside – to kill Piers Morgan”), she started off proceedings by saying “Brexit – Brexit” – which was met with a stony silence. It was only when Tim Brooke-Taylor jumped in and said, “Omnishambles – Brexit” that the audience started laughing.

In the round called One Song To The Tune Of Another, Jack explained the simple concept with the usual complex analogy, but it was Mrs May who stared at him blankly and kept asking him to explain in more detail, until eventually Jack suggested she listen to the other panellists doing it.

At this point Mrs May asked what he meant by her listening to other people.

In the end, after hearing Barry Cryer singing the word of the theme from Cheers to the tune of House Of The Rising Sun, Graeme Garden singing YMCA to the tune of Batman, and Tim-Brooke Taylor singing the words of Hanky-Panky to the tune of Jerusalem, she eventually sang There’ll Always Be An England to the tune of There’ll Always Be An England, and was disqualified.

The next round, Sound Charades, caused yet more problems when she thought they were playing actual silent charades, and so was miming on the radio.

Tim ended up doing a running commentary of her gestures as Barry and Graeme struggled to guess. In the end they couldn’t identify Great Expectations, which she mimed by just looking smug.

She completely failed to guess the other team’s easy spoken charade of Home Alone, where using their Hamish & Dougal personas, Barry and Graeme talked about “child gangster Bugsy has changed his first name to a piece of gardening equipment”. Fortunately Tim got it in time.

In the round called Mornington Crescent, where players basically do moves between various locations in London, they took advantage of the EU Health & Safety protocols to play the Brussels-approved version.

Mrs May stuck to saying 10 Downing Street, Westminster and Chequers, and incurred several penalties for employing the wrong diagonal as per the EU protocols. Mrs May protested that they don’t need any health & safety protocols from the EU, but that didn’t stop her losing the game as Graeme Garden triumphantly called out “Mornington Crescent” after her final call of Downing Street.

Then came word for word, in which teams exchanged words with no connection. Tim and Theresa actually did well on this one, mainly thanks to Tim’s countering Theresa’s offerings of “strong” with “stable” and “honest” with “conservative”. At no point could Barry or Graeme make any claim of connection between any two adjacent words, so Tim and Theresa took the whole round.

The show typically ends with a round of themed song, book or film titles, and this week they did “Naughty Songbook”. Mrs May’s only offerings was “Fields Of Wheat”, and she looked completely blank when Barry asked her, if that was by Rees Moggy Mogg.

And that was it. As Jack said the farewells, he added a special apology:

“To everyone in the audience here and all those listening at home, we’re sorry, she hasn’t a clue.”

LCD Views is pleased to launch another update to our bestselling global bestselling digital guide to life post Brexit with the reckless flinging at social media of “Bring home the bacon”.

In this timely update we focus on sourcing food locally, once the government stockpile of tinned ham and beans is exhausted on day three, post the United Kingdom’s triumphant departure from stable food supply lines.

”You can start before Brexit if you want,” the author says, “but cannibalism will probably only be legalised after the article 50 notification time period is exhausted and the civilised society collapses into a murderous shambles.”

In the guide you will find advice on tracking, hunting into exhaustion and finally eating raw, or twice cooked, gammon.

”Pulled gammon will also be on the menu,” the author advises, “so the hipster pop up food outlets needn’t worry about a lack of possibilities as we embrace the buccaneering future of first rioting and then hunting each other to stay alive. This is democracy at work.”

Use of tinned food for both offensive and defensive purposes is also covered.

“Beans used to be solely offensive, by way of wind, but after Brexit that gas will be a coveted source of heating fuel,

“But remember, you can also model protective vests out of the lids of bean cans. Shine them up and sparkle in the sunlight from the hill top you have chosen to fortify as prehistorical lifestyles return to favour with a passion bordering on the hysterical.”

As to how to find the gammon, the guide says that will be very easy.

”Their migratory patterns take them from Wetherspoons pubs to EDL marches. Just track them and startle them into running with photos of ethnically diverse social gatherings. If you happen upon the more aggressive ones, let them chase you to a prepared ambush spot where your clan waits armed with sharpened stakes to poke the pigs.”

Staying alive won’t be easy after Brexit, but it will be possible once you learn how to bring home the bacon. You might even find you get a taste for it.

Brexit-loving England fans have become conflicted after discovering that Croatians carry blue passports. So much so that some of them are actually supporting Croatia this evening.

Government outrage over the revelation has given Theresa May another headache. Michael Gove is threatening to resign over the issue. “It’s cultural appropriation, that’s what it is!” he drooled. “The British invented blue passports before anybody else!”

LCD Views spoke to erstwhile England fan Marcus Absent about the passport problem.

“I voted to Leave, and Leave means Leave!” he spluttered. “We want our country back, we want to take back control, but most of all we want blue passports! As soon as I found out that the Croatians had blue passports I just had to start supporting them.”

That’s not very patriotic, we ventured.

“Blue passports are more important than anything else!” shouted Absent. “I don’t care if the country goes down the pan like one of Boris’ turds, so long as I have a blue passport!”

Back in Westminster, Michael Gove was spitting feathers.

“I can’t believe that an upstart Johnny come lately shithole country like Croatia can have the blue passports the EU denies us!” he bibbled. “The UK has been a rule-taker for far too long. I’m seriously considering resigning over the matter. It’s the principle. You can’t argue with democracy!”

Amid the fuss, a football match is going on. Many fans are looking forward to their first semi in ages. Many of their wives are hoping that brewer’s droop will save the day.

Nobody is wishing to predict the outcome. England have the advantage of a magic waistcoat, but the disadvantage that they have nobody on the left wing. Not even Jeremy Corbyn.

Football is definitely coming home. Wherever home may be. It was born in the UK but has long since emigrated. Let us hope that football carries a blue passport.

Forget copper! Forget tin! Cornwall has beans!

The authorities are being urged to act swiftly to prevent mass tailbacks on that little tiny road built two thousand years ago, that is the only way into Cornwall (unless you’re a pirate or a bird), as the cries of “Gold!”, followed by “I means Heinz!”, sees thousands of starving prospectors break down the barricades on the M25 to break free of rationing in the capital and flood to the southwest, hoping to strike post Brexit gold. Whereas once they used to come to buy second homes, outprice the local people, and occasionally rent the property to people on AirBnB.

”It’s a beans rush like I’ve never seen before,” David Davis, retired public servant, and now prospecting tool supplier, told LCD Views,

“when I retired from decades of hard graft serving the British people with every fibre of my little finger and decided to open an ice pick axe and chocolate teapot shop in Penzance people told me I was insane,

“Well, who’s laughing now? I’m selling pick axes as fast as I can freeze them! I’m rich I tells ya! Rich! And I’m not even having to get out into the hills and valleys getting my hands dirty to do it. Yippee!”

And it seems the former Secretary of State for Executing the U.K. is not the only one cashing in as the great British gold rush roars into life in the southwest.

Every day thousands of Londoners are quietly stepping out of the queues, waiting for their share of airdropped EU aid, and hurrying to get into the rush to tear about the cliff faces and river beds of a region once languishing in the dying throes of a fishing industry finished off when patriot Nigel Farage caught the last fish in Cornish waters.

”Fortunes are being made thanks to Brexit now,” David Davis said, “just like I predicted. Only I never thought it would be food mining because I never thought.”

Asked for reaction to the gold rush, semi-retired botanist Jeremy Corbyn called for Cornwall to be nationalised, before drifting off into another of his celebrated naps.

Go southwest my son! You never know your luck! You might even get to eat!

”The call used to be get behind Brexit and push,” Davis added, “but now it’s pick up a pick axe and you might just eat!”

Details of the latest EU trade deal that Theresa May is trying to believe in are emerging. Rumours have it that goods have been included, but not services.

May’s spokesman, Max Fack, explains.

“The problem is the language barrier,” claimed Fack. “Our services use the Book of Common Prayer. It’s in English because we are Anglicans. Johnny Foreigner won’t be able to understand, bless him, so we wanted to conduct services in Latin. Unfortunately, the Church of England refused to cooperate.”

Isn’t Latin a bit out of date? And isn’t English a lingua franca in any case?

“Lingua franca?” said Fack, puzzled. “Does he play for Italy?”

It means a common tongue, originally applied to a European trading language.

“Oh, like Latin, then,” said a relieved Fack. “I bet the backward Europeans still use it!”

“Mr Fack is completely off his rocker,” stated Bishop Halle Luya. “The church is adaptable to many languages and cultures. Nobody uses Latin any more, although admittedly there are a few which conduct services in Klingon.”

So services in Latin are not the answer?

“Not at all,” replied the Bishop. “It’s great that the vicar’s daughter is encouraging trade in services. We are pushing for free movement of people though, to stop worshippers from sitting in the same pew week in week out.”

“I like sitting in the same pew every week!” grumbled Fack. “I still haven’t set foot in 75% of my church, and no amount of trendy vicars will make me change my mind!”

“I think the Bishop is being deliberately obstructive,” Fack continued. “It’s this negative, traitorous attitude which is holding us back. A quick call to the Daily Mail should sort things out.”

The Church of England was created by breaking away from Europe, so that the King could do as he pleased and steal all its money. There must be a Brexit metaphor in there somewhere.

Great news for people caught short on future trade policy today with the revelation that the much anticipated new Brexit white paper will change colour after use by cabinet, and junior, ministers.

”This is so we can tell if they’ve actually handled it,” Cabinet minister, David Lidington, told LCD Views ‘Small rooms but big thoughts’ correspondent.

The move to manufacture the latest plethora of insanity which will bare little relation to anything that can be put into practice, out of a material that easily shows use, was in response to the gobsmacking news that only 6% of ministers had so far bothered to read the Brexit impact assessments produced by DExEU, after denials of their existence.

”That’s not too surprising,” Mr Lidington said, “to be fair, anyone with half a brain new what the impact of Brexit was going to be. That’s why so many shorted the pound on the night of the referendum back in 2016. They look forward to doing that again as future manufactured crisis occurs. It’ll give them more buying power when it’s time to asset strip the whole bally show. Ha!”

Details of what will be contained in the white paper are as yet uncertain, although reassuringly copies will be sent to all EU27 heads in their own languages.

”This is because we’re so blinking thick in government it never occurs to us they actually speak English. So a little patronisation ought to grease the wheels. What ho!”

What is certain is that whatever sticks to the new rolls of white paper produced by May’s government will be exactly the same as if you asked all the cabinet ministers to bend over with their pants down and wiped their butts, and then called the result a policy document.

Wipe for Britain! Before your government wipes all over you.

Radio talk show host and non-attending European parliament salary man Nigel Farage has vowed that he will return to football to lead England’s forward line the if current team fails to beat Sweden in their World Cup quarter final Saturday.

Speaking on his LBC chat show, “Drive-you-round-the-bend-time with Nigel Farage”, Farage promised listeners that if current forwards of choice Harry Kane and Jamie Vardy fail to do the business against the blonde haired blue eyed Scandinavians he will dig out his old togger boots and return to the position he gallantly held for Dulwich College juniors B team in the 1970s.

The seven times unelected MP and former leader of the fringe United kingdom Independence Party (UKIP), reminisced on air about his time as the team’s centre forward and leading goal scorer.

“…then there was the time I got my mate Arron to put on a grown up voice and call the opposition’s games teacher to tell him that the kick off time had been moved back two hours,” he laughed explaining how the cunning dummy had enabled him to score a hat trick within two minutes of kick off, until the ref had abandoned play and awarded Dulwich the match.

“Eighty Eight minutes left for a few crafty fags and a tin of Watneys Red Barrel round the back of the bike sheds – minty!” He added.

Commenting on his fitness to lead the England attack, Farage pointed out that the father of current first choice striker Harry Kane is Irish and had he been born in London today Harry would not have been able to claim citizenship.

“He’d be happier in Ireland – I mean look at that hair…!” he sneered, adding that second choice striker Jamie Vardy was clearly of Italian origin.

“Vardy, Vardini, Vardicci ? You can almost smell the spaghetti,” barked Farage adding defensively that his French surname was a genealogical anomaly caused by a distant Huguenot ancestor marrying a German.

“…and becoming more bloody English than any of that shower,” he added pointing out that half the England team were either born abroad or who, having parents who were born abroad, should never have been let in, in the first place.

“If they can’t manage to roast those bloody Swedes, let’s send them all back. I’m ready to step in, and return to the fray,” he added.

Called in to advise on the best way to roast swedes, TV chef and self styled smug self sufficiency successor to Felicity Kendal (aka Barbara Good), Huge Farting Wildebeest, suggested a no holds barred approach.

“Peel them, chop them, coat them in goose fat and a selection of home grown herbs, and stick them in the oven alongside the turkey,” he cooed.

“Better not mention Turkey to Nigel though,” he winked.