Category: Brexit

The under fire, beleaguered and doomed Department for Exiting the EU was given the WOW factor today with the announcement that Jesus Christ would be heading up the British negotiations, versus the seemingly unstoppable super villain Barnier.

”Barnier may think his evil word powers and ability to point at bits of paper can stop Global Britain,” Dominic Raab told the world via BBC Radio 4’s Today programme, “but he’s forgotten God is an Englishman. And so is his son.”

Under the deal Jesus Christ will walk across the English Channel and come face to face with the evil tyranny of a multi-national union of representative democracies, working together via mutually agreed legal treaties and just do his thing.

”We’re calling this Lazarus Brexit,” Raab added, “because if you think our negotiating strategy is dead, just roll away the stone we’re all trying to hide behind and be dazzled.”

Jesus himself was more circumspect regarding his chances of achieving the long sought after cake and eat it Brexit.

”If you wanted a bread and fishes Brexit, maybe I could have pulled that off,” he told assembled journalists, as he stepped off his spaceship on College Green, “but I don’t even think cake in the form you think of it existed when I last visited Earth? We’ll have to wait and see. I’m not sure even a miracle can save the U.K. now? I wouldn’t have even started down this path. Brexit? How long was the serpent whispering in your ears? Jesus Christ! But I’ll do my best. Anyone got some water? I fancy I need a bit of Dutch courage before I get started.”

Asked for comment on the new gun for hire, Labour’s Keir Starmer was ambivalent. Because that’s what he does. Running down the clock in a cynical bit of chicken shittery that is fooling no one.

Social media commentators were less restrained though, with furious Momentum activists pointing out that this Jesus Christ must be a false messiah, because they’re already following the real one, who is definitely a Brexiter.

LCD Views has heard today from world famous Doctor Liam Fox and his confidence that surgery to separate a celebrated pair of Siamese twins will be “easiest in history”.

”Look, it’s just the brains that are entangled,” he blithely said, dismissing concerns that the surgery maybe harder than he believes, “and the ERG and the TPA and various other esteemed medical bodies have said by first removing my brain, it will make the surgery a cinch.”

The procedure, which is currently pencilled in to happen at 10pm on the 29th March 2019 has not been scheduled in anyway to avoid new EU regulations coming into force days later relating to medical malpractice of the tax dodging kind.

”Some so called experts have said that separating conjoined twins who have grown and matured together for over forty years is complex and should be planned exhaustively for years before even attempting it. What do they know?”

Doctor Fox went on to explain how he plans to perform the operation.

”I’m going to strap both patients to the slab and get a chainsaw. Best way to do this is fast. Hack and slash and mop up the cash.”

Reports that other professionals have suggested not to even attempt it, as it’s a procedure that will benefit no one, especially the patients, and is actually risking decades of progress achieved by the twins are similarly dismissed. Because why not?

”No one has attempted this before,” Fox shrugged, “so what can history teach you? Nothing. It’s certainly taught me and my team nothing. Well, except the bits about fascist takeovers of democracies for the personal enrichment of a tiny majority. But that’s nothing to do with this.”

And how will you personally prepare for the operation?

”I don’t need to,” he smiled, “as advised I removed my brain years ago. Everything since points to my success in that endeavour. This will be the easiest surgery of its kind in history.”

LCD Views has heard today from world famous Doctor Liam Fox and his confidence that surgery to separate a celebrated pair of Siamese twins will be “easiest in history”.

”Look, it’s just the brains that are entangled,” he blithely said, dismissing concerns that the surgery maybe harder than he believes, “and the ERG and the TPA and various other esteemed medical bodies have said by first removing my brain, it will make the surgery a cinch.”

The procedure, which is currently pencilled in to happen at 10pm on the 29th March 2019 has not been scheduled in anyway to avoid new EU regulations coming into force days later relating to medical malpractice of the tax dodging kind.

”Some so called experts have said that separating conjoined twins who have grown and matured together for over forty years is complex and should be planned exhaustively for years before even attempting it. What do they know?”

Doctor Fox went on to explain how he plans to perform the operation.

”I’m going to strap both patients to the slab and get a chainsaw. Best way to do this is fast. Hack and slash and mop up the cash.”

Reports that other professionals have suggested not to even attempt it, as it’s a procedure that will benefit no one, especially the patients, and is actually risking decades of progress achieved by the twins are similarly dismissed. Because why not?

”No one has attempted this before,” Fox shrugged, “so what can history teach you? Nothing. It’s certainly taught me and my team nothing. Well, except the bits about fascist takeovers of democracies for the personal enrichment of a tiny majority. But that’s nothing to do with this.”

And how will you personally prepare for the operation?

”I don’t need to,” he smiled, “as advised I removed my brain years ago. Everything since points to my success in that endeavour. This will be the easiest surgery of its kind in history.”

Brexit is not going terribly well. But now we know why. According to experts, who, coincidentally, are also pro-Brexit MPs, it is because we are not paying them enough.

Leading Brexiteer Sir Sendham Holme MP was adamant. “All these trips to the continent cost money,” he bluffed. “Last time, I had to slum it in a four-star hotel and drink non-vintage champagne. How anyone thinks we can negotiate a successful deal under these conditions is quite beyond me.”

“It’s totally unacceptable,” agrees Sir Rich Liszt MP. “My latest trip to Brussels to bang some bloody sense into their thick skulls would have gone so much better if only I had not been flying economy class and they had provided me with a limo. And there’s even a fountain there that pisses on us, like the EU pisses on our economy!”

Their arch-druid Jacob Rees-Mogg remains tight-lipped, on nanny’s orders, although he is understood to be upset about travel expenses now the EU has forced him to move his business over there.

The chairman of the Expenses (And Other Such Shit) Committee, Sir Titan D. Pursestrings, was not amused. “MPs are already paid in excess of £70,000 a year,” he confirmed. “In addition, some, like Sir Sendham and Sir Rich, have vast personal fortunes, and treat their MP’s salary as pocket money. This committee is committed to commission commensurate compensation if an MP is seriously out of pocket in the line of his duties. However, since these chancers voted for Brexit and are doing no other work than schmoozing around Europe, they can get stuffed!”

During the course of this statement, Sir Titan was relieved of his duties, denounced as a traitor in the Daily Mail, and replaced by Sir Finn Gersinthetill.

What price Brexit? Even if we, as a country, hand over all our assets and revenues, it will surely be worth it. If only for our loyal avaricious MPs.

Top Brexiters have become even more offensive today as they take the fight to avoid personal accountability for the clusterfuck the U.K. is rapidly becoming direct to Brussels.

”It’s the EU’s fault for forcing Westminster to hold the 2016 EU referendumb in the first place,” A Piercing-Idiot told LCD Views.

“The EU is far from perfect, but endangering our central place in the power structures of the largest trading bloc on Earth? By forcing David Cameron’s hand? Lest he lose a few more votes to deluded racists? And now forcing us to leave without a viable deal? Well, that’s not cricket. It’s the French and the Germans, they’ve never gotten over Britain defeating them in the world wars.”

And Peircing-Idiot isn’t alone. Figel Barrage. Jacob Reeks-smogg. Iain Duncan Isacompleteidiot and numerous others who would have likely been for appeasement in the late 1930’s are gearing up to make sure everyone in the U.K. knows exactly who is to blame.

”Whose fault will it be when we make a concerted effort to takeover the Conservative Party and install an absolute sociopath who thinks poor people starve because they’re too lazy to hunt?” Piercing-Idiot wanted to know.

“Whose fault will it be when we refuse to negotiate and stick to our red lines that intentionally contradict the legal treaties and agreed principles of the EU? Making it impossible for them to give us a viable deal? It’s not like we want a complete disaster to profit from.”

Good questions.

”Whose fault will it be when we ration bread and aspirins and the police die of exhaustion stopping hoodies raiding LIDL?”

I think you can stop asking the questions now Piercing-Idiot. We will know exactly whose fault it is and it won’t be the EU we blame. It’ll be you.

The government has announced today that all United Kingdom road and motorway signs will be removed ahead of Brexit.

”The Highways Authority is to be renamed the Low-ways Always Authority too,” a spokesandroid-alien-face/flesh/soul-intestinal gestating alien parasite that will kill your damn dog first and then the rest of you, speaking on behalf of Downing Street, told LCD Views, “because that’s how we roll now.”

The DVSA has also been ordered to redraft the driving theory and hazard perception test to just be one multiple choice question now in the written part,

”You are veering off a perfectly good road into a ditch, do you, a) close your eyes and hope for the best b) scream will of the people at any passengers c) accelerate or d) wait until your car is airborne before leaping out and trying to remember to roll when you hit?”

And the filmed hazard perception test will now involve physically immersing all individuals taking the test in an actual tank full of sharks that haven’t eaten for a month.

”To pass the test candidates will have to accurately identify the fascist symbol tattooed onto the nose of the shark that rips their head off.”

To make sure all drivers are fully up to date everyone holding a current U.K. driving license will have to re-sit the exam ahead of Brexit.

”We’ve further plans to legally require anyone still capable of driving in the U.K. after the revised test to wear a blindfold, while driving on the roads with no signs or markings present. Oh, and we’re installing fog machines everywhere which will operate 24/7. This will give employers large and small clarity.”

What about the recent memo leak that suggests new potholes will be especially created on every sealed surface in the country?

”Oh, that’s not a leak, we’ve been doing that for over two years.”

Happy motoring U.K.

Brexit Goldbuyers have announced the opening of their first high street store, promising to turn your unused wedding bands into dough.

”What is that cold bit of metal doing just sitting on your finger?” Steve Baker MP (Asset on Strip – Conservative, well, really UKIP) demanded as he stood with a giant pair of scissors, ready to cut the ribbon (UKIP colours) on the first store.

”You shouldn’t be feeling guilt over the empty plates on your dining table, when the solution is here now today. Turn that poor person’s low carat ring into dough!”

Snip went the scissors! And the purple and gold ribbon  didn’t part. Baker tried again. And again.

Baker put the scissors down and attempted to rip the ribbon, casually.

It wouldn’t rip. He gave it up.

”It looks like this ring was made by enemies of the people!” He laughed, by himself.

”But all our bread rolls are made of 100% British exceptionalism and Brexit Goldbuyers promises you, the hungry public, the weight in bread of your unnecessary finger trinket today!”

The excitement on the high street over, we phoned up Kamal, BBC news editor, for comment on this exciting high street move.

”Brexit Goldbuyers promise to revitalise the British high street which has been hammered by EU reluctance to tackle the large scale tax avoidance of giant digital retailers and the high rate of business rates Junker orders HMG to charge hardworking mum and dad shopkeepers in the U.K.”

It seemed he was just reading out an ERG press release.

”With Project Fear ramping up again by way of irresponsible stories about threats to food supplies post Brexit, Steve Baker and his ERG friends, are offering a unique, but traditional way for hungry British families to put bread in their mouths, not just from March 30th 2019, but today.”

This is fantastic news. It seems Steve Baker is baking up a steal! Get down there before the bread rolls roll away!

As to what Brexit Goldbuyers intend to do with the gold they kindly take off your fingers, you can be sure neither the BBC in its current form, or the majority of right wing owned print media in the U.K. will do diddly squat to find out.

Death broke with tradition today and made public his preference for the kind of Brexit the U.K. should pursue.

“It’s no secret I voted leave,” Death told a surprised gaggle of BBC journalists, “and I made my own mind up. I wasn’t swayed by a big red bus.”

Death’s addressing the various options open to the U.K. as it approaches the end of the Article 50 notification period was a surprise, most of the gathered journalists expected the Grim Reaper to focus solely on the current government’s record while in government, and not hypotheticals about the future.

Death smoothed concerns by offering to make them tea.

But why the support for No Deal?

”It should be obvious,” Death smirked, “isn’t it obvious?”

To the journalists in the room it appeared not to be.

”Look, most of you are current BBC hacks,” Death continued, “I would have thought a little research could answer it for you? Never mind. I have these friends who stand to personally benefit from Hard Brexit. And you look after the people who keep you in office.”

The friends referred to appeared to actually be very well known to human kind throughout history and sadly, still today. Why the bleeding obvious was confusing for BBC employees is anyone’s guess.

”Famine, clearly, he’s pushing for No Deal. Disruptions to food chains is his nosebag. When you consider the massive increase in poverty under May’s tenure and the escalation in cost of food, famine is gunning for this,

”War? He’s a long term planner, so he likes the direction of travel and thinks Brexit could undo the harm done to his profession in Europe by a European peace project. Conquest? He just likes to get his hands dirty and the prospects of no deal excite him. He feels confident in victory whatever happens.”

Asked what he thought about the prospect of a ‘People’s Vote’ on whatever deal May achieves, Death was dismissive.

”What deal? She ain’t no deal maker. And after the mess they made in 2016, why would you trust the people with it again? You just need to have faith and get behind Brexit.”

We did ask Life for comment to provide balance to what Death had to say but only received the following,

”I’m keeping well away from that Brexit shitshow. Nothing to do with me. Death can have it.”

The guiding principle of the “Will of the people” has received a fresh update today with the revelation it’s now moving your millions offshore before Brexit.

”It’s just sound financial management,” Mr Para-sight, Tory MP for Disaster-on-Capitalism, told LCD Views.

”I would encourage everyone with a high net worth to shift as much of their liquid assets as they deem sensible to an offshore USD or Euro account before the 29th March 2019 when Britons regain their sovereignty and begin eating it.”

The advice is a timely one with pound sterling experiencing another period of sensible and sustained adjustment.

”The drop in the value of the pound really is a boon for exporters,” Mr Para-sight continued, “particularly exporters of money. I’ve personally had my gentleman’s personal nanny carrying bag loads of cash over the border and into Ireland or Russia or anywhere but the U.K.,

”I don’t mind telling you it’s almost as fun as conspiring with an internationalist clique of kleptocrats to crash an entire country.”

That sounds like Global Britain is roaring!

”Quite.”

But what about people without a high net worth who don’t have the ability to shift large sums of cash about between currencies in order to profit from contrived calamity?

”They’ll have to work a little harder. It will teach them for being an accident at birth.”

Some people might suggest that it’s not exactly patriotic for many of the cheerleaders of an inherently nationalist and protectionist project like Brexit to be shifting their assets overseas in advance of it?

And many even essentially buying EU27 citizenship as a hedge against the very disaster they’re actively working to bring about for millions of working people?

“Does the leadership of the Labour Party also support Brexit?”

Yes.

”Well then it must be in the working man’s interest. It’s a cross party initiative and we’re going to make a success of it. Now if you don’t mind, I’ve got to load up nanny with another sackful of currency. There’s a good mule nanny. There’s a good mule.”