Category: Brexit

WASTE NOT WANT NOT : 10 Downing Street is said to have emerged from its bunker this morning to charge headfirst at the cost of living crisis and win back the hearts of the people.

“Clearly the PM is not leading the charge as it’s too early in the day,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views, “but some SPADS and a few random backbenchers are gung ho and have gone over the top. They’ll be into the enemy trenches by lunchtime and you won’t hear the deafening sound of empty plates in the homes of the poor by the evening, anymore!”

The news will encourage millions who are realising that it won’t be a choice between heating or eating soon, as they won’t be able to afford either.

“The main strategic thrust is to call in the army,” the source explains. “This has worked for every weird crisis afflicting the country since Brexit got done. But none of these crises are in anyway related to getting Brexit done. Let’s just be clear about that.”

Under the scheme specially recruited private sector goons will coordinate with the Home Office and the MOD to locate and isolate anyone poor who is spending more than 30p on a single serving of a meal.

“We can’t have poor people just wasting their hard earned money on food,” the source enthuses. “That’s for Tory MPs to do in the subsidised bars and restaurants of Westminster.”

“Just picture it now, some single mother of three who should be celebrating the demonisation of asylum seekers who have come to steal whatever she has left in her larder, who is instead bemoaning the fact she can’t feed her family on dust? Well! Just imagine the look on her face with a crack squad of army cooks appear at her front door and put a bag over her head. The look of surprise on her face when she finds herself standing in a mess tent on the nearest Common will be priceless, just like everyday supplies in the supermarket.”

The operation to re-educate wasteful, layabout poor people has been named Operation Anderson after the Tory MP who inspired the initiative.

Tory candidate forgets he’s on microphone and asks friend to pose as supporter

Hungry Britons can rest assured that with only the brightest and the best chosen to stand as Tory MPs their incomprehensible ignorance of budget living will soon be a thing of the past.

“Furthermore, this initiative shows the level of aspiration Boris Johnson’s government has for all of you now. Mud. If you can’t make a roast meal out of cheap, readily available soil then you’re letting Britain down and you’ll have the British Army to deal with!”

WANDERING DRUNK IN THE DARK IN A CRISIS WITH HIS ZIPPER OPEN SCREAMING FOR A SHAG : THE BRITISH PRIME MINISTER BORIS JOHNSON is to make a great stride into combating the cost of living crisis in the UK today, ahead of tomorrow’s local elections.

Concerns have been building within the cabinet for weeks that the British people may baulk at eating each other and it is time to reinforce the exceptional mindset that got us into this pickle to begin with.

“We can’t face reality now,” a 10 Downing Street insider told LCD Views. “If we do the party is over.”

A key part of the strategy in helping the public cope with the new realities will be to accelerate the managed decline in their quality of living to the point where a job churning mud while screaming insults about the French is seen as aspirational.

“The UK media is exceptionally helpful, I will say,” the source says. “They rarely if ever mention Brexit and its vicious impact on the UK economy. Sacrifice for the greater good. That’s what it’s all about. We are now in a period of glorious isolation again. This is how you lead the world. But there is a worry that another calamity may not come along fast enough to hide the impact of the Tories attempt to fashify the UK. The pandemic was a real saving grace just as we got Brexit done. Then the war in Ukraine rode in to cover up for the mismanaged pandemic and Brexit. We’re really praying for an asteroid strike somewhere northern now. I personally spend my sleepless nights watching the sky and praying for it. But as yet there’s no light in the sky growing forever brighter before revealing itself as a screaming fireball headed for Yorkshire. Which is a shame.”

While the government waits for cosmic intervention it can at least continue with the tried and tested technique of denying reality and trust in the media’s assistance.

“Mr Johnson will deny the EU single market and customs union still exists,” the source adds. “That’s one way to deal with the cost of living crisis right there. What good would membership of a massive trading bloc a few miles away possibly do for pensioners who are deciding which of their house plants to eat?”

A NATION OF TRAFFIC QUEUES : DOWNING STREET’S plans to criminalise UK-EU trade have hit an unexpected obstacle today after the thousands of truckers stuck in Dover decided to declare themselves a nation state and additionally declare universal independence from the United Kingdom.

It was believed by Prime Minister Johnson and Home Secretary Priti Patel that they were about to score an easy PR win in the field of crime and punishment by arresting 10’s of 1,000’s of truck drivers all at once under new laws aimed to make the most of Brexit, and end cross channel trade for good in preference of trade deals with distant Narnia. But the sudden declaration by the truckers has caused “mayhem” inside the Executive.

Speaking to the press this morning the representative of the “The People’s Republic of Truckers” said that they had been “stuck so long in the Brexit tailback” that many had “formed new families and indeed a distinctive and unique cultural identity”. It is thought the first births of babies conceived in the massive and endless customs queue was the trigger to declaring themselves a nation state.

“We will be writing our constitution on red tape,” the representative said, “as it’s the sudden and horrifying growth of Brexit red tape demolishing our once seamless trade links with the Continent that forced the world’s newest nation state into being.”

Quite what the Prime Minister will do is not yet clear, although many believe he will be happy to see the formation of the The People’s Republic of Truckers as it takes care of an unsolvable problem caused by his Brexit.

“We look forward to welcoming the UK’s biggest Instagram celebrity, Liz Truss, to our new country and trust that a comprehensive free trade deal can be agreed in rapid time. But first we have to join the EU so she has to negotiate with Barnier.”

HEAD IN SAND SPECIALISTS : UK NEWS MEDIA AND POLITICIANS FROM ACROSS THE POLITICAL DIVIDE are said to be “ebullient” and “tumescent with anticipation” of awards after spending days obsessing over the cost of living CRISIS without mentioning Brexit.

The economic crisis has been building for a long time, some would say since 2010 when Tory economic illiterates grabbed the wheel of state again, succeeded again and again by people even more illiterate and extreme. Now at last we’ve arrived at Destination Shafted and the man at the wheel spends more on hoodies for staged photographs than most people spend on food each year.

“It’s been a tour de force of news casting on Radio 4 and across the major papers,” a keen eyed observer observed keenly. “Labour have been careful not to mention the B word too. One or two opposition politicians may have, but everyone thinks they got away with it.”

Clearly the pandemic has had a massive impact and now Putin’s decision to jump horses from plague to war, but Brexit is there like a shit supercharger supercharging our economic shit. Just don’t talk about it.

“We won, get over it,” the observer nods. “That’s all there is to Brexit. The fact the bonfire of regulations turned out to be actually a red tape puppy farm breeding inbred monsters of paperwork has nothing to do with it, or the cost of living crisis.”

And consistency can be expected, even as the food and fuel poverty drags millions into despair, because to mention Brexit would be to suggest it was the daftest decision taken by a sovereign country in a very long time.

“We’ve got to pull together as a team. Politicians and news media. You make Brexit work by just ignoring it and completely removing it from any discussions about how to handle the cost of living crisis. Oh and the coming food crisis as the bread basket of Europe goes up in flames.”

We can all just be thankful that the elephant in the room is silent, even as its giant arse continues to spread across pretty much everything. We can make a success of it, by only by remaining silent.

WE’RE NOT RACISTS BUT : The UK has cut a decisive path for itself since allowing Nigel Farage to decide its entire policy platform and future. As such a refugee crisis involving largely white people from Europe has proven a most unhelpful event.

“We’ve gained power by activating a deep racist undercurrent in UK society,” a spokesman for 10 Downing Street told LCD Views. “Who can recall the day Nigel Farage revealed his famous Breaking Point poster in the EU referendum campaign back in 2016 and not understand how we got to where we are? And more importantly, how the PM got to be PM in the first place. Recent events in Europe are really unhelpful. It’s incredibly tricky to navigate.”

Luckily for the current administration there is a swathe of famous individuals taking to the airways to explain that this war is different because the refugees are white and so it’s not confusing. Therefore there’s no disconnect to our attitude to Europeans needing assistance en masse and the different approach often taken to people from further away.

“There is still a lot of unwelcome pressure to do more on refugees though,” the source explains. “It’s a bit of a pickle. You have hand chosen Tory MPs selected because they were prepared to endorse Brexit, a deeply racist project with an underbelly that is all hatred of foreigners and here they are demanding we help foreigners? It’s not on really. We got Brexit done. We got it done knowing that the man behind the Breaking Point poster was one of its spiritual architects. But now we’re supposed to let people back in? WHAT THE FUCK IS ALL THAT ABOUT? We just don’t get it.”

But to help explain the apparent inability of the UK government to match the swift action of other European states the PM is going to personally make an example of himself.

“Mr Johnson will unveil a new edition of Mr Farage’s Breaking Point poster outside 10 Downing Street today and stand next to it beaming,” the source says. “This way everyone will know why it’s really hard to let anyone into the country and hope to maintain a poll lead.”

ALL THINGS COME TO THOSE WHO WAIT: Fifty years is not a long time. Ask the dinosaurs. They are really feeling the benefits of that asteroid now.

The dinosaurs in Downing Street have little of this subtlety. Parliament’s little joke on itself, Jacob Rees-Mogg, naturally assumes that the rest of the world remembers the Regency Period like he does. Another mere fifty years means nothing to members of the Undead.

Rees-Mogg is already in charge of governmental periwigs and blunderbusses. His new role will sit nicely alongside his current job as Witchfinder-General and Chief Enabler Of Governmental Efficient Embezzlement.

It’s a responsibility which Rees-Mogg will be able to discharge without lifting a finger. For this, he will be richly rewarded. This is how life is, huge benefits for doing precisely sod all. There is a nice rule of inverse accountability happening here. The less you actually contribute, the more you earn, and vice versa. This applies equally to the lower orders, who must work their fingers to the bone simply in order to be permitted to survive. Meanwhile, Rees-Mogg pockets your meagre wages on your behalf.

Rees-Mogg once claimed that it would take fifty years for the Brexit Benefits to become apparent. However, he is now a living contradiction since his new role is the first genuine Brexit Benefit to become apparent.

Oddly enough, the Clandestine Brexit Opportunities Commander job, advertised so long ago has still not been filled. Maybe only one so thoroughly steeped in hypocrisy and doublespeak as Rees-Mogg could actually survive in the job without exploding under the strain of the paradox.

Fifty years is no time. An enterprising individual could be born, schooled, married, have a career, have children, and be three quarters of the way to a peaceful retirement in that time. Think of Brexit as the birth, and your pension as the benefits.

So long as the Tory government hasn’t raided your pension fund while you were getting on with life.

TAKE THAT EU : Brussels is said to be “reeling” today as the MIGHTY BRITISH LION took another decisive sovereign step away from the OVERARCHING NANNY STATE ACROSS THE english CHANNEL.

From midday today all British pubs must again put out bowls of peanuts for customers to take hand fulls of as the RED TAPE that demanded hygienic packaging of nuts, crisps and another nibbles was TORN UP by the conquering talons of the free British people. It is just the latest Brexit win and cashews are also included.

The traditional British bowl of nuts vanished from the landscape some years back after the NANNY STATE OF FROWNING EUROCRATS banished bowls. What was done under the pretence of health and safety was of course just another SHACKLE to bind down the UNCONQUERABLE BRIT.

“Like Gulliver releasing himself from the grip of the little people in Lilliput Global Britons can now grab handfuls of free nuts on the way into or out of the toilet of their favourite boozer or restaurant,” 10 Downing Street lauded the victory to a stunned world.

The FREEDOM TO EAT PISS COVERED NUTS ranks alongside the return of the Crown symbol to pint glasses.

“We will next be outlawing refrigeration of bottled beverages and pints on tap,” the government reassured. “No longer will Brussels take the fun out of British cuisine and leisure time. The stale, warm pint of ale will soon be the only available drink on tap.”

Sources in Brussels say that they are bereft and terrified of what Boris Johnson’s victorious band of liberators will do next.

“No gain for the EU of British industry, jobs, finance sector, science and innovation, education as a result of Brexit can make up for what unchained Britannia is doing to its pubs,” a Brussels source said. “The EU is stuffed. It’ll be begging the UK to allow it to join the UK before long. It’s just a matter of time.”

ANYONE SMART ENOUGH TO DO BREXIT WOULDN’T : BAD NEWS for 10 Downing Street after an otherwise excellent week. Shortly before midday news leaked that the Prime Minister’s favourite to replace Lord Frost as Brexit Secretary had been ruled out.

The decision to bin No 1 on the “Most Wanted” list of candidates was made after a catastrophic failure in the vetting process. It had been assumed that the candidate, who is certainly smart enough to be a Tory MP in Boris Johnson’s Britain, and definitely “cabinet grade” was a dead cert. Even though they are definitely dead and lacking a central nervous system or the ability to imagine the inner lives of people their decisions harm.

“The boss is gutted,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “He assumed that employing his pick for the job of Brexit Secretary was a mere formality. He was continuing the tradition of individuals chosen for the post since the first Brexit Secretary, David Davis. Now he has to start all over again. It’s going to need some serious drinking to choose the next candidate.”

Questions over what could possibly have ruled out the candidate who is said to contain “no discernible moral compass and a total disregard for the Northern Irish peace process” have been flying around the Westminster village, but LCD Views has the scoop.

“They asked the candidate to sit an IQ test,” our chief Downing Street correspondent can reveal. “This was just a PR exercise in order to impress Brussels. But it’s backfired spectacularly after the 500gms of minced meat passed the test with flying colours. This is not exactly a shock as the test was designed specifically so anyone willing to take the job of Brexit Secretary could pass it. It seems they need to dumb it down further, or raise the bar higher, no one is sure because they’re too thick to work it out. But a packet of minced meat is too smart for the job, of that we can be certain.”

Responding to the reports David Davis’ office issued a statement saying that the image chosen to accompany this article is not a portrait of himself. Shortly after Dominic Raab, Steve Barclay and Lord Frost communicated identical statements to clarify the situation.

“It looks too smart to be any of us anyway,” one of them added.

All is not lost however. The Prime Minister’s office has already completed the process of giving the meat a peerage and Lord Meat of Mince will join the other amazing individuals that Mr Johnson has placed in the Lords. His contributions to the debates in the Upper House are expected to exceed in worth all of the others combined.

GREEN CRED : The government is to attempt to get back on the front foot this weekend by announcing the one giant building project the PM is capable of driving through to success. Operation : Carpark Kent has been a highlight of Mr Johnson’s time in office with vast swathes of England’s most green and pleasant landscape already converted into a “tangible and concrete symbol” of Brexit.

“The treasury has agreed to allocate a further £200 billion pounds to buy the concrete required to finish the task of concreting over Kent,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Even Mr Sunak was able to see it is necessary. He took time out of his styling his hair for a Christmas swimsuit calendar to green lit the spending on the project.”

The only potential snag in the “big boom for infrastructure spending” seems to lie in finding enough qualified truck drivers to get the concrete pouring.

“That’s not as big an obstacle as critics would have you believe,” the source shrugs. “We’re changing the rules again on Class 1 licences. Now family pets can get involved. A well trained dog can easily navigate driving a concrete truck straight through a cottage garden and then hit the button that says ‘pour’. Afterwards they get a treat. It keeps them motivated.”

Local Kent residents who maybe opposed to the further expansion of Inland Customs Facilities will simply be ignored by Downing Street.

“It’s what the people voted for,” the source reminds critics. “We said we were going to level up the country and Kent is going to be especially level once it’s completely covered in concrete. Operation : Carpark Kent will make the UK world leaders in concrete farming. That’s not to be sniffed at. Unlike whatever we’ve been on which has convinced us to do it.”

IMPROVISED GOVERNMENT : The UK’s government and its supporters are facing increasingly shrill demands to explain what the hell is happening as the country smoulders, soon to burst into flames, thanks to Brexit. But it’s okay because Mr Johnson and his cabal are straight shooters.

“We never expected Brexit to work once we did it,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “What idiot thought we had any plan at all? Don’t you recall David Davis’s empty headed grin as he sat down to talks with Barnier? Nothing in David’s hands and nothing in his mind but a fantasy world our political system allows him to propagate. If you thought Brexit was going to work you need to think long and hard about your news sources. Don’t come blaming us because you believed elected representatives. More fool you.”

The strong statement will settle minds at least by making obvious what is bleedingly obvioius.

“Brexit is a wrecker’s agenda. It’s smash the UK apart and take its assets. You don’t think all that quiet US cash was in it to strengthen workers rights and protect the NHS? It’s your fault for having a great asset store in the UK in the home ownership of over 50’s. Anyone care to pay for social care? Or that hip operation? Let’s release your liquidity. This is Brexit. Together with arms sales and money laundering. In that sense it works fantastically. Suckers.”

What to do now that the project’s pushers are finally honest about the mounting crisis is not yet clear, as no major bloc of opposition MPs seem capable of mentioning Brexit and identifying it as the accelerant in the UK bin fire.

“I’m sure you will see a leader of the opposition finally confront Brexit at some stage,” the source shrugged. “Not Jobs First Brexit Corbyn, not (sadly) I dare not speak its name Starmer. Maybe someone like Lammy in a few years? Although clearly Labour will have to wait for the Tories to dethrone their idiots and turn on the project before they pivot.”

UK politics. You either hate it or you aren’t paying attention at the moment. Now run along and enjoy your tangible benefits.