ANYONE SMART ENOUGH TO DO BREXIT WOULDN’T : BAD NEWS for 10 Downing Street after an otherwise excellent week. Shortly before midday news leaked that the Prime Minister’s favourite to replace Lord Frost as Brexit Secretary had been ruled out.
The decision to bin No 1 on the “Most Wanted” list of candidates was made after a catastrophic failure in the vetting process. It had been assumed that the candidate, who is certainly smart enough to be a Tory MP in Boris Johnson’s Britain, and definitely “cabinet grade” was a dead cert. Even though they are definitely dead and lacking a central nervous system or the ability to imagine the inner lives of people their decisions harm.
“The boss is gutted,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “He assumed that employing his pick for the job of Brexit Secretary was a mere formality. He was continuing the tradition of individuals chosen for the post since the first Brexit Secretary, David Davis. Now he has to start all over again. It’s going to need some serious drinking to choose the next candidate.”
Questions over what could possibly have ruled out the candidate who is said to contain “no discernible moral compass and a total disregard for the Northern Irish peace process” have been flying around the Westminster village, but LCD Views has the scoop.
“They asked the candidate to sit an IQ test,” our chief Downing Street correspondent can reveal. “This was just a PR exercise in order to impress Brussels. But it’s backfired spectacularly after the 500gms of minced meat passed the test with flying colours. This is not exactly a shock as the test was designed specifically so anyone willing to take the job of Brexit Secretary could pass it. It seems they need to dumb it down further, or raise the bar higher, no one is sure because they’re too thick to work it out. But a packet of minced meat is too smart for the job, of that we can be certain.”
Responding to the reports David Davis’ office issued a statement saying that the image chosen to accompany this article is not a portrait of himself. Shortly after Dominic Raab, Steve Barclay and Lord Frost communicated identical statements to clarify the situation.
“It looks too smart to be any of us anyway,” one of them added.
All is not lost however. The Prime Minister’s office has already completed the process of giving the meat a peerage and Lord Meat of Mince will join the other amazing individuals that Mr Johnson has placed in the Lords. His contributions to the debates in the Upper House are expected to exceed in worth all of the others combined.