Category: Brexit

A THOUSAND YEARS OF BOLLOCKS : 10 Downing Street is neither confirming nor denying a leak from 10 Downing Street today regarding the incoming Great British Patriotism tests.

The tests are part of a far reaching agenda to terraform the ideological landscape of the country into one that is perfectly happy as an international money laundering centre, so long as everyone has a flag to look at.

To gauge progress in the mental assault some genius in the executive decided they were going to need metrics. Measures. Sample sizes. Graphs. Charts. Although not pie charts as Boris would eat them. Testing will help determine how hard the culture war needs to be ramped up on any given day. Do we need to deploy pictures of the Queen? Have someone daub paint on Churchill? Or break the glass and have a Spitfire fly past?

“The tests will be at walk-in centres and home tests,” our correspondent, who fabricated the leak, reveals. “The network of walk-in centres established across the country for the pandemic will simply be repurposed to test for patriotism. Although they’ll still be staffed by bored teenagers on minimum wage given very little training. I mean it’s as easy to spot someone who is a traitor, just like spotting someone with a bad cold.”

Home tests will be very similar to the walk-in ones, although less reliable until the Home Office has finished installing CCTV inside everyone’s TV’s. This rollout has hit a snag after the cameras provided came patterned in the North Korean flag and not the Union Flag.

While all of this is just expected to help make a success of Brexit a furious row has apparently broken out inside the cabinet.

“The tests are to be manufactured overseas. This is causing some brain hurt,” our correspondent reveals. “How will the tests be any good if they’re not British made?”

There is a precedent for such crisis though and LCD Views is confident our wise leadership will find it.

“We’ll just have the tests and their packaging delivered in separate consignments and then package them on English soil. That’ll be enough to justify putting the Union Flag on it.”

DON’T LOOK BACK IN ANGER : Great news for patriot’s today who are seeking ways to improve the prospects of the United Kingdom, and maybe even prevent its disintegration back into warring Dark Age tribes.

The upbeat vibes are welcome after a long period where plague and misfortune has been visiting upon these islands as if by magic.

“It was a masterstroke,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views, “all the credit lies with LORD Frost and Mr Johnson who came up with the totally wizard idea of hiring someone to find Brexit benefits. And they did!”

Dido Harding was initially expected to take the role of Director of Brexit Opportunities after her success in tracking and tracing Tory donors to outsource track and trace to, but she was unavailable as she was busy writing xenophobic articles in a pitch to run the NHS.

“It’s okay. We just stayed in the shallow end of the talent pool and waited to see what else would float on by and we hired them instead.”

The name of the new Brexit superstar is currently under wraps so instant celebrity doesn’t distract them from their task.

“It’s best to keep it a secret until their peerage is arranged. We’re running out of geographical areas to make someone a Lord or Dame of, so we’re having to dredge up some of Doggerland for that. That’s a bit controversial as evidence comes up of various peoples mixing and moving back and forth for millennia. But if no one talks about that we’ll get away with it!”

The big reveal can’t be far away though because the new Director of Brexit Opportunities is reported to have identified the major opportunity already!

“Crikey! They’ve identified the biggest opportunity from Brexit is the possibility of joining the European Union? And they’ve listed sheets of instant benefits. Wait. Did we just hire John Bercow in a wig?”

THE LORDLY ONE : GLOBAL BRITAIN’S GREATEST DIPLOMATIC EXPORT, LORD FROST, is to travel to Brussels today in a vintage Spitfire to negotiate the terms of the British surrender in the Great Sausage War.

The decision of Boris Johnson to despatch his human shield to Brussels came as a surprise to many, until they realised he’d “already lost interest” in the banger based blow up after seeing a woman he has yet to impregnate.

Lord Frost will travel in the Spitfire on the outside of the aircraft to make room for the pilot. He will be strapped to the fuselage and to all appearances will look like a bouncing and very dumb bomb.

“We’ve sent word ahead to Brussels not to be alarmed by the manner of Lord Frost’s arrival,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “And not to worry when the pilot releases his payload without landing and does a sharp turn to home.”

There are no expectations that Lord Frost will be injured in his fall to earth as he is expected to land on his head, that being his centre of gravity due to the density of the bone.

The timing of the talks comes ahead of the G7 meeting in Cornwall where Mr Johnson will have to talk face to face with the US President Joe Biden, who is said to already have a lengthy list of issues to browbeat the British PM on without having to talk to “that darn brat about wurst!”

The surrender of the British will be presented as a great victory at home so all patriots can remain safe in their belief that Brexit was a good idea and not the decision of a fridge full of silly sausages.

DO YOU SPEAK ENGERLISH : LORD Frost DID not GET to WHERE he IS today BY god GIVEN talent ALONE. The EU would do well to recognise this.

“He’s onto them, those wily Europeans,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “He knows they’re spying on him and almost certainly his boss. The fuss they’re making over what LORD Frost has written for the domestic audience over the travesty of the Brexit deal proves it. Who would negotiate such a self-defeating and dangerous agreement? Certainly not an Englishman!”

The discovery of the EU spying on the UK’s Brexit superman did come as a “SHOCK” but not a surprise to seasoned Eurosceptics. Be they mild on that special spectrum or all the way through to foaming at the mouth and completely oblivious of anything EU related functions.

“He’s going to come up with a code to communicate to the GREAT BRITISH PUBLIC that’ll leave the EU floundering. They won’t know what’s coming next. They’ll be outfoxed and in disarray.”

The plan is to begin writing in Olde English.

“They maybe able to read what Frost writes down in modern English due to their underhand attempts to educate their populations in foreign languages, but wait until they’re stumbling about Chaucer’s English. We’ll have the last laugh then. They’ll have no idea what we’re up to with international law when they’re too distracted trying to work out why ‘s’ is now ‘f’!”

But exactly how did the EU gain access to Lord Frost’s writings?

“They’ve been reading our newspapers,” the source says. “Came as a bloody shock to us. We don’t read theirs. Not that many of us could even if we were interested. You just wait until the next completely disingenuous, historically inaccurate bit of propaganda for the domestic audience is published in The Telegraph or The Express in olde English. Old Barnier will be lost for words. We will have them agreeing to abandon the principles of the single market in no time at all.”

Global Britain – if it seems like we’re being run and represented by idiots, it’s because we are.

PHOENIX FROM THE FLAMES: A woman who torched a whole bundle of £50 notes today was overjoyed when she spotted, amongst the smouldering ashes, a shiny penny. 

The woman, whom we shall call Liz Truss (since it was she), was so pleased with herself that she went straight to the shops to buy something World Beating in a Union Jack wrapper. 

This is unrelated to the news that Truss also revealed a stonking new example of inward investment. A new factory is being set up, for the price of a PPE contract. Up to 50 jobs will be created, possibly far fewer, to make ketchup, which is a pungent and violently red sauce used to disguise the flavour of post-Brexit Great British Cuisine. 

This will be of great interest to at least two groups of people.

Firstly, the redundant fishermen and farmers whose industries are no longer viable. This has come about after the EU, or Evil Empire Mark 2, decided to impose the rules the UK became subject to the moment it decided to leave.

These patriotic souls will be delighted to retrain as red sauce makers. It beats being a cyber ballerina any day. 

The second group is the Bullingdon Club, who might just have found a new member. Even if she is totty. It takes some balls to burn a handful of fifties in front of a homeless country. 

When Truss returns from spending a penny (let’s hope she washes her hands) Global Britain will, once again, take its place at the head of the world table. After all, burning money is God’s way of showing the world just how superior the British are. 

Meanwhile let’s break out our Liz Truss favourite pork and cheese, well what little we can afford. Now is not the time to worry about piles of money going up in flames. After all, we do have a penny. 

LOOK UP IN THE SKY IT’S BREXIT BENEFITS : The residents of Kent are rightfully proud to have added the new title of “England’s Carpark” to the boring old one that was “The Garden of England”.

All you have to do now to see the justification of the new handle is drive on the motorways of Kent and look for the signs to the Inland Customs Facilities which have sprung up like a tribute to a bygone, and more wholesome age.

It is fair to say too that without the good people of Thanet dutifully returning joke MEP candidate Nigel Farage to the EU Parliament, undemocratic election after undemocratic election, Brexit may not even have happened. So it’s right they are benefiting before everyone else.

“It’s been a building boom,” a local resident, whose flower bed now provides temporary homes for trucks, told LCD Views. “Thankfully all the building is flat concrete so it is not obscuring the views.”

The views are important day and night. Happily near half of the Kent electricity supply is now consumed just illuminating the lorry parks after dark.

”This is when the problems start,” the resident did admit. “Sometimes whoever is responsible for turning on the banks of floodlights is a little slow to flick the switch and we almost lose sight of the banks of lorries and trucks. It’s not good enough. I blame the EU of course.”

Others are also upset because apparently stars no longer exist in the Kent sky at night.

Mercifully Downing Street has been alerted and has become alarmed. Morale in the Carpark of England is not taken for granted, even if they now have the distinction of the Kent Access Border Permits. A distinction you have to go as far as Northern Ireland to best.

“We’re taking steps to cheer everyone up,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Clearly the PM has no plans to resume a closer trading position with our nearest neighbours. Quite the reverse. But he’s got just the thing to cheer up patriots.”

Spitfire flypasts.

“From now to eternity each and every dusk a squadron of Spitfires will crisscross the Kent sky. Just look up and enjoy their fuselages lit up by the Lorry Park lights and enjoy the patriotic purr of the powerful engines.”

Which is nice.

QUEUE POLITELY AT FOOD BANK PLEASE : THE CULTURE MINISTER Oliver Dowden is famous for having been bred specially for his job in a tub of British made yoghurt and it’s given him special insight into the culture of our country.

Happily he is willing to share his knowledge and to urge the BBC to help him celebrate British values, at risk of being broken down into component parts and flogged off.

To help the BBC in its task of banging the drum for Blighty Mr Dowden has drawn up a list of the British values that we will now all celebrate. Unless we wish to be taken to a re-education camp.

“Queuing. Politely at food banks,” Mr Dowden will regale the country with later, as he unleashes his agenda. “Also having to be shamed by footballers into feeding hungry children. That is a contemporary value. It just feels Victorian. Calling MPs fancy names and titles. Very British. Electing the most disreputable figure we can find in our political life as Prime Minister. It really shows us off to the world.”

The list is clearly going to be a long one as what we value is displayed by how we are currently behaving both at home and abroad.

“Cutting foreign aide in the middle of a global pandemic. That shows how we value charity. Decreasingly. Oh and letting Priti Patel loose on asylum seekers. Just fantastic.”

But there is one action in recent years that really nails contemporary Great Britain and it needs to be celebrated.

“Voting for liars and following their agenda. We really value that. Just look at all the people who voted for a giant lie on a bus! And look where we are now. The British value of a great sense of humour has never been more needed.”

WRAP IT IN A FLAG AND CALL IT BRITISH: The truly patriotic government is encouraging us to buy British beef. At the same time it is plotting to flood our supermarkets with Australian meat.

This is not a problem. “Consumers will always have the choice,” claims the trusty anonymous Downing Street source. “And we will make the choice easier by sticking a Union Jack on packets of meat that we decide are British, wherever the meat originates from.”

How does this give consumers a choice? And is that legal?

“You can always choose to buy British, or go hungry,” said the source. “As for the rest of your question, in my opinion it is not worthy of an answer.”

“The legality of the proposal is an insignificant detail,” confirmed Pack O’Lies, one of Liz Truss’s minions. “If an item – a 500g packet of stewing beef, for example, is in Britain, then it’s British, innit? Simple as that. The flag wrapper merely confirms it!” 

Does the same logic apply to people? Once they are in the country, they count as British? 

“Don’t be ridiculous,” snapped O’Lies. “Foreign means foreign, however many Union Jack t-shirts they wear. Expect a call from Priti Patel’s ethnic cleansing bouncers within the hour.” 

With that, O’Lies abruptly ended the call. 

Brexit has opened up many more exciting opportunities like this. The government has given the green light to exploit the public in a gloriously Imperial way. After all, we conquered Australia, and sent them our people. Therefore, the Aussies are basically Brits, and their country is essentially an extension of England (even New South Wales). This means we win the Ashes every single time, and nobody will notice if cheap and nasty kangaroo meat accidentally enters the food chain.

The only downside is in shipping meat half way around the globe, when we could so easily buy better quality beef from Ireland. But no, that’s pouring money into the coffers of the evil EU.

You can shove it up your Union Jacksie.

BOWING DOWN BEFORE YOUR BETTERS : Encouraging advice for British farmers today from Downing Street and former UKIP candidate George Useless.

“Farmers should not take all this chit chat about beefy great Brexit trade deals as a warning about their futures,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “They should see it as the exciting opportunity to choose between being bribed off cheaply into a depressed and obscure retirement, or a great chance to retrain. To upskill. To upcycle themselves for the great world of tomorrow.”

The opportunities for farmers are of course endless. Especially those who have always dreamed of going into domestic service.

“Butlers will be in demand once the farms are sold off and the food they used to produce replaced with cheap imports from the Pacific region. Someone has to open the doors of the McMansions that will be built for a select clique of international tax dodgers. Why not be a butler? Or a maid? Or a groom? Or a groundsman if you want to stay close to the soil. This would be best. We won’t be importing any low rent EU labour. The Russian, the Chinese, the American man who will be the lord of your manor will want the correct accent when he stays that one week a year in his whitewashed cash mansion. Dinner is served Sir. With a rustic tone. As he gazes over the rolling hills upon which cattle used to roam.”

But if someone feels they’re not cut out for domestic service there is another opportunity.

“Spitfire pilots. Farmers can retrain as Spitfire pilots. We will need a lot of WW2 re-enactments to keep the populace in the right mental box to make a success of Brexit.”

Take heart farmers. The Tories last had untrammelled power in the 80’s. They demolished the traditional industries of what is now the red wall back then and look at the voting patterns in the areas today! Why shouldn’t they just break down your farms and sell them off for parts? You’ll get to like it. In the future a new generation of Tories will come along and offer you some flags.

WE ARE A SECURE NATION : A deep dive study into Brexit and how it could have been prevented has released an interim report today to reveal the findings so far.

The study has been conducted by a world famous team at The University of Heads Hitting Walls. Lead researcher on the project Professor Exasperation agreed to talk to us and lay out what he and his team have discovered.

“Brexit is only a surface project. In terms of what is said about it by Brexiteers. Clearly the real agenda is a new age of feudalism with Great Britain as the epicentre. The only industry will be money laundering. Everything else will be imported and the people can starve, so long as they toil for their lords. But the serfs may not have voted marginally for that, even with the illegal overspends which ensured the ref result secure and democratic. So the Brexiters lied through their teeth and are still lying through their teeth today, and bafflingly the official opposition is still going along with it.”

At this point we had to interrupt the Professor and explain to him he was now Professor Boring. He apologised and got to the point.

“Look. It’s perfectly obvious. Brexit was won on slogans. On appeals to the emotion. On digging into and bigging up misremembered history bleeding into nostalgia for a time when 1% of Brits ruled half the world. Thus if the EU had been smarter they could just have swallowed the bitter pill of renaming the European Court of Justice to The British Court of Justice. That way the Brexit voting demographic in the British populace would have assumed they ruled Europe and everyone would have forgotten about it.”

That’s more like it.

“I blame Europe. They could have saved us from ourselves by just changing one single word. That’s because we’re exceptional.”