QUEUE POLITELY AT FOOD BANK PLEASE : THE CULTURE MINISTER Oliver Dowden is famous for having been bred specially for his job in a tub of British made yoghurt and it’s given him special insight into the culture of our country.
Happily he is willing to share his knowledge and to urge the BBC to help him celebrate British values, at risk of being broken down into component parts and flogged off.
To help the BBC in its task of banging the drum for Blighty Mr Dowden has drawn up a list of the British values that we will now all celebrate. Unless we wish to be taken to a re-education camp.
“Queuing. Politely at food banks,” Mr Dowden will regale the country with later, as he unleashes his agenda. “Also having to be shamed by footballers into feeding hungry children. That is a contemporary value. It just feels Victorian. Calling MPs fancy names and titles. Very British. Electing the most disreputable figure we can find in our political life as Prime Minister. It really shows us off to the world.”
The list is clearly going to be a long one as what we value is displayed by how we are currently behaving both at home and abroad.
“Cutting foreign aide in the middle of a global pandemic. That shows how we value charity. Decreasingly. Oh and letting Priti Patel loose on asylum seekers. Just fantastic.”
But there is one action in recent years that really nails contemporary Great Britain and it needs to be celebrated.
“Voting for liars and following their agenda. We really value that. Just look at all the people who voted for a giant lie on a bus! And look where we are now. The British value of a great sense of humour has never been more needed.”