SHITSHOW STEAMROLLER : Downing Street have reacted angrily today to claims Prime Minister Boris Johnson had planned to be infected with the killer virus of our times live on television.
While not outright denying the rumour they have nonetheless reacted forcefully after the story was leaked, presumably by Bojo’s one time BFF Dom. Classic.
“Who hasn’t come up with a mad scheme while completely hammered?” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Have you seen the sheer number of traffic cones and policeman’s helmets littering the insides of 10 Downing Street? But to do such a daft and dangerous thing as deliberately inject yourself with a potentially lethal virus? You’d have to be a complete idiot. This is injecting bleach levels of stupid. It wouldn’t be an example of Blitz Spirit. The Prime Minister decided in the end to contract the virus by acting like a complete idiot instead. We got where we were going in the end.”
The method chosen eventually to catch the heavy, heavy cold was to go to a hospital and shake hands with everybody inside. Then wait. Dither. Delay. Use boosterism and false bravado to encourage a relaxed attitude in the credulous. Wait for the fever in the night.
“Admittedly that was incredibly stupid too. But in the PM’s defence he had just had a lobotomy live on TV. You all saw it. It happened when he floated the idea of just letting the virus sweep through the community. Take it on the chin. Back in the innocent days of herd immunity as policy because none of the people making the key decisions in the executive had a shred of common sense. British or otherwise. Only the PM took the lobotomy in the standard way, through the side of his head.”
And a little over a year later 150,000 are dead.
“In the PM’s defence, last year’s lobotomy wasn’t his first. He had an ethical, moral and spiritual one decades ago.”