BUILD BACK BIGGER BILLS : THE UK’S CHANCELLOR Rishi “bootstrap” Sunak has proven again that he hasn’t lost the common touch he was born with by taking action on the alarming escalation of energy costs for UK households.
“The decision to sell off the UK’s gas storage sites and leave the EU common energy market because it has EU in its name has revolutionised the UK energy customers relationship with global dynamics,” a Treasury source told LCD Views. “Mr Sunak understands that some voters maybe mildly alarmed by a threefold increase in energy costs over the last week. He has taken action to correct this.”
The action appears to be in easier financing for bills.
“UK consumers won’t be without heating this winter if they simply apply for an energy market,” the source explains. “The free market will provide the loans at levels similar to student loan debt. It will be very affordable.”
The length of the mortgage terms will be relatable too.
“You can choose any length so long as the bank is happy you can pay it,” the source adds. “A twenty five year gas fuel mortgage will not add disproportionately to a household’s outgoings, especially when you consider the extra income that can be generated by taking your children out of school and sending them to work.”
Mr Johnson is said to be supportive of the scheme, but that is mostly because he has zero understanding of how the country used to function.
“Neither does Sunak,” the source shrugs. “As such they’re well placed to help Britons avoid freezing to death this winter. Maybe.”
The mortgages can be secured against any valuables that your extended family may possess too.
“We’ll be making your pensions accessible to heat your home. If you can’t afford the repayments on your gas mortgage you won’t have to worry about paying the mortgage in retirement as you’ll be in the workhouse.”
We couldn’t have revolutionised the energy market in the UK if it wasn’t for Brexit.