EASY TO READ FORMAT : Outgoing Prime Minister, and by all appearances, amateur gangster, Boris Johnson has bowed to pressure and released his detailed plan for Getting Brexit Gone, we mean done, to the public.
“Saves time,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “someone is only going to leak it anyway.”
The plan, in triplicate, covers every angle Mr Johnson has turned his powerful logistical mind to since becoming Prime Minister.
He hasn’t just been cooking up inflammatory tabloid headlines to gaslight and confuse the public. He hasn’t just allegedly been praying that even more young women don’t come forward to say he’s had his way with them.
Not that it matters anymore. When you really sit and consider his character and what is publicly known of his past deeds, you’re only left with wondering how the f#ck he got to become prime minister. And also what it says about our political class, and broader public culture, if he’s allowed to continue being prime minister.
Whose hands are on the levers of power?
“This release of the plan, in triplicate, will certainly help the Conservative Party conference get underway in an atmosphere of bonhomie and confidence,” the source continued, “it’ll save Mr Johnson time too. When overly sceptical party members ask him what the plan is, he can just say, haven’t you seen it? Swagger on and knob some random blonde.”
But critics have been quick to point out that although being released in triplicate, there is actually nothing to it.
“That’s because Brexit is outstandingly simple as a concept,” the source clarified, “smash everything and burn it. It’s really perplexing why people who profess to love democracy keep trying to undermine it.”
What will happen after Mr Johnson’s plan is actioned is less certain however. The plan doesn’t appear to cover the days after.
“Well it will depend on which currencies Sterling is fluctuating the most against. But I wouldn’t worry your little head about it.”
A further wheeze to read the plan out loud to the conference has been abandoned though, as mostly conference attendees will be too busy scribbling over their personal copies of the plan with crayons and clapping like seals on demand.