Category: Tory Tory Tory

LESS IS MORE : THE GOVERNING CONSERVATIVE PARTY OF THE UNITED KINGDOM made a bold mark yesterday against the avalanche of snowflakery that threatens to undermine the character of the country’s deprived children.

They did this by voting down a motion from the opposition calling for them to feed children. Never has the moral character of the government been more tested than when faced with the gaunt and hungry faces of innocents who could do with a square meal.

“We had to make a stand,” Tory peer Lord Bastard of Bastard on Bastard told LCD Views, “you feed a starving child one day and he’ll just be back with the begging bowl the next. We didn’t spend the last ten years inflicting austerity unnecessarily on the country just to have to feed the poor children. They need to go out and find a proper job. It’s not our fault they chose their accident of birth so poorly.”

Exactly what work the hungry beggars should do isn’t entirely clear, as the job boom to come from Brexit doesn’t properly kick off until next year. Fruit picking, racketeering and so on.

“If they’ve got the nous to lift themselves out of poverty than they’ll club together and form a PPE company. Or they could be a Test and Trace consultant for seven grand a day. Perhaps a customs agent?” Bastard suggests.

“Don’t be a nurse though. Bugger all money in it.”

Clearly the options are plentiful and the need to avoid a life long dependency on food must be considered.

“You can imagine how rum it will get if we feed them a Christmas dinner?” Bastard finishes, “and if we keep feeding them through their schooling? They maybe able to focus on their studies or chosen sport. We could end up with an oversupply of professional footballers in the country.”

I HERD IT ON THE GRIFTVINE : LCD VIEWS’ imaginary law firm, LCD Law, has begun placing adverts in all major media outlets (and one or two minor ones, like the BBC) and wants to hear from you.

The subject is the United Kingdom’s Covid-19 track and trace service, which was sold to the country by some posh sounding old Etonians as “world beating”. And sold for a steal.

If you have been mis-sold the service you maybe liable for a no win no fee claim as part of our group action.

Already potential and completely fictitious clients are jamming our non-existent phone lines and filling up our inbox. Which makes a nice change from the deluge of spam we normally have to wade through to find the one or two genuine attempts at communication.

“I was told it was being ramped up,” Ms Citizen, 2020 Wotthefuk Lane, WTF on Sea, tells LCD Law, “but when I caught cold and opened my curtains all I could see was a shiny suited executive laughing at the contract Little Matty Hancock had handed them. No penalty clauses for poor deliverance? You’re having a laugh.”

And Ms Citizen is not alone.

“I saw billions of my hard earned tax money just vanish into the coffers of Serco and friends and nothing much come back,” Mr Citizen complains, “except Dido Harding looking confused.”

And even now, 10 months into the pandemic, there’s half an app and nowt much else to show for all the money you have poured into the ramped up private enterprise tasked with delivering, or not delivering the service.

“Anyone would think they’re trying to keep us outraged and confused while they pursue a pseudo science based idea of herd immunity,” Ms Citizen frowns, “but they wouldn’t do that. Would they? Not the caring Conservatives. That would be the actions of insecure men, overfed on privilege to compensate for their abandonment issues, who believe disaster capitalism is for the win.”

RIGHT FOOT FORWARD : THE VIRTUAL CONSERVATIVE PARTY CONFERENCE HAS BEEN MET WITH MORE THAN A FEW GLITCHES.

Most notable have been the frequent blue screen events in the middle of cabinet member speeches. Although some suggest that the outages may have been deliberate, in order to safeguard the mental health of the audience, and the country in general.

But one conference failure has been far from virtual and all too real.

The ‘2020 Shoelace Tying Award’ was to be a centrepiece of the conference, with MPs such as Matt Hancock and Christ Grayling favoured to seize the coveted trophy, with James Cleverly and Andrew Bridgen tipped as likely outsiders in a many horse race.

“We’ve had to cancel the award ceremony,” a Downing Street insider told LCD Views, “which is a shame as we spent a lot of hard earned taxpayer’s money having one of Margaret Thatcher’s pumps gold plated.”

The cancelling of the ceremony will have knock on effects. While ‘the golden shoelace’ is the most coveted prize for excellence available, there were also numerous runner up prizes set to be dished out.

“I think the criteria was too tough,” the source muses, “the bar too high. We should really have set the demand at being able to just really believe you can tie your own shoelaces, alongside an ability to source them from a firm set up last week by a mate of a cabinet minister. Actual evidence of ability was clearly going to disqualify everyone from the most obscure puppet parachuted into a constituency we didn’t expect to win, all the way to giant brain PM Cummings.”

But what will take the place of the award ceremony now?

“Some have suggested an actual tutorial on shoelace tying would be appropriate. But that’s essentially treason, to suggest we’re not up to it. I think instead we’ll just move the goal posts really wide next time to ensure lessons are learned and we all still get our rewards, in spite of the failure.”

No changes planned, but business as usual then.

BRACE! BRACE! : DOWNING STREET HAS MOVED TO REASSURE BRITS THAT THEY ARE ENTERING AN ERA OF LAWLESSNESS with no effective means of law enforcement.

They are. But that does not mean they are not safe, at least in specific and limited ways.

“People do not need to panic,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “especially not wealthy, armed people. We may have shot the sheriff, and the deputy, but that’s solely in respect of representative democracy and our international reputation, by forcing Tory MPs to vote against their manifesto commitments.”

But of particular concern is the new “Rule of Six” which came into force at midnight, a comfortable six seconds after the law change was published.

“It’s clear local authorities and the police services will be spending all week reading up on what we’ve done now to Covid-19 regulations. This may make it difficult to break up the roaming gangs of CV-19 afflicted citizens who can now be found walking the length and breath of the UK searching for CV-19 tests in illegally large gatherings. But your streets will still be safe.”

The safety will be provided by vigilante gangs of wealthy landowners.

“Any peasants found to have gathered in groups larger than six, and not hunting with dogs, will be taken care of by grouse shooting parties. Grouse shooting will still be legal because grouse limit our ability to effectively control Covid-19. This is because unarmed people tend to stop and gather in appreciation of them, rather than blast the living hell out of them for fun. But it’s not beyond the wit of Viscount Bothermere and his chums to ensure poor people don’t come together in gatherings larger than six. And because shooting parties can have up to thirty members, perfectly safely with no threat of virus transmission, this gives the elite no opportunity to be outnumbered by poor people or Covid.”

Further tightening of Covid-19 restrictions are planned later in the week, after a thorough consultation of the prime minister’s donors social planners.

MOONSHIT MOONSHOT : A CROWDFUNDER LAUNCHED this morning by an anonymous party, presumed to be “most of the country, definitely most of Scotland, NI and a lot of London”, has raised a blistering £100bn in the first 30 mins after launch.

The campaign’s aim is to raise enough money to convince the entire Tory Party to “just fuck off”, while there’s still something of the UK left to salvage. The timing is important, as it’s only a few months before Dominic Cummings replaces the Elizabeth Tower with a 350m statue of himself.

It’s hoped that more than the initial £100bn will be raised by the organisers, as a paltry £100bn is unlikely to be enough to convince the Tory Party to just fuck off while they can just pretend to wage war against Covid-19, while passing that much hard earned taxpayer’s cash and more out of the back door.

“We figure an even trillion pounds should do it,” one of the organisers emailed LCD Views to say, “it should at least be enough to convince Boris Johnson to just fuck off. Some of the ERG are more ideologically committed to the complete and utter destruction of the United Kingdom, so they may not come as cheap.”

However much is required it will certainly be money well spent.

“We were considering how much fuss the Tories made over that daft letter left in 2010 that said there’s no money left, and how there certainly won’t be once this current gang are finished looting the country. So it is worth donating. Cut our losses and hope they run.”

And the crowdfunder has an apt slogan to help advance its aims.

“Put your hand in your pocket before you find a Johnson in it.”

CARRY ON COUGHING : It’s not just health and social care workers who are paying the price of Downing Street’s mismanagement of the Covid-19 pandemic.

“No one is stopping to think about the commercial landlords,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “some of the balance sheet forecasts are so horrifying some landlords risking having to get a real job. Oh the humanity!”

To assist the landlords Downing Street is expected to call for a national ‘Clap for Commercial Landlords’, and anyone else who grows rich from property.

But while the national admiration and respect will almost certainly be welcome, if not justified, some landlords are said to be ready to bang down Downing Street’s door and demand more concrete action.

“People have to be forced back into office spaces Covid-19 or not,” a representative of an inheritance millionaire told LCD Views, “my family hasn’t worked since the Norman invasion of 1066. We don’t intend to start now, not so long as we can collect ever expanding, inflation busting rents. What good are claps? Have you seen any nurses banking claps? Keep your filthy hands as far apart as you like. If Johnson wants more donations he’ll have the army forcing in doors.”

It can only be hoped that Mr Johnson’s reply to the worried landlords, afraid that the free market may not save their balance sheets, won’t be “Fuck Commercial Landlords”, his standard response to pretty much everyone else negatively affected by his decisions.

As to who will lead the clap from the doors of Downing Street?

“Well it won’t be Carrie out with Boris, clearly, she’s allegedly fulfilled the terms of her alleged contract for another quarter,” the source advises, unreliably, “so it will have to be Robert Jenrick holding one hand and Richard Desmond holding the other.”

Perhaps they can put out a set of swings?

A* BY ANY HOLIDAY ALGORITHM : TORY MP for Foxbothering, Sir Cluster Fumble-sythe Othering, has published an open letter in the weekend press insisting that Prime Minister Boris Johnson deserves an apology.

The cause of the offence appears to be the apparent truncation of the PM’s thirty six week long break this year.

“It’s the students who are to blame,” Sir Othering says, “if the lower classes knew their place then the prime minister could have enjoyed his week yachting with that Russian businessman without distress. After Brexit there won’t be state schools. So that’s something.”

Sir Othering goes on to demand that “low born pupils, and their work shy parents” apply themselves to the matter of making “amends”.

“Can you imagine how upsetting it must be to finally get this week’s week off only for some pathetic squabble over grades to ruin it?” he adds.

“People no longer know their place. It is the ruin of Great Britain. Just look at the jocks!”

Sir Othering continues for a considerable time. The text eventually reaching the length of a novella.

And he has suggestions at the end for actions to follow the word sorry.

“A good dose of the clap,” he asserts, “that’s what the PM needs. I expect you all to give it to him. Every last ungrateful, barely literate one of you. 8pm tonight you are to give the prime minister the clap.”

It remains to be seen how deeply the MP’s demand resonates with the great unwashed, we will know at 8pm tonight and subsequently when the first post arrives at 10 Downing Street on Monday.

As footnote to the story Sir Othering followed up just before we went to print ourselves with a welcome clarification.

“The copy editor who prepared my piece mistakenly forgot to correct the assertion that the PM is yachting with a Russian. This is definitely not the case. The PM has been in a poorly erected tent that looks like it belongs in the 19th century on an angled cliff edge by the wind swept sea. With his mistress and someone’s baby.”

A further clarification is expected later regarding the parentage of the infant concerned. Happy holidays.

DARTH STAR TURNS : Serial failure Darth Vader now has a cherry on top of his peerage cake after his appointment to head the newly created Space Infrastructure Agency.

“Eyebrows were already raised earlier this year when Mr Johnson elevated his long term friend, Darth Vader, to the Lords making him Lord Vader,” our Downing Street specialist, Mr Cronyism, reports, “and the accusations of favouritism will surface again with Mr Vader’s appointment to run the plum new agency.”

Lord Vader himself was said to be “ebullient” and “grinning from ear to ear, not that you’d notice” at the appointment and believes his track record speaks for itself.

“SIA is actually the result of the merger of two concerns, the MOD and that failed satellite company the Tories just wasted £500m on,” Mr Cronyism continues, “although on the face of it a public enterprise charged with leveraging the UK’s significant weight in trade talks with the EU, by way of threatening their home planets with annihilation, it is expected that the agency will be galactic beating.”

Another facet of the new agency will be its role of transferring billions in public money directly into the pockets of some of the world’s largest multinationals, with no expectation of outcomes.

“The transferring of public wealth to private pockets is the outcome, the rest of it is just noise,” Mr Cronyism explains, “I expect Lord Vader will make an impact exceptionally quickly as the head of SIA. Rapidly replicating his achievements in the galactic war that saw uncounted trillions wasted and ultimately, total failure.”

Talk about failing upwards. Go Vader!

CUT THE BLUE WIRE : 10 DOWNING STREET doesn’t stop working just because the Prime Minister does and today it is expected to confirm trials of a new system of government have been successful.

“Uturnocracy was conceived by the same criminal geniuses that ran Vote Leave,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “it essentially allows you to move state assets to private hands, and the relevant cash bonuses, while everyone is agog at the complete and enduring shambles you are making of governance.”

The inspiration for the Uturnocracy is to be found in a more innocent incarnation of the current administration.

“It was George Osborne’s pasty tax that provided the lightbulb moment,” the source explained, “that was just genuine political nonsense, ideology attempting to be pragmatic policy and failing abysmally. But the magic was in how long it distracted the media and public before the inevitable U-turn was made. Genius.”

The key to the new system seems to lie in the area chosen to perform a U-turn.

“That’s where the genius superforecasters come in. Back in old Osborne’s day a pasty could keep the public and media obsessed for weeks. Those were innocent times. The US, Russian oligarch bankrolled libertarian kleptocracy was in its infancy then with Dave ‘the wonder’ Cameron blithely sleepwalking through the corridors of power. These days of course, like a junky on a perpetual decline, we need heavier fuel.”

And the heavier fuel that was chosen this time was the future of millions of school leavers in the middle of a pandemic.

“Sheer genius. Traumatising the masses unnecessarily? All the time waiting for just the right moment to do an about face? That takes nerves of steel. Or complete and total sociopathy. Actually, a bit of both.”

The new system of government will continue now.

“Until the public does a U-turn on us.”

BACK TO THE FUTURE : DOWNING STREET has confirmed today that Pretend Prime Minister Boris Johnson has written to the all too real International Monetary Fund requesting an emergency bail out.

The surprising move will of course please Brexiters, who are dead keen to get back to the 1970’s. A time when Britain was truly Great, and you could make racist jokes.

The sum requested is somewhat larger than ones asked for in earlier times, but this is largely due to the way inflation is impacting the cost of PPE.

“Rubber gloves are now worth more than gold,” an aide to UK Trade Tsar, Liz Truss, told LCD Views, “well, they are if you know the right people. It doesn’t matter if you have zero experience or understanding of PPE manufacture and supply. What matters is the confidence you project when you get on the phone. How difficult can it be anyway? If you’ve mastered casino trading, you can bloody well get some foreign chap to throw together a mask. Ha!”

And it’s not just the value per gram of rubber gloves that has blossomed, face masks are also rising in price by the hour.

“Forget the crypto-currency boom and bust, you want to get yourself into rubber,” the aide continued, “it’s a good thing money is all digital these days. I would need a basement conversion to store all the cash. Face shields are now worth more, by ounce, than palladium! Ha!”

It’s not clear at the time of going to print how the IMF will respond to Mr Johnson’s request, but some are urging caution.

“The main sticking point will probably be in the fact that it’s a loan,” our IMF specialist comments, “and not a steal. There maybe reduced confidence that the current UK government will have any intention of paying it back.”