Category: Tory Tory Tory

GEOGRAPHY SPECIALIST : The man who discovered the lost city of Dover, in a freakish moment of geographical revelation, has announced he has embarked on a new expedition to cover himself in more glory.

“I aim to uncover the door of 10 Downing Street,” hard thinking adventurist, Dominic Raab, told a sparsely attended press conference, “some say it can not be found by me. Or that if I do it would be foolish to enter it right now, with the dark star of Brexit in the sky. But I have more ambition than that. I have a buccaneering spirit that protects me from reality.”

In order to better his chances of success he has also looked back to history.

“History is littered with lost and dead adventurers. Men who led their teams off the beaten track never to be seen again,” he added, “I will do better than that. With me at the helm we can vanish without trace! And I am reaching back into history to guide myself and my team of energetic amateurs to glory.”

There followed lines about national humiliation and renewal that were uttered by men famous for seeking new territories in the late 1920’s and 1930’s. Which seemed more than unwise to us. Actually incredibly irresponsible. And proof of the veracity of the headline to this article.

Also more than a little clueless. He talks about the UK being humiliated in talks with the EU, when he led the talks that led to the humiliation he’s so upset about? He really is in search of reality.

“When we break down the 10 Downing Street door and enter our journey will only just have begun,” he added, “the ancient cup of Brexit awaits within and I will seize it.”

He mustn’t have heard that all who seize it perish. Or he’s too self-admiring to understand if he holds it he’ll go the same way.

“Competency is no barrier to elevation. I am proof of it.”

At least he got that right. Good luck Raab, with your talents, you’re going to need it.

ALL THAT SLITHERS : Tory favourite to replace Theresa May as Brexidiot in chief, Michael Gove, has taken a bold risk today by demanding he’s judged on his record in government.

”He did what?” our Court of Public Opinion correspondent asked, “he’s nuts. He actually said that? Himself? I mean that’s insane. Has he seen his record in government? Someone should show it to him. He’ll spend the rest of his days in prison if he’s judged on it. What a lunatic.”

The bold play is believed to be part of Michael Gove’s enduring love of saying something clearly insane in the expectation that if you say it with enough confidence no one will question you.

”It’s questionable if the people have had enough of experts, as an overwhelming majority did not vote for Farage the other week,” our correspondent muses, “but the people have definitely had enough of men like Michael Gove. Experts at all the worst instincts.”

How Gove expects to survive to the finish of the Tory leadership contest with this play is not entirely clear.

”Even his own colleagues will send him down for life on this basis. He’s stabbed so many in the back. And the front. And the side. I guess when you’re entirely conscience free it’s easier to move on and pretend you’ve left a trail of roses in our wake? And not the corpse of sensible governance.”

Whatever his colleagues in the Tory Party make of his request, the court of public opinion has already delivered its sentence. A justifiably harsh one, pending appeal, to make it even harder.

NEVER MIND THE BARNET : Boris Johnson is rumoured today to be going to the barbers again to get a new hairstyle to hoover up the youth vote.

“It’ll take the wind right out of young Rory’s sails,” an aide to Britain’s first prospective prime minister to be summoned to trial while on campaign said, “he’s thinking either a mullet or a mohawk. A hairstyle that’ll show the kids how hip he is but also trigger nostalgia in older voters.”

Which one he goes for won’t be clear until he premieres it with a high production video release later in the week.

“We’re going to film the action in the barbers in a fly on the wall style documentary. A stunt man will play the really tricky parts, like shutting up when the barber is using a razor to shave the sides of his scalp.”

Plans to go further and have tattoos added to the side of his head have been binned though due to problems with the design.

“It was felt sensible to go Viking, you know, Ragnor Lothbrok style, with Boris Johnson’s story tattooed alongside his head, but then we started storyboarded his life’s journey so far and it was quickly apparent we’d have to lie too much. It wasn’t clear the ink would take to adultery and just an epic amount of bullshit.”

How the other contender for the Tory crown, Rory Stewart, will respond to this naked bid for his core voter base is not yet clear.

“Little Matt is already doing parkour and indoor cricket. Rory is on his walkabouts, seemingly a sensible chap, but still promising Brexit, so actually completely insane, just like the rest of them. But I wouldn’t be surprised if he hits back at Boris with a nose piercing.”

Rumours that Dominic Raab is going to outdo the new Boris barnet with an epic session of planking are thought viable, because he’s already thick as two planks, so why not play to his strengths?