Category: Tory Tory Tory

GREAT GIANT PANTS FIRE BATMAN : Astronauts manning the International Space Station have released photos today to verify their claim the Tory leadership race is visible from space.

”While it appears to be just a single pair of flaming buttocks,” Doctor Astro Nought explained, “it’s in reality a massive conflagration. What you can see is Brexit, Boris Johnson’s never ending pants fire and Jeremy Hunt’s claim to have a heart.”

The fire itself has been burning since the 23rd June 2016, but over recent months has grown in strength and size as it consumes all available oxygen in the United Kingdom.

”It’s not exactly clear if the United Kingdom still exists,” Doctor Astro continued, “it’s somewhere in the ring of fire, between the two cheeks, but we haven’t had a clean image of the country since David Cameron resigned and Theresa May took his place as the big Brexit patsy.”

And the future of space photography of Blighty currently looks even more doubtful.

”The sheer volume of lies being uttered daily by any Brexit, and Lexit, promoting politician means that more and more pant’s fires are joining into the great big one that Boris Johnson sustains, much in the manner of a human candle.”

The scientists are aware they may face some blowback from pro-Brexit forces for releasing the photos, but they’ve done so in the public interest.

”What are they going to tell us to do? Leave and leave now? We’re already in space. This is the situation as visible from beyond the U.K. It’s what they claim to want. They have to deal with it. We just hope the fire can be contained before both cheeks explode like volcanoes.”

TRICKLE UP ECONOMICS : JOHNSON AND HUNT are on the same page when it comes to tackling the scourge of modern Britain which is social mobility. How to keep the bloody serfs in their place?

To answer this pernicious puzzle the pair have reached out to the overwhelming majority of the population that will choose one of them to be the next prime minister, with the promise of tax giveaways.

But they have hit by an an unwelcome, and unhelpful, barrage of criticism by an unelected, meddling technocrat at the unaccountable UN.

https://www.theguardian.com/politics/2019/jun/27/un-rapporteur-tax-cut-plans-of-both-johnson-and-hunt-a-tragedy

“The proposed tax cuts for the rich will trickle back down anyway,” a Torycentric economist explained, “the extra income will be spent on additional champagne towers which, after consumption, will trickle back down on the poorest, via the country’s urinals. You can thus describe the proposals as progressive. Everyone will feel them over time.”

Quite how the tax cuts will aide either possible Tory PM in also meeting their pledge to spend more on the NHS and education hasn’t been answered, yet.

“You don’t need to answer that. It’s obvious. People will spend more on the NHS and education as we continue the steady encouragement of privatisation into both. The taxpayer will spend more directly, thus tax spending on them will increase. We will just sensibly remove the middle man, ourselves, to achieve it. See? It couldn’t be easier. I don’t know why no one has thought of it before.”

And increasing equality among the wealthiest in society will be necessary if the country is to be readied for its post Brexit future.

“Those private security firms aren’t going to pay for themselves,” the economist added, “once we privatise the food bank sector and begin charging for food parcels. Wealthy shareholders will need to employ armed guards to transport food about, much in the way we currently do with money. In fact, if the promise of Brexit is fully realised, food will be money, that or your poor man’s flesh.”

If you’re part of the 0.3% of the population choosing the next prime minister, it’s all just grift for the mill. And underscoring the Conservative Party’s reputation of fiscal responsibility.

WELL DO YA, PUNK : As a result of Boris Johnson being too busy with arts and crafts to exchange verbals, the other contender for Tory leader, Jeremy Hunt, decided to exchange words with a terrified country instead.

Last night on Twitter the distant relative to Queen Elizabeth II found himself fielding questions on his Brexit Tory power stance.

The session was an illuminating one, with Mr Hunt relentless in the pursuit of dangerous idiocy.

And when asked about recent comments he made regarding his willingness to put a bullet clean through the head of the U.K. economy on October 31st, if necessary, Hunt had his pistol drawn, mostly in crayon but with some charcoal shading for effect.

“The country’s small and medium sized businesses will have to ask themselves a simple question,” Dirty Jeremy responded, “Do you feel lucky? Well, do ya punk?”

A subsequent question as to why he was quoting Dirty Harry yielded a .45 calibre response.

“I’m prepared to blow the heads of jobs clean off,” he said, “although who actually keeps and loses their job will be a question of whose feeling lucky. Did we fire all our extension requests, or do we have one left?”

A good question indeed. And one the unknown answer to is causing a lot of anxiety.

“Brexit is the most powerful economic weapon in the world, it could blow this country’s head clean off,” he reprised, just in case anyone didn’t get the message the first time.

”We don’t know what the EU will do if we pull the trigger on a No Deal Brexit come October 31st, but I’m feeling lucky.”

Feeling lucky is about the only policy the Brexit cheerleaders have ever had, but it’s a dangerous way to attempt to run a country.

ALL MESSED UP : Boris Johnson has hit back at criticism today that he doesn’t bother his pretty little head with the details of the subjects he talks about, in particular the most pressing one, Brexit.

“As Jupiter perpetually studying my Uranus,” Boris told the BBC, “I take the greatest, just the most severe care, to appreciate every wrinkle, every pinch point, all the multifaceted facets of the great circle of creation that is both my anus, where I keep my head, and Brexit.”

But pressed on the matter by a reluctant BBC interviewer, he was forced to underline his commitment to understanding his briefs.

“And let me say it’s not just my own briefs I take great pleasure in understanding. I also strain every sinew, every tendon, every limb and muscle to understanding how to get the briefs off any passing filly that catches my eye. To accuse me of lacking seriousness is to fail to appreciate the sheer volume of energy, of vim and verve I put into myself and my public image.”

And with that he found the clinching argument.

“The great British people just have to look at me jogging to see that the fitness of my character matches my physical fitness,” he finished, “and let me tell you, when I look in the mirror, constantly, I see a man who spares not the horses. I see a man who puts as much effort into details of his own hairstyling as he does into understanding the finer points of Brexit.”

SPILT MILKY GOVES : Is there now no honour among thieves? Gove is not keeping his powder dry today over claims Boris Johnson rigged the Tory Party leadership vote to ensure Gove was kept out of the final two.

“The only legitimate rigged vote is one in which I’m a winner!” Gove is rumoured to have slammed Boris, “we used to rig votes together.”

And it seems likely that the big winner of the taste of sour grapes will be Jeremy Hunt.

“Gove knows where Boris Johnson’s soft spots are,” our Westminster bubble insider advises, “he used that knowledge to destroy Boris in the leadership race in 2016 and you can bet your bottom dollar he’s already phoned Jeremy Hunt to offer his services now.”

But the alleged gerrymandering of the Tory leadership vote by the Johnson team, to ensure Boris kept out anyone who thought had a snowflake’s of beating him, is really just fitting for who will be the next to lead Brexit Britain.

“It all began with a corrupted vote in 2016, so perhaps we’ve come full circle and now it will end as a result of another one?”

Reasons to be cheerful right there. Blue on blue action in the Tory camp, which desperately needs unity to pull through. It’s mirrored by the clear Red on Light Red going on inside Labour, just as the country needs unity there too. What a fucking omnishambles is Brexit.

”Boris can’t keep a promise,” our fictional insider adds, “not to anyone, judging by his actions. Not to his wives, lovers, employers, or the country. So let’s just settle back as the country slowly sinks and see what cards the latest underhand dealing leaves him holding. He’s likely to have to keep promises to Brexiters. Good luck with that! Reality holds the ace.”

And as for Gove? He’s guaranteed to be selecting his sharpest knife today and taking out the voodoo doll of Boris he keeps in his drawer. He’ll be twirling the point of the blade in the centre of the back.

There’s only one winner in all this. It isn’t the country, but in late July, for just one day, it might be Jeremy Hunt.

IT’S NOT ABOUT THE BELLY : Great news that the Tories have whittled down their leadership race to a choice of two middle aged, wealthy, white men to exactly mirror the majority of their membership. Then approximately 0.2% of the population gets to vote on who will be the next prime minister. Democracy, innit! Taking back control from the plebs!

Still, the race itself started with diversity, an unprecedented number of Jeremy Hunts, from varying backgrounds (mostly varied by the degree of obscurity they hailed from), threw their hats into the ring.

The Tories were up to the challenge though and have successfully selected the two biggest Jeremy’s to fight for the chance to finally kick the country right in the Jeremy Hunt.

This will be done by obliterating the NHS, our international reputation, economy, liberties and if they get really lucky, they’ll get to frack what’s left of the environment.

It’s a startling contest and you’re the prize!

One of the Jeremy Hunts appears to be more clownish than the other, but underneath the bumbling exterior is an overtly racist Jeremy.

Another of the Jeremy’s is married to a foreigner from either Japan or China, depending on whether you ask Jeremy Hunt, or her.

Whereas The other Jeremy has an unknown and apparently unspeakable amount of little Jeremy’s running about. Whether he’s lost count or doesn’t care to count, who can say? It’s not really your business how many illegitimate children the next prime minister has fathered. Well, fathered in the sense of sperm donation.

None of this is very helpful. People who have chosen to write on the subject are aware there are only so many times you can use Jeremy Hunt before it becomes offensive. And it already is.

But now, with one Jeremy having a name that’s an American euphemism for a cock, and the other Hunt being rhyming slang for a traditional British insult, we feel a little overwhelmed by Jeremy Hunt’s ourselves, and none of them of the natural kind.

So let’s all grow up together and take the contest as seriously as the biggest Hunt in it is likely to do. So, not very seriously at all. Good luck. We’re all going to need it, as the biggest of the two Hunts looks certain to win.

Top Tory Brexiters have become even more offensive today as they take the fight to avoid personal accountability for the clusterfuck the Tory leadership race is direct to Brussels.

”It’s the EU’s fault for forcing Westminster to hold the 2016 EU referendumb in the first place,” A Piercing-Idiot told LCD Views, “and now for forcing us to hold a leadership contest because of their intransigence. They’e made us look like complete prats.”

The EU is far from perfect, but endangering our central place in the power structures of the largest trading bloc on Earth? By forcing David Cameron’s hand? Lest he lose a few more votes to deluded racists? And now forcing the Tories to change leader with Brexit dying on its feet?

Well, that’s not cricket. We can see why the Tories are enraged.

“It’s the French and the Germans, they’ve never gotten over Britain defeating them in two world wars and one world cup.”

And Peircing-Idiot isn’t alone.

Figel Barrage.

Jacob Reeks-smogg.

Iain Duncan Isacompleteidiot and numerous others who would have been for appeasement in the late 1930’s are gearing up to make sure everyone in the U.K. knows exactly who is to blame for Boris Johnson looking like a total pillock.

”Whose fault will it be when we install an absolute sociopath who thinks poor people starve because they’re too lazy to hunt?” Piercing-Idiot wanted to know.

“Whose fault will it be when we refuse to negotiate and stick to our new red lines that intentionally contradict the legal treaties and agreed principles of the EU? Making it impossible for them to give us a deal? It’s not like we want a complete disaster to profit from.”

Good questions.

”Whose fault will it be when we ration bread and aspirins and the police die of exhaustion stopping hoodies raiding LIDL?”

I think you can stop asking the questions now Piercing-Idiot. We will know exactly whose fault it is.

FINGER TO LIPS : “Just don’t speak” is the advice being proffered to the five remaining Tory leadership contenders, after last night’s televised debate.

“If we all go into hiding together then we can’t screw up becoming prime minister,” Michael Gove is rumoured to have said, “perhaps we could form a coalition and govern together? As chums. Light a fire and sing some songs?”

Boris Johnson is believed to have considered the idea, thinking it would make him look like a leader, as the other four would be following his earlier lead in the campaign.

“If it’s a walking escape then I’ve got a map and a compass,” Rory Stewart, Weyland-Yutan’s missing link between the Ash and Bishop androids (made famous in the early Alien films) was heard to respond, “I even know a great cave we can hide in. It has eggs inside. We won’t go hungry.”

Sajid Javid didn’t say anything. He was said to be searching his childhood memories for something relevant to say.

And as for Jeremy Hunt? He’s said to have offered to lead also, saying he would walk backwards and all the others had to do was “look into my eyes, don’t look anywhere but my eyes” and they’d be safe.

It’s a good idea. After the shouting match by the men who knew too little it’s clear that the phrase “a government of all the talents” will not be used again in the UK anytime soon.

What is certain is that the less they speak the better now and the next Prime Minister of the United Kingdom may well be someone who wasn’t in the room last night at all.

Happy trails boys. Just start walking. You’ll be doing us all a favour.

A FLASH WAR OF WORDS: Tory leadership frontrunner Boris Johnson MP is expected to give a major speech on immigration, in the coming weeks, to counter the accusation that he’s just a little bit racist, sometimes.

“I’m not a racist, but I love language that brings the plaster down from the ceiling” is the anticipated opening line in what is anticipated to be a barnstorming speech of Churchillian proportions, if Churchill was an irresponsible, serial adulterer with an exceptionally loose relationship to that hot blonde known as the truth.

“Truth and me, we’re friends with benefits,” Boris is also expected to say, “I shag her senseless and get out of dodge while she sleeps! Waa haa!”

Other lines in the speech are rumoured to be taken from Mr Johnson’s catalogue of classic race focused material.

Such memorable words like when he dallied with Islamophobia, and the encouragement of it, by calling women in burqas “letterboxes” and “bank robbers”. A classic right wing riff that’s really playing to the gammon in the gallery.

And no one can forget his amazing Telegraph column in 2002 in which he wrote :

“regular cheering crowds of flag-waving piccaninnies” and “the tribal warriors… [who] all break out in watermelon smiles”.

But he’s not without the human touch for his fellow men and women, no matter what border there is to cross.

Don’t ever forget his deeply moving words about the victims of the Libyan civil war when he said :

“The only thing they’ve got to do is clear the dead bodies away and then we’ll be there,” he declared, believing once all those irritating corpses were cleared away the location could be the “next Dubai”.

Perhaps he would have been a little more circumspect and brushed with humanity if those dead bodies were in a country a little more white? We can’t know.

Then there’s the casual dismissal of the risk of violence in Northern Ireland. The old colony ought to no its place. What value does anyone who is prepared to risk death and disorder there via No Deal place on the lives of the Irish?

In fact he’s got so much material to draw on to prove he’s not a racist, but, we’re going to share an article below that lists the lot.

https://www.newstatesman.com/politics/uk/2019/06/boris-johnson-s-racist-insults-dog-whistles-and-slurs

Boris means Boris. Boris backs Brexit. Brexit is a project championed by Nigel Farage, a man happy to mimic 1930’s fascist propaganda on a poster during the Brexit referendum campaign.

Is Boris a racist? Or is he just a deeply irresponsible demagogue happy to use the language? Does it matter if there’s a difference if he encourages racism with his words and deeds? It’s not going to make any difference to the people voting for the next prime minister. And that’s a situation that puts a massive but after the values traditionally espoused by the United Kingdom.

As the race to find our next hapless Prime Minister completes its first lap, more details have emerged about the televised debate that will take place between the final two candidates.

The BBC have announced who will chair the debate, and in a break from tradition, the job will go to Jeremy Kyle.

“We wanted someone who was used to holding his own amongst such a high level of backstabbing, lies and manipulation,” producer Dee Bates explained. “None of our usual presenters have quite the right training in that, but Jeremy just seemed perfect.”

It comes at just the right time for Kyle, whose long-running ITV show was recently axed. When asked for comment, he replied:

“It’s a challenge and no mistake. I know I’m used to dealing with family feuds and paternity suits and all that backstabbing, but the majority of today’s tory politicians are a whole different level of human scum.”

He subsequently confessed to calling Jerry Springer for additional advice on the matter, although what his American counterpart said to him he is keeping firmly under his hat for the time being.

“I’ll tell you that after the debate,” he added, with a grin.

To provide additional commentary, the BBC have also enlisted the help of David Attenborough, whose experience of observing wild animals is second to none.

“David is just the man we need for this,” Dee Bates added. “He can interpret the behaviour of wild animals, so he should be able to make some sense of the leadership candidates.”

The combination of Jeremy Kyle and David Attenborough must rank as one of the most unlikely television pairings of all time, indeed this reporter can’t think of anything to beat it.

The debate will take place on june 16th.