Category: Tory Tory Tory

Tory Gonna Tory : The United Kingdom’s foremost social intellectual, and former Prime Minister, has spoken today about his joy at seeing a solution to the “ghastly spectacle” of “wilful, hippy slummers” cluttering up London’s pavements with camping equipment.

“They must think the whole of London is a camp site, like some sort of holiday park in Devon,” he told LCD Views, from the steps of a fetching garden shed that cost as much as the annual average income. “It’s not. It’s really not. Good fences make good neighbours. We need to look at fencing off pavements and introducing credit checks to use them.”

The decision to target the capital’s most vulnerable will be taken by many as the natural continuation of the work begun by the former PM.

“When we talked about the Big Society some thought we meant Pig Society,” he snorts, “but what we were really up to was cloth headed ideology in action, in the real world, spiced up with demonising those who weren’t born with our advantages, and as a neat cover to nick the family silver off the public while everyone was blaming some veteran with brain damage for the national debt we caused, while nicking the family silver.”

The enduring legacy of a man some are calling “Britain’s greatest living fourth worst Prime Minister” is certainly something for him to write home about from his shed.

“When we began making life harder for the vulnerable back in 2010 we knew it would take time for the project to come to fruition,” he comments, “but seeing the tents of the homeless thrown into bin lorries in Camden shows how solid our vision for the UK was. This is the Big Society in action. Weeding out the weak. And if you can’t weed them out you can at least put something on top of them so they aren’t visible to a playboy oligarch driving his sports car about while shopping for an accountant to help him find a tax efficient way to move money to London.”

But still he’s not entirely satisfied.

“We aren’t quite there yet, as a people,” he adds, “once ordinary, hardworking British taxpayers turn out in mobs to skip the tents then I’ll be satisfied that the Big Society I envisioned has been fully created.”

MORE MONEY THAN SENSE : GREAT BRITAIN’S first Prime Minister for 2023, Rishi “Richie Rich” Sunak, has come up with a world beating plan to tackle the ramped up NHS waiting lists, and pretend the NHS isn’t in total collapse.

While woke, lefty, snowflake, yoghurt knitting idiots point to years of wrongheaded reorganisation, done to splinter the NHS and make it vulnerable to profiteering vulture capitalists, underfunding, disincentivising the workforce, negative immigration policies, running the pandemic like a public cash for Tory donor takeaway service, and a broader ecosystem of human hating economic policies, which pile extra burden on the health service, Sunak knows the real problem is some teenagers don’t study enough maths.

“Maths is like a sentence and some students aren’t serving their sentences long enough,” a 10 Downing genius tells LCD Views, while pointing to the above paragraph as an ideal sentence length. “And just think of the advantages of boosting a fantasy policy to capture a day’s headlines? That’s one day everyone isn’t focusing on the lethal mismanagement of the NHS from central government. That’s canny politics.”

Supporters of the plan to make kids study calculus at eighteen, regardless of the fact they may have no inclination or gift for it, and could profitably be doing something else, say the plan has innumerable benefits.

“It’s not just distracting the news cycle for a day from the collapse of the NHS,” one Tory brain box screams, blood surging through his veins, “it also distracts from the fact we’ve catastrophically mismanaged the economy since 2010, worsened the Channel crossing problem, trashed the UK’s international reputation with Brexit, deeply harmed our food security, overseen an energy price crisis like another golden profiteering opportunity for chums, have zero empathy for anyone not born with a silver spoon up their jacksie and so can’t understand why hungry people are striking, and so much more.”

Although critics point out, you don’t have to be a genius at maths to count the ways the Tories have harmed the UK, you just have to live here for a day. We can all stand outside and clap to that.

TO GAIN THE WHOLE WORLD BUT TO LOSE YOUR SOUL: It’s a small price to pay. Like gaining your sovereignty but losing your economy. 

The Conservative Party leadership race is rapidly approaching its nadir. The race to the bottom has yielded a straight choice between two unpalatable options. The nouveau riche upstart from the Colonies, or the swivel eyed inbred traitor. Fishy Rishi or Loony Liz?

It’s too early to pick a winner. Or a loser. And we are so far down the rabbit hole, so far through the looking glass, that it’s impossible to tell victory from defeat. We are going to need a bigger Lewis Carroll metaphor. 

Which brings us to Liz Truss, the mutant offspring of Humpty Dumpty and the Queen of Hearts. She wants to win the hearts and minds of the Conservative Party membership, who will determine her fate. She will set out to achieve this by being both heartless and mindless. 

“I’m bringing back the caring, compassionate face of Brexit Britain,” intoned Truss in her robotic voice. “I’m in favour of tolerance and inclusivity for all.” 

How is the cruel, expensive and illegal Rwanda policy caring and compassionate, asked a brave hack. 

“Off with his head!” screeched Truss. “When I use a word like ‘compassionate’, it means exactly what I want it to mean!” 

The summary execution of one of the despicable wokerati will have gladdened many a moneyed black void in the Home Counties. 

How did you journey from being a Lib Dem member and a Remainer to a hardline Brexiter? What are your true principles, asked another daring soul. 

“Principles are just a commodity to be bought and sold,” snapped Truss. “Follow the money! Like I did. In politics, the best lesson I ever learned was how to empty my pretty little head and slavishly obey the highest bidder.” 

It will be pork barrel politics from Prime Minister Pork Markets. 

THE MIDAS TOUCH : BRITAIN’S most successful bullshitter and also its Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, has spoken to the Conservative Party’s MPs this weekend to fill them with “vim and vigour” ahead of the local elections next month.

It’s widely expected that the governing party may pay a price for twelve years of ruining the country in the service of greed and flawed ideology, but not if Boris can do something about it.

The decision to journey to the Underworld was thought to have been inspired by Mr Johnson’s vague recollections of the Classics he studied at university, even if most of his energy at the time was dedicated to shaming oiks who got into Oxford on scholarships.

“It will be like Eurydice and Orpheus,” he told the captured audience. “Or rather Rydice and Boris as the EU has nothing to do with it!”

It’s not yet known how he convinced the Gods to allow him to enter Hades on his quest or which Tory donor paid the Ferryman to allow him to make the passage. Focus has turned to domestic donors after the Ferryman announced he was no longer taking payment in roubles.

But unlike the famed and tragic Greek hero of myth Mr Johnson is not anticipating any perverse conditions placed on his quest to lead Mrs Thatcher away from death and back to life.

“The Gods of the Underworld can’t wait to get rid of her,” an insider told LCD Views. “She keeps attempting to sell off the infrastructure to private interests and banging on about how her father had a shop.”

If Mr Johnson is successful he plans to undertake a national tour with the reanimated Goddess of the Tory Party to revive its electoral prospects.

“We can’t keep on promising a lovely day tomorrow when it’s clear all we do is ruin the place,” one Tory MP commented. “But bringing back Thatcher? That will perfectly complete the rehash of the 70’s were currently overseeing. She’s the right figurehead to oversee the response to the coming food riots.”

I’LL HAVE ONE NUMBER FROM THE TOP ROW, RACHEL, AND FIVETY FROM ANYWHERE ELSE: And with any luck you will be able to calculate Priti Patel’s chances of becoming Chancellor. With Rishi Sunak under pressure after outing himself as a typical Tory, the search is on for a safer pair of hands. The Countdown is on. 

Patel herself is under pressure at the Home Office, being a bit too hostile and misanthropic even for Conservatives to stomach. Many feel she would be better suited to banishing money to far-off lands, instead of people. 

“I would say that she is odds-on favourite for the job,” claimed financial commentator Algie Brah. “Or is it evens? Are the odds evens? Does the Prime Minister know? Anyway, it all adds up. Patel will make a fantastic Chancellor. Her numerical skills are firsteth rate, and she is excellent at division!” 

Patel would have to square a lot of circles. This might be difficult, even for her, given that the sole abacus owned by the Treasury is (allegedly) still calibrated in Imperial measures. 

“It’s definitely a conundrum,” admitted Brah. “There’s no cash available to spaff on log tables or slide rules. And only 30 seconds to solve it. Patel is planning to kidnap – I mean, employ – Ukrainian boffins to calculate the value of all the backhanders in brown envelopes distributed by Putin. The rouble is changing value all the time, and the government needs to know their value in Sterling. For their accountants, you know. Got to keep on top of one’s undeclared income.”

An announcement will be made at eleventeen minutes past midnoon o’clock this Sunderingday. 

There will be hell to pay, of course. Just to have Patel on the government’s books will cost us three hundred thousand, thirty four, nine hundred and seventy four thousand pounds. 

And that’s Numberwang. 

ALL THAT GLITTERS : THE UK’S MULTI-MILLIONAIRE CHANCELLOR, inheritance millionaire and lucky in love man of the people, Rishi Sunak, has hit back at claims he doesn’t know the cost of everyday items for hardworking British men and women.

Earlier this week in an interview with lifestyle magazine ‘Silver Spoons’ the Chancellor appeared to suggest that milk was £200 a pint leading to criticism that he is “out of touch”. Mr Sunak isn’t having that and after an extended session with his personal stylist he emerged with both fists clenched.

“Only an idiot would claim that milk costs £200 a pint,” Mr Sunak beamed to camera, his shoulders pleasingly squared by a Saville Row tailor and his smile fixed to the point of pain.

But not everyone is buying it after close analysis of one of the Chancellor’s daily press photos revealed a glass of liquid gold in the background. Expert analysis suggests that maybe Mr Sunak’s milk does actually cost £200 a pint?

Defenders of the man most likely to replace Liz Truss as Britain’s PM after the next scoffed at the claims.

“Mr Sunak doesn’t dirty his mind with knowing how much his Wagu Milk with Precious Metal Flavour costs. Such comments are beneath the dignity of a man who struggled out of obscurity to be the most photographed Chancellor the UK has ever had. Now, let’s focus on the real issues, the upcoming cut to VAT on begging bowls for children under 10. Means tested of course.”

And there is some substance to Mr Sunak’s clarification. Analysis of his plans to help with the cost of living crisis, he’s helping to cause, reveal so much inflation coming down the line milk will become a luxury item.

“He’s titled his plan – The Plebs Are F*cked – so he’s not wrong. He’s right. Economically very far right. He’s a Brexiter don’t you know. So he’s hasn’t got a clue mate. Good luck.”

IT’S THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR: No, not Christmas, but the Annual Tory Backslapping Awards. One of the most hotly contested awards is even more than usually interesting this year.

Indeed, candidates are almost literally queueing up for the gong. The David Davis Thick As Mince Award has attracted any number of outstanding candidates.

There is Nadine Dorries, who is nominated every year, but has excelled herself recently. Dorries, who justifies her selection every time she opens her mouth, is threatening the BBC for actually reporting the news. Why can’t we be more like America, runs her ‘thesis’, with properly partisan propagandists like Fox News? Dorries is currently the bookies’ favourite for the award.

Consider Oliver Dowden. But not for long, as it can cause permanent damage. Like gazing into the sun, exposure to Dowden is likely to impair your faculties. His claim to fame being ‘disgusted’ by the revelation that parties were taking place both illegally and under his nose. He is angry because he neither noticed nor was invited. Dowden is another front-runner.

Then there is Nadhim Zahawi. The Education Secretary has been on the news programmes more often than most, although never to talk about education. Not the best liar, he was challenged to defend the absent Prime Minister’s latest ridiculous excuse, implicitly. After repeating himself several times, and crowbarring the word ‘vaccines’ into every other sentence, he gave up trying to understand what exactly ‘believed implicitly’ means. Maybe, by realising that his boss is talking bollocks at last, he has exempted himself from the running.

Of course, no competition would be complete without Boris Johnson trying to skew the odds in his favour. He is currently trying to spin his pathetic excuse that he is ‘self-isolating’, despite there being no obligation at present, as stupidity rather than cowardice. In any event, he will dress up in hi-viz and cosplay as the winner.

Meanwhile, there are no nominees for the Competent Conservative of the Year prize.

TIME GENTLEMEN TIME : PRIME MINISTER BORIS JOHNSON is on the receiving end of some ferocious Whatsapp’s today after the true scale of his 10 Downing Street lockdown parties was revealed.

“It wasn’t just a couple of close friends over for a few sneaky drinks,” a member of the newly set up PRG (Party Research Group) told LCD Views. “Basically it was one endless party all through lockdown. AND I WASN’T INVITED.”

The failure to invite the most insane headbangers in the Conservative Party to the 10 Downing Street hypocrisy festival now risks endangering the Prime Minister’s position.

“What’s the point of being in the Tory Party if you don’t get to laugh at the plebs with all the other chaps?” the PRG spokesman demanded. “He’s treated us like filth. He may even have been laughing at us? This is untenable. Clearly the deep economic harm and mass death is of no account, but to be snubbed like this? Stuck at home with the bloody wife while the PM was partying the night away? He can’t recover from this.”

Although all may not be lost for Mr Johnson with Westminster rumours suggesting he is planning a repeat of his 2019 strategy of just removing dissenters from his party.

“He’ll have to find people crazier than the 2019 intake of Brexiters to replace us with,” the PRG notes. “Good luck with that. We’re completely swivel eyed, batshit, thick as two planks meat puppets. We’re irreplaceable. Wish is why he should have invited all of us to the parties. Then we could all have denied they happened together, just like we daily deny reality on the pandemic and Brexit.”

BEHIND CLOSED DOORS : GREAT NEWS FOR THE STRUGGLING ENTERTAINMENT AND HOSPITALITY INDUSTRY IN ENGLAND TODAY after 10 Downing Street advertised overnight for an official Party Planner.

The position which has a start date of “Sometime in the coming week or two” brings with it an impressive salary and raft of benefits and the chance to “polish your reputation as the go to person in England to organise a secret balls [up]”.

But critics of the decision have rounded on 10 Downing Street and said that the pay on offer is too high. Although they were happy overall with the decision as “laughing in the face of the populace is a necessary function of Johnson’s style of government”.

“£140K a year to work for the Johnson’s?” one Tory backbencher commented. “By the time you’re through you’ll be as credible as Stratton. It’s essentially an advertisement to sacrifice your dignity and credibility. Why am I only paid £80K to do it when I have to work five days some weeks? This is a slap in the face with a wet party popper to Tory MPs who sacrifice their integrity for tens of thousands of pounds less each year. Either we get an invitation to the parties during the next lockdown or a pay bump. It’s one or the other. The Prime Minister must decide or we’ll claim to set up a research group and milk the public purse to fund it.”

But supporters of the Prime Minister have claimed the new role must be filled immediately as he’s “screwed the pooch so thoroughly again” when it comes to the pandemic.

“Herd immunity via natural infection is still the bedrock of England’s pandemic policy,” one noted. “It’s hardly something to party over. The NHS is yet to collapse under the strain because old Bojo doesn’t have the guts to push through. He pulls out each time, which is not what we expect of him given his personal history. Ask any of his girlfriends or mistresses.”

HO HO HO : Outgoing British Prime Minister Boris Johnson is reported to be ready to “make amends” to the country for parties that happened at 10 Downing Street last Christmas while the country’s plebs were ravaged by an out of control pandemic.

“He’s going to dig deep into his dressing up box and find a seasonal outfit,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “He’s going in further than ever before. He’s going right to the bottom of the barrel and he’s going to scrape it until he comes up as Father Christmas.”

The decision to dress seasonally will be a surprise to the country as he normally just “blindfolds himself and picks out an outfit at random”. This time he’s actually thought about what to wear rather than “surprise himself and have aides sort out the details of a walkabout”.

A mass of photographers will be on hand as Mr Johnson emerges ruddy cheeked from the doors of 10 Downing Street with a big white beard “hastily stuck on and hanging half off his chin for the amusement of onlookers”.

“He will go on a national tour and give something special to everyone,” the aide beams. “If you haven’t had the virus yet you will after a visit from the PM!”

The visit will start at the nation’s primary schools so children can “take that little something special home to their parents”.

“No one knows what variant they’ll get from the Prime Minister which is what makes this Christmas so special.”

Critics have rounded on the decision though and decried the lack of novelty.

“There’s nothing new happening here,” one said. “He dresses up as a twat daily anyway and the pandemic policy is to let it rip until everyone in the country catches it. What difference does it make if he dresses up as Father Christmas?”

Downing Street has dismissed the criticism though and said the PM will “shake hands with everybody until they’re too sick to do anything about it.”