Category: Tory Tory Tory

Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but Boris Johnson is not a man to be missed about. Warning bells sounded when a Downing Street staffer inadvertently revealed that the PM’s fridge has a child lock.

Johnson has been reported MIA, or possibly missing in inaction. It is a bit of a long shot, but it looks possible that he was asked a difficult question at work. Something like, “Do you have any plans to visit flooded areas of the country?”. His normal course of action is to conceal himself within a cold storage unit until the panic dies down. Unfortunately it appears that he was unable to get out again.

Nobody, it seems, can open the fridge. None of the dogsbodies and yes men have managed to crack the code, even “Classic” Dom Cummings has struggled (if not for very long).

What they really need is a child. Unfortunately they are banned from Number Ten in case they turn out to be Boris’s.

In desperation, members of the Cabinet were called in to help. Dominic Raab failed to realise the significance, and retreated, sweaty, temple vein throbbing, to the sanctuary of the House of Commons bar. Jacob Rees-Mogg instructed his under-butler to release the lock, but he turned out to be more Wooster than Jeeves. Priti Patel, realising that the fridge was not of British make, simply deported it.

Meanwhile the sack of Britain is being achieved without its idiot in chief. The longer Boris Johnson remains AWOL, the less likely any parliamentary business can be carried out, and the more looting and pillaging can be done by the unelected bureaucrats running the shitshow.

The fridge was well stocked with champagne and nibbles, so Johnson is unlikely to have starved to death.

The Fire Brigade has been called, but has not yet turned up as it has the unenviable job of putting out a country on fire.

Johnson may go down on record as the coolest prime minister of all time.

File Under ‘Irritable Duncan Syndrome’ : Brexit Britain is going to need to see nurse a lot and it’s going to need a lot of nurses on the front line, happily Matt Hancock has the solution (all the time).

“It wasn’t easy to swallow my hypocrisy,” the UK’s health boss told a scantily clad press conference earlier today, “having invoked the war dead in the service of my leadership ambitions, I then had to do a regulation about face when it was clear it wasn’t my time to lead the Conservative Party, but Dominic Cummings’.”

https://www.theguardian.com/politics/2019/aug/31/matt-hancock-rows-back-from-views-on-suspending-parliament

“I almost needed a nurse, until I realised my elevated pulse and temperature was just a mild dose of hypo-crisis. Once I accepted that prorogation of parliament, unlawful as it turned out, would please those boys who died on those beaches, the symptoms receded, much like my conscience.”

So far, so good, but what’s this got to do with trade negotiations?

“I like finding solutions. Optum, that giant US private health insurer, some say they could be a solution to future NHS funding, but I couldn’t possibly comment. To sell out the NHS to US private health interests would be to go against everything those men died on those beaches for. I’ll probably say that. We will have to wait and see when I’m not an entirely imagined Matt, like now, but the Matt of the future.”

https://www.mirror.co.uk/news/politics/health-firm-handed-7million-help-21556330

There’s absolutely no risk to the NHS by allowing a US private health company to assess the risk categories of patients. It’s not like it’s part of some long term plan to raid the equity of Brits over 55, even though US interests have allegedly identified private home ownership of the over 55’s as the UK’s biggest asset store. Imagine if people needed to sell their homes to pay for health care? Like they sometimes do in the US…imagine if the party of government had many MPs with links to US health insurers?

“And now I see IDS has a problem that needs a solution,” Matt wandered on, “well I have the solution. Iain says we don’t have sufficient skill at trade negotiation. That we need to call in the experts. That now the brain dead, empire fetishising Brexit MPs have shoved through their project thanks to industrial scale psychological manipulation of a vulnerable electorate, and a certain amount of disregarded electoral crime, that it’s time to get the people who said ‘Don’t do it!’ back in house to carry the project forward. Who better to blame? Ha! Well I say stop. Stop right there. Why waste valuable public resources when I’m already working on the fix.”

Which is?

“There’s no need to hire expensive trade negotiators. I’ll just train those 40,000 new nurses in trade negotiation. It’s not like it’s brain surgery. Which is exactly what I’m also proposing to train them to do. The doctor will see you now? No. Nurse will. She charges less.”

POLITICAL GASTROENTERITIS: The Conservative Party maybe a little hard up for funds currently but thankfully they’re a party of natural businessmen.

“We’re selling a range of consumables to keep ourselves in funds and in power,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “we can rely on offshore media owners to keep manufacturing the consent of the downtrodden, that’s true, so long as offshore tax arrangements remain efficient, but that doesn’t mean we can’t apply a little old fashioned, Conservative will do to the matter.”

To this end the party is selling items for you to buy to keep them in the black.

“Not something we normally want to be! Ha!” The spokesman added, “although to be fair our ability for bigotry does extend to all people misfortunate enough not to be born in England. And you can help us by buying toilet paper. Not just any toilet paper. Boris Johnson, ‘Got Brexit Done’, toilet paper. When you wipe in the mornings think of Boris and feel the pressure ease.”

But while there will be a full range of everyday items for you to buy, one or two obvious consumables will be missing.

“There won’t be any Johnson themed condoms. Who uses the bloody things anyway? Not one of nature’s natural pollinators. Oh, and there won’t be any Johnson themed cleaning products. No need to clean up a mess, just keep moving onwards. But there will be a Johnson guide to fatherhood available soon, but it won’t include any help in numbering your children. Those sort of details only distract. It will include handy tips on how to play hide and seek. Not with your children. But definitely with their mothers. This man is now running the country, can you believe it?”

But what price point will the toilet paper retail at?

“How much money have you got? However much that is. After Brexit, you’ll need it. The toilet paper will be cheap, cheaply made, be careful you don’t put your fingers through it! Got your Brexit done? It’s a daily event. Now you’ve something appropriate to wipe away the evidence of it.”

WHO HOSTED THE OLYMPICS IN 2012 SURELY IT WASN’T THIS PLACE : THE 8TH JANUARY is a proud day in our country’s story and you should now mark it in your diaries, year in and year out.

“It’s a proud day for liberal, tolerant, outward looking Global Britain,” Mr Kipper Kippering, MP for Kippers, junior minister in the new Department for the Kipperfication of [Little] Britain told LCD Views. And wasn’t he just red of face and beaming.

“The 8th of the 1st is the day your People’s Government said NO! to child refugees!”

Isn’t he proud of himself. And everyone who voted for this government should be proud too. You’ve set your staff on the slender bridge of safety for lost children and said ‘No refugee children shall pass!’

A bold move for a country so fixated on arms sales.

“It’s shuts the bleeding heart, liberal snowflakes right up too,” Mr Kippering went on, “those folks who said Boris would change once he’s in office? Pah! He’ll change alright. Total power will make him able to separate families of all kinds without a backward glance. He’ll change? For the better? Mwahaha. I’m crying.”

But as much as some may criticise the move and suggest even that it adds wait to the argument that Brexit is an inherently racist project, Mr Kippering has a ready retort.

“Have we caged them? NO. We’re not letting them set foot here to begin with. I guess we best check none of them are white? They’re aren’t any white refugee children are there? Oh no, wait, that doesn’t matter, given we’re setting in store making thousands and thousands of EU27 families illegal. Whack ho! Global Britain! Here we go!”

Get out the RED WHITE AND BLUE bunting Britons. You’ve changed the humanitarian standards you’re governed by and there’s still a long way to go.

KEEP SCRUBBIN’ : NEWLY CREATED LIFE PEER NICKY MORGAN is said to be permanently at the bathroom sink this week attempting to wash the taste of her career out.

The problem appears to stem from doing whatever it took to stay on the green benches. And now to get up to the red ones in the House of Lords. No amount of hypocrisy or contradiction of her own stated principles has been too low to go, and now she’s been rewarded.

“We all remember the heart warming scenes of her madly guffawing alongside Boris Johnson in the last democratically elected parliament of the (former) United Kingdom,” a Downing Street source commented, “as the country slid into the sewer of lies and confusion and Nicky clapped along with the best of them. That’s the extra mile right there. It’s got to be rewarded. You see what happened to all those idiots like Soubry and Allen. Where are they now?”

How long Mrs Morgan will stay in her cabinet post, now that she can just slum about the Lords, is not yet certain.

“Well it no longer seems likely that there’s a moral boundary Mr Johnson can cross that will see her leave with the best of them,” the source shrugged, “and complex maths, at least as far as the NHS is concerned, doesn’t appear to be a problem either. So we will just have to wait and see. There could be no depth he could plumb that will be too low.”

LCD Views would like to congratulate Morgan on navigating a tricky path between her conscience and ambition. We trust that in time the bad taste will fade.

GOVERNMENT OF THE LOONS : JACOB REES-MOGG ESQ, re-elected last Thursday by the good people of North-East Somerset, has spoken optimistically about what he expects from the new parliament.

“To be seen as the voice of reason and moderation,” Mr Mogg told LCD Views, via an interpreter, “it’s hard to imagine there are too many Grieves, Gaukes and Soubry’s in the new intake of Tory MPs. Just imagine what sort of character watches us in action the last few years and thinks, I’ll have me some of that hot action, baby?”

And while Mr Mogg’s attempt at hip talk is distracting, he has a point.

“Mark Francois has a majority of about 31,000,” our election analyst, Mr Moving Toireland comments, “I mean, it’s hard to fathom how that happens? And how it keeps happening? So if the good people of Rayleigh and Wickford can do that, and keep doing it since 2001, what does it tell you about what will have happened now that Labour voters have gone clinically insane?”

That’s a point made even stronger by the fact that many of the candidates selected to break the ‘red wall’ may not have been vetted that carefully.

“Cannon fodder, the lot of them, but now it seems cheerful bouncing bombs,” our analyst continues, “Mr Johnson can get out of the dead cat game and move on to governing for US private health interests, as expected. Once the new parliament is up and pumping we’ll have plenty of spontaneous felinicide to distract us.”

Whether or not Mr Rees-mogg will enjoy being seen as a sensible, middle of the road bit of lobby fodder, remains to be seen.

“You’ll be welcome of his calming presence,” our analyst shrugs, “sometime next February when the new MP for some town in the north that even the north has forgotten about, starts demanding we depth charge the French fishing fleet, you’ll be relieved to hear someone attempt to calm things down with some latin they learned while lying to the Queen.”

STICK ‘EM WHERE THE SUN DON’T SHINE : THE CONSERVATIVE PARTY KNOWS BUSINESS and they know when they’re onto a money spinning winner.

And there’s no better time to make money than after a successful general election campaign. It’s not just the donations flooding in from individuals who would rather fund a political party than the NHS. It’s also the merchandising possibilities. They are endless.

“The general election campaign paid for itself, with a profit,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “just the VHS sales of Boris Johnson ripping off ‘Love Actually’ alone paid for several new letter boxes in the Cayman Islands. So too the eco-friendly coffee cups, modelled by Mr Johnson himself on the steps of the short hop aircraft he uses to avoid traffic.”

But VHS tapes and coffee cups aren’t the only collectibles on offer. The Cons are also reacting to events as they occur and monetising them immediately.

“There’s the special range of Boris Tonka trucks, they’re for sale now and will make the perfect gift for the spoiled brat in your life. You can’t build anything with them, which is fitting, but you can certainly demolish a GP surgery or two,” the source advises, “and now we’re manufacturing Boris Johnson fridge magnets to capitalise on his hide ‘n seek job Boris does whenever trouble is brewing. This first happened while he was basically trolling the entire UK by pretending to be a milkman. He hid inside a fridge. Which made for some fun for all the boys and girls. Where’s Boris? He was here just a moment ago? Has that reporter got anything to do with his disappearance?”

This sounds great. There’s always an accountant or lawyer’s bill that needs sticking to the fridge, to ensure one’s tax arrangements remain efficient.

“Yes. Fun and useful. Not every day you get to say that about Boris Johnson. And best of all is the slogan on the magnets.”

What is it?

“Stick ’em where the sun don’t shine.”

WHY WALK INTO A LAMP POST WHEN A HAND WILL DO : Healthy Secretary Matt Hancock has been famous for receiving £32,000 pounds from a think tank seeking to abolish the NHS for some time, but now he’s adding other strings to his stringy little bow.

https://www.independent.co.uk/news/health/nhs-privatisation-donations-matt-hancock-health-secretary-institute-economic-affairs-a8442001.html

“He’s nailed social media,” our campaign analyst nods approvingly, “have you seen his videos? Journey of the haunted man. Quite compelling. Or is it the journey of the empty vessel? I guess given that he invoked the actual war dead from WW2 as part of his joke play to be PM, and then reversed his stance regarding prorogation for short term careerism, well, empty maybe more appropriate.”

But he wasn’t finished there. The high points keep coming.

“Yes. Now he’s gotten involved in the Leeds Infirmary story. The Tories needed something to show they care about the NHS and sick kids. Which they don’t. Quite clearly, or they wouldn’t have spent the last ten years underfunding the NHS and cutting resources to children’s services,

“Anyway, I digress. The story of a four year old with suspected pneumonia was just the ticket. And what timing too! As they suddenly needed a way to distract from Boris Johnson stealing a reporter’s phone as the reporter attempted to show that bloated blonde bag of fetid wall spaff an image of the four year old. Here the head begins eating the tail of course,”

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/av/uk-politics-50717400/general-election-2019-johnson-puts-reporter-s-phone-in-pocket

“So little Matt was dispatched to Leeds Infirmary for the first time in his life to show he was action Matt. And what luck when he got there to find a few Labour activists. Now all the party of government, that’s been waging economic war against the country’s most vulnerable for years, needed to do was find a way to convert the whole thing into the perception of them being under attack. They did this by having one of Matt Hancock’s aides walk blindly into the back of a man’s hand. Then they claimed assault. Then Kuenssberg and Peston, and others, went off like little puppies with a treat to yap the news to everyone.”

Then the video of the event emerged?

“Yes. Funny. Given how enthusiastic Little Matt is about putting videos on social media that it didn’t occur to them that someone may video the event and put it on social media.”

Didn’t occur to two of the country’s most highly paid ‘reporters’ either.

Funny that. The truth will out. If the latest bit of GE farce makes you wonder if the Tories are just making everything up as they go along in a desperate spin cycle, then you’re probably right. I wonder what they’ll go on to make up if they’re allowed to keep running the country?

YOU WON’T NOTICE ANY DIFFERENCE: When the cool kids at CCHQ need a bright eyed boy to use as a useful idiot they’ve many choices nowadays, but none as bright eyed as little Matt “men who died on the beaches” Hancock.

“Right from the moment little Matty invoked the war dead in a cynical attempt to become head monkey in the scat shower we knew he’d do anything for us,” a new source inside 10 Downing Street told LCD Views, “I mean if you’ve that little principle you are Grade A modern Conservative. So Matt is the right choice for what we like to think of as a thought experiment crossed with real theatre.”

And real theatre it will be early next month when Donald Trump lands on these shores to interfere directly in the UK GE 2019.

“We’re still choosing the place to hold the event. Potentially on Downing Street. Although Matt is pushing for somewhere outdoors with statues to the heroes of the past in the background.”

But while the place is yet to be decided, the action is nailed down and bolted.

“Matt will walk solemnly to the stage holding a toast rack and wearing a standard hospital gown. Then he will lay down on a trestle table hung with Union Jack bunting.”

At this moment Donald Trump’s motorcade will arrive and the bigliest brain of them all enter the scene.

“Donald will be wearing a t-shirt branded with US private health companies logos. He’ll be holding a small hammer and what will look like an ice pick, but is actually a surgical instrument. From there it will be a simply matter of pausing dramatically for impact, before he does the deed.”

It’s thought no one will notice any difference in Mr Hancock’s behaviour after he is lobotomised.

“And that’s the secret to why it will make such a convincing argument that selling the NHS lock stock to US corporate health will be as safe as houses. After all, Donald did it to himself years ago and look at him now?”

PUBLISH AND BE DAMNED : The Centre for Advanced Lying and Chicanery, generally called CCHQ, has hit back today at criticism it attempted to deceive the public over the Labour Party’s manifesto.

“Well it’s not like we can campaign on our record in government,” a bemused insider told LCD Views, “honestly, people are so idealistic. Lying is all we’ve got. So we’ve got to use it. Fair’s fair.”

But the plea for reasonableness is unlikely to get them much sympathy, as hoodwinking is now their only modus operandi.

“It worked a treat in the advisory referendum campaign in 2016,” he went on, “you’ve probably forgotten the £350m lie on that Boris bus. The invasion of the Turks. The Breaking Point poster that the old scallywag Nigel used to leverage a nostalgia for WW2 race based propaganda to such good effect.”

No. We haven’t. In fact the unpunished deception and racism used to gain the marginal win in the poll, riddled with lawbreaking, is unforgettable.

“It’s only reasonable that we should use the same immoral strategy now. It’s not like we can run on mass expansion of the food bank sector! Ha! No matter how uplifting Victorian spindleturd Jacob finds them.”

But it makes an already uneven playing field a potholed zone of democratic nightmare.

“Which is just how we want it. Also to be completely unaccountable of course. But don’t worry, our own manifesto, if we ever bother to publish it, will be a total and utter complete fabrication too. You won’t be able to believe a word in it.”