Category: Royal feature

Her Majesty the Queen will not make a traditional Queen’s Speech this time around, the Palace has revealed. Strange times call for strange measures, so instead Her Majesty will perform a medley of her greatest hits.

Palace spokesman Kurt C. Nicely fleshed out the detail for LCD Views.

“Her Majesty will set the tone with a rousing chorus of Killer Queen,” he said. “One’s a killer Queen, gunpowder, gelatine, dynamite with a laser beam, and guaranteed to blow your mind. Any time. Sort of appropriate, don’t you think?”

We were eager to know which other songs made up the medley.

“One’s Going Slightly Mad,” replied Nicely. “One Wants It All. Another One Bites The Dust. Brexitian Rhapsody. One Will Rock You. And to finish with, One Wants To Break Free. Finally, Brian May will play God Save The Queen on the roof of Buck House.”

One wants to break free from the lies, you’re so self-satisfied, one doesn’t need you. Sounds like a manifesto for change.

Nicely confirms that Her Majesty’s famous dogs will be in attendance. “If Paul McCartney can have a Frog Chorus, Her Majesty can have a Corgi Chorus,” he claims.

But Nicely refused to confirm that the Queen was intending to include the lesser known track Death On Two Legs as a riposte to Boris Johnson.

Rumours that the Queen will grow a moustache, don a leotard and prance about her parlour in a suggestive manner have been greatly exaggerated.

“That would be ridiculous!” said Nicely. “Her Majesty doesn’t want headlines saying Lady-o Ga Ga, does she?”

Unfortunately, none of this has any bearing on the government’s future plans. But since the only plans on the table are crash out, call an election, Escape From The Swamp and bugger off sharpish, it doesn’t really matter.

Nothing really matters, anyone can see. Nothing really matters to one.

WE WILL BE HIGHLY AMUSED : Television networks are never known to be slouches when it comes to capturing live entertainment in the world of politics. For years now we’ve been treated to the sight of reporters pointlessly standing outside buildings in the rain, relaying hearsay of what is going on inside. Sometimes even at taxpayer’s expense.

“And you can be reassured that when the Queen dismisses that big old fraud Boris Johnson it will be wall to wall networks right outside,” A BBC executive told LCD Views exclusively today,

“and if we win the bidding war we’ll even have Laura loitering outside the door of the room in the palace it’s happening in. Glass to door. Ear to base of glass. Every last wiffle and piffle and waffle and bellowed refusal to stand down captured and relayed breathlessly through her tears. Or maybe through Witchell’s tears? As he’ll presumably think this one is his.”

But it could be even better than that. It’s rumoured that even now the Queen is donning her battle armour and proceeding south from Balmoral to dismiss the rogue prime minister.

“We are urging her to do it when Mr Johnson is giving his leader’s stream of consciousness at the Conservative Party Conference this Wednesday,” the executive advises, “just stride right on stage and hand him his P45 on the point of a claymore. That’ll wake the audience of the living dead up.”

Of course it’s just as possible that Mr Johnson maybe at home in 10 Downing Street with the younger woman he left his wife (while said wife was undergoing chemotherapy) for and the Queen will need someone to batter down the door.

“We can film it from the cameras on the helmets of a SWAT team. That would be even more exciting,” the executive oozed, “the Queen stood outside the door to 10 Downing Street, shield raised, sword with P45 impaled at the ready. Half a dozen black clothed special forces officers before her. Someone applies a small measure of plastic explosive to the door. Carrie’s face peaking out from the curtains. Cut to Boris Johnson inside desperately shredding papers in a back room. Bellowed commands. The charge on the door explodes and in they go!”

Live streamed dismissal of crap PM Boris Johnson? It would make his greatest loss yet a ratings first! And we’ll all be watching and waiting.

WE ARE NOT AMUSED : Queen Elizabeth, the second of her name, and Empress of the United Kingdom and Northern Ireland, has taken to twitter to hit back at voters criticising her for not saving them from themselves.

“It is One’s fault you elected complete bellends to the run the country?” The Queen tweeted early this morning.

Instantly there was speculation that one of the younger members of the household had taken control of the royal twitter account. Breaking the silence in defence of the realm.

“You had not worked out that Dave “hug a hoodie” Cameron was an intellectually vapid lightweight, just doing what any billionaire funded think tank suggested by 2015? So you gave him a majority?”

Well, um…I didn’t vote for him.

“Then even after the shambles of the EUref, and the ensuing chaos, broken promises, exposed criminality and yawning gulf between assertions by Brexiters and reality, you decided to give Theresa “dementia tax” May just enough seats still to cobble together a majority with a wedge of cash to a gang of creationists?”

Look, I didn’t vote for her either.

“And it’s my fault parliament is suspended, now that the biggest charlatans of the lot have managed to get their hands on the levers of power?”

I won’t vote for them either!

“Leave off. Get your own house in order before you trash talk me. Maybe if you tried protesting day after day, rather than twice a year, you might get somewhere.”

It’s definitely not the Queen tweeting, but we get the point she’s making.

WE ARE NOT AMUSED : Uproar and furore today at the news of more public money being lavished on the ever expanding Royal Family.

“The royal carriages are being replaced by banana floats in preparation for Brexit,” our avid royal watcher reveals, “and it’s believed to be payback for the Queen’s EU hat. No one escapes the wrath of the Brexit zealots. Not even Her Maj.”

But while payback for heretical hat milinerism is thought sufficient justification for the update to royal mobility, our expert suspects it’s cover for a more altogether fiscal motive.

”The government needs the gold off the carriages,” our watcher guesses wildly, “to pay for the ever ballooning cost of Brexit. It’s not going to pay for itself after all and we’ve all to chip in and share the cost.”

Quite what price the government will get for the kilos of vintage gold is not certain, as it depends on the daily fluctuations in the gold price.

”I wouldn’t be overly concerned about that. There’s a few MPs receiving donations from across the pond by US gold speculators. Totally above board. No conflict of interest. HMG will have the inside track on when best to sell it all for scrap.”

And when best is likely to be tricky. The gold price is set to surge if Donald Trump ever gets over his aversion to US soldiers coming home in body bags, and making him look bad, or in the event of a No Deal Brexit.

”I guess they’ll go to Hatton Garden and sell the lot sometime in October when old Bojo finally has to face up to parliament. You can sell the lot, if you pick the right shop, no questions asked. And the banana floats are fitting anyway, symbolising Brexit Britain, now all we need to do is convince the Queen to abdicate and become a republic.”

Brexit is set to make us the 51st state of the USA anyway, so that’ll see to that.

THE EXPRESS BOOK OF BABY NAMES : THE CRAZED British tabloid, The Express, has acted fast to put the new royal baby under pressure by demanding he takes a truly globe spanning name.

In a Twitter spree following the announcement of the arrival of the long awaited seventh in line to the throne of England (by the time he comes of age, the way the UK is going), the newspaper did its best to not be a prat, but then failed.

“Geographical baby names aren’t a bad idea,” our nativity specialist mused (though), “numerous hippies named their kids India in the 60’s. Half of Australia was named after royals, Melbourne, Victoria, Bass Strait, so it can go the other way too. Which is a bit like an ocean, it goes both ways, so there’s a surprising logic here, which has never happened before with The Express.”

Whether or not Harry and Meghan will take heed of the paper’s urging and advise their bouncing baby boy to call himself Atlantic, or Atlantic Ocean, is not yet clear.

“Other things unite the US and UK currently,” our specialist went on, “such as an impending sense of doom, so Dystopia may not be a bad choice and one that The Express does its level best to encourage. But perhaps not that fair to the baby concerned. The only risk with Atlantic is that it risks the child becoming confused with the longstanding American journal of the same name, but that paper is nowhere in line to the throne, so the baby will win out just by accident of birth, should it come to a legal fight over domain names.”

We genuinely wish the new family all the best of luck. Theirs is not a path we’d like to tread, given how heavily it is plagued with tabloids.

Our only sour note was the discovery that the headline ‘Baby human born’ has already been used by other silly pages countless times.

Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II is said to be not amused today after some lackey from central government informed her personal security of plans to evacuate her, once everything goes to hell in a handcart with Brexit.

Our breathless royal correspondent has more, with one long sentence  :

“The Queen, resplendent in a blue and gold, star studded gown, with matching hat,

”a gown, it is rumoured, although the photographic record from the period is patchy, once worn to executions by her ancestor Queen Elizabeth the One,

“and who began her long and glorious reign with weekly visits from prime minister Winston Churchill, who maybe a divisive figure for some, but is certainly better than the blue computer screen of death that is Theresa May, who the Queen now suffers for an hour a week with groans she is unable to stifle,

“was overheard muttering early this morning,

‘One didn’t see that on the side of a big red bus!’,

”when told of emergency plans being drawn up by government to evacuate her, once the food queues turn to violence five minutes after Brexit.”

But while the emergency evac plans, modelled on Cold War ones, are just sensible contingency planning by a responsible government, about to unnecessarily plunge a country into crisis, with the flaccid acceptance of the official opposition leadership on Brexit, there has been some controversy.

”They’re exporting her to Europe,” our correspondent informs, pale, trembling and worried who he’ll follow around fawning after, “we didn’t send the EU £350m per week before Brexit, and now let’s send them the Queen instead?”

The House of Commons is an unusually quiet place today after Queen Elizabeth exercised her sovereignty over the elected chamber and issued an ASBO on all MPs, after reportedly “having had it up to the rafters with the lot of them”.

“The Queen, resplendent in a blue dress studded with golden stars, with matching hat, and slippers by Giveittome, issued the anti-social restraining order at a little before midnight last night, after reviewing that evening’s votes in the House of Commons on Tatler’s official twitter feed,” our royal features correspondent reports, before going on to opine,

“Her Majesty, who can draw a direct line back to King Alfred the Great, via some not so great monarchs, and some really rather decent ones, has ginormous palaces, so if she’s had something up to the rafters, well, that’s a lot of something.”

It’s reported the ability to slap an ASBO on the House of Commons is one of the few hereditary powers still vested in the crown and the Queen doesn’t issue them lightly. And normally only to Prince Phillip.

“The sheer girth and weight of the seal press used to affix the red wax to the parchment detailing the ASBO requires the help of several ladies in waiting, just to get it into the air,” our correspondent continues,

“from there the Queen issues the traditional call of ‘stand bally well back chaps!’ and releases the seal to land with a thud in the wax, affirming that Her Majesty is sick to the back teeth with you, whether those teeth are dentures or not, we can not say.”

The royal order will stay in place until such a time as the House of Commons takes “the opposable digit out of its posterior and moves to protect the food and medicine supplies of the British people, not to mention the economic livelihood of millions of my subjects, that the leaders of both the Conservatives and Labour seem to think are balls to juggle between them like a rancid pair of clueless jesters at a debauched feast put on by Henry VIII.”

As a side note, bookies are now taking bets on which MP will be the first to break the conditions of the ASBO, with the smart money being on David Davis getting hammered at the Commons bar and deciding it’s time to give an interview on how we just have to hold our nerve and the EU will collapse.

“That’s just nonsense,” our royal correspondent says, “as Davis is clearly going to be the first to collapse after challenging himself to a drinking contest. He’ll be up before the magistrates by the weekend, shabbily dressed in a suit that needs pressing, with a waft of too much aftershave, after busting the terms of the ASBO, if he’s not careful.”

Queen Elizabeth II has left the pretenders flailing in her wake this year by topping the Christmas 2018 singles music chart with her own cover of the Sex Pistols classic ‘Anarchy in the U.K.’

”The reworked lyrics of the time honoured classic by the old punk outfit, Reproductive Activity Armaments, otherwise known as the (whisper it) Sex Pistols, really capture the sense of anticipation one’s subjects feel in consideration of the rapidly approaching new year,” someone claiming to be Queen Elizabeth told us over a line that was a little bit crackly, “forgive the noise on the line, that’ll be Camilla listening in with another handset. NO. I’M NOT ABDICATING TODAY. HANG UP. YOU’RE MAKING THE LINE CRACKLE.”

But while the surprise smash hit by the Queen, who has styled herself as ‘Your Maj’ for the recording and had her hair redone in classic punk for the press photos, has sent ripples through the music industry, the single hasn’t been without controversy.

”She’s recorded it on a golden piano,” our music correspondent said. “but she’s laid down such a heavy drum track while mixing the track that you can barely hear the sounds of the actual ivory being played.”

Critics have also pointed out that the presence of a golden piano is a total shock, given the Queen’s net worth is only a few hundred million.

”I’m not even sure she should be playing it to be honest,” our correspondent speculated, “if she wasn’t the Queen she’d likely be in hot water with antique conservationists.”

Rumours that the Queen plans to go on tour, set fire to the golden piano on stage while performing her smash, and then smash the piano up just to show how her subjects should negotiate 2019 in a spirit of nihilistic unity fitting for Brexit, have been confirmed at the time of going to print.

Queen Elizabeth II found herself the subject of unusual criticism today after she broke royal protocol attempting not to be photographed with a man apparently the American president, for the moment, but who is generally suspected of being a bag man for both Russian and American organised crime.

”It’s disgraceful!” Russian ambassador to the U.K., Nigelski Farageski foamed on his daily BBC Radio 4 slot, ‘Turd for the day’,

“No one has proven Trump works for Putin. And if we can successfully cement the hard right fascist takeover of two of the world’s most celebrated former democracies no one ever will.”

Other key figures supporting the coup, generally referred to as Brexit in the U.K., also addressed the Queen’s stunning breach.

”We see now how far the shambolic United Kingdom government is willing to go to ignore the overwhelming wish of the people to do business with fascist thugs,” Jeremy Corbyn, leader of the Labour Party, and lifelong Eurosceptic chipped in,

“now they’ve even dragged the Queen into the sabotage! Not that we should even have a monarchy. A waste of taxpayer money that could be better spent nationalising jam production and establishing hard labour camps for people who undermine the leader.”

We won’t forget this either your majesty!

”She can forget about her invitation to the wedding when Trump trades in Melania for a younger, blonder model!” Farageski added.

Pressured to explain why she deliberately attempted to embarrass the visiting American blowhard, a spokesman for the Palace heaped insult on injury.

”It was an accident. I mean, the actual walk together,” the spokesman said, “I don’t know which idiot at Downing Street thought it was in the UK’s interests to force the Queen into a photo op with a guy who will end his days in prison for treason? She much prefers Saudi princes here to buy bombs to drop on Yemeni’s.”

The only tenuously valid reason our team of avid royal watchers can come up with is that the Queen broke protocol by forcing Trump to go before her, thinking it best to be able to see his tiny little hands at all times.