Category: Really fake news

LET THEM EAT CAKE : 10 Downing Street has triggered another controversy of the “one rule for us and another for them” category today after a completely unfounded and fabricated rumour was invented and published.

The rumour takes its inspiration from the extravagant spending of the UK’s real royal couple, the Johnson’s, who hit the headlines for donor funded wallpaper right when they were trying to keep meals out of the mouths of hungry children.

Events this week, as the U.K. food supply chain continues in uninterrupted meltdown, will supply even more opportunity for double standards.

“It’s important the the plebs understand that they are plebs,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “This is why Mr Johnson and his cabinet of clowns routinely break the ministerial code and the actual law without consequence. But you just try not paying a parking fine and see what happens to you. Ha! Plebs!”

This understood it makes perfect sense for the couple to spend a rumoured two hundred thousand taxpayer pounds to have a McDonalds’ thickshake flown in from Brussels. Brussels was chosen because of its EU resonance and also because it still has a milk supply to fast food outlets. We don’t because of Brexit.

Everyone will be able to share the joy as Mr Johnson sucks on that straw until every last drop of thickshake has been consumed.

“He’s going to live stream drinking the shake and then laugh at you all for a full hour,” the source adds. “After that he’ll take questions on how good it tasted and whether or not having it flown back on the expensively repainted Union Flag jet added to the flavour?”

A SPLASH IN THE PAN : There was always going to be a long list of losers and losers from Brexit, something the pushers of the crystal meth of politics were determined to point out.

Who can forget the long list of memorable warnings such as “We don’t hold any cards”, “Once we leave we’ll starve”, “We need the EU more than it needs US” and “Listen to the experts – they all say Brexit is batshit”, but merrily went the Great British into a toothless wilderness.

But one loser is feeling it more keenly than most. Nigel Farage’s dry cleaner who fears that Brexit will now bring him bankruptcy.

“It was great a year or two back,” the anonymous small businessman told LCD Views. “Remember when the fash were getting milkshaked the moment they stepped outside? Fantastic for business. All those donor bought Saville Row suits needing dry cleaning? And milkshake is bloody hard to get out. Even when I did my best old Nige would still have a whiff of sour milk with his usual cologne of stale fags, stale beer, halitosis and 1930’s beliefs. So he’d buy a new suit and bam! Milkshaked again. What a hoot!”

Sadly for the dry cleaner to the stars the good times are now in the past.

“That’s it for me. The McDonalds’ milkshake crisis spells the death kneel for my business. I don’t know what I’ll do now? Unless some fishermen can be found to fling burley at him? That’s a long line though. I guess I’ll have to retrain for a new career in cyber. Or maybe as a ballerina?”

At least for the evergreen menagerie of British politics it’s a happy day. Mr Farage can now go goosestepping about the town and not worry about an incoming shake to take him down.

SOME PEOPLE JUST WANT TO SEE THE WORLD BURN : Sorry news today for Brits anticipating the revival of traditional British festivities with the announcement that the endless ‘pingdemic’ has claimed another victim.

It was anticipated that a winter edition of the classic Wicker Man festival would be held up and down the length of the country to celebrate a full of year of freedom from the tyrannical EU and its supply of much needed skilled labour and food. Sadly the Wicker Man has been contacted by the NHS App and told he has to self-isolate.

“He won’t be able to practice for being burnt now,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “You don’t just rock up and set fire to yourself. This isn’t Brexit. Intense training and preparation is needed. By the time the Wicker Man comes out of self-isolation in September there won’t be enough time left to prepare.”

The cancellation of the festive day is a double blow as a special giant sized vegan sausage roll had been commissioned from Gregg’s to be burnt with the giant wicker statue. Gregg’s have refused to comment, but one prominent front bench Tory MP is said to be “fumin'” as she calculated the incineration of the controversial snack would really “fire up her base”.

There were already rumours that the special day was in jeopardy because of the imposition of a surprising range of new red tape from Brussels simply because we left the trading union with the EU27.

“This is provably false and just another pathetic attempt to smear Brexit,” the source explains, “patriotic Brits had already supplied enough 70’s wicker furnishings that they had laying about in their sheds. The Wicker Man was done and ready to burn. It’s the pingdemic.”

As a consolation for the loss of the festival Brits will be encouraged to come together in green spaces near their homes, put up the Union Flag bunting and just punch themselves in the face for several hours.

“Everyone has been doing that since mid 2016. It should be a very professional display by now of what Brexit means.”

A MISTAKE ANYONE CAN MAKE : The UK’s best loved beachgoer Dominic Raab is said to be taking some time out of his busy schedule this morning to just be amazed.

It’s important for everyone to pause now and then and process their life. The endless grind of modern work doesn’t allow sufficient time for most to reflect on their life experiences and order their minds. This is not a problem for Raab. Firstly because of the size of the mind there is to order and secondly because he’s really good at downing tools, no matter what’s happening at work.

“Mostly today I’m going to be amazed at the sheer number of the UK’s security services,” he told a webcast on Onlyfans, “it was only relatively recently that I realised it’s not just the M5 and M6, there’s the M1, M2, M3, M4, hang on I’ve got to change hands to keep counting. Wait. I can do M5 on this hand also if I count the thumb as a finger. Now I’ve lost count. Where was I? Anyway, it goes all the way up to the M25! We are the most secure country on Earth. World beating.”

But while the esteemed intellect of the British government was reassured by the investment in spy agencies to keep Brits safe, he did have a revelation that disappointed.

“By contrast to our ability to produce James Bonds, we’re doing terrible at motorways,” he looked sad. “Did you know for the entire country there’s only the Mi5 and Mi6. No one can tell me what the ‘i’ stands for either. No wonder it takes forever to get anywhere in this country. A severe underinvestment in modernising the transport infrastructure that is the fault of the last Labour government. It’s why Tory MPs have to go everywhere by helicopter.”

LIKE MAGIC : Great relief in the Raab holiday home today after Health Secretary Sajid Javid rode to the rescue over the Afghanistan debacle.

The failed Foreign Secretary’s failings over the foreign policy failure in faraway Afghanistan have not failed to fixate the news cycle focus with fascination on the failures of the failed Foreign Secretary featuring as fully as the failed Foreign Secretary’s famous failings on foreign geography.

“Javid is not the good samaritan he’s being portrayed as by the press,” a fictional aide to Sajid Javid told LCD Views. “He’s attempting to get audience participation in his hospital magic show and Raab keeps taking up all the column inches. It’s incredibly frustrating. How do you entice even more US private health interest in the NHS if you can’t keep the stage?”

Thankfully after quick thinking by the Health Secretary he will now get more of the limelight he craves.

“This is a win win solution for both parties,” the aide continues, “Mr Raab now gets to resume his summer holiday without the media frenzy and Mr Javid gets to display the wares he has for sale. Everyone is happy. When Boris Johnson wakes up later this afternoon to dust off his hangover he’s going to be really thrilled too. Which is a bonus.”

The solution itself was rather obvious and draws on the strengths the new Health Secretary has displayed since taking over from Matt Hancock.

“The decision to turn Dominic Raab into a new NHS hospital by magic was genius,” the aide adds. “Just a wave of the magic wand and hey presto! Raab is now a fully staffed, fully functioning hospital. And not a GP surgery that has been given an additional blood pressure monitor before being announced as a new hospital. Which is Mr Javid’s standard sleight of hand trick.”

GET AVOCADOES DONE : Prime Minister Boris Johnson is said to have been in a huddle with his advisers after taking a kicking in the Commons (over Afghanistan) and searching for a way to “regain the initiative from the woke”.

The plan is to focus on food and ban all the “bunny hugging guff” in a naked appeal to what he imagines is his base in what he imagines are the people who live in the Red Wall.

“For too long the avocado, sourdough, hummus eating metropolitan elite have sneered at the hard working classes of this great country,” the PM will tell a rented crowd in a dairy field. “This stops today! We will be introducing the Patriotic Food Bill into the Commons in coming days in a special session.”

While the plan is certain to appeal to the stereotypes imagined by the commentariat there are rumours that he will face stiff resistance from a parliamentary party that is already mightily upset over recent events.

“Look here,” one Tory MP told LCD Views anonymously. “I had to bally well pack up my bag and get back from the Costa del Sol to Westminster just to sit there mask-less breathing in viruses yesterday. I’ve only just got back to my holiday and now I have to turn around and go home again? I will be giving serious thought about lodging a letter of no confidence.”

Clearly the risk of defeat is evident, but that doesn’t mean the PM is without options to get avocadoes, and the causes of avocadoes done.

“Why doesn’t he just use the emergency powers and ban them? Why does he need us? You don’t need MPs to govern anymore. That’s been clear since late 2019. I didn’t sign up for this. Look here, the beach is magnificent today. Look at the sunlight on that water? Marvellous.”

Emergency powers would certainly solve the issue of a restless Commons for Mr Johnson and it would be a double win as shoppers won’t notice any difference from the ban, as food will soon be unavailable anyway. Thanks to Brexit.

FORM AN ODERLY QUEUE : The British government has come under fire in recent days for lacking foresight and preparation in the face of crisis, even being AWOL as it unfolded. That isn’t going to knock them off their stride though as that’s the Johnson government’s natural state.

While most of the attention has been on the absentee Prime Minister and Foreign Secretary, as the crisis in Afghanistan unfolds, the Home Secretary is certain to have her moment in the limelight.

“Ms Patel has seen what’s happening to Raab,” a Home Office source tells LCD Views. “She’s not going to go down that path. She’s got to be prepared to put herself forward for the highest office. That means she’s not going to be a fall guy for Boris. She is being proactive.”

Luckily for desperate Afghanis attempting to escape the Taliban they’re refugees, one of the Home Secretaries hot button topics. The issue now has all her focus.

“We’ve already acted swiftly to alleviate the risk to life and limb,” the source continues, “Priti Patel herself has authorised an emergency airlift of tens of thousands of life in the UK quizzes to Kabul. There they will be distributed in a calm and orderly fashion.”

Anyone concerned their life is in danger simply has to take the test and “fill out the other required forms. Please ensure to use black biro and print in capitals. Then you simply wait for the forms to be processed. We’re keeping our heads while all around us our colleagues are losing theirs.”

There will be additional emergency activity too.

“We’ve spent years demonising refugees for short term political gain, but these are good refugees. Repeat after me. These are currently good refugees. Mostly because they’re far away. Which is exactly how we like the consequences of our arms exports and foreign policy choices.”

THE ETERNAL INNOCENT : Britain’s greatest throbbing temple vein is reported to have been rushed to Accident & Emergency today after seeing a sight so shocking he “collapsed in apoplexy”.

It appears the incident happened after the individual concerned, said to be Foreign and Commonwealth Secretary Dominic Raab, was left unattended with “a smartphone and somehow managed to open YouTube”. The device had last been used by a bored staffer “on the bog” with a fondness for unsettling videos.

“There will be a full inquiry as to how Dom was left not only unattended but in possession of a device capable of accessing such disturbing content for a man of his enduring innocence,” a FCO source told LCD Views. “We have gone to great lengths to keep dangerous information from the Foreign Secretary. He still has no idea the Pope is Catholic and we request everyone keeps it that way. It’s uncertain how he would react, given his present condition.”

The actual video which caused the psychological trauma to Mr Raab has been identified as one from an animal humour channel.

“To some footage of a bear shitting in the woods is just harmless, if puerile fun,” the source chides, “but to Dom it was a revelation so startling it caused a complete seizure of his functioning neuron. This is no laughing matter. Mr Raab is responsible for Brexit Britain’s international statecraft and he must be allowed to focus fully on his efforts to place Dover and Calais near to each other in the Ladybird Book of Western European Geography he has been studying since taking his current post.”

Mr Raab’s family have asked for privacy and pleaded that no one explain to Mr Raab “water is wet” as this is also thought to be information of “weapon’s grade danger” to Britain’s most charming political intellect.

YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE RAAB TO WORK HERE BUT IT HELPS : The greatest foreign policy brain of the United Kingdom’s government is to sort Afghanistan out so he can get back on the beach. We speak of course of Dominic Raab.

It is not an overstatement to say the revelation that the Great British Public actually do care quite a lot about what happens to desperate people far away has taken the dominate Tory Party “completely by surprise”. Little reporting focused on the deal struck between Donald Trump and the Taliban, in what Mr Trump expected to be a foreign policy success story delivered in his second term in office. Even less attention was paid by UKIP MPs to their own government’s support for this deal either, because “everyone was distracted by the sovereignty and power delivered by Brexit” and “polishing their trophies”.

Now Mr Raab will have to go in and “sort it out”. It’s believed he will draw on the wealth of experience of the British in dealing with difficult foreign territories.

“He’s got a map and he’s got a pen,” an FCO source tells LCD Views. “After we’ve explained what the map is and taken the pen out of his nose he’ll have little trouble finding a solution for Afghanistan. He’ll just draw lines across the map wherever he likes and the energetic foreign chaps will adhere to it. It’s basically a repetition of Trump’s deal, but in a British hand. You’ll see that will make all the difference.”

What to do if the Taliban ignore the new arrangement and don’t stay in the zone Raab gifts them?

“Then we’ll bring out the big guns. Brexit Britain may not have much of an Armed Forces left after 11 years of Tory cuts and austerity, but we’ve still got Liz Truss. You just see how rapidly the Taliban fall back on the threat of no imports of cheese.”

BY HIS MISDEEDS WILL HE BE REMEMBERED : U.K. Prime Minister Boris Johnson is said to be in crisis Zoom talks today with the Home Secretary.

It’s rumoured that Ms Patel has been texting the Prime Minister “non-stop” over the weekend as it dawned on her she is going to have to actually facilitate the “bringing of endangered human beings to the U.K.” and will have to wait until the media spotlight fades before “attempting to deport them”.

Mr Johnson has been reportedly keen to avoid talking directly with his Home Secretary on the subject of Afghanistan as he’s busy “making a new Afghanistan policy out of empty wine boxes” and wanted to let the craft glue set hard first. But in the end he has had to relent. It was either that or “buy another burner phone and keep the number from her”.

The crisis talks are not set to find a solution though as that would require “empathy, compassion and forward thinking”, which are not qualities either were raised to power to “utilise”.

The impact on the word’s vulnerable people from electing idiots to power in Britain has already been displayed by the cuts to foreign aid during a global pandemic, and Johnson going along with Trump on “whatever”.

One potential saving grace of the crisis is the potential for the humanitarian disaster in Afghanistan on “our watch” to distract for “two, maybe three days” in the U.K. from the steamrolling Brexit crisis.

“The pandemic can only hide the harm of Brexit for so long. Perhaps an international calamity can lift some of the slack?” a 10 Downing Street body snatcher told LCD Views.

Meanwhile, pressure inside 10 Downing Street continues to grow to designate and redecorate another nursery room as the search for a “willing donor” to pay for it goes on.