GET AVOCADOES DONE : Prime Minister Boris Johnson is said to have been in a huddle with his advisers after taking a kicking in the Commons (over Afghanistan) and searching for a way to “regain the initiative from the woke”.
The plan is to focus on food and ban all the “bunny hugging guff” in a naked appeal to what he imagines is his base in what he imagines are the people who live in the Red Wall.
“For too long the avocado, sourdough, hummus eating metropolitan elite have sneered at the hard working classes of this great country,” the PM will tell a rented crowd in a dairy field. “This stops today! We will be introducing the Patriotic Food Bill into the Commons in coming days in a special session.”
While the plan is certain to appeal to the stereotypes imagined by the commentariat there are rumours that he will face stiff resistance from a parliamentary party that is already mightily upset over recent events.
“Look here,” one Tory MP told LCD Views anonymously. “I had to bally well pack up my bag and get back from the Costa del Sol to Westminster just to sit there mask-less breathing in viruses yesterday. I’ve only just got back to my holiday and now I have to turn around and go home again? I will be giving serious thought about lodging a letter of no confidence.”
Clearly the risk of defeat is evident, but that doesn’t mean the PM is without options to get avocadoes, and the causes of avocadoes done.
“Why doesn’t he just use the emergency powers and ban them? Why does he need us? You don’t need MPs to govern anymore. That’s been clear since late 2019. I didn’t sign up for this. Look here, the beach is magnificent today. Look at the sunlight on that water? Marvellous.”
Emergency powers would certainly solve the issue of a restless Commons for Mr Johnson and it would be a double win as shoppers won’t notice any difference from the ban, as food will soon be unavailable anyway. Thanks to Brexit.