Category: Really fake news

DIESEL DID IT : A corporate spokesman, claiming to speak for global chicken chain KFC (we haven’t verified any claims made – it’s conceivable this is all entirely made up) has today denied the launch of an offshoot food franchise, Kentucky Fried Rat, is related to Brexit.

“It’s to take advantage of available, domestic food sources,” Mr Rattus Rattus told LCD Views.

We encountered the spokesman while taking the trash out. He seemed to be trying to enter our offices by a small gap in the frame of the backdoor to our building.

“Someone at head office heard the oft mentioned claim that you’re never more than six feet away from a Brexit supporting politician in Westminster and it was a light bulb moment.”

But envious, treasonous, remoaning critics of the British food industry, and the ingenuity of global success stories, have hit back at the claims the decision to begin selling fried rat are not related to Brexit.

“We’re going to have to eat whatever we can get our hands on if No Deal Brexit is achieved, for want of a better word,” Mr Critic said, “so it’s entirely not credible that the decision to cook rat, and other rodents easily found in big cities and rural barns, is not related to Brexit. Dress it up in as many secret herbs and spices as you like, but this is because the farming sector will be decimated by Boris Johnson and his government of rogues. And it’s uncertain how long it will take to conclude an FTA with the Trump government, due to certain meddling senators not wishing to be party to the end of peace in Northern Ireland, and thus delaying the arrival of hormone pumped US poultry.”

Typical remainer, blathering on about broader concerns.

We here at LCD Views would like to commend the fictional move on behalf of the fried food superhero and look forward to ordering our first bucket of rat.

“It won’t be served in buckets,” the spokesman chipped back in, “it’ll be served in sacks.”

EU KNOW I KNOW EU KNOW : Current Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, Arlene Foster, is to tell stand up comedy act which has exploded into a bonfire of political crap, Boris Johnson, that she wants the cash in Euros this time.

“It’s the smart move,” our temporary governments correspondent muses, “Boris Johnson is carrying on with the same strong and stable approach to government that Theresa May took, while provincial governor of England under Foster. So every time Boris talks pound sterling will dive. Which is intentional, most likely, as so many backers of Mr Johnson have wealth hoarded in offshore, foreign currency accounts. Euros is the smart move.”

It’s not clear how many Euros Ms Foster will demand in order to appoint Mr Johnson as the dirty cat box of Downing Street, but it may well be considerably more than Ms May had to pay.

“It’s just a good thing we had all those years of unnecessary austerity,” our correspondent says, “or the government wouldn’t be awash with cash for vanity projects, such as Mr Johnson pretending to run something.”

The Euros will be easy to supply however. Mr Johnson will simply have to uproot some of the roots left under the ground down stump of the magic money tree. Then he can take them to a bureau de change at an airport, turn the pounds into Euros and put the lot in a bag.

After the deal is done Mr Johnson is expected to stand on the steps of Stormont and give a major speech promising “strong and stable government, just like we have here in Northern Ireland under the Conservative and Unionist Party”.

The strong and stable will continue to be a catchphrase because he is just replaying May’s time as provincial puppet, but faster. Which is nice, it means he won’t last longer.

RED WHITE AND BLUE SAUCE : Brexit Party (it’s a company, not a party) CEO Nigel Farage has hit back this morning over reports of mass cannibalism on a stranded and abandoned Brexit Party campaign bus on the A470 in the Brecon Beacons.

https://twitter.com/sue_charles/status/1155253400398979072?s=21

“Total exaggeration,” he told two men and a dead dog, when they phoned in his propaganda broadcast on LBC, “how could it have been mass cannibalism? The last person left alive couldn’t have eaten themselves!”

The bus was touring the area ahead of the looming by election, after some convicted Tory criminal was forced to stand down, only to be stood up again by the Tory Party (making Britain great again by abandoning all pretence to standards in public life).

Mr Farage’s bus was in the area with a meat megaphone and a promise to rename the Brecon Beacons the Breakfast Bacons if they are successful in having an MP elected. They won’t be.

But pushed to provide more details about the reports of cannibalism by the dead dog, Mr Farage admitted there was some small scale consumption of human flesh.

”Now, now, I want to make this absolutely clear. The driver may, may have been an Orc and hungry for manflesh,” he admitted, “and after we couldn’t be bothered to rescue the bus and the suckers aboard he may, may just have decided to eat the passengers. But this is not cannibalism. Because the driver was an orc.”

The location of the orc is yet to be determined, but it’s assumed to be wiping its mouth on a Union Jack as we go to print, which is the other end of the body to that which Mr Farage’s useful idiots usually use.

Outgoing Prime Minister Theresa May has one last trick up her sleeve. Before she exits stage left, pursued by a Boris, she is planning to booby trap her successor. Her final act as PM will be to revoke Article 50 in secret.

“Booby trap means booby trap,” warned Number Ten spokesman Torr Tology. “It means everything, and nothing. May will have her revenge on the saboteurs, the bastards, the traitors. It will be sweet to stick two very British fingers up at Boris Johnson, who is a bigger danger to the Conservative Party than any policy he could possibly dream up.”

Boris Johnson was not impressed. “What a load of contemporaneous gibberish!” he waffled, waving a limp fish excitedly. “I call it Theresa, the fish I mean. I’ve stitched her up like a kipper!”

“I’ve got a fish too!” called Jeremy Hunt from the sidelines. “Look at me! Look at me! My fish has a name as well!  I call it… err… um… Fishy McFishface!”

It’s not about the fish, of course. That’s another distraction, another of Boris’ schoolboy pranks on the world stage.

“Don’t make the mistake of thinking Theresa doesn’t have the balls to do it,” said Tology, ominously. “She has more balls than a snooker club!”

It would be the ultimate snook to cock. What better way to leave your mark on history?

“It would be an admission of failure,” agreed Tology. “And Tories never do that unless there is some political advantage to be gained. It’s also a massive vote of no confidence in her likely successor. It makes her leave office as an unlikely hero!”

To borrow her own terminology, making herself a loser will actually make her one of the biggest winners. That’s how Brexit works.

Theresa May, the woman who saved the country from itself? Now there is a legacy to be proud of.

It’s no secret that Nigel Farage will do anything to get what he wants, but the full extent of that “anything” is only now becoming clear after a document was leaked to LCD Views detailing how Farage has been considering a move that sounds like it comes right out of a thriller.

The document in question refers to a plot by Farage to fake his own assassination in an attempt to gain martyr status for his own ends.

The leaked papers include finding a supporter of roughly the same height and build as Farage, giving him plastic surgery to make him into his doppelganger, and, through a series of intermediaries, hiring a hitman armed with a giant milkshake to take out said double at a high profile event, thus leading the world to think that Farage had been assassinated, thereby bringing sympathy to his cause.

The document makes the shocking statement “it worked for Abraham Lincoln so why not me?” – proving even further that there are no limits to his crass dismissive attitude towards people who disagree with him.

The document makes no final decisions on the identities of the people involved, but suggested a few names for each task. Plastic surgeon Luke Laikham was shocked to be under consideration:

“I can’t believe he’d have the nerve!” he said. “Turning a person into the absolute duplicate of someone famous is against my professional ethics.”

This was a refreshing statement, as we didn’t know their profession had any. It was also typical of the reactions of all other surgeons on the list. All plastic surgeons are now being asked to report any suspicious requests to authorities before proceeding with them. This may not stop Farage’s team from finding a disreputable one, of which there are definitely a few out there.

The job of the assassin had fewer candidates, and it seems here they were looking for someone who already hated Farage, as this meant he would be more likely to do the job for less. Top candidate Paul “the Trigger” Gunn-Mann (not his real name, that has been withheld for legal reasons) had this to say when approached:

“You mean I’d be offered a sum to drown that kipper in milk only for it to turn out that I’d killed some innocent dupe? That’s it. First chance I get I’m shooting him in the balls – well, the ball, given like his 1930’s hero he only has one. And I’m gonna make bloody sure it’s him before I do.”

Farage himself would be sitting quietly in the wings of this, hiding from the public eye before returning after a discreet interval (and some plastic surgery of his own so as not to be recognised) as his own heir apparent.

While the revelation was shocking, we at LCD Views don’t believe the plan would have been successful. Farage just doesn’t have the willpower to keep out of the public eye long enough to pull it off.

FLYING HIGH : Michael Gove has a bad habit of being at the centre of class A related drug scandals recently. Ever since he was flushed out of hiding over his wild years by fellow doomed Tory leadership contender, Dominic Raab, he just can’t get enough of powdery stories.

https://news.sky.com/story/39kg-of-cocaine-found-on-plane-carrying-brazil-presidents-team-to-g20-11750135

“There’s no connection between rumours Gove was seen at the Seville airport when the back up plane for President Bolsonaro of Brazil was searched and impounded,” a fictional aide to the environment secretary told LCD Views, in a fictional interview, “Michael ‘Corleone’ Gove was in Spain on a fact finding mission related to the decision to increase VAT on solar panels to 20%. This only augments his reputation as a jolly green giant.”

A likely story. As likely as this one.

The made up denial won’t allay suspicions though that someone in Bolsonaro’s team was bringing Gove just a taste of what a free trade deal, post Brexit, with certain businessmen in South America could bring.

“39kg is clearly just someone’s personal supply,” the aide went on, “although they sound like a bit of a lightweight to me. A generous spirited individual would need a lot more due to all the sharing he would do with friends. But this is all just speculation. It’s nothing to do with Gove. He gave up Class A’s in his early 30’s to concentrate on a much more powerful drug. Power.”

We certainly wouldn’t want to fuel any rumours. But we suspect just like the abandoned use of cocaine, Gove’s addiction to power may soon be coming to an end. But what will he do then?

“Probably apply to work as an air steward on Bolsonaro’s planes. But that’s just more speculation.”

TERMINALLY HIGH : Boris Johnson’s media blitz over the last few days has achieved his aim of having everyone just talking about Boris Johnson. It’s unavoidable, he is the news cycle at the moment. Much as we might wish it otherwise. He could end up as PM in a few weeks too.

But it’s not easy to gauge how successful the bumbling boofhead’s blitz is, with one ridiculous interview following another.

It certainly worked very well for the dangerous clown across the pond, Donald Trump, but then the right wingers who were determined to put a right winger in the Oval Office only had Donald Trump. In the UK Conservative voters have an alternative and they currently hold the office.

“It’s all very well being the dead cat on the table when you’re not the prime minister,” our PR guru muses, “but does the strategy work just as well when you are striving for the top job? When there’s another option. Time will soon tell.”

Still, the incoherence of his interviews has led to questions being asked again about his history of substance abuse. For once, when pressed for an answer, Mr Johnson actually gave one.

“I moved from sniffing cocaine to sniffing glue, while making my buses,” Mr Johnson explained, during a surprisingly frank, imaginary interview with ourselves, “superglue really does get you high and no one questions a grown man buying tube after tube. At least not once you reveal you make toy buses in your spare time.”

It all makes sense now, even if Boris Johnson hardly ever does.

MUTUAL RESPECT : Nigel Farage is bloody chuffed today and he wants the whole world to know about it.

The cause of his excitement is the receiving of a personal letter from one of his heroes.

“The letter even begins with one of my catchphrases,” A jubilant Mr Farage told the dead via LBC, “it starts with ‘Dear Nigel, now, now, let me speak’ . It’s a very touching tribute and a mark of respect. And let me tell the British people here and now that the respect is mutual.”

But who is this lovely letter from?

“None other than a little boy called Satan, aged 10,” Mr Farage informs, “he wanted to write to me to tell me he’s a fellow traveler on the road to Brexit. He admires my efforts to make a foreign country great again. Da little Satan! Da!”

But although bringing a lot of joy to Mr Farage, who needs a lift after having to push for the prosecution of a man with a milkshake, because a fascist can’t appear weak before dairy products, there have been some questions raised about the veracity of the letter.

“Satan isn’t 10 years old,” a handwriting expert who has studied the letter told us, “and he certainly wouldn’t write in such neat handwriting if he was. It’s bollocks. Bloody confusing bollocks too. Although I guess maybe Farage was daydreaming about setting up his own Hitler Youth style movement and got carried away? That would explain it.”

Still, whatever the rights and wrongs of faking a letter from a make believe fan, we would like to believe Mr Farage isn’t lying, for the first time in his life, and that hell is exactly where he’s headed. He best take the letter with him when the time comes, to ensure he’s gets special treatment.

DOWN AND OUT : A man who has recently become famous for walking, perhaps unnecessarily, has lost his Fitbit sponsorship after falling to win a long, drawn out, probably rigged race.

Rory Stewart, both five and five hundred years of age, acquired the sponsorship a few weeks ago after becoming notorious on social media for turning up unexpectedly on foot and attempting to appear sane to strangers.

”He’s a bit of Eddy the Eagle about him,” a source at the famous fitness tracker manufacturer told LCD Views, “plucky loser. Doomed from the start. Attempting to capture the hearts of the country regardless by a unique ability to lose a competitive event with a smile. And hell, no one can say he didn’t walk a lot of steps until the others worked out a strategy to kick him out of the race.”

What the strategy was isn’t entirely clear, but some observers have suggested one of the bigger, fatter, madder, dodgier entrants conspired to have some of the smaller, leaner, just as insane men in the race knock out little old baby Rory.

”We’re happy to have an excuse to end sponsorship if I’m honest,” the source at Fitbit added, “while initially having a man prepared to crisscross the country daily pretending to look into a smart phone seemed clever, we became concerned he was just making up the number of steps he did. If you move your arm rapidly up and down in a piston like motion it can add steps that were gained laying down,

”Although to be fair your pulse is probably running fast while you do it. And you’re probably grimacing like Rory attempting to look sane too.”

MIA : Tory leadership contender and all round pond life heavyweight, Michael Gove, is facing pressure to explain where he’s been all week.

”He definitely hasn’t been in hiding waiting for the class A scandal to blow over. He’s must have been spending time working on himself,” a source claiming to speak from beyond the grave, I mean, inside Michael Gove’s campaign, told LCD Views.

“He went on a seriously damaging bender after Dominic Raab (so the rumour mill says anyway) spooked him into confessing to having used cocaine. I mean to be stitched up by Boris would be one thing, but to be outmanoeuvred by head timber Raab? That’s some damage to the self esteem. There’s a lot of crying into the mirror at 4am, while completely off your tits, to recover from that.”

How much damage isn’t clear, although a reported shortage of white powder in London during the week would suggest a lot.

”He’s not yet ready to take the twelve steps. But he is determined to be a better Gove. Quite what that is is anyone’s guess.”

It’s likely we will find out soon though with the Tory leadership debates scheduled to start Sunday evening.

”Television cameras are being set up inside a South London crack den for the event in the hope of making all the competitors feel right at home. Like they’re on a dirty night out that ought to end with a bit of rough and track marks.”

Somewhere like the Priory would surely have been more suitable?

Although it may give one or two of the individuals pegged down for the debate too much of a home field advantage.