Category: Really fake news

HAND ON STAFF : THE INGERLISH HEALTH SECRETARY, MATT HANCOCK, has come in for some flak this morning after claiming that due to the successful landing of the NASA Perseverance Rover overnight on the red planet that the “entire British population of Mars” has now been fully vaccinated.

The health secretary made the otherworldly claim during a tearful turn on morning television.

“I’m just so proud. I want to thank the entire team at Downing Street for making this possible,” Mr Hancock said, tissue dabbing at tears. “British people on Mars can now go about their business as before. And it’s only year three of the pandemic.”

But critics have demanded clarification on the claim.

“One dose or two?” one prominent media figure correctly and justifiably demanded, before returning to his obsessive and baffling crusade against a former royal who lives on the other side of the world.

Others were demanding to know what the actual British population of Mars is? In order to correctly assess Hancock’s claim.

“I would suggest that those who are seeking to undermine the government’s achievements on Mars take a good, long, hard look at myself in the mirror,” Mr Hancock spat back, presumably because that query was made by a lady.

The prime minister Boris Johnson is also expected to capitalise on NASA’s achievements by having photos taken by the rover doctored to show him visiting a vaccination centre on Mars and interrupting an entire day’s vital public health work.

“Boris Johnson should see a nice boost in the polls from NASA’s efforts,” another commentator noted. “Because apparently you can have successive waves in a pandemic, while many countries haven’t, and still get a poll boost from the people left alive. Exceptional effort.”

THE DEEPEST PATRIOTISM : 10 DOWNING STREET is under pressure today to reveal the name of the minister rushed to a central London accident and emergency department early this morning following an incident with a flag.

It’s believed the individual concerned suffered internal injuries, which are not thought to be life threatening, while preparing for a round of media interviews. The injury involved a Union Jack flag and pole.

“We request the media refrain from speculation over the identity of the minister involved and respect their privacy at this time.”

Some details however have been leaked and it is believed the minister “tripped and fell onto their flag pole while holding a block of butter in the shower during vacuuming of the flag so it wasn’t dusty for interviews that will be televised. The MP concerned was engaged in the standard patriotic preparation for media that all MPs are expected to undertake so no one can mistake how deep their patriotism is.”

Injuries involving flag poles in the home are becoming so frequent that 10 Downing Street is expected to set up a special task force to advise on how best to avoid them in the future.

But internal critics of the idea have hit back at the PM’s plans.

A member of the Rectal Research Group, or RRG, said “we didn’t leave the European Union just to bring in more red tape dictating where Tory MPs can insert flag poles. If a patriotic minister wants to physically express their love of Queen and country than that is their god given, time immemorial right as an Englishman to shove their flag wherever they like. Just so long as the butter is British.”

MAGNUS PUNGIT : THE WESTMINSTER BUBBLE IS IN A SATISFIED FRENZY THIS MORNING after Boris Johnson’s nickname was finally leaked to the press.

“Shortly before 6am this morning an aide walked out of the famous front door at 10 Downing Street carrying a wad of A4 papers under their arm with the top sheet plainly visible for the waiting cameras,” our Westminster correspondent reports. “As the cameras flashed the revealing leak was captured for all to see.”

And it wasn’t hard to determine what the message was.

“Boris Johnson’s nickname with the staff is Little Boot. That’s exactly what it said.”

The nickname itself reveals much about the prime minister’s style of governance and future direction of travel.

“It is especially fitting because yesterday he made one of his favourite horses a senator,” our correspondent continues. “Unelected bureaucrat LORD David Frost becoming a full cabinet minister is one of the cherries on the Brexit cake. This is what is meant by take back control.”

It’s believed Mr Johnson will continue in this throbbing vein and is shortly to make mentioning a goat in his presence a crime punishable by a beating with an iron stick. He will also be ordering men with thicker hair to shave it off.

“He will also, like his famous namesake, order a bridge built purely to satisfy his ego, regardless of the cost to the poeple, and continue to dress up in outlandish costumes, just because he can. Actually governance appears to be nowhere on the list. But drinking dissolved pearls at his lavish banquets is already happening.”

10 Insane And Perverse Things Attributed To Caligula | Learnodo Newtonic (learnodo-newtonic.com)

FISHY DISHI : It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of more money. Happily for some they can marry a billionaire’s daughter and continue to have great expectations.

A prime example of the well tailored to riches struggle is the UK’s architect of the world beating Eat Out to Help Out scheme, thought to have really ramped up the pandemic last year. And just imagine? Doing that and suffering no consequences? And showing no visible remorse? This is leadership.

But ensuring success for viruses isn’t the only struggle our fearless, and well groomed Chancellor has had to overcome.

The promotion of brand Rishi speaks to a depth of character that comes from unique struggle.

“Imagine being born into good circumstances, going to the best schools and universities, entering the begging bowl universe of casino banking, marrying very well and then finding yourself completely gobsmacked to be in politics? Such a novel journey is rarely seen, except for people born into exactly those circumstances,” an unauthorised biographer of the Chancellor comments.

And Rishi Sunak wants you to feel the struggle. Wants you to know that merely by virtue of being able to style his hair, he’s the man to run the country, when the day dawns that Boris Johnson starts putting his fading barnet into a combover.

“To help everyone connect with his riches to riches journey he’s organising a clap. We’ve done nurses and emergency responders. Now we need to celebrate the sacrifices of the man who’s always had everything.”

The clap will be this coming Thursday at 8pm to start off, but once Sunak’s swimsuit calendar hits your doorstep you’ll be able to hang him by the fridge and applaud his particular load of bollocks daily.

THE MUMMY : Boris Johnson, the first of his name, has ordered work to begin on his final resting place, decades in advance of when he expects to need it.

The design is said to call on the architectural styles of ancient Egypt and will be built entirely of imported sandstones and marbles at an estimated cost of £350m per week for decades.

”He conceived of the design whilst completely hammered Friday night.” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Apparently he believes his new nickname in Downing Street is ‘Pharaoh’ and that triggered his imagination, and thoughts of his legacy. Although those present at the time say he misheard someone saying fuck you.”

A massive workforce is expected to be needed to build the pyramid shaped tomb which will be aligned not with the stars, but with Pharaoh Johnson’s barge arse. Unemployed fishermen and ballerinas are said to be looking forward to retraining to work on the project.

But critics have pointed out that such an egregious expense will bleed the public coffers dry for decades, leaving little left for the levelling up agenda Johnson is so proud of. Downing Street have responded to those concerns with a shrug and a handing out of uncontested tenders.

And it is clear what a boon for London the monumental work will be, at a time when the city is suffering the completely unavoidable consequences of Brexit, which no one warned about, and a lethally mismanaged, shitshow approach to the pandemic.

“There’s always naysayers and moaners,” the source shrugs. “But Johnson is not insisting his harem joins in his final resting place. So it’s hard to see what the problem is? This is because he wants to be free to screw whoever he likes in the afterlife. After he’s finished shafting the entire U.K. senseless.”

DYCH CHI EISIAU CLYCH CARREG NEU FARBLIS : Downing Street is on the front foot today with its open hands extended with the promise of a major gift to Wales.

“We’ve enough bally trouble on our hands dealing with the jocks and the Irish,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Last thing we need is the Welsh getting ideas and raising the Red Dragon. They’ve been happily ruled by England since the medieval period. Why risk upsetting all that?”

And to try and get in front of any moaning from the western provinces the ‘Union Unit’ in Downing Street, tasked with keeping the U.K. intact, has had a brain explosion.

“We don’t want to go handing back Stoned Henge, no matter what the professors discover. It’s our stone circle and we need to keep it for periodical dead cat stories about dynamiting it to widen the motorway that runs beside it. So we need to give the Welsh something of equal value to show how much we care.”

The something of equal value is the Elgin Marbles.

“Giving them the Marbles is a win win. We get to shut up the nationalists in Wales. Wales now has to argue with the Greeks over them and we get to keep the Stony Rock Hierographs. Everyone is happy. And best of all, mates of Tory ministers will land some amazing contracts to safely store and move the Marbles to Wales. After locating, planning and building the visitors centre. There’s gold in them there hills! Get in!”

ROLLING AWAY THE STONES: Nationalist fervour is starting to seep into Wales. The rocks that comprise Stonehenge came from Wales, and now Wales wants to take back control of its boulders. 

“We proud Welshmen believe that Welsh monuments belong in Wales,” remarked henge hunter Craig Las. “The bluestones will return, and then we will rebuild Offa’s Dyke to keep the English out!” 

Stonehenge has been part of the English landscape so long, that Las might find himself on rocky ground. 

“Las is between a rock and a hard place,” replied English archaeologist Po Stoles. “He sounds like a heretic. Once upon a time they were stoned!” 

We are caught between an immovable object and an irresistible force. 

“Stoles can rock on,” grumbled Las. “People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones!” 

It is a matter of fact that some of the stones used to form Stonehenge were mined in the Preseli Hills in Wales. What is not known is how they rocked up in Wiltshire. 

“They have been here forever!” claimed Stoles, clutching at straws. “And they are going to stay. Rock ‘n’ Roll? Well, these Stones ain’t Rolling nowhere!”

The atmosphere turned stone cold.

“The English stole them, obviously,” said Las, stony faced. “We Welsh patriots have always slated them as thieves. The English stole our land, our leeks, and our legends. I’m chalking this one up to them as well!” 

Whether true or not, patriotic Stonehenge fans are examining the rocks for marks of origin. Any of the monoliths bearing either a George Cross or a Welsh Dragon will be identified, and used to establish the true ownership of the monument. Such rocks are known as flag stones.

Stonehenge is astronometrically aligned, like a giant timepiece or an elaborate sundial. The ancients who constructed Stonehenge clearly wanted to rock around the clock. 

The clues lie in the ground in Pembrokeshire: the ancient footings of a stone circle. It’s like the Rosetta Stone for boulder chasers. 

A row over rocks? Stone the crows!

HOW DEEP IS YOUR LOVE : Speculation is rife this morning over the identity of the Tory MP who has had the Union Jack flag tattooed onto their face.

The move to get patriotically ink’d is believed to have followed a night of heavy drinking with the Prime Minister and may or may not have been the idea of Princess Nut Nuts, but sources are keeping tight lipped about whose idea it actually was.

“That’s because tattoo parlours are supposed to be closed at the moment,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views. “You’ll have to wait until they’re interviewed on TV and see if you can guess. Although the tattoo is very realistic, so there is a risk they’ll just blend into the background with the giant flag hanging limply on its stunted pole in front of their bookshelf.”

There is also speculation, fuelled by insiders, that the reason for the secrecy over the identity of the male MP, who used to be a minister, and is now in his 50’s, is because of a mistake made during the actual tattooing.

“The tattoo is definitely not upside down and actually inked in the way you display a Union Jack in distress. That’s definitely not what happened. No chance the tattoo only looks happy when the short statured, chubby little floater of U.K. politics is doing a handstand.”

The Westminster bubble will continue to buzz with rumour and speculation, and Covid, but there is some happy news for whoever the mystery member of the ERG is.

“It’s an exceptionally forward looking move,” the Downing Street source said. “Boris Johnson plans to de-select all his current MPs at the next GE and just stand Union Jack flags with blue rosettes on them stead. This is the only MP with an outside chance of being selected to stand, so long as they can keep really still and thoughtless when the selection process occurs.”

IT’S NOT LIKE IT MATTERS : DOWNING STREET is investigating many things these days. What craft glue is best to use when making model buses? Are all blondes attracted to the prime minister, or just a few? Can you beat a pandemic by refusing to eliminate the virus that is causing the pandemic?

“We’ve got our best people working on the case,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “And happily the majority of the media is going along with it. And so are MPs. Who wants to eliminate CV-19 when there is so much to find out? That’s why we won’t pursue elimination as the policy even though over 120,000 people are now dead. And we still get to be the government! It’s a mad, mad world. Today we’re finding out what happened to our hotel quarantine booking website!”

And what happened to the hotel quarantine booking website is the big question of the afternoon. After it crashed. Hours after they launched it.

While some minor critics will use the crash as another example of not being able to run a piss up in a brewery, that will be entirely unfair given that Boris Johnson is the piss up artist in chief.

“The prime minister built the quarantine website personally out of old wine crates,” the source adds. “So it’s a high quality job and definitely not something just outsourced to one of Dom’s madcap mates for a fortune to harvest everyone’s data to sell on to dodgy, overseas corporate interests. We’re buggered if we know why it doesn’t work. Just another day in the office really.”

But one thing that is certain is that the list of hotels available is part of the problem.

“It’s not fair to say that Fawlty Towers shouldn’t be on the list of hotels to choose from. John Cleese was a famous supporter of Brexit and it’s right we direct business to his hotel in thanks.”

But while the hoi poli may have to stay in Torquay the members of the cabinet, their family and chums at least don’t have so far to travel.

“When the website is up and running The Ritz will still be there as the default booking for all ministers of the government. The rooms need to be big enough to accommodate their Union Jack flag poles after all. It’s a matter of national interest.”

TAKES ONE TO KNOW ONE : THE UK BREATHED A SIGH OF RELIEF when it was announced the Prime Minister’s dad had been fully vaccinated against CV-19, mostly because of how many random members of the public he makes contact with.

Whether it was overseas holidays, or day to day public transport use, it seemed not a day went by without the sire of the UK’s biggest and best known dumb blonde joke hitting the news stands.

“So when the time came this morning to choose a well known face to front the campaign to raise public awareness over the heavy new penalties for breaking travel restrictions, Johnson senior was the only choice.”

And in order for the campaign to have maximum effectiveness it will have to invade the public attention as readily as a virus protein spike in your windpipe.

“The campaign will actually be exceptionally clever. You won’t even notice any change in Stanley’s day to day behaviour. He’s going to be asked to carry on as usual. He’ll break restrictions here, there and everywhere and be filmed doing it. It will be exceptionally cheap to produce, which is nice. The savings can be given to a Tory donor in the form of a PPE contract. Really efficient use of limited public resources. We can all be proud.”

But to ensure maximum impact each time the PM’s dad is proven to have broken the new rules, he will escape all punishment. This will have the public rapt.

“It’s one of the tangible benefits of CV-19. There’s now a long list of government figures, and people associated with them, documented to have broken CV-19 restrictions and SFA has happened to them. It helps condition the plebs for life in Brexit. Well, those that survive the pandemic long enough to enjoy it.”

Keep a look out for Stanley in your neighbourhood and know if you spot doing something dodgy, you’ve been taught a lesson.