Category: Really fake news

MONEY AND TIME WELL SPENT : DOWNING STREET has responded to queries regarding the impressive timeframe in tracking down the Brazilian variant, and responded fast.

“Of course it took a lot of time. We just let it walk off the plane and through the airport and onto public transport,” a 10 Downing Street spokesmen revealed. “Do you know how many people there are in the UK? That’s a lot of people to check. A lot of doors to knock on and ask if the person with the dangerous new mutation lives there. Or they could be in a hotel. Or they could be mountaineering. Or they could be disguised as a newt. It’s not as simple as just controlling our borders.”

How many people the individual in question has passed the new mutation of concern to during in the intervening 10 days isn’t clear, as for 10 days no one knew where they were.

“We will find out in the next week or two after all the schools reopen at once. Happily we’re not testing staff and students before they return to in class teaching. That gives us an element of surprise and anticipation which should add nicely to what will be a fevered period in this nation’s history.”

But when pushed further, given that so far £37bn has been spent on Track and Trace, Downing Street did provide some welcome clarification.

“Look, have a heart. Dido Harding has spent the last two weeks re-tasking Track and Trace to find just the right nosebleed design of new wallpaper to keep Carrie happy at Downing Street. There’s more going on than just the plague. Sometimes I wonder if you people really have your eye on what’s most important in this time.”

DEADHEART : The UK’s last prime minister, Boris Johnson, is to attend an unveiling ceremony later this month in Scotland.

The reason for the special trip north is not solely to dress in hi-vis gear (although it’s guaranteed there will be some at some stage), nor to pose as a scientist, or to interrupt an entire day’s vaccination efforts at a vaccination centre. This time it’s a statue.

“He’s going to dress as Edward I for the ceremony,“ a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “That’ll please the Unionists and get the SNP on side. After the ceremony he’ll do a costume change and put on a special Union Jack kilt he’s had made just for the day. That’s where the hi-vis comes in and the kilt is fluorescent.”

But what statue could possibly cause the PM to take time out of his busy schedule of not governing the country? Burbs? Bruce? Some other chap with a surname starting with B?

“He’s paid millions to have a statue of the famous Scottish independence leader Mel Gibson cast in tin foil. Mel really stuck it to the rightful English rulers of Scotland back in the days when they were mostly still French. Mr Johnson thinks this will promote unity by exploring the deep and enduring legacy between our two countries. Also by reminding the Scots how much shared history we have giving it to the French. The statue is going to be erected in Stirling, no one really knows why.”

A special screening of a documentary about Mel Gibson’s life called ‘Braveheart’ will take place after the statue is erected, although the prime minister is expected to have drunk himself into a stupor by then.

SO COZY : It’s good to have friends in times of need and Nicolas Sarkozy needs friends today after a French court did a completely bizarre thing for a representative democracy and sentenced him to prison for corruption.

“We were shocked,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “What higher service to your country is there than to do whatever it takes to get things done?”

But it seems the current UK government is not about to let a fellow traveller on the low road fall without a cushion.

“Boris is going to recommend Sarkozy for a knighthood. The Queen signs off on any old rubbish these days, bless her, so there shouldn’t be a problem. While he’s over here for the ceremony he can simply vanish.”

While the sentence has been grabbing headspace the former French president is free to remain at large while he appeals. This could take years.

“He may even get a peerage. If he can get himself a bankrupt factory and churn out a few rubber gloves. He’ll certainly get wealthier anyway. He’s only worth about two million. That’s rubbish. We’re not having it.”

Downing Street is ready too for any critics who say the honour is inappropriate.

“How cheap is our honours system these days? Have you seen who Johnson has put into the Lords! Holy cow! Talk about bargain basement. I wouldn’t sweat it. Besides, it’ll be a good way to wind up Macron. We’ll tell him to force Brussels to give in on fish or Sarkozy will end up a Lord. It can’t fail. Then we will say we’ve formed a protective ring around Nicolas and it’s time to move on.”

BORIS TRUMP : The United Kingdom’s morale will receive a welcome boost this week after a statue of Boris Johnson is installed permanently outside 10 Downing Street.

The statue will be shorter and even rounder than the gigantic statesman it honours, so as not to obscure the famous “10” on the old black door.

A private design contest was held recently, although not open to public tender, this should not affect the finished product in any way.

10 Downing Street are said to feel confident in the quality of the work as the winner is “a guy who once helped Matt Hancock with a flat bicycle tyre in the late 1980’s, and then went on to run a struggling plastic souvenir factory producing little Big Bens. The paint flakes off them if you hold them for more than ten seconds. Accusations that they are toxic are robustly disputed.”

The company which owns the plastic souvenir factory, listed at Companies House as “Plastic Patriots”, has been saved from recent financial difficulties by the money paid for the Boris statue, which is said to be “millions”.

”The core of the Boris Johnson statue will be the same low-grade but durable, non-biodegradable plastic we use in all of our souvenirs,” a spokesman for Plastic Patriots told LCD Views. “The exterior is coated in 100% iron pyrite, but the feet are made of clay.”

Spectators visiting 10 Downing Street are warned to wear sunglasses as the iron pyrite coating on the hair is “especially reflective, which symbolises the impenetrability of the mind of the man himself.”

A contract to produce miniature souvenirs of the Boris statue is expected to be awarded to the designer at a cost said to be “justifiable given the urgency with which the little false idols are required.”

Rumours that the statue will clap its hands to distract from the “realistic horseshit” it produces “like clockwork whenever the pandemic death toll tops another avoidable peak” are expected to be confirmed.

A spitfire flyover is planned for the unveiling ceremony and will conclude with a “spectacular rendition of God Save The Queen sung by the children of a newly re-opened debtors prison in the East End. We couldn’t have done this if we were still in the EU and we should all fill with a sense of false pride.”

DO NOT INJEST : THE ROYAL MAIL has weighed in today to assist Britain’s embattled personification of the Tower of Babel with a special collection of new stamps dedicated to the prime minister.

“The new stamps are in a special class of stamp created just to honour Boris Johnson,” a Royal Mail marketing whizz told LCD Views. “These are the first 10th class stamps we have ever issued. They’re pretty much useless.”

The stamps, which are smaller than the famous Penny Black, are the first blank postage stamps ever produced.

“There are rumours that the stamps aren’t blank but have the PM’s honest statements written on them in lemon or some other invisible ink. That is not the case. We have faithfully printed all of Boris Johnson’s honest statements on the stamps, as you can see for yourself.”

The reason for the creation of the special 10th class was also due to the unique nature of the man being honoured.

“His promises aren’t first class, his delivery isn’t even second class. We took inspiration from the monthly grand building project that Downing Street announces to distract from the many scandals accumulating about his cabinet. And the management of the pandemic is really not even 10th class. Unless you’re the actual virus, than I guess it’s first class.”

The stamps too will cost a pretty penny due to the rising costs of the paper they’re printed on.

“The paper for our stamps comes from France. Clearly there’s been some small inflationary pressures since Brexit got done.”

Fittingly also the stamps are not for international use and can only be used to send domestic letters and packages within England.

“You should think yourself lucky that they allow your letter to travel that far! The situation is under review. It maybe soon that you can only use them to send letters to yourself.”

The Boris Johnson stamp collection – in a class of its own, just like the man himself.

GET OFF THE SOFA TREVOR : The over excited cocker spaniel of European politics, English Prime Minister Boris Johnson, is facing yet another rolled up newspaper this morning after a disturbing accusation last night that he’s a very bad boy indeed.

The accusation centres on the location of a missing hairpiece belonging to a golden retriever called Trevor. We spoke to Trevor to test the validity of his claims, meeting with him this morning at his 1930’s semi-detached family home in a suburb he preferred was not named.

“I admit I shouldn’t have been where I was at the time,” Trevor began. “I was just over seven miles from home. But I was only out for my exercise, as is allowed under the current restrictions? I mean, I just did what any father would do?”

And it’s at that point we noticed the forlorn collection of puppies by the fireplace in Trevor’s living room. Huddled together for warmth and seemingly happy.

“They spend far too much time these days online playing Bollox, or whatever it is the pups are into now. But I don’t have the heart to limit their screen time in this tantric pandemic. Just so long as they’ve practiced going to the toilet on some newspaper first, and fetched at least one ball, a stick and my slippers. It’s not a free for all.”

But it seems for someone it is a free for all…

“I was at a park I would rather not name when he approached me. Shambling wreck of a man who was running or drunk. It was hard to tell. Or he may have been both, judging by his smell.”

But what makes Trevor certain it was the prime minister?

“He spoke to me in 80’s environmental cliches, something about treehuggers, and Ancient Greek. There’s only one person who thinks that is appropriate. I think I was supposed to be disarmed. He said he just wanted to pat my head. But as he lent down to do it the wind caught his hair and pulled it in all directions. It was obvious then that he was growing it long to cover over a spreading bald patch. It’s why he stole my toupee. His motivation being his mounting insecurity over his own virility.”

Downing Street has not responded to questions over the incident, either to deny or confirm.

“They’ll probably say he was miles away pretending to be a scientist or a doctor? Doing his usual thing of interrupting the work of vital public services instead of his actual job of running the country. But I know it was him. I think he needs to be stopped now before he strikes again. If it were down to me he’d already be listed under the dangerous dogs act.”

MATT THE APP : GREEN SHOOTS OF RECOVERY ARE ABUNDANT ACROSS ENGLAND’S PLAGUE RAVISHED LANDS TODAY WITH PLANS TO CELEBRATE THE ACHIEVEMENTS OF THE SECRETARY OF STATE FOR HEALTH MATT HANCOCK.

A monument to his achievements during the pandemic is to be installed on College Green so that future generations will know the titanic struggle undertaken by Britain’s greatest ever Health Secretary.

The taxpayer can rest easy too, as the brass statue is being paid for by subscriptions from friends and acquaintances of Mr Hancock who have received PPE contracts.

“The design of the monument is causing quite a stir,” Mr Cashfunnel, head of the committee responsible for the design, told LCD Views. “It is being made entirely of brass, as is traditional for monuments to great men, but it is rather modernist in design. Maybe even post-modernist. But I’ll leave it to the art critics to decide that. My speciality is limited to taking a paper cup factory out of administration and into the production of unusable medical tests. Oh and purchasing luxury houses.”

LCD Views have seen a sneak preview of the monument and we are going to break cover and reveal it is just a very big brass neck with a pair of rubber gloves for a head.

“We will be having the unveiling ceremony during the summer, before the next lockdown,” Mr Cashfunnel advises. “A spitfire fly past will be timed to be overhead just as the apron made out of a bin bag is drawn dramatically off the statue to reveal Matt’s innermost personality.”

But unusually for a bust there will be no eyes.

“That’s because they’re the windows to the soul, and ever since Mr Hancock invoked the war dead in his quest to become Tory leader, and then threw them under the bus to be Health Secretary, it’s clear the windows gaze into an abyss.”

MADE ROUND TO GO AROUND : PLANETS ARE ROUND. MONEY IS ROUND. MATT HANCOCK IS WELL ROUNDED. DIDO HARDING HAS SPENT HER CAREER GOING AROUND AND AROUND, FIRST THE RACE TRACK AND THEN THE CORPORATE BOARDROOMS. THE TWO WENT AROUND THE TEST AND TRACE SWEEPSTAKES TOGETHER AND NOW THEY’RE GOING AROUND AGAIN.

“Is the Loch Ness Monster actually on Mars? Is that why we can’t find it?” an aide to super duo Matt and Dido asked LCD Views. We don’t know why, it’s not like we’d know.

But discovering the answer maybe one of the fringe benefits of the latest evolution of the UK’s world beating Test and Trace wealth creation scheme for friends of Tory MPs.

“Matt has asked Dido to set up the gold standard Test and Trace network on Mars. It will be a global first. Britain, thanks to Brexit, will be showing the world how to track any pandemic you like on the Red Planet. It is expected to be up and running before anyone ever gets there!”

Who will do the actual testing and tracing isn’t entirely clear, as it will be carried out by a bewildering web of multi-nationals with no experience in the area, but great contacts in government.

“There will actually be performance standards written into the contract this time too. We’re responding to criticisms. We expect the new outsourced network to find as many, or maybe more, cases as they did in the UK over the course of the pandemic. So none. Ramped up nothing. Money well spent.”

But how much will this all cost?

“The landing craft will be the cheap part. We aim to come in at the same cost as NASA for Perseverance. So £2.5bn. A fraction of what Dido spent to set up the UK’s track and trace. Then it’s just another £22bn on top of the testing service and whacko! Mates of Tory MPs will be instant multi-millionaires all over again!”

Nice work if you can get it.

“It’s who you know.”

AUNTIE SCHTUM : Where lies thrive democracy dies, the political editors at the national broadcaster know this as well as you and I, which is why they are so keen to cover judgement on the PPE contract scandal, after the High Court slammed Health Secretary Matt Mancock.

Billions have been handed over the course of the pandemic by Matt and friends, sometimes to friends of Matt and friends. Is this any way to govern a representative democracy?

“We won’t stand for it. We’re livid. We have a duty to inform and we’re following through on it,” BBC political editor, Mr Tory Plant, told LCD Views. “Lesser, stupid publications like yourself will just mock the government for its apparent corruption, and six figure salary taxpayer funded so called journalists like me for bias. But you’re wrong.”

So wrong are we that the Beeb is planning to film a searing documentary on what Matt Mancock has done with all those tens of billions of public cash.

“We’re getting right on it. Just as soon as we finish wall to wall, 24/7 coverage of Harry and that American and their outrageous attempts to prevent a repeat of Diana’s story.”

We won’t have long to wait for the state funded broadcaster to cover the corruption at the heart of the cabinet and to demand not just answers, but resignations.

“It’s great to pay the public broadcaster’s journalists and executives salaries matching the commercial world. It buys us right into the status quo and we don’t even realise it!”

‘Matt Mancock – A Very British PPE Scandal’ is due to begin filming in 2031.

“That should be long enough for Johnson and his crowd to have cleared out of Downing Street and off into exile in South America. And once the UN peacekeeping force has successfully re-established peace in England, following the Kent border wars of the late 2020’s, we’ll get right on it.”

Remember when politicians used to resign when they ‘acted unlawfully’? Ha! Suckers! Know your place!

TO INANITY AND BEYOND : Hungry Martians need no longer wait for quality British pork and cheese products after Galactic Trade Superhero Liz Truss announced she is going to let them trade with Galactic Britain.

It seems like only yesterday when Liz announced that she was going to allow the Earth based Pacific Trade Partnership accept her application to let them allow us into their club. With the cosmic winds now puffing her sails she’s reaching for the stars.

“Mars is an untapped market for British jams,” an aide to Truss told LCD Views. “It’s not just pork Liz wants to sally forth with, not just cheese in her smile, there’s also our high tech flag industry. Have you ever seen a Martian flag? That’s an untapped market right there that will be worth gazillions.”

And once the U.K. has successfully allowed the Martian Trade Partnership to invite the U.K. to join it’s guaranteed the engorged bloc will grow at rates the failing EU can only look to the heavens and pray for.

“It will take decades, potentially even centuries for the slow moving megalith of Europe to even open negotiations with Mars,” the aide notes. “By the time they begin planning to send an envoy Liz will already have successfully released a press release about a stellar agreement, to be confirmed and renegotiated in short order, with the frozen microbes that exist beneath the sands of the Red Planet.”

But it’s not all smooth sailing. No less a powerhouse than Foreign to Geography Secretary Dominic Raab is thought to be concerned about the overtures by his colleague.

“That’s because he thinks the Red Planet is communist because of the ‘Red’, but we’ll just colour it pink on his map and he’ll believe in short order that it’s a far flung part of the British Empire. Give him a few days and he’ll be suggesting a military partnership giving the U.K. full control of the Milky Way.”