Category: Really fake news

DUCK IN THE MIDDLE WITH YOU: The pilot of the stranded barge in the Suez Canal has given his version of events. It appears he was trying to preserve local wildfowl.

The HMS Brexit is now so firmly wedged between the banks of the canal that it will take a monumental effort to free it. It has created so much friction for local trade that not even 73 pages of paperwork and a large bribe can ease it.

“I did what any pilot would have done,” insisted pilot Harrrda Starrrboard. “There I was, steering hard to the right, according to UK guidelines, when out of nowhere this duck appeared in front of me. She had all these fluffy little ducklings with her. You should have seen them, they were so cute!”

Evasive action was clearly necessary.

“Yes, well, I panicked, didn’t I,” said Starrrboard. “I didn’t want to run them over, so I braked hard, swerved, and sounded my horn all at the same time. Unfortunately the back end swung round, and, well it’s like the barge equivalent of your car ending up in the ditch. I called the AA at once, but to be honest, this has nothing to do with my drinking problems.”

Meanwhile the duck was unimpressed.

“It’s that old canard, swerved to avoid a duck,” quacked Livina Pond. “It’s come to a pretty pass when I can’t take the ducklings out for their daily exercise without some stupid drunk piloting their massive boat past my front door. I’ll tell you what this canal needs, it needs speed bumps and a pelican crossing, that’s what it needs. This used to be a nice quiet backwater once, before these maniacs started using it as a cut-through.”

If you don’t like it, you could always move.

“What, and go and live in the Med?” quacked Pond furiously. “Have you seen the prices there? And all the bloody tourists! No, I’ll take my chances with the boats, thank you very much!”

Got to love a duck!

IF GOD DOESN’T WHO WILL : Rumours have been circulating for days in the make believe land of Brexitannia that some upgrades need to be made to certain national symbols to make them match fit for an Idiocracy, and those rumours are true.

While most are focused on statues and flags though, a hard working thinktank within Downing Street has come up with another mod to complete, after outsourcing their job to a consultancy for a well spent seven figure sum.

“We need to give the National Anthem a do over,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “The Queen is irrelevant anyway. Everyone can see that. We lied to her to close parliament and she didn’t kick us out of office? What does that tell you? Move over old lady! The bad boys are back!”

The actual upgrade being considered relates to the national anthem, which as many as five people in the United Kingdom actually know all the lyrics to by heart.

“God Save The Queen is clearly an anachronistic dirge in the world of 21st century klepto-fascist-neofeudalist-makebelieve-democracy,” the source explains. “We have a king. Not a queen. The song will now reflect that.”

In line with this the title of the anthem will change too.

“God Save Boris,” the source beams. “It’s three words. Three words is our magic number. Although the lyrics have more than three words. The first lines now go ‘God save our bollocks, long live our bollocks, God save Boris, Send him inebriated, happy on Bollie, long to reign over us, God save our bollocks’. The new anthem is much like the man himself. A complete load of balls.”

WHATEVER IT TAKES : The sleepy little town of Basset-Flux, a Conservative stronghold that voted 99.9% in favour of Brexit, is in the news again today after their MP was cleared of wrongdoing over an expenses claim.

The Right Honourable Barry Glaize has served the constituency as its MP since someone stuck a blue rosette on him at birth. But this is the first time he has come into contact with notoriety.

A source inside the MP’s constituency office said “Barry was shocked to get a phone call from the chief whip himself. He didn’t even know Barry existed, so far as we could tell. Mind you Barry always just nods like a dog and claps like a seal, so there’s no reason he should have stood out. He’s really just lobby fodder because the local people pay next to no attention to who they elect.”

Now though Mr Glaize is having his fifteen minutes of fame after claiming £0.36 for the time it took him to select and use Union Flag emojis in a tweet regarding the Battle of Agincourt.

“He was serving the people of Basset-Flux when he tweeted to demand the 24th of OCtObER be a national holiday. Why shouldn’t he be reimbursed? He’s not a charity. He’s not a food bank.”

And it seems the PM’s office agrees as it has blocked a referral to the committee that investigates expenses fraud.

”I think asking him to tweet the wrong date was a nice touch. Should help the dead cat along. You’ve got to stretch yourself after old Walker agreed to make a spectacle with a pint of milk! Anything to keep the smouldering bin fire that the U.K. now is off the front pages. National service and all that.”

Whether or not Mr Glaize will get his public holiday remains to be seen.

“He’s ready to tweet about it again with even more flag emojis. Just waiting for the whips to call again. Bit like standing still on the road to Mount Doom waiting for the Eye of Susan to find you! But we’re ready to do our bit to stop anyone hearing how many doses of that medicine the EU has exported to the UK. Just pick up the phone.”

GUTTED : A nation of shopkeepers is in mourning today after a famous Uxbridge chip shop was burnt to the ground after being set ablaze by an idiot.

“Something’s Fishy has been serving the local community of Uxbridge for over 40 years,” our correspondent reports. “But all that came to a fiery end yesterday after it was set ablaze by an idiot described as blonde and shambling.”

It’s believed the man fled the scene of disaster on a large red bus “driven by a gap toothed lunatic in a Union Flag patterned suit” who may or may not be a serving cabinet minister. Or maybe soon.

It’s believed the blonde idiot himself talked his way into the shop after dressing as a chippie by saying he was “looking to make himself more approachable” and fancied “getting his fingers fishy”.

It’s believed the experience was actually going quite well for all involved until the blonde idiot noticed the owner of the chip shop’s younger sister was in a “small office area to the rear”. She is said to have been wearing a shirt skirt with a “loose fitting blouse” and her “long blonde hair tied up in a way that reminded the idiot of a party at a mansion in Italy”.

This is when the accident occurred as the blonde man took off his apron and threw it onto the fat fryer, along with “pretty much the entirety of the UK’s trade with continental Europe”.

The blaze was instantaneous. The blonde idiot and his handlers fled the scene immediately, apparently tossing fifty pounds notes over their shoulders while “cackling like hyenas”.

Police advised anyone sighting a man fitting the description of a “blonde idiot” not to approach him and warn he “could be dressed as anything. He is a very elaborate hoaxer. Best to keep well clear and phone the relevant authorities.”

The local MP is said to be considering organising a clap for the shop’s owners if “he can be bothered”.

MENTAL ARITHMETIC : THE TORY DOMINATED COUNCIL OF BASSET-FLUX has announced it has completed work to make its town centre “more patriotic” in order to “help make a success of Brexit and Global Britain”.

The council, in which nineteen of the twenty seats are held by Conservatives, recently voted 19-0 to remove all the “unpatriotic French trees” from its high road. The vote of the twentieth councillor was ruled “void” after they “voted the wrong way like you expect of an antifa communist fascist”.

“We took the action after one of our residents, Figel Narage, known locally as ‘Brexit Dad’, discovered the trees that dominated the sweeping views of our charming medieval high road were in fact French,” Biff Gammen, Council Leader, told LCD Views.

“Imagine that? Traditional English thatched roofs with French trees obscuring the view? Did we send our sons to fight at Agincourt for that? Just that alone most likely explains the collapse of our local industry since January this year. It’s like God is punishing us. We haven’t been able to export a single block of our famous red, white and blue cheddar to Estonia since Christmas. But we expect with the installation of the flag poles that things will now turn around.”

It seems that Figel Narage had the startling revelation, regarding the infiltrating  Arbre de Judée, while on a summer break last year. The purpose of which was to settle a legal dispute with his ex-wife, who now lives in the Provence village of Texas, with her younger lover, Miguel and their French bulldog (called Paris – after the character in the Illiad).

“It’s not as if it wasn’t enough of a struggle for a patriot to holiday during the current cold and flu season, which because of the EU keeps on happening on our shores. Figel was stunned upon his return from Province to realise that the Judas Trees (so popular in Texas, Province, France) dominated Basset-Flux’s high road like right little Napoleons.”

Now of course Figel can look forward to happier days, as can the entire town.

“A friend of the Health Secretary’s offered to cut the trees down and remove them for us. All we had to do was outsource our local GP surgeries to some nice American chaps,” Biff explained. “Then we were able to purchase the poles from some chubby mate of the Housing Secretary. Complete bargain. Job lot. We sold the last Renoir sketch off the wall of our Town Hall to make that happen. We’re now just waiting for the Union Flags to arrive. They’re being stitched up in a factory in Flanders, apparently, run by some former girlfriend of the Prime Minister. It swells the chest with pride.”

Basset-Flux? You won’t find a more patriotic town in all of England.

“It’s going to be wall to wall Union Flags by the time we’re finished,” Biff Gammen adds. “It will all be ready in time for the Festival of Brexit. We’re even replacing the fruit and vegetable section of our supermarket with them.”

VIRTUE FLAGGING: Government offices must fly the Union Jack because some of them have forgotten who they are working for. Not the Russians, but the People’s Reputation of Boris Johnson.

Any offices flying the flag at half mast will be jailed for 10 years under the new peaceful protest regulations.

Accordingly, many government offices now have their own Flag And Patriotism Commander. But up and down the country, these Commanders are realising that their existing flag is either too moth-eaten, too out of date, or simply too small to be patriotic enough. So many new flags have been ordered.

This is causing massive problems. Instead of working together (this is far too socialist to be contemplated under the current regime), each town hall, tax office, and job centre must source its own flag.

Unfortunately the nearest flag manufacturer is in Poland. This adds third country VAT and surcharges to the price, and 76595234896 pages of documentation to complete in triplicate. Also, no reputable EU carrier is willing to deliver a few paltry flags to insignificant outposts of government on Plague Island.

In desperation, many Commanders have turned to smugglers for help. Newly skint expats in Spain order the flags, and receive them a couple of days later. They are shipped to Ireland under the Jolly Roger, then ferried to Holyhead under cover of darkness disguised as portraits of The Fallen Madonna With The Big Boobies.

Male voice choirs with herds of sheep then distract the Welsh customs officials, and the contraband flags are stuffed into unmarked black SUVs, which then pelt down the A55 to England and safety.

All totally legal and above board. Remember, this is the UK not Russia, and there is no suggestion that the smugglers each carry a vial of novichok in case they are discovered.

And it will all be paid for from savings generated by cutting essential services.

THE SOUND OF PUPPIES IN A SACK GOING SPLASH : THE UK’S HOME SECRETARY PRITI PATEL is accustomed to receiving criticism while just going about her day to day work of making life worse for people. But today is a new low.

In what should have been a day of victory, after Ms Patel published her new policies for asylum seekers, the Home Secretary has instead found herself on the receiving end of some brutal personal attacks on her character.

“She’s suggested allowing desperate people to actually reach our shores to begin with,” one keen observer noted. “This is a huge disappointment after last year she spent hundreds of millions of taxpayers’ money flying an RAF jet in circles over the English Channel in the hope of intimidating people into going back to France.”

Some of the criticism will surely smart with some even saying she is now “wearing her heart on her sleeve”.

How the Home Secretary will respond isn’t clear. There are low level rumours that she is far too generous with her staff and some fear she may love bomb underlings with expensive, hipster doughnuts and vouchers for things like mini-breaks in out of the way, executive holiday destinations. Anything to receive validation.

Other Patel followers have dismissed the accusations though and claimed the people saying it have not been paying attention.

“You should look closer at any of her press photos,” one instructed. “There’s a screaming circle of hell on her sleeve. Looking into it is like looking into the face of nightmare itself. Her heart has always been worn visibly on her sleeve.”

SHAPE SHIFTING TRUTH TWISTING : Like all good and dutiful subjects of Queen Elizabeth, the English Prime Minister Boris Johnson yesterday completed the 2021 census.

Rumours have it that his answers are some of the more entertaining to be recorded yesterday, and many of them answered several times, or at the very least in duplicate.

LCD Views has received a leak which is is claimed (without any justification at all) to be the PM’s entry from the National Office of Statistics.

“It says he recorded his occupation as ‘World King’ and ‘Shapeshifting Creep’,” our leaky correspondent notes. “For address he wrote down ‘10 and 11 Downing Street’, but also ‘Wherever a busty barmaid and a bed are’.”

So much so predictable.

“Nationality gets rather interesting as he’s recorded himself as ‘Could not give a toss, except where it suits my political objectives’ but also ‘1930’s’.”

This effectively squashes rumours that he had written European down, but points to where he takes inspiration for governance.

Religious beliefs also turned up as expected.

“Church of Brexit and Me.”

And that was not all.

“The section where he had to record his relationships to the other members of the household is fun, it is the only one where he recorded a single answer.”

And what was that?

“Temporary. Which is no change from the previous censuses he has filled out. It is stronger however, than his relationship to the truth. Which is none.”

PATRIOTIC FERVOUR : Meile Tikket, Tory MP for Kassett Taip, has drafted a private member’s bill requiring all public buildings in the United Kingdom be renamed in honour of Winston Churchill.

The little known MP, who has represented Kassett Taip in Central Kent since the election of 2013, said he drafted the surprising legislation over fears Britain’s wartime leader would soon be forgotten.

“Thank you for talking to me, no other media organisation would. They fear being seen as self-professed patriots. That just shows you how toxic the wokeflake agenda has been on our media. As to my bill, my constituents don’t write to me over food poverty or the pandemic,” Mr Taip told LCD Views. “They write to me out of concern our glorious past as a country is rapidly being forgotten. I aim to do something about that.”

And the something would be a dramatic change in the landscape.

“All public buildings, government at all levels, schools, museums and military establishments will be renamed The Winston Churchill etc once my law comes into force.”

The action is believed to have the support of the prime minister, although as you can’t believe a bloody word he says, it’s not clear if that is true or not.

“I would go further too, with subsequent legislation. I would require all public houses to also be renamed in honour of Winston Churchill. There’s only three or four known pub names in the U.K. anyway, so it wouldn’t not be too great a shift and everyone would know what pub you were meeting at once they all have the same name.”

And it’s not just the names of public buildings the MP has his sights on. He is also concerned about flags.

“At the moment I am currently drafting legislation which will force all napkin and tablecloth makers to only use Union Flag fabric in their factories. Boxer shorts too. Union Flag. We hardly seem to know who we are as a nation anymore, but once a man can lawfully take a flag to bed and call it his wife, everything will be clear to everyone.”

LCD Views lends our support to Miele Tikket and wish him all the best with his lawmaking. Finally, someone is doing something that’s not boring, unlike the pandemic.

HOW DO YOU KNOW HE’S LYING : GREAT NEWS TODAY with the announcement by archaeologists that they have discovered the remains of the last Tory MP to tell the truth.

The search has been on for sometime with many in the country believing there must once have been an honest Conservative MP? Just no one can remember when. Especially not when faced with the current endless parade of charlatans today.

“We are very pleased with our discovery,” lead excavator on the dig, Colin Astounds, told LCD Views. “When we started our search many told us it was pointless. But finally, with the discovery of the bones at a ruined abbey carpark we can say we have done it.”

The name of the MP is currently being kept confidential.

“This is just so any living descendants can be located and informed of the discovery of the remains. If they themselves are Tories, or if one is even an MP, hearing that in the long, lost past one of their ancestors once told the truth? It would be publicly very shameful. They would become a laughing stock amongst their entirely dishonourable contemporaries.”

What the truth was the MP told is not entirely clear, but legend has it he coined a phrase that has changed little since its invention.

“I can tell you what he said. The one truthful thing,” Colin Astounds said. “He told family members and constituents, who had gathered by his deathbed, the following, ‘When I die my lips will stop moving and in this way you will know I am no longer lying’.”