MENTAL ARITHMETIC : THE TORY DOMINATED COUNCIL OF BASSET-FLUX has announced it has completed work to make its town centre “more patriotic” in order to “help make a success of Brexit and Global Britain”.
The council, in which nineteen of the twenty seats are held by Conservatives, recently voted 19-0 to remove all the “unpatriotic French trees” from its high road. The vote of the twentieth councillor was ruled “void” after they “voted the wrong way like you expect of an antifa communist fascist”.
“We took the action after one of our residents, Figel Narage, known locally as ‘Brexit Dad’, discovered the trees that dominated the sweeping views of our charming medieval high road were in fact French,” Biff Gammen, Council Leader, told LCD Views.
“Imagine that? Traditional English thatched roofs with French trees obscuring the view? Did we send our sons to fight at Agincourt for that? Just that alone most likely explains the collapse of our local industry since January this year. It’s like God is punishing us. We haven’t been able to export a single block of our famous red, white and blue cheddar to Estonia since Christmas. But we expect with the installation of the flag poles that things will now turn around.”
It seems that Figel Narage had the startling revelation, regarding the infiltrating Arbre de Judée, while on a summer break last year. The purpose of which was to settle a legal dispute with his ex-wife, who now lives in the Provence village of Texas, with her younger lover, Miguel and their French bulldog (called Paris – after the character in the Illiad).
“It’s not as if it wasn’t enough of a struggle for a patriot to holiday during the current cold and flu season, which because of the EU keeps on happening on our shores. Figel was stunned upon his return from Province to realise that the Judas Trees (so popular in Texas, Province, France) dominated Basset-Flux’s high road like right little Napoleons.”
Now of course Figel can look forward to happier days, as can the entire town.
“A friend of the Health Secretary’s offered to cut the trees down and remove them for us. All we had to do was outsource our local GP surgeries to some nice American chaps,” Biff explained. “Then we were able to purchase the poles from some chubby mate of the Housing Secretary. Complete bargain. Job lot. We sold the last Renoir sketch off the wall of our Town Hall to make that happen. We’re now just waiting for the Union Flags to arrive. They’re being stitched up in a factory in Flanders, apparently, run by some former girlfriend of the Prime Minister. It swells the chest with pride.”
Basset-Flux? You won’t find a more patriotic town in all of England.
“It’s going to be wall to wall Union Flags by the time we’re finished,” Biff Gammen adds. “It will all be ready in time for the Festival of Brexit. We’re even replacing the fruit and vegetable section of our supermarket with them.”