Category: Really fake news

GET OUT OF THE SEA : News broke today of a completely unsurprising nature that British Clown Prince (and prime minister) Boris Johnson was almost swept out to sea last year by a politically obsessed Scottish wave.

The wave is said to have harboured ambitions to be a national hero and may have succeeded but for the quick actions of the Clown Prince’s close protection officers.

Sources close to the wave have spoken confidentially to the press and say it was not attempting to physically harm the bumbling idiot, but “scare some sense into him. Perhaps even force a kind of watershed moment. An awakening of consciousness, before returning the shambolic human wrecking ball to shore, where he belonged.”

But a leak from the office of Poseidon, God of the Sea, this evening says that the God was not pleased with the wave at all.

“It’s believed Poseidon has enough trouble explaining daily that he is also Neptune, without having to deal with even more toxic human trash in the sea,” a source which has seen the leaked document reports.

It appears Poseidon was so displeased with the wave involved that he took punitive action to make it an example to other waves.

“It can give up any thoughts of becoming tidal,” the source continues, “Poseidon flew into a fury and demoted the wave to a ripple. The best it can hope for the now is quietly lapping against some pebbles in a secluded cove, before its energy disperses forever.”

Dolphins, porpoises and other marine mammals have been warned that should Mr Johnson go for a swim again they are to immediately return him to shore.

Furthermore, Godzilla has been approached by Poseidon with the aim of levelling the U.K. completely to remove the threat of Mr Johnson polluting the sea ever again, but it’s believed the decision has been taken to hold off for the moment.

“He’s doing a competent enough job of laying waste to the U.K. without any divine assistance. So they’re just going to hold off on that for the moment and see how things pan out.”

WE HAD A WHOLE WORLD WAR ABOUT THIS : Great Britain’s latest great national broadcaster, GB News, has aimed its laser guided fire onto the entire world’s social media platforms after a ruling in the social media companies Star Chamber.

Major social media companies had been expected to allow the use of a new “far right salute” emoji on their platforms because after all they “allow any old hateful bollocks as it is and often take far too long to remove it”, but it seems the privy councillors who adjudicate on such matters felt it would be a “goose step too far” to allow the salute emoji.

While the army of the Woke will certainly be thrilled that they have one less battle to win against the hateful idiots of the right, not everyone is impressed. Free speech champions Gratuitous Bollocks News in particular are said to be seething.

“Galloping Bunter News was established to fight against the cancel culture warriors that insist we don’t shout down anyone who disagrees with us with fabricated horseshit. The decision to disallow the open palmed salute emoji on social media platforms is another backward step for those of us who believe a lot of right thinking can be learned from the failed fascist experiments of the 1930’s.”

Gritty Ballsack News is expected to attempt to engage the services of far right superhero, Nigel Farage, in campaigning to overturn the decision.

“When Mr Farage has a break in his schedule and is not shouting at small boats we would appreciate it if he talked about this wokery gone insane on his show on the other GB News,” a representative of the fictional GB News told LCD Views.

“My quest to once again return the toothbrush moustache to popularity has been set back years by the outrageous decision to ban the far right salute emoji. The free speech of all fash is now at risk! How are we supposed to have WW3 and lose the argument all over again with decisions like this being taken?”

It’s not yet known what Mr Farage believes of the made up decision to ban the salute emoji, but the expectation he will be “fuhreous” is the most common.

WHAT VALUE LIFE : Home Secretary Priti Patel has the fight of her life on her hands to stop people reaching safety, security, humanity and the chance of a new life in Great Britain, but she’s up to the challenge.

Since taking up the powerful post of Home Secretary, after being fired from her previous post for running a private foreign policy agenda, Ms Patel has shown that a display of the worst of human instincts is no longer a barrier to success in U.K. political life.

“Boris Johnson deserves a lot of the credit,” a fictional Home Office aide to Ms Patel told LCD Views, during a break from the afternoon’s staff bullying session.

“Gone are the days when being found to have acted unlawfully would have ended a political career. You can thank the entire Conservative Party for that, and the Murdoch press. Once we would have lost Ms Patel’s special talents and drives to the private sector. Thankfully she is able to carry on furthering the work Theresa May began with the Hostile Environment under Dave ‘Call me Coma’ Cameron.”

And carry on she does with gusto. Nothing can stop her. But now she’s a new challenge as just being really bloody awful and displaying historical amnesia has not stopped those darn human beings fleeing war zones full of British arms.

“Nigel Farage was expected to singlehandedly take out the RNLI but that seems to have backfired, much to everyone’s bafflement around here. So we’re turning to the classic Conservative solution to get rid of irritating public services.”

The solution being letting the free market have at it!

“The contracts have been drawn up and the required licences gifted and a free market alternative to the RNLI will soon be launching. With a keen business sense and the backing of government loans the private lifesaver service will undercut the RNLI and drive them right out of business.”

Choice is vital to the customer and providing a choice of rescue services will be just what the Channel needs to satisfy the demands of the Tories core vote.

LOVE THE CRIMINAL, HATE THE CRIME: Hopeless hapless Foreign Secretary Dominic Raab has been rushed to hospital with burned ears. What’s left of the NHS has patched him up and sent him packing. 

Why were his ears burning? Not because lots of people have been talking about him. No, the natural heir to the great Chris Grayling has been getting in on the act, and attempting to use a burner phone. 

“Everyone is doing it,” bleated a defeated Raab, a wreath of smoke still gently rising from his lugs. “All the other ministers have a burner phone, so I thought I would come to the party, so to speak.” 

You’re on fire now, Dom. 

“No, just smouldering gently,” he said. “I don’t know what went wrong. I followed the instructions to the letter. I procured an ancient Motorola handset, and used Govey’s blowtorch to ignite it, and here we are!” 

No smoke without fire. 

“I just don’t know where I went wrong,” he despaired. “My ears have been really badly singed! It’s a good job I was bald already!” 

You’ve been badly burned. 

“What I don’t get,” he whimpered plaintively, “is how old Jimmy Bethel isn’t scorched all over like me!” 

Lord Bethel is only the latest miscreant to mysteriously change his phone as soon as the courts decide they need to see it. Unlike Raab, he clearly knows what a burner phone is. And he doesn’t want to get his fingers burned. 

Meanwhile the It’s All Greek To Me Office has moved quickly to ensure that The Boss is kept away from all kinds of telephone. And computers. And televisions. And the office. Just to be on the safe side. 

Unconfirmed rumours from the impeccable Downing Street source suggest that Raab has been trying to send smoke signals, using candles. Unconfirmed unconfirmed rumours suggest that he has merely succeeded in burning off his ear hair. 

RED OR BROWN SAUCE : The British Prime Minister Boris Johnson has been forced to take time out from his walking holiday in Scotland to respond to reports of an outbreak of cannibalism in a Surrey supermarket.

“Good thing I’m hundreds of miles away! Ha! What! Ha!” the PM said initially, before ruffling his hair more insincerely and adopting a more sober face.

While reports of cannibalism were anticipated as a natural consequence of leaving the European Union, it had been expected they would be financial, with key international players devouring the UK alive. Additional incidences of the country’s lawmakers eating whole the democratic processes they embody were also forecast. Actual cannibalism this early in the process is something of a shock.

“Shows you what the experts know,” Mr Johnson shrugged, “of course I’m appalled, appalled at the ah, um, the Medusa like spectacle in the Surrey fresh produce aisle. I urge all Britons not to eat each other regardless of how severe the breakdown in supply chains become. Why the great GREAT AND NOBLE tradition of pottage making for peasants is clearly a viable alternative to a full basket at Marks.”

But when pressed as to how the government would respond to prevent the outbreak worsening Mr Johnson hid in a nearby hedge. Reporters were able to locate him in time, in spite of his hair blending seamlessly into some thistle plants that had finished flowering and were dishing out that white fluffy stuff.

“Look, it’s perfectly straightforward. The EU is punishing us for Brexit. They’ve done this with their tedious and legalistic obsession with keeping promises agreed to in international treaties. Rather than ruin my afternoon shooting grouse you’d be better off phoning up the stuffed shirts in Brussels.”

The press seemed strangely persistent though, so the PM was forced to fall back to the standard government position on anything at all now.

“We’ve had the fastest vaccine roll out in Europe! We couldn’t have done that without Getting Brexit Done! What’s a little bit of cannibalism between patriots! It’s the taste of sovereignty.”

NOW YOU SEE NO YOU DON’T : Residents of the little patriotic town of Bitchling Deacon, in Tory held NorthSouthWest Sussox, are to hold a bunting dressed ceremony later today to celebrate the next stage of Brexit.

The cause celeb is the local Tesco superstore which landed outside the town like a behemoth flying saucer in 2011, and eliminated all independent family food based businesses. Since then it has been the focal point of the community whose traditional industries include which burning and the immolation of other words which indicate choices.

Local dignitaries are expected to attend the ceremony which will involve the regional Conservative Party chairman beating himself in the face with a brick, before he presses the button to lower the upbeat, silver cardboard superstructure in place.

Quite what the town will do for food after the empty store is hidden from view behind the massive structure isn’t yet clear, but industry experts suggest they are ahead of an important National curve.

“The hiding of the superstore will allow the locals of Little Bitchling to get a head start in the vital post Brexit industries of hunting and foraging,” Mr Spaffcox commented, “and cannibalism. If they hone their skills early they’ll have a distinct advantage over neighbouring tribes and will have full bellies until Priti Patel is placed into a medical coma and the end of FOM reversed.”

The ceremony itself is open to all but attendees are encouraged to attend maskless and huddle so the other great Conservative project, using the pandemic to conceal Brexit supply chain issues, can continue unabated.

A FRIEND IN NEED : Global Britons are set to reap the rewards of Prime Minister Boris Johnson’s refusal to investigate Russian interference in U.K. democracy.

The reticence on the part of the Tory government to investigate outside influence in our democratic processes at first seemed just a nice way to reward the Russian business people who are so generous to Tory Party coffers. But now it’s coming back around and everyone is advised to be grateful.

The cause is Mr Johnson finally finding a way to solve the HGV driver shortage which sees British supermarkets emptying of produce at an accelerating rate.

Initially it was expected that Mr Johnson, and Home Secretary Priti Patel, would weather the blowback from the insane, manic, swivel eyed, mouth foaming eurosceptics in their party and simply unwind the ending of Freedom of Movement. Rather than see British voters suffer. But that is the sort of backward thinking that won’t drive British shoppers forward.

Downing Street issued the following reassuring statement to ease the growing concerns over what were first empty shelves, and is now vanishing aisles headed for full blown crisis.

“The Prime Minister would like to extend his gratitude to the Russian Federation for their offer of assistance in our time of need. It came as a surprise that the EU would seek to punish its good friends across the English Channel, and deprive our domestic consumers of choice of nationality of HGV drivers. Happily the Russian President was moved by the images of Tesco which so strongly resembled the end of the Soviet Era.”

The first Russian army trained HGV drivers are expected to arrive later this week and Mr Johnson will hold a garden reception for them at Chequers.

The Home Secretary is also said to be considering expanding the scheme and seeking Russian assistance to build new “labour camps” for “unrepentant remoaners”.

A spokesman for the Labour Party declined to comment, pointing instead to party members who say “comrade” in every other sentence for comment.

Mr Johnson is expected to welcome Mr Putin to Downing Street later this month and give him the keys to 10 Downing Street because as far as governing the U.K. is concerned he can “no longer be bothered.”

PUBLIC SERVICE BROADCAST : The BBC are no slackers when it comes to Brexit, the causes of Brexit and the consequences of Brexit.

Few who used to listen to the Today programme on Radio 4 can forget stalwart of patriotic investigative broadcasting, John Humphrys, screaming “BUT THE PEOPLE HAVE DECIDED!&£#%” relentlessly at any traitors who dared to query the wisdom of Brexit.

Those halcyon days, when the Great British public spied a new and expanded horizon, are now well behind us. Today we deal with more mundane issues, like trying to stay alive in a profit driven response to a global pandemic, and when will the food run out because of Brexit?

Clearly blaming Brexit and Brexiters for the absolute cluster they’ve made of Great British supply chains won’t help anyone fill a shopping basket. But timely forecasts of where food will be, albeit momentarily, will be of great service.

That is why the BBC are to begin broadcasting their new The Shopping Forecast. The twice daily segment will air in partnership with The Shipping Forecast and it is hoped will also manage the unintended poetry of the weather news for ships.

But it won’t be brave British sea captains who will have a keen ear for The Shopping Forecast. It will be landlubbers like you and me.

“This new service will help the British public navigate the wealth of boundless possibilities delivered by Brexit,” a corporation spokesman told LCD Views. “No more trying to decide if you’ll attempt Tesco, Sainsbury’s, Lidl, Aldi, M&S or all of them each day. The Shopping Forecast will steer you in the right direction so you don’t return home empty handed to empty mouths.”

A sample of the new news feature has been released so you can wet your appetite.

“Sainsbury’s, Milton Keynes, pastas tending to only a breakfast cereal later. Tesco, Ditchlong, one tray of chopped tomatoes only, be quick. Little Harry’s Offie, Mowlton Membrane, surprising supply of milk, expected to sour quicker than usual…”

But it’s not just the information you require to decide where to forage tomorrow, the new feature will also be voiced by a range of celebrities to give it added value.

“Farage mostly. Because without us providing him a platform for his bad faith BS year in and year out it’s likely The Shopping Forecast would never have existed. It’s our way of saying thank you.”

DOING THYME : The Met police are said to be in a celebratory mood this morning with news of the successful overnight raid on one of Britain’s largest black market vegetable rings.

The underworld dealing of illegal fresh produce has become a blossoming crime in the post-Brexit landscape, as imports of fresh food become ever more difficult and large scale, legitimate U.K. producers find themselves completely shafted by a combination of Johnson and Gove promises.

“The police are now tough on courgettes and the causes of courgettes,” a Met police spokesman told the media, during a press conference in which millions of pounds of vegetables seized from a derelict East End warehouse were put on display.

“Dealing in illegal veg is not a victimless crime,” the spokesman said, “children as young as two, who believed they were safe from marrows and raw carrots and could enjoy a bag of crisps, suddenly find their dad swaggering home from the nearest carpark with a bag full of healthy and nutritious food in a reused shopping bag. The impact on the young can be devastating. Often this is the start of a path that could lead to veganism and growing their own fresh produce.”

Police warned that parents were particularly vulnerable to being groomed by the criminal gangs while “standing in the empty space in Tesco where the fresh fruit and veg used to be and wondering what the hell is going on”.

“These are the times you need to be most on your guard against the criminals. They approach forlorn looking shoppers and will promise to take them to a private place where fresh produce is available.”

When asked what the government was doing to assist the police in tackling the post-Brexit crime wave, a government minister blamed the disturbing trends on “Covid. The Pingdemic. The obstinacy of Brussels. The need to renegotiate the terrible Brexit Deal that a few months ago was fantastic, before we were retrospectively tricked by Brussels. The Last Labour government. Keir Starmer. Nicola Sturgeon. Jeremy Corbyn. Workshy NHS who need to be privatised for US Health interests. And Matt Hancock.”

Never once did the minister mention Brexit as the root cause.

“We don’t mention it. Boris Johnson’s entire premiership is at risk because he conned the country, did bugger all work and now we’ve got a full blown food supply crisis on our hands. It’s a total mess.”

The police ask anyone who is approached with an offer on backyard or allotment veg to come forward and contact them.

“I’m having friends over for dinner on Saturday and I need tomatoes, carrots, basil and some aubergines if possible.”

CROESO i LYMDER : 10 Downing Street is not forgetting Wales this week as the UK charges head first into a cliff face. Wales is coming along with the rest of us, which is nice.

Many will recall Michael Gove was famously tasked by Boris Johnson with keeping the Union together, after Boris Johnson and Michael Gove did their utmost to place the future of the Union in jeopardy. It wasn’t just Northern Ireland, Cornwall, Kent and Scotland that Mr Johnson was worried about shedding, it was also Wales. They must stay in the Union until Mr Johnson is bored of being PM.

Mr Gove may currently be MIA, but the fruits of his labours live on beyond the harvest.

“Yes the Welsh lost some minor EU funding which paid for apprenticeships to become English teachers and other things useful to the Welsh,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Castles. I hear they’re big on castles. Traditional industry. We’ll be building more of those. But just because the EU now churlishly refuse to send money to our deprived regions doesn’t mean the Welsh will have to wait. Mr Williamson is going to recruit a Latin teacher from a valley, for a start. Then there’s the boost to domestic poem growing. But we’ve more to offer them still. Mr Redwood will tweet soon about Welsh fish. And we’ve got some Tory grade promises to make. Endless promises to level up!”

The promises are believed ready to roll out, repeated ad nauseum, until the news cycle moves on. Once they are firmly embedded in the national psyche they’ll be broken, just to see if the Tories can get away with it.

“We’re going to level Wales up!” the spokesman promised. “Yes, some areas have been left untended since the end of traditional industries but now they too will get promises to level up! Daily. It’s going to be great. We may even send a bus to drive around Wales with the promises printed on the side of it! Who needs the EU when Boris can make a promise to you!”