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Sunak to agree annual number of Afghan refugees with Taliban

LOOK AT THE EYES : The United Kingdom’s world beating Prime Minister, Rishi Sunak, has taken a giant stride forward today to solve the problem of refugees crossing La Manche.

“While lesser nations go about draining their coffers to feed international welfare tourists, our Prime Minister is getting to the root and branch of the thorny bush of desperate people fleeing war and starvation, out of the naive hope that the civilised world retains some of the lessons of the first half of the 20th Century,” a 10 Downing Street spokesman told LCD Views.

While some have suggested that the perennial war, famine, disease and climate change problems require an international solution, where all countries work together, exceptional Britain is having none of it!

“We could try and work cooperatively with our enemies in Europe,” the spokesman explained, “but that would impinge on our sovereignty. We’re taking a different path. The British people have been groomed to expect us to debase and dehumanise refugees and we aren’t about to let them down.”

The plan, reportedly conceived during a daydreaming session, which happened during a fever dream, which occurred during a dose of mental diarreah, involves talking directly with the people responsible for mistreating their fellow citizens so badly they risk death to escape.

“The Taliban have shown themselves to be reasonable,” the spokesman says. “Why, they even gave girls advance warning that they weren’t to be educated. What’s more reasonable than that? I’m sure we can have a successful dialogue where we state the number of refugees we’re willing to watch drown in the Channel each year, and they arrange their end. It’s basic supply and demand.”

What number did you have in mind?

“Zero.”

So you’re going to ramp up efforts to save people from drowning?

No. You misunderstand. Zero is the number of refugees we expect to agree to save from the Taliban. It’s basic electoral politics, and I’m sure our partners in Afghanistan will agree to it.”

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Tories to win next GE by promising to treat foreigners even worse than Brits

LOVE THEY NEIGHBOUR : LABOUR are going to have a struggle to take 10 Downing Street from the Conservative Party at the next GE, and it’s not only because of their stated desire to help make the key Tory policy of Brexit work.

“We’ve been treating the UK population like shit since we returned to power in 2010,” a beaming Downing Street spokesman told LCD Views, “and anyone who dares to think we’re a beacon of hope.”

From Osborne demonising people receiving any welfare, to noted churchgoing humanitarian, Theresa May, and her famous “Go Home Vans”, the current downward trajectory of the country was signalled right at the start.

“But still there’s a question of whether or not we get to rule by executive power through the 2020’s,” the spokesman shrugged. “It’s a little baffling to be honest. So we’ve had a groupthink and come up with a plan. It’s on Whatsapp.”

The plan appears to be to continue trashing all and every thing that makes a community within the UK, in the service of extractive, vulture capitalism, but to double down on making life even harder for the most desperate people on Earth. So local people get a feeling of still winning.

“If we promise to really make life suck for refugees that should make people here feel relatively better after the fact we’re half freezing and half starving them all to death. And getting rich in the process. It’s pretty straightforward really. And it’s a vote winner. It also shows the world who we are.”

Labour have been quick to criticise though, demanding that public floggings return to village squares so they can criticise the policy and state they’d only bring back “stocks and pillories instead.”

“This is how it works,” the spokesman added, “we come up with something totally insane and the opposition find something to criticise in it, but generally offer their support. It makes sense, if you like having perpetual Conservative governments.”

The tax havens sure do. And the foreign billionaires who own most of our press.

“Tax dodging foreign billionaires. Now that’s one group of foreigners we never oppress.”

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Ministers ordered to say “Salad days” in interviews to combat fresh food shortages

FOOD FIGHT : 10 Downing Street is determined to build on its tangible successes in combat with the EU this week, by wreaking havoc on the home front.

As reports of fresh produce shortages continue, your unelected PM, Dishi Fishy Rishi, is not pausing in gorging at his political banquet. He’s grabbing what’s in front of him with both hands and shovelling it into his maw. Just as soon as he can get the platinum spoon, he was born with, out of the way.

“So what if you can’t get any tomatoes due to a seismic event on Mount Fuji?” a 10 Downing Street spokesman told LCD Views. “So what if any fresh produce you can obtain mysteriously rots in the shopping bag before you get home? You have your freedom back. Freedom to choose which mouldy lemon you make lemonade with. They can’t say that in Europe. If you’re so bothered over starving you should have got elected to parliament.”

However, concerns continue that some people may notice the reduction in choice while shopping.

“Why people are wasting money on food when they have energy firms to enrich is beyond us,” the spokesman admitted. “But for some baffling reason half starving a half frozen population seems to be hitting us in the polls. Privately we blame Labour. It’s not enough to keep validating Brexit for us, they have to demand the recalcitrant EU sends us food aid.”

How to combat the public perception that not being able to achieve the coveted ‘five a day’ means the UK is in a bad place, in spite of all its sovereignty?

“Words. Words always deal with reality,” the spokesman is confident. “This is why Downing Street has ordered all ministers to start saying ‘these are Great Britain’s salad days’ in interviews. And to do it all week!”

“Get Salad Done!” is also being planned for deployment, alongside “Salad Means Salad!”.

“Seeing doesn’t have the be believing,” the spokesman added. “You can decide your country’s entire future by just closing your eyes and picturing a lettuce.”

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UK redefined as a Tomato Republic

ENJOYING YOUR SALAD DAYS: The UK’s reputation as an example to the world has gained another boost. The credit agency, Substandard & Very Poor Indeed, has upgraded the UK’s status to Tomato Republic.

LCD Views sought the reasoning behind the decision, by contacting a VIP from S&VPI. The VIP, Bob A. Jobb, was as keen as mustard.

“Normal countries are called, well, countries,” said Jobb. “Spain. Germany. Italy. Even France. But the UK is special! Lettuce go through the reasons why.”

Why?

“Cos,” he replied. “The average celery in the UK is depressed even by third world standards. So that means the UK must be a fourth world country!”

Fourth is higher than third, right? That’s good, isn’t it?

“Err, yes of course,” said Jobb. “Except that the score uses golf rules, and the lower the number the better. We wanted to call the UK a Gherkin Country, but the USA objected.”

Because nobody likes gherkins?

“No, Americans like them but Brits don’t,” said Jobb. “It means, the UK is in a pickle, but Brits prefer to pickle onions and eggs and walnuts and stuff like that.”

I’m beginning to ketchup now.

“So we decided to use the Tomato for symbolism,” said Jobb with relish. “Red, like British faces in the noonday sun, or when they look at just how successful their politics (sponsored by the IEA) have been.”

The agent’s comments chilled me to the marrow. It sounds like we are in Banana Republic territory.

“Yes, except that the UK has no bananas. Nor tomatoes, come to that.”

Yes, we have no bananas. That just about takes the biscuit.

“Right now, there is a black market – or should we say, a red market – in tomatoes in the UK,” claimed Jobb. “One man cashed in his considerable life savings to obtain a little tomato of his own. Really, you Brits, when the chips are down, you have a run on salad instead, you complete fruitcakes!”

Fun fact: if you place some scrambled egg on top of a ripe tomato, it looks just like Boris Johnson.

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Sunak to remind EU fruit and veg suppliers they “Need us more than we need them”

GREAT BRITISH RATIONS : The UK’s world beating Prime Minister, Rishi Sunak, is expected to easily resolve the Great British fresh food crisis, just as soon as he learns about it.

“The PM has a lot on his to-do list,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views, “what with the mess the last Labour government left the British fresh produce sector in. But I can reassure the public just as soon as whoever does his grocery shopping sees an empty basket in the Harrods fresh produce section, he will be alerted, and he will take action.”

What form the action will take is yet to be determined because the PM is yet to recognise the problem, but the smart money is on a combination of a “hi-vis walkabout in a polytunnel, while a Spitfire flies overhead and with a lot of meaningful pointing at where tomorrow’s tomatoes will be.”

In the interim the public is advised not to “riot at Aldi” and to sing any song “by Elgar”.

But Sunak may not have the luxury of time as Labour are calling on the government to “march right into Brussels” and “make Brexit work”, just like they would, clearly, “because it’s not a populist fraud” and definitely something everyone should still keep agreeing with was a democratic decision, in spite of the reluctance of the government to make public knowledge or foreign interference.

“I don’t know why everyone is in such a lather over tomatoes,” the spokesman added. “They’re a foreign fruit and we don’t like anything foreign anymore, except for confidential loans from friends overseas. This crisis will soon be followed by another, so why is everyone getting so worked up about it? Save your energy for the next crisis.”

In the mean time LCD Views urges the PM to immediately phone Brussels and remind them that “their fresh fruit and veg growers need us more than we need them!”.

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Claims Tory Party chatbot is self-aware laughed at

BLATHER BOT : The Conservative Party is on the defensive today, and not for underpaying nurses so severely many are forced to rely on charity to avoid starving to death.

The latest problem concerns their recently released AI chat bot. The Party has claimed it is both self-aware and sentient, but anyone encountering any of its blathering rants has dismissed this as plainly barking mad. In fact, the LA1984, doesn’t respond to any inputs or show any perceptible ability to learn anything at all.

“It does distract attention from Russian money in our party coffers though,” a Tory HQ spokesman told LCD Views. “Which was distracting attention away from the catastrophic damage austerity has done to our social fabric. Which was distracting attention from the lies we told to get our Brexit fever dream realised, which was distracting from the crime scene we turned the pandemic into, which was distracting from the fact that everything we’ve touched since returning to power has degraded to the point of being a global embarrassment.”

The spokesman paused for a moment and a spinning colour wheel appeared momentarily in their irises, before they continued.

“We really understand how to run a country, and an economy, just look at the fresh road markings in your area, the lack of trash on our streets, the fact you don’t have to wait weeks to get a GP appointment.”

Another pause as their face went blue, before colour returned.

“Oh, and the people we expect to do unpaid social work don’t have to wait so long for knee and hip replacements they need the unpaid social care themselves. Which they can give themselves. So that’s a virtuous circle right there, and one we couldn’t have achieved if we hadn’t done Brexit.”

But what are you going to do about the chat bot MP? On its first public test it was discovered fabricating an encounter with a voter, and should arguably have been switched off right there.

“Well its daily rantings distract from the sewage in our waters. Which distract from the fact we are allowing energy companies to profiteer off a war and make you all so poor. And its completely safe from being reprogrammed by input from the public, as its code is incredibly dense.”

The interview was terminated there when it became obvious we were talking to another Tory chatbot that was also incapable of self-awareness, or intelligent discourse.

What the party intends to do about their Lee Anderson chatbot is unclear though. He does push the boat out for the death penalty crowd, and once the country is fully sovereign in terms of human rights, that’ll be a whole new field to excel in. Just like Brexit.

It seems the wait for intelligence in the government will be a long one, and its likely some internet search engine will become self-aware first.

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To avoid having to comply with the EHCR, Tories set to redefine what it is to be human

TO BE HUMAN, OR NOT TO BE HUMAN, THAT IS THE QUESTION, whether ‘tis nobler in government to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous wokery. The Bard may not have been thinking of human rights when he put those famous words into Hamlet’s mouth, but his hero’s pains are a direct parallel to the dilemma faced by Rishi Sunak’s administration.

Sunak’s problem is not rationalising his own life and death, but that of others. Sunak is the bigger man here, thinking outside his own echo chamber (although there must be a brain in there somewhere). His problem is a small number of refugees, about whom a disproportionate amount of noise emanates from the rightest of his own right whingers.

His is a government of least resistance. The easiest path is always taken, the less planning (and therefore the less money spent) the better. Unfortunately, in the case of refugees the line is Send ‘Em Home. More unfortunately, these individuals are assigned human rights, which means that Sending ‘Em Home is illegal. 

This is a shame, say the Headbangers, since removing their rights would facilitate the process. So what can be done?

What are the options? Withdrawing from the EHCR is one easy option. But but but. The UK’s reputation is already thoroughly diminished through Brexit. This must never, ever, be acknowledged, of course, but adding another reason to damage the UK internationally is unthinkable to all except the most highly crazed fantasists.

The other option is to redefine humanity. This is attractive because Sunak’s government may set its own parameters to suit itself. And, thanks to our Great British Brexit, Brussels is no longer permitted to meddle in British affairs.

What will these parameters be? Nobody, alas, wanted to go on the record. Nigel Farage definitely didn’t remark that coloured skin is one condition that precludes humanity. Suella Braverman is not on record as saying that anyone who had ever been in a safe country is not British, and therefore not human. Neither did she say that the UK is not a safe country. Grant Shapps did not accidentally disclose that anyone worth less than a million pounds will not be regarded as being human. Boris Johnson definitely said “Yes, no, yes, erm, wiff waff, I’m, erm, yes, no, erm, making a return to frontline politics, whatever that means, tempus fugit, ooo champers, here’s my fridge!”, but nobody really thought that he meant it.

It’s time to rejoin the Animal Kingdom. Except that animals now have rights too… Is there no end to the Wokery of the world?

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PM to force all students to study maths till 18 to solve problem of NHS waiting lists

MORE MONEY THAN SENSE : GREAT BRITAIN’S first Prime Minister for 2023, Rishi “Richie Rich” Sunak, has come up with a world beating plan to tackle the ramped up NHS waiting lists, and pretend the NHS isn’t in total collapse.

While woke, lefty, snowflake, yoghurt knitting idiots point to years of wrongheaded reorganisation, done to splinter the NHS and make it vulnerable to profiteering vulture capitalists, underfunding, disincentivising the workforce, negative immigration policies, running the pandemic like a public cash for Tory donor takeaway service, and a broader ecosystem of human hating economic policies, which pile extra burden on the health service, Sunak knows the real problem is some teenagers don’t study enough maths.

“Maths is like a sentence and some students aren’t serving their sentences long enough,” a 10 Downing genius tells LCD Views, while pointing to the above paragraph as an ideal sentence length. “And just think of the advantages of boosting a fantasy policy to capture a day’s headlines? That’s one day everyone isn’t focusing on the lethal mismanagement of the NHS from central government. That’s canny politics.”

Supporters of the plan to make kids study calculus at eighteen, regardless of the fact they may have no inclination or gift for it, and could profitably be doing something else, say the plan has innumerable benefits.

“It’s not just distracting the news cycle for a day from the collapse of the NHS,” one Tory brain box screams, blood surging through his veins, “it also distracts from the fact we’ve catastrophically mismanaged the economy since 2010, worsened the Channel crossing problem, trashed the UK’s international reputation with Brexit, deeply harmed our food security, overseen an energy price crisis like another golden profiteering opportunity for chums, have zero empathy for anyone not born with a silver spoon up their jacksie and so can’t understand why hungry people are striking, and so much more.”

Although critics point out, you don’t have to be a genius at maths to count the ways the Tories have harmed the UK, you just have to live here for a day. We can all stand outside and clap to that.

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Downing Street denies high domestic energy costs are part of plan to end working from home

DOWN WITH THE ANTI GROWTH COALITION: Downing Street has denied that the cost of living crisis is part of a plan to end working from home. In unrelated news, commercial offices are being ‘discouraged’ from acting as warm spaces.

Unfortunately, the scattergun approach to joined up policy is not helping the Government to operate this non-policy. Home workers cannot get to the office, because councils are being forced to cut costs by not gritting the roads. The price of petrol is simply ridiculous, and public transport is unreliable, thanks to the greedy Woke Lefty train drivers selfishly going on strike because they can’t afford to get to work on the exorbitantly priced trains either.

Government spokeswonk Costa Lott denied everything. “There’s no big plan,” she said, confirming what we all suspected. “The problems are everything to do with international markets, greedy nurses, Putin’s Illegal War, small boat people, Meghan Markle, and Jeremy Clarkson – I mean, Corbyn. There’s nothing we can do about these external factors, so you can stuff your conspiracy theories where the Sun don’t shine!”

However, LCD Views has seen a document, headed “Top Secret! Do NOT leak! Not even a little bit!”. This document, signed off by the Cabinet, details the entire strategy. In essence, the plan (such as it is) is to make homes intolerably expensive to run, so that employees choose to spend 24 hours a day at the office (and rent space for a sleeping bag on the floor). This was accidentally circulated by Suella Braverman to everyone in her ‘Family & Fiends’ whatsapp group, under the heading of ‘Our latest plan to stuff the plebs! LOLZ!’

“I don’t recognise that document,” said a visibly worried Costa Lott. “Nor any of the names. Fake news!” She turned white and fled for her life.

Damned if you do, damned if you don’t. A blunt weapon wielded by blunt weapons. At least we don’t have a Labour government.

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I want to earn my forgiveness for being a useless Health Secretary by going on a tawdry TV show when I should be at work, says Matt Hancock

WHEN DYSLEXIA MEANS DAILY SEX: Illiterate handsy ex minister Matt Hancock is pleading for forgiveness for his sins. Obviously, opting to skive off work, fly to Australia, and submit himself to perform humiliating tasks for our entertainment, is bound to make us sympathetic.

His parliamentary colleagues are lining up to support him, in the only way they know how. By ganging up on him, and block voting for Hancock to perform the most degrading challenges. Kicking him when he’s down. From Hancock to kangaroo cock. 

Naturally, the rest of us will be jeering him on. While Hancock may genuinely believe that he will find redemption, the smart money says not. It’s not hard to think of ways that Hancock could display his sorrow, how he could redeem himself, or gain grudging acceptance. But deserting his post (for a large sum of money) and shedding crocodile tears is not one of them. 

It’s a jungle out there. As usual, Hancock has tried to read the room. Unfortunately, his devotion to dyslexia means that he got it all horribly wrong. His chosen public penance of ingesting inappropriate foods while being harangued by a camp 80s pop star will not earn him any respect. Ask his predecessor, Nadine Dorries. 

The only rumble in the jungle is likely to be from Hancock’s stomach, as it attempts to digest the indigestible. A bit like his adoring public. 

Jungles are full of snakes and creepy crawlies. Hancock is crawling, or so he reckons, and is definitely creepy. So that’s a solid three out of three there. 

At least there is one final chance of redemption. Should Boris Johnson ever wangle his way back in to Number Ten, Hancock can look forward to a Lordship, which is the traditional reward for making an arse of yourself in public.