LCD Views

IF IT WALKS LIKE A DUCK AND IT…: Many people seem to be of the dazzling belief that the UK is solely governed by inadequates who are opposed by people who seem to believe, since 2010, that agreeing with the most batshit idea the Tories have is the way to oppose. Austerity. Brexit. Constructive during world beating death toll pandemic. Silent on industrial action. Well. The list of mistakes is long on both sides. But to believe this means the political class are not up to the job, as a collective, is to make a serious mistake. A mistake which fails to see the genius at the heart of the Conservative operation.

Even now as the UK gears up for a long and unhappy winter of fuel bills worthy of mortgages and withering trade with a tyrannical, rules based Europe, the Tories are planning to blind you to the new reality the aged, Thatcher porn watching membership is planning to force upon us. A Liz Truss premiership.

What will the UK voters think, all of them, not just the small cabal who elect our PM’s, if they can Liz Truss in action with real power? Or even Rishi “Born to Rule” Sunak? Once the U-turns and about faces and failures begin in earnest, the day they take office, it’s going to be difficult to hold onto office! Old Bojo has pretty much holed the Titanic below the waterline already, and he did it without an iceberg, or the Atlantic (well, maybe some help from across the Atlantic; all those dodgy “think tanks”).

But you won’t see the grisly reality unfold if you can’t see in the dark. And you won’t be able to see in the dark in a blackout because the candles will be in short supply most likely, due to nothing functioning anymore after 12 years of Tory adherence to failed ideology.

“This is why we’re foreshadowing winter blackouts now,” a 1922 Committee insider told LCD Views. “If the UK is in the dark then who will see the Liz Truss premiership?”

Genius.

MEME MERDE SEAU DIFFERENT : BORIS JOHNSON maybe MIA during the closes stages of what has been a rollercoaster premiership from walk-in fridge to lavish donor parties, but the UK’s next PM Liz Truss is everywhere at present.

Happily for the beleaguered UK Ms Truss is having none of it as she attempts to woo a tiny percentage of the country with a hot legged Thatcher improv, and ride their votes like a cowgirl all the way into 10 Downing Street.

While many expect the first thing on her agenda will be torching the Johnson’s ghastly new money idea of taste off the hallowed walls of the old townhouse, we maybe pleasantly surprised over what is keeping her up at night.

“Sabotaging Sunak is clearly my only goal at the moment,” Ms Truss told a small group of drooling old men at a local golf course in Norfolk, “but I’ve also half an eye on the cost of living crisis.”

This will be reassuring news for the shadowy funders of the Tory Party, as the main aim of British governance since 2010 is ensuring that the innumerable anonymous bank accounts in British overseas territories are stuffed to bursting with redirected taxpayer cash.

“To navigate the cost of living crisis and protect the UK’s vibrant money laundering and tax evasion sectors will be a key challenge of the next government,” a close observer observes. “Can Ms Truss convince the public that it’s nurses who are to blame for inflation while also enabling Tory donors to enrich themselves during the Monkey Pox pandemic? We have to cross our fingers and hope.”

Crossing fingers isn’t enough for the blonde maniac and Ms Truss has proven that with her latest policy announcement.

“It’s obvious,” she told her audience, before pausing and staring fixedly at a point in the distance no one else could identify, for a full five minutes without blinking. “I’ll call in the army to fight inflation,” she eventually added before blowdrying her hair live on stage into a Thatcheresque bouffant that saw local viagra sales limp that night.

With Ms Truss what you see is what you get, until she decides you want to get something else.

THE LAW IS AN ASS: The Attorney General has taken a pot shot at legal eagles who dare to uphold the law. Braying barristers and mulish solicitors should not be telling the world’s greatest government that it is acting illegally, she has decided. 

This is hardly controversial, because ministers are big and important people, and the law only applies to the little people. Besides, what’s the point in being in government if you can’t just do whatever you like? 

Suella Braverman was not available for comment in person. This is principally because she is incapable of completing a coherent sentence without blaming the rest of the world for all her problems. 

Instead, Connor Lottermen, spokes-goblin for the Attorney General’s office, was wheeled out to justify the unjustifiable. 

“You can’t break the law if you’re making the law,” said Lottermen smugly. “By definition, it’s impossible for a government to break the law. That’s why the AG is right to stop nosy woke lefty lawyers poking their noses in where they aren’t wanted.” 

So what are government lawyers supposed to do? 

“They should get on with lawyering, or whatever the hell it is they do, and not get involved with legal matters,” said Lottermen. “First it was jumped up footballers, now lawyers are getting above their station. Why can’t everyone just get on with their jobs, and stop interfering with the vital business of our elite politicians to carve up the country between themselves?” 

What is there to prevent a government from acting illegally? 

“I’ve already answered that, it’s impossible for a government to act illegally,” said Lottermen. “In fact, one of the first priorities for Lishi Trunak when he/she/it takes power and abolishes pronouns, is to introduce a Bill of Government Immunity to put a stop to objections once and for all.” 

The law is an ass, and we are led by donkeys.