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Markle to wear new family hat for wedding just to destroy minds of Daily Mail readers

LCD Views can exclusively reveal this afternoon that bride to be Meghan Markle is to wear the famous Windsor family hat on her wedding day just to completely destroy the minds of Daily Mail readers.

“I’m not sure what colour dress she will be wearing,” LCD’s only royal watcher commented, “But I know from my source inside the royal wardrobe that the Queen’s famous EU flag hat is being moved to secure storage as we speak to prevent any attempt to sabotage it before the big day.”

It’s believed the choice of hat is a response to the suspected struggle most Daily Mail readers are experiencing over a non-white woman marrying into the royal family.

“It’s an incredibly difficult issue for them,” our correspondent continued, “I understand the Mail is to set up a special helpline just to help talk to any readers with barely concealed, or totally revealed, racism through the brain busting news that yay! there’s to be a royal wedding, but omfg the bride is not British.”

It’s believed the Queen herself offered the hat to Ms Markle just as she was in the process of asking for it.

“They know they’re going to get on. The first thought both had was how to quietly comment on the lunacy the country is embarked on in a way that was as subtle as a brick.”

The Daily Mail itself is said to be close to boycotting the entire event, unless they can find some dirt on Meghan to sour the ceremony for everyone.

“Believe me they are hard at work digging holes to try and find anything to smear Ms Markle with. She is their worst nightmare. Mixed heritage. Foreign born. Humanitarian worker. Europhile. It’s like the end of the world has come for the Mail, that she should be engaged to a royal.”

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Rescue teams continue to scour Westminster for bad news buried yesterday under the media landslide

LCD Views reports live from the scene today that rescue teams are continuing to scour Westminster for bad news that was abruptly buried yesterday under the media landslide of a royal wedding.

“It’s chaos down here. A big shiny thing has grabbed the attention of the mainstream media and most are failing to notice several elected representatives rushing out with shovels and pieces of paper to bury bad news under the cacophony of the announcement that a couple of people are going to tie the knot and everyone else is going to pay for it.”

It’s believed the biggest potential casualty of the landslide caused by Harry and Meghan was expected (by David Davis) to be his handing over of a heavily edited, recently written school assignment to his tutors.

“He’s a bit miffed. He actually had till today to hand in his work, after getting an extension because he didn’t finish it on time because he was out playing with his friends rather than doing his homework. But he figured when the great big shiny thing happened he would slip it out yesterday and hardly anyone would notice he still hasn’t finished it and he would get top marks,” said a breathless friend of the DExEU secretary.

Also buried under the landslide yesterday was something about sanitary products not going into schools, some other stuff about benefits, and oh, who knows? Look under the rubble! Look especially under the rubble for government press releases hastily pushed out after a couple of kids told everyone they’re tying the knot and you’re not invited!

LCD Views will go on the record and wish them both well and that they have a happy wedding day and live happily ever after, while maintaining our general bafflement at monarchy as a cosmic event. No one in the editor’s office would have wanted to have been born royal. Good luck to them.

Now, if Harry and Meghan could just step to the side so we can search the news rubble underneath them…

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Government criticised for not releasing full statements of the obvious by opposition obviously not fully in opposition to the government

The government has faced stinging criticism this morning for failing to release full statements of the obvious by the official opposition who are obviously not fully in opposition to the government.

“Let me make this clear,” Chuka Umunna MP for Streatham said, after LCD Views put more accurate words in his mouth, “just because I personally voted with the government to trigger Article 50 before seeing any Brexit impact assessments, and so being able to better judge the wisdom of my vote with the government, should not prevent me continuing to play politics on Brexit now.

I am after all, in theory, a member of the official opposition, so long as I am able to keep an uneasy truce with Momentum, or at least keep them out of my local area.”

Other opposition MPs not really in opposition to the government also joined the call to have the statements of the obvious released or the government to be judged in contempt of parliament, even though it’s obvious the government holds parliament in contempt all the time.

Keir Starmer is noted for his deft and ongoing dance with Brexit, as he challenges the government on their shambolic management of the issue that will decide everyones’ future, while being in a party whose leadership keeps voting with the government at every crucial moment.

“I just wish Corbyn and McDonnell and the rest would let me off the leash to go after this bloody government,” He didn’t say, but probably wants to, “They keep promising me, tomorrow, tomorrow, it’s always tomorrow.”

Asked for an explanation of why the impact assessments have been edited before delivering to the relevant committee a spokesman for David Davis replied,

“Isn’t it obvious?”

“Look, let’s be optimistic about Labour,” LCD Views’ top shelf political analyst commented, “either Labour is playing a clever and cynical game over Brexit, waiting for the government to wound itself sufficiently so they can pivot with public opinion and tear May out of Downing Street, and with her Brexit, or we’re all doomed.”

It’s obvious.

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Harry warned not to consummate marriage to Meghan as it will be annulled 11pm 29/03/19

Prince Harry, said to be as stunned as everyone else by news of his engagement, has been warned not to consummate his impending marriage to Wallis Simpson on the basis that it will be annulled at 11pm 29/03/19.

The shocking advice comes as a result of the United Kingdom’s expected lurch back in time that is pencilled in to occur at that moment as the magic power of Brexit consumes the Kingdom.

“It’s just rum luck,” a spokesman for the Ministry of Royal Affairs informed LCD’s only royalwatcher.

“Have you seen how much EU heritage she has in her background?”

There is genuine concern within the government, especially amongst hard Brexiters, that Meghan maybe a spy planted by Junker. This is because hard Brexiters are idiots.

“It’s possibly your classic honey trap. I mean wow. Chap like Harry meets a mysterious and previously unheard of girl like Meghan? And she’s bonkers for him from the off? You’ve got to ask yourself if this is Tusk’s work.”

You have if you read the Daily Mail.

“It’s just country before individual I’m afraid,” the spokesman added, “we will be planning an invasion of the Spanish Netherlands for April of 2019 in order to recapture the EMA.. If she’s a spy planted by the EU there’s no telling what they may do.”

Asked what they will do if Harry ignores the advice and he falls pregnant prior to 29th March 2019, the spokesman was phlegmatic.

“We will need governors for the colonies. I suspect they will be happy in the antipodes. Thank Christ he’s not first in line or we’d have to declare Brexitania a republic.”

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Professional smugglers to be consulted on best way to avoid a hard border in Northern Ireland

The government is expected to announce it’s found a solution to the Northern Ireland hard border problem after consulting professional smugglers.

“The first thing to understand is no one saw this coming,” a spokesman for Downing Street advised this august online publication,

“it would have been helpful if people in Ireland had raised potential problems earlier, rather than the President of Ireland, telling us the entire country was behind Brexit and go for it, only to now start raising concerns.”

It’s believed a complete radio silence on the border issue from across the Irish Sea has led to this abrupt spanner in the Brexit works.

“Nonetheless, we’ve got every other Brexit related problem ironed flat so we can turn our full energies and brains onto the problem created by the Irish.”

Something for which the Irish are expected to be grateful, as with all gifts from England.

“Clearly it’s impossible to stay in the customs union for Northern Ireland. We would advise the Republic comes out too, as that solves the problem right there. Failing that, we will be building a wall to support a new customs arrangement across the border.

But we don’t want people’s livelihoods to be interrupted. Brexit is about making a living easier and increasing rights and liberties of externally influenced, largely useful idiot MPs in Westminster, to more easily funnel taxpayer’s money into offshore accounts.

So to achieve this but keep the Irish happy we will be consulting professional smugglers on the best way passed, under, over or around a customs border, whatever its hardness.”

Once the learning of this engagement has been distilled into a slogan it will be printed out and handed to every citizen either side of the border.

“In essence, in order to fulfil the mandate handed down on that stone tablet from almighty God every Irishman and woman and child is going to become a smuggler. We can’t see any harm resulting from forcing these new opportunities on people stuck in the outdated ways of EU membership.

Let’s all get behind this solution and make a success of Brexit.”

People living in both Northern Ireland and the Republic are asked to speak up sooner the next time they decide to generate problems when Ms May is only trying to improve their lives with no thought of the personal cost.

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Brexit priest to release 58 impact statements into the fires of Mount Agung on Bali

News is breaking this lunch time that Secretary of State David Davis MP (how?) is to release the 58 Brexit impact statements tomorrow into the fires of Mount Agung in Bali.

“We’ve been hoping and praying the earth would open up in all its fiery passions,” an aide to Davis told LCD Views Force Majeure specialist, “this is wonderful. The eruption of the volcano in Bali demonstrates as clearly as a slogan from the prime minister that the ancient god Vulcan backs Brexit.”

It’s believed Mr Davis is already flying first class in an RAF passenger jumbo normally reserved for Prince Andrew’s personal jollies.

“Apparently once he arrives on Bali Mr Davis is to change into a traditional Mayan priest costume and be lowered over the volcano where he will wait for an upsurge of magma before sacrificing the impact statements to the god of fire.”

While certainly an entirely satisfactory way for the government to acquiesce to the will of parliament and the Speaker’s order, the choice of Bali has set the cat among the pigeons of hard Brexiters in cabinet.

“A bloody foreign volcano. A bloody foreign outfit and a bloody foreign god!” one senior Brexit minister fumed to LCD on the basis of anonymity.

“They should be sacrificed in a bloody British volcano, preferably on the border between North and that other bit of Ireland!”

The ceremony is not going to be filmed, as it is believed they would taint the sanctity of the ritual, but we are sure all will go perfectly.

“Davis has half planned the event, well, was almost personally involved in the conceptual of the ceremony, what could possibly go wrong? It’s not like it’s a bloody human sacrifice we’re performing. They don’t start until 2019.”

Good luck high priest Davis. Come back safely. But don’t rush.

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New Ministry of Bollocks established to help make a success of government

LCD Views can announce this morning on behalf of the new Ministry of Bollocks that the government has created a new Ministry of Bollocks.

The primary function of the new ministry will be to produce all bollocks for all ministries of government.

“This will avoid any accusations of dodgy dealings with dubious external think tanks operating as fronts for people who really only have the United Kingdom’s best interests at heart,” K. Hoey MP, Secretary of State for Bollocks advised LCD.

It’s believed the industrial strategy outlined today is the first major work of Hoey’s department, although she is generously allowing others to take the credit.

“Of course our primary function will be Brexit and producing catch phrases to convince the voters that they all support it. But, we will be lending a hand in all areas of government.”

But critics have attacked the government for waste of valuable resources at a time of strain for the public purse.

“It’s a fair criticism to level,” LCD’s own Bollocks correspondent said, “Try and think of one area of public life in which the government is involved directly in that isn’t currently described as being in a crisis? Everything is in a crisis. From defence to forensics to apprenticeships to the NHS and on.”

It’s a fair critique of the current crop deciding the fate of the country.

“They would do better to rationalise resources and merge all ministries into one gigantic Ministry of Bollocks.”

It’s thought Hoey is sympathetic to that, but would resist any move due to the fierce competition that would occur as senior government figures engaged in a struggle to displace her.

“It’s nice that they’ve gifted the job to UKIP’s only Westminster MP though. Kate must be feeling very proud. A new industrial strategy that pretends nothing negative will come from Brexit is a really exceptional work of bollocks.”

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Christmas 2017 in doubt after Santa Claus fails to apply for visa in time

Parents are being advised to manage the expectations of their children today after news broke that famous Laplander, Santa Claus, has failed to apply in time for a visa.

“Even if he did and he crosses the border, it’s likely he will be detained until he proves he has a right to enter the United Kingdom,” an official for the Home Office advised LCD Views.

As anecdotal stories start to circulate of most likely illegal actions targeting EU nationals, it is probably just as well Santa is being forced to dodge a potential billet.

“Oh, we wouldn’t shoot him. Brexit is a front for fascists, but we’re only doing fascism light at the moment and arbitrarily locking up EU nationals at great personal cost, to them, till they prove they have the right to be here. The hard stuff comes from 2019.”

It’s believed this humane new directive is being done as a light touch way of convincing EU nationals they really will be happier staying across the channel with their youth, energy, education and often capital.

“Santa should have lodged his visa entry application form in January to have had any hope of gaining permission in time for Christmas 2017. Please be sure to explain properly to your children it was his fault and not our new policy of creeping xenophobia resulting from Brexiters gaining control throughout government.”

Hopefully an English Santa can be sourced locally and taught to fly a magic sleigh powered by flying reindeer in time for Christmas.

“Don’t go giving people false hope now. Although I have heard a digital Santa will be ready in time for Christmas 2018, maybe.”

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Liam Fox to take a cold bath after admitting “we can not solve the North Ireland border problem”

Liam Fox  is to seek professional help immediately after accidentally admitting they have no solution to the border problem in Ireland.

Speaking to one of the Sunday morning waffle offerings, the minister concerned was asked about one of the more serious vexations of the Brexit problem.

“We can not solve the Northern Ireland border problem,” he replied, before going pale and adding more words that were so loosely related to reality no credible journalist will repeat them.

“Why aren’t you just asking me about the money we will pay the EU for a free and expansive future trading relationship leading to a deep and meaningful relationship going forward as we leave Europe and flail about like idiots in the middle of the Atlantic waiting for disaster capitalists to profiteer us into the deep?”

Why indeed.

A key part of making a success of Brexit is the media focusing as one eyed as possible on a hypothetical amount of money that May’s government probably has no intention of paying but focus on it as it feeds the bias they seek to further against the EU.

“We can’t use that classic tyrant’s trick of building up a fictional external enemy if commentators unhelpfully focus on real and deadly serious issues like endangering the Northern Ireland peace process with our own actions in order to make men like Nigel Farage, and their puppet masters, happy.”

The consequences of Brexit are so real and so serious and so potentially damaging to so many lives, especially in Northern Ireland and the Republic, that it would be best if everyone doesn’t talk about it until it’s too late and Brexit is unstoppable.

“We would ask everyone just to remember they won, it’s the will of the people, even if we totally screw up the good Friday agreement.”

English people are especially asked to consider how many lives they are prepared to damage charging headfirst with this shambolic and completely heroic act of wishful thinking and imperial nostalgia without sufficient care and any planning.

Anyone who knows what Theresa May and Arlene Foster are saying to one another is asked to add the dialogue in the comments.

Someone must know where the magic wand is that avoids a hard border while also dragging Northern Ireland out of the EU. Oh hang on, Owen Patterson apparently has it.

Please begin to wave it even faster expert Owen so we can see it till it dazzles.

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Global Britain to solve Brexit problems by transportation of Brexiters to all disobedient colonies

LCD Views has been officially chosen to announce the new and bold initiative to solve all remaining minor Brexit negotiation difficulties by transporting Brexiters to all disobedient colonies.

“It’s the obvious step forward,” DExEU brainstormer D Twoplanks explained,

“Australia is getting above its station? Simple. We will send a million Brexiters from the counties there and they will assume places in their parliament.”

This strategy is certain to be successful, so successful it will be cut and pasted across the map.

“Ireland? They’re next. To be honest each time someone brings up the border problem we usually change the subject to how we are going to offer a bung to the EU to settle matters and how we’re not going to pay in the end because our support is based on largely angry baby boomers who have never bothered to learn about our actual relationship with the EU. We’re not about to disabuse them now when there’s 0% corporate tax rates for the grasping.”

Argentina and the Falklands and WTO complications will be solved by,

“Expansion of the existing Welsh colony in Argentina with Welsh Brexiters.”

The potential flare up with Spain and the problems it may cause over “the rock”?

“Not a problem. We’ve a twin strategy. We’re going to project films showing the failure of the Spanish Armada onto the rock on the side that faces Spain, so they know what’s in store if they get spicy. We will also transport a million far left supporters of Catalonian independence into Catalonia so they can continue to take an enthusiastic and uninformed view there and ferment trouble.”

Why not just export remainers as clearly no Brexiter thinks the cost of regaining something we’ve never lost can be too high?

“Are you mad? Who’s going to do the work of rebuilding Britain if we export all the brains and talent overseas?”