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Minister says people “shouldn’t wait to die” to release “equity from a kidney”

THE LORD HELPS THOSE WHO HELP THEMSELVES : The UK’s latest Secretary of State, Lord Barrowball Furness, has taken steps today to advise “living and breathing Britons” on how best they can help themselves through the current cost of living crisis.

“The beatings will continue until moral improves,” Lord Furness of Spite told the media, and laughed disarmingly. “We here at the newly established Ministry of Economic Death want Britons to know that if you help yourself during the cost of living crisis we will help you. While we can’t shield you totally from the crisis caused by the next Labour government, we will do what we can in an era of necessary austerity.”

The help appears to be innovative too.

“We know some of you are sitting on two perfectly good kidneys. A fat liver. Two functioning lungs and so on. Two fine retinas. If you already have an organ donor card than you’ve made the psychological step required to prosper in Britannia Unchained.”

To this end the Ministry of Death is setting up a digital exchange where ordinary, hardworking Britons can “sell or barter spare organs”.

“There is no concern over the legality of the new measures. The organ exchanges will be based in Charter Cities and you can just hop on a rail replacement bus service and take yourself, and that profitable organ, to the nearest private hospital and get money on the nail. Your rising mortgage repayments will seem trivial next to the payment for a kidney. Just look after your health and the remaining one will see you through.”

To access the newest free market all you will need to do is download the app.

“Download Great British Organs today. Consider how you may profit personally and literally by giving a fellow patriot a helping hand. Wait. Did I say giving? I meant selling. This is what freedom is all about free of the shackles of the sclerotic EU. Sell yourself out today. I know I have and boy is it profitable.”

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BREAKING : Liz Truss promises to “Save Christmas!”

THE MIDAS TOUCH : THE UK’S CURRENT PRIME MINISTER, LIZ TRUSS, WILL DEMONSTRATE SHE FULLY EMBODIES MODERN CONSERVATIVE PARTY VALUES WITH A SPEECH AT THE OPENING OF A MAJOR NEW, AND COMPLETELY IMAGINARY FOR THE PURPOSES OF THIS ARTICLE, FOOD BANK.

The speech is aimed at reassuring hardworking voters that “Liz is on their side” and, will take place at the ribbon cutting ceremony of South-east Norfolks biggest food bank to date. The bank itself has been called the “Uplifting Food Bank” in a nod of thanks to Business Secretary Jacob Rees-mogg.

Saving Christmas has become a preoccupation for Conservative Prime Ministers in recent years, largely due to the fact they spend most of the year threatening it with terrible policy choices.

“Liz will tell the deserving poor, specially bussed in for the opening of Uplifting, that she is there to help,” a source inside No 10 told LCD Views. “She’s taking the time out of her business Instagram schedule to cut the ribbon herself. And yes the ribbon is red, white and blue.”

Why Christmas needs saving this year is painfully obvious.

“Many people will be looking at this Christmas soon and wondering how the hell they’ll afford it now their fixed rate mortgage has come up for renewal?” the source explains. “What with the additional costs of importing and exporting due to intransigence in Brussels and the last Labour government. The hangover from the pandemic. The energy price crisis and now Kwasi’s mortgage rate fiasco, it will look a little darker than usual. But rising interest rates in response to global shocks and flawed policy making is just sensible fiscal management. Otherwise you have to admit that all you’ve done in government since 2010 is fuck everything up to please a bunch of crazed ideologues. Ordinary Britons have got to pay their share to keep high profits. And yes, if that means borrowing billions to fund tax cuts for the wealthiest, so be it. It’s a price we’re willing for you to pay.”

Ms Truss’s Christmas saving will be completely aligned with how she’s begun her premiership.

“She’ll make sure no millionaire goes without this year,” the source beams. “Then Christmas will trickle down to the poor. You just wait and see. By Christmas 2024 everyone will be enjoying the leftovers of Christmas 2022. In this way we expect them to be inspired to become millionaires too.”

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BREAKING : PM hires “master bullshitter” to do all future media rounds

BALSA WOOD PM : The UK’s least agile interviewee and most fragile PM, Liz Truss, has moved today to quell concerns over the blindingly obvious fact that she can’t interview to save herself, or her government.

“No one expected today to go well, if I’m honest. Bloody last Labour government!,” a backbench Tory MP told LCD Views. “By the way, there’s a reason I don’t have Conservative Party in my social media profiles. Only the team surrounding Truss in the Trunker thought having her actually talk would pour oil on trouble waters. She poured oil on alright, then threw on a lit match. Then stood there with a giant fan directing the gale force winds at the flames and clapped like a trained seal shown a very big fish.”

The catastrophic media round has at least forced the PM into a reaction much faster than destroying the UK economy did.

“The PM is too busy working out which tax cuts to gift to the wealthiest next to take time out to do anymore media rounds,” a source inside the Trunker told LCD Views. “For this reason a famous public figure has been approached to take Ms Truss’s place in all future slots. He will put a charming, bumbling, diverting face to the calamity. Just as he did between 2019-2022. If the people are entertained they won’t notice their house being repossessed.”

When queried why the new spokesman agreed to do it, the answer was obvious.

“He never wanted to do the actual job of PM. Look at how disastrous it is to try! He just wanted to wander about out pretending to be PM. The spokesman’s job is perfect for him. Liz has total faith he will have everyone laughing as they burn their dead pets for heating fuel this winter.”

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“No one can take a joke these days” – UK Chancellor defends crashing UK economy

PENNY WISE : Kwasi Kwarteng, once only famous for laughing during the funeral of Queen Elizabeth II, has added another classic hit to his CV in the last week by singlehandedly crashing the economy of the United Kingdom.

The decision to hit the nuclear button with the missiles all squarely aimed at home was taken as a natural follow up to Brexit. Many had expected the seismic world events of recent years, namely the pandemic and the war of Russian aggression in Ukraine, to temper the zealotry of the Britannia Unchained squad, but many are often taken by surprise.

“You have to admire him really,” a source close to Mr Kwarteng told LCD Views. “All around the world the experts are being consulted over every little shift in economic policy. Not by Kwasi. He knows where he’s going and he’s going for it. Going, going, gone!”

When pressed to defend his amazing policy announcements Mr Kwarteng initially attempted to hide, but when cornered down a dead end alley he turned to face the press. He wasn’t cowed.

“I’m fed up with the woke braying of the IMF and even some in my own criminal gang, I mean political party,” Mr Kwarteng is reported as blurting. “It’s like no one can take a joke anymore? It’s hilarious to watch all those pension funds shitting their pants. We want them to go liquid. We need people to spend their pensions and consume or how stupid will the BOE’s interest rate rises look when younger, working people start losing their homes. Get a sense of humour people. You’ll feel better.”

When pressured to give details of exactly when he will U-turn on his policies Mr Kwarteng was less forthcoming.

“I think it’s best we wait until November,” he smirked, “and see what conditions the IMF attach to the emergency bail out of the UK economy. Don’t you? Let’s keep up a healthy sense of suspense over exactly what we’re up to until then. I wouldn’t be joking if I said I don’t even know myself.”

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Liz Truss denies knowing Kwasi Kwarteng in interview

AND FOOL AND HER OFFICE ARE SOON PARTED : The UK’s shortest ever serving Prime Minister, Liz Truss, has moved to put distance between her and failed economic mind game, Chancellor of the Exchequer, Kwasi Kwarteng.

In spite of rumours suggesting the two of them are “peas in a pod” on macro-fiscal economic pound policy, Ms Truss’s team is believed to be briefing to the media that she is in a different universe altogether.

“Kwasi clearly is on another planet too,” a source claiming to be inside No 10 told LCD Views. “He’s not even in orbit. Neither is the Boss. She’s somewhere beyond Alpha-Centauri, while Mr Kwarteng is thought to be loitering about Beetle Juice. Either way. They’re more than worlds apart. So whatever he is up to, it’s not her fault.”

But in a statement which hints at at least a sympathy for the beleaguered Chancellor, the beleaguered PM’s spokesperson added, “I suggest the blame for the destruction of the UK economy is probably Harold Wilson’s. Definitely Tony Blairs’. Almost certainly Gordon Brown’s and without doubt Keir Starmer, should he become Prime Minister. Neoliberal economics can’t be to blame. That’s an article of faith. We all know faith in something requires no evidence.”

But when pressed to explain why the press is determinedly suggesting the two individuals know each other very well, the source shrugged.

“Look. Ms Truss does not know Kwasi Kwarteng. She’s never met him. If you said his name to her she’d look blankly at you and wait for the camera to click for her latest Instagram post. Whoever he is, whatever he’s done, it’s on him. Now if you don’t mind I have an emergency meeting to go to with the PM.”

What will be under discussion?

“Nothing. We’ll be sitting in a corner rocking rapidly with our fingers in our ears shouting NO NO NO NO.”

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Liz Truss banned from repainting No 10 as “she’ll be gone before the paint samples arrive”

A STITCH IN TIME : THE UK’S GREATEST CURRENT TORY PRIME MINISTER has been banned by authorities from her planned redecoration of 10 Downing Street.

The unusual move by the Property and FUBAR Facilities Department at Westminster was made after Ms Truss and her Chancellor decided to redecorate the UK economy on Friday.

“Have you seen what they’ve done with the UK’s flooring? The colour of the walls? The flipping curtains?” a source inside PFFD told LCD Views. “I mean the Johnsons would have done us all a favour by just vomiting all over Downing Street in one of their frat house parties during lockdown and calling it a postmodern paint job, instead of that celebrity makeover artist. Truss is worse. Much worse. I never thought I’d say that. Ever. Never. Ever.”

The major concern appears to be what Truss/Kwarteng have done with the colour range of the pound.

“It’s all red, red, red. It’s really garish. I can barely look at it. And don’t get me started on what they’ve done with the gilts in the WC’s! FFS. It’s like they gave a starving pig a paint brush and a pot of actual human blood and expected it to write Shakespeare on a Picasso canvas. I can barely make head or tails of what is happening. I think apart from just banning the Truss’s from redecorating we should go a lot further. Take a leaf out of Ripley’s book in Aliens.”

How so?

“Take off into space and nuke it all from orbit. It’s the only way to be sure. But wait until they’re all gathered at the Tory Party conference first. Leak those plans and see what happens to the pound!”

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BREAKING : David Cameron planning political comeback to fix “Broken Britain”

COMETH THE HOUR : The United Kingdom’s greatest living, former Prime Minister, David Cameron, is reportedly “sick to the back teeth” with the mess his successors are making of the robust, fiscally stable and socially coherent country he voluntarily left in their keeping.

“Dave is furious,” an insider in the Shepherd’s Hut Shed told LCD Views.

“You recall when he left office to buy a garden shed that cost the average, annual salary? You remember back then? 2016. Late 2016 when he was photographed on the steps of the shed as part of a rebrand? When he was moving on in life as a lobbyist for Greensill or something. Some green outfit anyway. All above board. Perfectly natural next move for a man without a blemish to his name. The country was united and buzzing with potential.”

It was certainly a golden era. Brexit was there as Mr Cameron’s legacy. To be made into anything the right and left ends of the horseshoe wanted.

“Now look at it! It’s like someone took Miliband, Corbyn, Starmer, the other Miliband and Mao and put them in a blender and poured the genetic smoothie out into a human mould, baked it at 180 until the top was crunchy and made the resulting mess PM! The policy platform is insane. Somebody has to restore the Conservative Party’s reputation for sound, fiscal management. You know, like with austerity, so the working poor paid for the mistakes of the bankers.”

It seems Dave “boy wonder” Cameron believes he is the man to do it.

“The problem with Trussonomics is that it rips the mask off. It unveils the face of death. You’re not supposed to state the Conservative Party is solely now the preserve of kleptofascists. The right wing press has spent years conditioning people whose opinions are valued by business, and for what? Just for an honest statement of our real economics to ruin it all?”

The source is clearly disgusted.

“You’re supposed to achieve the aim by incremental policy changes sold to the public by useful idiots and paid stooges in the media. Not just say we’re eating your fucking kidneys for breakfast and we’ll be back for your lungs for lunch. It’s madness! Accusing people on welfare benefits of being curtain twitchers and scroungers. That’s how you do it. Dave will sort it out.”

Vote for Dave.

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BREAKING : Truss vows to replace Downing Street cat with a bird

ALL CHANGE NO CHANGE AT ALL : THE UK’S IMMINENT PRIME MINISTER Liz Truss has made making vows of change a trademark as she wrestles with Sunak to lead the wilfull blind deeper into the valley of darkness, and today is no exception.

While many expect David Cameron’s old moggy to lounge on at the taxpayer’s expense, rumours suggest Ms Truss is planning to level up the Prime Ministerial pet with a more fitting animal to symbolise her reign.

“The people need to see a new and reinvigorated government,” a 10 Downing Street insider told LCD Views, “the PM has total confidence that the next PM is going to deliver that. This will ensure the rightful PM his chance of making a come back with the new and illegitimate PM is ousted before Christmas.”

Most would expect that PM Truss will choose a lion or a unicorn to replace the pensioned off Larry, but sources close to the heart of the incoming government say Ms Truss has a much more fitting, and personal touch in mind.

“It’s going to be a vulture. Maybe an entire flock,” the source claims. “Why should the real governors of sovereign Britain continue to hide in the shadows and dine in the darkness? Why shouldn’t they step out into the light and take their rightful place as Global Brexit Britain’s champions and mascots? Anyone for a free port?”

Indeed. It’s hard to think of a counter argument and it would signal a new, honest approach to ruling the UK as the new dawn breaks.

“But Ms Truss isn’t without concern for her soon to be defeated contestant Mr Sunak,” the source adds. “She’s going to name the 10 Downing Street vulture Rishi to best symbolise his, and the Tories, style of economic management.”

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Liz Truss expected to say “Blitz Spirit” will enable voters to cope with high energy bills

BURNING BRIGHT : THE UK’S SECOND LAST PM BEFORE CHRISTMAS, LIZ TRUSS, is expected to address the impoverishing scale of energy cost in the United Kingdom sooner or later.

“Right now our focus is on which outfits Margaret Thatcher would have worn to sing ‘Hitler Only Had One Ball’ on Tock Tick,” an insider inside the Truss power team told LCD Views. “But right after that and her Instagram drops she’ll read the synopsis of some magical thinking on heating.”

The need to pretend to give a shit over fuel poverty, faced by millions of UK homes this winter, is only growing.

“We accept it is vital the next PM distract voters from the blistering scale of unexpected profits being made by the energy companies,” the insider admitted. “It won’t be much of a honeymoon for PM Truss if people are using burning pitchforks to chase her out of 10 Downing Street and not to heat their homes.”

How to deal with the crisis is one that the outgoing Prime Minister Mr Johnson has shown little interest in.

“That’s only reasonable,” our source confirms. “Are you going to be worrying about whether or not some dreary, work shy peasants are going to die of cold this winter when you’re having it large in the Adriatic to show your traitorous MPs what you think of them and the mess you’re leaving behind?”

But there is one lifeline Ms Truss is likely to grab hold of.

“Brits have faced winter blackouts and frozen to death in the past,” the Truss insider shrugs. “Blitz Spirit got them through before. We’ll just play a little game of it. Energy execs will hoover in cash in a struggle with food retailers for your last penny and while they’re at it PM Truss can implore you to show a little bit of the grit that allowed us to defeat Germany singlehandedly in all the wars ever fought by England.”

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Tory MP says sewage covered beaches “deters illegal asylum seekers”

THE SMELL OF SOVEREIGNTY : The Tory MP for Phistit-Phistitgut Reginald Scat has broken ranks with colleagues to laud the redecoration of England’s once pristine beaches.

While many Cons are expressing disgust at private water companies for doing exactly what they allowed them to do, Scat MP is having none of it.

“It shows how we can boost profits for Blighty’s wealth creators now we’re freed from the shackles of the nanny state EU,” Scat said. ”If we still had ready access to the chemicals we need to clean our waste waters we would not now be blasting our visible sovereignty out of giant pipes along the Sussex coastline. There is no more direct symbol of the throwing off of Brussels than British poo on British beaches.”

Scat, one of the 2019 intake chosen personally by Boris Johnson and Dominic Cummings goes on to suggest ”effluent is biodegradable anyway. All these woke eco warriors are perfectly happy to charge you five pounds for a plastic carrier bag but are up in arms over nature’s best, natural fertiliser washing up inshore? There’s a stink of hypocrisy in the movement.”

But sovereignty doesn’t stop with a liberal regulatory approach to waste water.

“Just take a moment to imagine the look on the faces of French fishermen seeking to rob our territorial waters of British fish! They’ll be thinking twice now. And the illegal people who try to reach our shores will be turning back at the first retch of sovereign water.”

Scat is certain to have sympathisers within his party for his views as most are holidaying this year in the Adriatic.

“The only British turd in view there is Boris Johnson. Which is nice. No one need feel homesick with him bobbing about near to shore.”