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We should simply let the country run itself, says cabinet minister

LET IT GO: Leave it alone, let it be, just walk away now. There is simply nothing more that needs to be done. Everything is ticking along nicely. 

“We have got everything done,” explained Dick Holder, Minister Without Responsibilities in Rishi Sunak’s cabinet. “We got Brexit done, we got covid done, we got inflation done, we even got the small boats done. There is simply nothing more to do.”

Holder proudly indicated his empty desk, his empty in-tray and his empty head.  He sat back, placed his size 12s undelicately on the table, and lit a large cigar with a complacent flourish. 

“I’m done here, like the rest of the cabinet, as you can see,” he said, stifling a cough. “Therefore we should do nothing. The country will be fine without the need for any more politics. And we really don’t need lefty lawyers or the woke police sticking their noses into everyone else’s business any longer. This is the 21st century, for crying out loud. England should be able to run itself by now.”

Holder pointed out the example of Boris Johnson, who did so much for his country. 

“Boris set the benchmark,” Holder claimed. “Within days of being in office, he bulldozed all the Brexit red tape for good. He declared covid to be over, and lo! it was so. He made us believe in the Greatness of Britain, in the greatness of the British people! And nothing can defeat that faith! Alleluia!”

He dropped cigar ash on his shirt, which was already stained from all the hard work that he hadn’t done. 

This doesn’t alter the facts that the country is sinking into a mire of debt and poverty, that covid is still rampant, or that Brexit negotiations have hit impasse after impasse. 

“Heresy, my dear boy, heresy!” Holder chided. “You must believe harder! Now go and say 12 Hail Margarets. Amen!”

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I’ll fix the economy just as soon as I stop the small boats, promises Rishi Sunak

FOCUS GROUP FOCUS: Migrants in small boats is the UK’s biggest problem. Not the rising costs of, well, everything. Not the shortages. Not the job losses. Focus groups tell Rishi Sunak to concentrate on anything else.

“The technique is tired and tested,” claimed government spokesman Pantson Fyre. “The government can’t, or won’t, solve the problems facing the country. This might be because the problems are too big to fix, but usually it’s because the ideology of making the poor pay for tax cuts for the rich does not permit it. So instead we nominate a scapegoat and send our tame newspapers after it. Foreigners, single mums, women, dole scroungers, the Woke, you name it. The approved list of scapegoats includes all these. But top of the list is poor foreigners seeking asylum by landing here in makeshift dinghies.”

Sunak is caught in a trap of his party’s making. He can’t complain since he helped create the trap, never for an instant realising that he would only trap himself.

The solutions to the country’s woes are many and obvious, Professor Limpley Wristed of Wokeland University explains. “It’s easy!” says the Prof. “Progressive taxation! Redistribute the idle, unused billions from the offshore treasure heaps, use the cash to renationalise the Utilities, fund our public services properly, rejoin the EU, stop wasting money on outsourcing and dividends, and provide a decent bus service instead!”

The newspaper that printed this outrageous outburst was closed down instantly.

The Professor was detained and charged by the Great British Police, now run patriotically by Britain First. Ironically, the Professor was only trying to put Britain first, before the billionaire Tory donors so beloved by the government.

Inevitably, Michael Gove was brought out of hibernation to justify this outrageous behaviour. “Say the line, Michael! Say the line!” Gove sighed. “We have had enough of experts,” he said to rapturous applause.

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Sunak to pass law forcing the three ghosts of Xmas to warn him to tax the poor more

GOT TO PICK A POCKET OR TWO : The UK’s outgoing Prime Minister, Rishi “I have no working class friends” Sunak, is not taking Christmas lying down.

“It’s been a tradition since 2010 for the ghosts of past, present and future to visit the prime minister at Christmas,” a 10 Downing Street spokesman told LCD Views. “You just have to look about you to see what they achieve. All those dire warnings of loneliness and oblivion? All we can say is if the Christmas ghosts don’t like what Tory PMs are doing they should stop giving them policy ideas.”

While calmer heads have suggested the three ghosts should be privatised, to improve productivity, Mr Sunak is minded to take things further.

”He’s going to provide the ghosts with proper guidance,” the spokesman explains. “Rather than have them turn up clearly infected with some mind virus, they will now be forced by law to embody proper Great British conservative values.”

It’s believed this will mostly be centred on how best to position the hardworking British voter for the future.

”The ghost of Christmas past will warn Mr Sunak that he hasn’t redistributed wealth from the poor to the wealthy enough. He should be bloody ashamed of himself.”

Just so.

”The ghost of Christmas present will admonish the PM by showing him lower income families still just about capable of scrapping together a Christmas meal for their kids.”

And the ghost of Christmas future?

”How terrible everything will be for the UK if Sunak doesn’t continue his slide into full blown fascism. There’s a risk that obscenely wealthy individuals may end up paying tax!”

A vision of the future no Tory PM could sleep through.

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“Stop The Votes!” – Downing Street reveals slogan to sell cancelling next GE

THREE WORD WISDOMS : Downing Street has been on the back foot in the polling for months now, with many speculating that the dire polling will lead to world beating PM Rishi Sunak delaying the next GE as long as passible.

”It’s about focusing on the people’s priorities,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “No one wants to risk missing a GP appointment they’ve waited months for just to vote. Under our FPTP system most of the votes are a waste of time anyway. Never mind the fact that if you forget your ID you won’t be able to vote, and you’ve missed the GP! We’re just trying to look after the hardworking British taxpayer.”

The slogan is certainly memorable and follows on from such wonders of government as “Get Brexit Done” and “Stop The Boats”.

But while rent a gobshites at the Telegraph and Spectator are sure to pen endless articles telling people that voting has had its day, not everyone is convinced.

”Are slogans a system of government,” one random man told LCD Views, “or just a convenient distraction away from the fact that the only thing they ever seem to achieve is personal enrichment off our hard work?”

He’s clearly a lunatic, so we won’t be talking to him again.

”Stop The Votes is Churchillian,” the Downing Street spokesman continues. “GE’s were not held during WW2. Churchill’s government focused on the people’s priorities then too. Stop the boats was exactly what it was all about. Then it was U-Boats. Now it’s rubber dinghies containing former British Army interpreters we chose to abandon to the Taliban. The same thing.”

It’s not entirely clear what parliament, the courts or the King will think about the decision to cancel the next GE. But then, all sorts of batshit fascist stuff has been happening at an accelerating rate for years and no-one has really bothered to step in. So potentially it’ll just be business as usual in Brexitannia…

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Sunak reveals himself looking for answers to the UK’s problems

DAY IN AND DAY OUT : THE UK’S OUTGOING PRIME MINISTER, RISHI “THE HAMMER” SUNAK, HAS RELEASED TOUCHING, PERSONAL PHOTOS OF HOW HE WORKS ON THE UK’S BIGGEST PROBLEMS.

The photos are all in a classy black and white, chosen not only for the artistic panache that brings, but to symbolise the old world ideas to class and international relations his government engenders.

“We wanted the Great British public to see Rishi how he works,” a 10 Downing Street spokesman told LCD Views. “We want people to see the authentic Sunak, not the vulture capitalist that it’s too easy to mistake him for. Your priorities are his priorities. Most notably, your bank account.”

The series of images do display an impressive athletic side to the pint sized dynamo PM that many would not have suspected.

“It’s not all just trying to work out how to be meaner to vulnerable groups to please Daily Mail gobshites,” the spokesman informs, “it’s not just about imagining what does Nigel Farage really want? And then making it policy without any care for the unintended, and often intended, consequences. No, a lot of time is spent quietly contemplating what’s inside the man himself and how that could be used as inspiration for governance.”

Early views of the photos do seem to have raised an appreciative eyebrow or two.

“I thought here he was, Dishy, just emulating the cackhanded efforts of the other Tory PMs since 2010. You know, telling the electorate you’re going to be cruel and then setting about doing it, while personally enriching yourself. But it seems there is more to it,” one voter commented, “he’s not just a man of metaphor old Fishy, when people say he’s got his head up his arse, they actually mean it!”

The PM’s posture is, without any doubt, not only a classic Tory power stance, but the explanation for all of the UK’s problems. Just good luck if you’re waiting on him for any answers.

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BREAKING : PM to outlaw poor people owning gold

MEANS TESTED MEANIE : THE UK’S WORLD BEATING PM, Rishi “The Hammer” Sunak, is not known for thinking long and hard about how to boost his dire polling. It comes as no surprise that his latest idea is as batshit crazy as his prized Rwanda scheme.

“People will say the Gold Law is just another dead cat,” a spokesman for 10 Downing Street told LCD Views, “but there’s no table big enough to handle all the murdered felines we’re flinging about. No. We actually think banning people with insufficient personal wealth from owning gold will give us the polling boost we need to call a GE.”

Quite how well the ban on gold will go down with the Great British public isn’t clear, as the idea has been dreamt up by the eyewateringly wealthy team in 10 Downing Street who can’t even use a debit card.

“It’s an aspirational change to the way the country is governed,” the spokesman adds. “If you want to wear a gold wedding band then you have to improve your station. What’s wrong with that? The Rwanda scheme has shown we’re tough on asylum seeking if not the causes of it, raising taxes while saying we’re doing the opposite demonstrates we’re a traditional Con government, so why not have a fiddle about with wearable signs of status?”

It’s not yet clear what stance Labour will take on the new Gold Law though. Some suspect they’ll just agree with 10 Downing Street, because that’s what they do on any hair brained wheeze which comes out of it.

“It’s good they agree with the government,” a pollster commented, “it shows they understand that to win you have to be popular, not principled. You start confusing the voting public with headline policies based in provable reality you just feed Farage and his kind.”

How much people will be compensated for their gold is yet to be determined. But it’s expected most will just hand it over for the good of the country.

“Anyone caught eating their wedding band in an attempt to hide it won’t be facing goal time,” Downing Street advised, “because there’s not enough spaces. But you will be expected to spend the weekend with Lee Anderson and Suella Braverman. That should do it. And if you eat a lot of gold then you’ll have to listen to Liz Truss in person for a week.”

Full compliance is expected.

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Sunak denies sending second best body double to COP28

IF HIS LIPS ARE MOVING : WORLD LEADING GREAT BRITISH PRIME MINISTER, and part time politician, Rishi “The Hammer” Sunak, has allegedly denied fresh claims he did not attend COP28 in person.

Rumours the UK Prime Minister was not personally at the COP28 summit appear to have begun after a Politico journalist noted he spent such a trivial amount of time there if was like he didn’t even show up at all.

“It’s nonsense,” a 10 Downing Street spokesman told LCD Views, “the prime minister definitely seemed to be there. At least as long as it takes to get a few photos for social media. I mean, there was a peevish looking guy that looked like Sunak. Didn’t you see him? Pursed lips? Standing on his tippy toes? If you’re not careful we’ll pass a law saying it’s illegal to question whether or not he was there.”

The response from the Palace, we mean 10 Downing Street, will not satisfy all of Mr Sunak’s detractors though, as an AI generated image of an absence at the summit only ever showed Mr Sunak dancing on a burning rainforest, in spite of how many times the image was generated.

“Look, you really don’t understand how Global Britain is governed,” a supporter of the PM commented, “how long does it take to meet representatives of the fossil fuel industry in back corridors? Bugger all time, that’s how long. Just long enough to shake hands and laugh over the expansion of fossil fuels in the UK. Then it’s back on the jet and home to ensure no one has found Rishi’s mobile phone and handed it over to the Covid Inquiry.”

Other voices have suggested that even criticising the PM’s green cred on risks new laws carrying lengthy goal time.

“Be grateful we didn’t send 30p Lee to represent the UK,” 10 Downing Street added. “Or Boris Johnson, or Liz Truss, or Matt Hancock, or Oliver Dowden, or Jeremy Hunt, or Grant Shapps, or Lord Cameron. Oh.”

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Boris Johnson challenges Greek PM to a game of Elgin Marbles

LOSING YOUR MARBLES: Former Prone Monster Boris Johnsons has given his view on the row over the Elgin Marbles. In his usual diplomatic way, he has offered them in a game of winner takes all.

“If the Greek PM wants the Marbles, he’s going to have to bally well win the buggers back!” blustered Johnson in his usual measured manner. “He can come over here and we will have a jolly good game of Elgin Marbles! I was World Champion Chief Marbles Wrangler in my lower fourth days, I’ll have you know, yes indeed, erm, well, they called me Quod Effat Demon-Stacker, when I wasn’t winning at wiff-waff!”

The office of the Greek PM has issued a statement in response. “Mr Mitsotakis will not be taking up Mr Johnson’s challenge,” it reads. “We Greeks prefer to negotiate like adults, not indulge in playground competitions. However, we feel duty bound to point out that Mr Mitsotakis is an expert in the ancient art of playing marbles, so Mr Johnson can stick his infantile challenge up his great fat…”

The remainder of the statement was redacted.

The current incumbent at Number Ten was, allegedly, sanguine. “Nobody in the current administration thinks that Mr Johnson has any part to play in the current state of affairs,” said a spokeswonk. “Mr Sunak is desperate to hold on to his tenure for as long as possible, so he doesn’t want to risk being involved with Mr Johnson any more. Mr Sunak believes that Mr Johnson is being childish for the attention, and wishes to remind him that we won, you lost, so suck it up, loser-boy, get over it, and yar boo sucks!”

We can learn a lot about history from old statues. The Marbles were hacked away from their original location, subjected to rough transit, Victorian pollution, and clumsy attempts to launder them. It’s how Britain became Great.

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BREAKING : Germany demands return of British Royal Family

SAX-COBURG WHAT NOW : Fresh from seeing off the attempted theft of stolen artefacts by Greece, Britain’s smallest PM, Rishi Sunak, now has to fight the Germans. Again.

The new struggle is centred again on a collection of seemingly inanimate objects, with the emotional warmth of marble, who seem to just take up space better used for other things, and cost the British public money solely to generate endless arguments among the broader population.

”The British Royal Family may be largely derived from foreign sources, but that isn’t the point, we’ve had them for centuries and we intend to keep hold of them,” a 10 Downing Street spokesman told LCD Views. “If the Germans want them so badly they might like to reflect upon how well we’ve looked after them? What happened to their last royal family?”

But while this latest furore is certain to overwhelm Mr Sunak, who has yet to meet a problem he can see his way over, he is receiving support from an unexpected quarter.

”Boris Johnson has written in the Mail that he has the solution. He’s offered to make both problems go away. For the Greeks he is offering to make a new, better Elgin Marbles out of empty wine crates. For the Germans he’s offered to go and live there if they call him Kaiser Al. Rishi would be mad not to take him up on both offers,” our royal correspondent notes.

The likelihood of Mr Sunak seizing on Mr Johnson’s offer isn’t great though, as he “already has one former PM in the house running the government for him, while pretending to be Foreign Secretary. Imagine how pointless he’d look if he employed another?”

Still, the answer is likely to come from the Palace itself, with rumours suggesting none other than King Charles III himself said to be minded to “send his cousins on the Continent Prince Harry. Long to reign over them. When he’s not asking Netflix to make a show about how he wants to be left alone.”

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BREAKING : Sunak offers Greek PM meeting if he makes “sizeable” donation to Tory Party

YOU’VE LOST YOUR MARBLES MATE : GLOBAL BRITAIN’S world beating Prime Minister, Rishi “The Hammer” Sunak has reportedly denied claims he is unwilling to meet Greek Prime Minister Mitsotakis and said “there are always conditions to be met before meetings between heads of state.”

Quite how the Greek PM failed to understand this routine fact of international relations is anyone’s guess, but 10 Downing Street has allegedly stressed it has communicated with the Greeks and it’s likely that a meeting will now take place “after Mr Sunak’s afternoon nap and nappy change. But not to bring anything with too much sugar in it if they want Mr Sunak to sit still and concentrate”.

“The PM isn’t bothered about currency,” a 10 Downing Street spokesman is said to have said, “we’ve an election to fight. What’s important is to fill the coffers of the Tory Party.”

When pressed what they meant by that the spokesman shuffled some papers before shrugging and elaborating.

“Okay, Mitsotakis isn’t a US private health provider, he isn’t a dodgy developer, he isn’t a roaming international kleptocrat looking to establish a charter city within the UK, but that doesn’t mean he can’t stump up some money for a meeting. He just needs to make a sizeable donation to the Conservative Party’s war chest and then he’s in the door by morning tea.”

It’s not clear whether or not the Greek PM will be prepared to donate in order to meet Mr Sunak.

“Then it just shows what novices they are,” the spokesman added, “pay to play, that’s how we play in Global UK.”

It is understood though, that even if the Greek PM does donate in order to meet with Mr Sunak, there is one topic that will not be up for discussion.

“Don’t even bother bringing up the Marbles. Stop the Boats is starting to get a little thin, so we need something else to get the raging xenophobes in our base red faced over or they won’t come out to vote.”