LCD Views

TRANSIT INTRANSIGENCE: All out problems could be over, if only the EU would fall into line with England and the English Empire, claims Jacob Rees-Mogg. Their pettifogging insistence on imposing their silly little foreign rules is causing hold-ups to Great British Commerce. It is also costing huge amounts of money that could be more usefully diverted into the war chests of England’s feudal overlords.

The English Empire is vast and all-powerful. It consists of the Square Mile in London, selected smart London districts such as Park Lane and Mayfair. It incorporates the many pockets of English Acreage held by the Landed Gentry, whose ancestors stole it from the native Britons in 1066. Just over the Border, the Empire includes the Vassal States of Scotland, Wales, and Northern Ireland. Logic dictates that the remainder of Ireland is de facto part of the Empire. Beyond these fine green swathes lie the Sceptic Isles of Gibraltar, Malta, Atlantis, and the Falklands, all of which had the good sense to split from mainland Europe long ago.

It makes perfect sense that the EU should bow down and pay homage in the face of such might.

“The continued intransigence of the EU is costing them dear,” said Rees-Mogg in his familiar 19th century accent. “Their refusal to accept the superiority of England, our England, prevents them from basking in English Sovereignty. They cannot share our fish, our sparkling clean waters, our cheap food, or our low-price energy. Do they not know that Britannia rules the waves? Do they not speak in strange dialects, derived from the Mother Tongue, which they use to denigrate their superiors?”

Ultimately, there is only one solution: the Final Solution.

“We must make them bow down,” said Rees-Mogg. “There can be no dissent. We will fight them on the beaches, lay down our towels, and make sure every European town sells weak fizzy lager and fish & chips. There is no alternative!”

CLUCKING MAD : It’s not hard to trace the downfall of a once great empire, and no, we are not talking about our mad prodigal son The (so called) United States of America.

Sadly we are talking about a peoples whose mighty ancestors turned the map a joyous pink for centuries, and taught savage foreigners everything worth knowing. From the value of the well educated clerk in good governance, and the railway. Today foreginers still continue with these vital facets of rule but fail to give credit where it’s due. Just look at the European attitude to Barry and Barb from Southgate attempting to bring a little cheer to the dreariness of the Costa del Sol!

To pinpoint where it all started going wrong for Mighty Britannia one simply has to look at the first battle won by the Woke mob. If you think they started screeching their naive concept of “Just stop treating people you don’t know like pricks” in the last decade is to ignore how long the damp rot has been rising in our foundations.

The chicken. That great British bird the Romans once invaded our noble shores to secure, this was the first place the enemies of the people on the inside struck.

It’s a simple and logical assessment. When hens were kept in tiny cages and given total licence to do what they do naturally, produce pale yokes and thin shells by the masses, Britain was a powerhouse. But once our nation’s once sensible poulterers were tricked into letting them run wild in the pasture doing sod all but wait for handouts the downfall was certain. Soon childbirth rates were plummeting and coal, that great fuel that powered our homes, was scorned in favour of foreign renewables.

Suez. Leyland. The virtual extinction of the bowler hat. And so much else besides followed.

Only when we get those little feathered servants back in the chicken wire cages and build the modern factories Britain needs to be once again be a world leading exporter of whatever, only then will we be able to hold our heads high and cry “Who rules the waves?”.

A purely rhetorical question.

RACE TO THE BOTTOM : Exciting news for fans of iconic Great British sporting contests today with the announcement that the 2024 Oxford Cambridge boat race, aka The Boat Race, will still go ahead, in spite of The Thames now being a heaving pit of sewage swill that would make a Victorian blush.

There had been concerns that the race would be postponed until sometime after the Tories leave office, mostly because of the guarantee of numerous future Prime Ministers catching E. coli poisoning if any of the Oxbridge competitors actually came into physical contact with The Thames. But sanity has prevailed.

“The UK is a world leader in communication technology,” a spokesman claiming to talk for the organisers told LCD Views, “ever since the invention of the first punt we’ve shown the world how to accelerate the transfer of vital information. Post-Brexit Britain is continuing in that vein.”

It seems Zoom will take part in The Boat Race for the first time, at the insistence of 10 Downing Street.

“No one wants to give the wokerati remoaning contingent the pleasure of cancelling such a famous British tradition just because the post-Brexit freedom to choose how much raw shit we fill our waterways with has led to it being an epic and life threatening amount of shit,” the spokesman continued. “So we’ve decided to have both teams take their canoes home and row in their living rooms. The competitors will be able to see each other over a Zoom call link. That way the healthy spirit of competition will be alive and swimming. A judging panel will decide whether Oxford or Cambridge mimes rowing the hardest and the winner chosen accordingly.”

For the first time too the event will have corporate sponsorship with Thames Water understood to be providing the funding for the Zoom call.

“It’s our way of giving something back to the community in exchange for all the billions we’ve siphoned off in dividends,” Thames Water said, “well, apart from gastrointestinal complaints and dead fish.”