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Sunak to remind EU fruit and veg suppliers they “Need us more than we need them”

GREAT BRITISH RATIONS : The UK’s world beating Prime Minister, Rishi Sunak, is expected to easily resolve the Great British fresh food crisis, just as soon as he learns about it.

“The PM has a lot on his to-do list,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views, “what with the mess the last Labour government left the British fresh produce sector in. But I can reassure the public just as soon as whoever does his grocery shopping sees an empty basket in the Harrods fresh produce section, he will be alerted, and he will take action.”

What form the action will take is yet to be determined because the PM is yet to recognise the problem, but the smart money is on a combination of a “hi-vis walkabout in a polytunnel, while a Spitfire flies overhead and with a lot of meaningful pointing at where tomorrow’s tomatoes will be.”

In the interim the public is advised not to “riot at Aldi” and to sing any song “by Elgar”.

But Sunak may not have the luxury of time as Labour are calling on the government to “march right into Brussels” and “make Brexit work”, just like they would, clearly, “because it’s not a populist fraud” and definitely something everyone should still keep agreeing with was a democratic decision, in spite of the reluctance of the government to make public knowledge or foreign interference.

“I don’t know why everyone is in such a lather over tomatoes,” the spokesman added. “They’re a foreign fruit and we don’t like anything foreign anymore, except for confidential loans from friends overseas. This crisis will soon be followed by another, so why is everyone getting so worked up about it? Save your energy for the next crisis.”

In the mean time LCD Views urges the PM to immediately phone Brussels and remind them that “their fresh fruit and veg growers need us more than we need them!”.

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Claims Tory Party chatbot is self-aware laughed at

BLATHER BOT : The Conservative Party is on the defensive today, and not for underpaying nurses so severely many are forced to rely on charity to avoid starving to death.

The latest problem concerns their recently released AI chat bot. The Party has claimed it is both self-aware and sentient, but anyone encountering any of its blathering rants has dismissed this as plainly barking mad. In fact, the LA1984, doesn’t respond to any inputs or show any perceptible ability to learn anything at all.

“It does distract attention from Russian money in our party coffers though,” a Tory HQ spokesman told LCD Views. “Which was distracting attention away from the catastrophic damage austerity has done to our social fabric. Which was distracting attention from the lies we told to get our Brexit fever dream realised, which was distracting from the crime scene we turned the pandemic into, which was distracting from the fact that everything we’ve touched since returning to power has degraded to the point of being a global embarrassment.”

The spokesman paused for a moment and a spinning colour wheel appeared momentarily in their irises, before they continued.

“We really understand how to run a country, and an economy, just look at the fresh road markings in your area, the lack of trash on our streets, the fact you don’t have to wait weeks to get a GP appointment.”

Another pause as their face went blue, before colour returned.

“Oh, and the people we expect to do unpaid social work don’t have to wait so long for knee and hip replacements they need the unpaid social care themselves. Which they can give themselves. So that’s a virtuous circle right there, and one we couldn’t have achieved if we hadn’t done Brexit.”

But what are you going to do about the chat bot MP? On its first public test it was discovered fabricating an encounter with a voter, and should arguably have been switched off right there.

“Well its daily rantings distract from the sewage in our waters. Which distract from the fact we are allowing energy companies to profiteer off a war and make you all so poor. And its completely safe from being reprogrammed by input from the public, as its code is incredibly dense.”

The interview was terminated there when it became obvious we were talking to another Tory chatbot that was also incapable of self-awareness, or intelligent discourse.

What the party intends to do about their Lee Anderson chatbot is unclear though. He does push the boat out for the death penalty crowd, and once the country is fully sovereign in terms of human rights, that’ll be a whole new field to excel in. Just like Brexit.

It seems the wait for intelligence in the government will be a long one, and its likely some internet search engine will become self-aware first.

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To avoid having to comply with the EHCR, Tories set to redefine what it is to be human

TO BE HUMAN, OR NOT TO BE HUMAN, THAT IS THE QUESTION, whether ‘tis nobler in government to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous wokery. The Bard may not have been thinking of human rights when he put those famous words into Hamlet’s mouth, but his hero’s pains are a direct parallel to the dilemma faced by Rishi Sunak’s administration.

Sunak’s problem is not rationalising his own life and death, but that of others. Sunak is the bigger man here, thinking outside his own echo chamber (although there must be a brain in there somewhere). His problem is a small number of refugees, about whom a disproportionate amount of noise emanates from the rightest of his own right whingers.

His is a government of least resistance. The easiest path is always taken, the less planning (and therefore the less money spent) the better. Unfortunately, in the case of refugees the line is Send ‘Em Home. More unfortunately, these individuals are assigned human rights, which means that Sending ‘Em Home is illegal. 

This is a shame, say the Headbangers, since removing their rights would facilitate the process. So what can be done?

What are the options? Withdrawing from the EHCR is one easy option. But but but. The UK’s reputation is already thoroughly diminished through Brexit. This must never, ever, be acknowledged, of course, but adding another reason to damage the UK internationally is unthinkable to all except the most highly crazed fantasists.

The other option is to redefine humanity. This is attractive because Sunak’s government may set its own parameters to suit itself. And, thanks to our Great British Brexit, Brussels is no longer permitted to meddle in British affairs.

What will these parameters be? Nobody, alas, wanted to go on the record. Nigel Farage definitely didn’t remark that coloured skin is one condition that precludes humanity. Suella Braverman is not on record as saying that anyone who had ever been in a safe country is not British, and therefore not human. Neither did she say that the UK is not a safe country. Grant Shapps did not accidentally disclose that anyone worth less than a million pounds will not be regarded as being human. Boris Johnson definitely said “Yes, no, yes, erm, wiff waff, I’m, erm, yes, no, erm, making a return to frontline politics, whatever that means, tempus fugit, ooo champers, here’s my fridge!”, but nobody really thought that he meant it.

It’s time to rejoin the Animal Kingdom. Except that animals now have rights too… Is there no end to the Wokery of the world?

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PM to force all students to study maths till 18 to solve problem of NHS waiting lists

MORE MONEY THAN SENSE : GREAT BRITAIN’S first Prime Minister for 2023, Rishi “Richie Rich” Sunak, has come up with a world beating plan to tackle the ramped up NHS waiting lists, and pretend the NHS isn’t in total collapse.

While woke, lefty, snowflake, yoghurt knitting idiots point to years of wrongheaded reorganisation, done to splinter the NHS and make it vulnerable to profiteering vulture capitalists, underfunding, disincentivising the workforce, negative immigration policies, running the pandemic like a public cash for Tory donor takeaway service, and a broader ecosystem of human hating economic policies, which pile extra burden on the health service, Sunak knows the real problem is some teenagers don’t study enough maths.

“Maths is like a sentence and some students aren’t serving their sentences long enough,” a 10 Downing genius tells LCD Views, while pointing to the above paragraph as an ideal sentence length. “And just think of the advantages of boosting a fantasy policy to capture a day’s headlines? That’s one day everyone isn’t focusing on the lethal mismanagement of the NHS from central government. That’s canny politics.”

Supporters of the plan to make kids study calculus at eighteen, regardless of the fact they may have no inclination or gift for it, and could profitably be doing something else, say the plan has innumerable benefits.

“It’s not just distracting the news cycle for a day from the collapse of the NHS,” one Tory brain box screams, blood surging through his veins, “it also distracts from the fact we’ve catastrophically mismanaged the economy since 2010, worsened the Channel crossing problem, trashed the UK’s international reputation with Brexit, deeply harmed our food security, overseen an energy price crisis like another golden profiteering opportunity for chums, have zero empathy for anyone not born with a silver spoon up their jacksie and so can’t understand why hungry people are striking, and so much more.”

Although critics point out, you don’t have to be a genius at maths to count the ways the Tories have harmed the UK, you just have to live here for a day. We can all stand outside and clap to that.

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Downing Street denies high domestic energy costs are part of plan to end working from home

DOWN WITH THE ANTI GROWTH COALITION: Downing Street has denied that the cost of living crisis is part of a plan to end working from home. In unrelated news, commercial offices are being ‘discouraged’ from acting as warm spaces.

Unfortunately, the scattergun approach to joined up policy is not helping the Government to operate this non-policy. Home workers cannot get to the office, because councils are being forced to cut costs by not gritting the roads. The price of petrol is simply ridiculous, and public transport is unreliable, thanks to the greedy Woke Lefty train drivers selfishly going on strike because they can’t afford to get to work on the exorbitantly priced trains either.

Government spokeswonk Costa Lott denied everything. “There’s no big plan,” she said, confirming what we all suspected. “The problems are everything to do with international markets, greedy nurses, Putin’s Illegal War, small boat people, Meghan Markle, and Jeremy Clarkson – I mean, Corbyn. There’s nothing we can do about these external factors, so you can stuff your conspiracy theories where the Sun don’t shine!”

However, LCD Views has seen a document, headed “Top Secret! Do NOT leak! Not even a little bit!”. This document, signed off by the Cabinet, details the entire strategy. In essence, the plan (such as it is) is to make homes intolerably expensive to run, so that employees choose to spend 24 hours a day at the office (and rent space for a sleeping bag on the floor). This was accidentally circulated by Suella Braverman to everyone in her ‘Family & Fiends’ whatsapp group, under the heading of ‘Our latest plan to stuff the plebs! LOLZ!’

“I don’t recognise that document,” said a visibly worried Costa Lott. “Nor any of the names. Fake news!” She turned white and fled for her life.

Damned if you do, damned if you don’t. A blunt weapon wielded by blunt weapons. At least we don’t have a Labour government.

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I want to earn my forgiveness for being a useless Health Secretary by going on a tawdry TV show when I should be at work, says Matt Hancock

WHEN DYSLEXIA MEANS DAILY SEX: Illiterate handsy ex minister Matt Hancock is pleading for forgiveness for his sins. Obviously, opting to skive off work, fly to Australia, and submit himself to perform humiliating tasks for our entertainment, is bound to make us sympathetic.

His parliamentary colleagues are lining up to support him, in the only way they know how. By ganging up on him, and block voting for Hancock to perform the most degrading challenges. Kicking him when he’s down. From Hancock to kangaroo cock. 

Naturally, the rest of us will be jeering him on. While Hancock may genuinely believe that he will find redemption, the smart money says not. It’s not hard to think of ways that Hancock could display his sorrow, how he could redeem himself, or gain grudging acceptance. But deserting his post (for a large sum of money) and shedding crocodile tears is not one of them. 

It’s a jungle out there. As usual, Hancock has tried to read the room. Unfortunately, his devotion to dyslexia means that he got it all horribly wrong. His chosen public penance of ingesting inappropriate foods while being harangued by a camp 80s pop star will not earn him any respect. Ask his predecessor, Nadine Dorries. 

The only rumble in the jungle is likely to be from Hancock’s stomach, as it attempts to digest the indigestible. A bit like his adoring public. 

Jungles are full of snakes and creepy crawlies. Hancock is crawling, or so he reckons, and is definitely creepy. So that’s a solid three out of three there. 

At least there is one final chance of redemption. Should Boris Johnson ever wangle his way back in to Number Ten, Hancock can look forward to a Lordship, which is the traditional reward for making an arse of yourself in public. 

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Bank of England raises interest rates rather than admit UK is governed by idiots

TWELVE YEARS AND COUNTING THE COST : The Old Lady of Threadneedle Street has done her part again today to ensure strong and stable government by raising interest rates to 3%.

“While it’s clear a graduated return to more historically normal interest rates would be smarter,” a fictional Bank spokesman told LCD Views, “we prefer to place millions of mortgage holders in front of the fire and watch them sweat.”

The stated reason for the interest rate rise is an attempt to get a grip on the UK’s world leading inflation.

“People are engaging in a truly reckless credit splurge,” the spokesman said. “They’re spending on food, heating, transport and the like. Some are even buying their children clothes on credit. It’s incredibly irresponsible and we have to step in.”

The other reasons given are the Pandemic and the War. It’s obvious these are unhelpful, allied to the Chinese closure of its economy so the President there can enjoy moving over a billion people around like tiny pieces on his giant chessboard.

“There is of course one UK specific factor that is an accelerant on our inflation rates and assisting in slamming us into a very long recession.”

Which is?

“I’m not allowed to mention it.”

Go on.

“I can’t. It’s forbidden. Just head over to the BBC and read an article on the economy. You won’t find any mention of it.”

Why can’t you mention what you won’t mention?

“Because to do so would be to mention the massive scat cherry on top of a giant scat layer cake which is twelve years of bad policy choices.”

Can you give us a hint?

“You know which idiots have been in charge.”

No. I know that. I mean what is the massive scat cherry on top of twelve years of terrible Tory policies?

“You say it and I’ll blink once for yes and two for no.”

Brexit.

Blink and you’ll miss it. In compliant UK media articles and the political establishment. You can’t miss it in your household expenses.

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OUTRAGE after English Channel renamed “English Chanel” on updated EU maps

THE TANGY SMELL OF SOVEREIGNTY : FURY IN 10 DOWNING STREET today after the TYRANNICAL EUROCRATS IN BRUSSELS took aim at ONE OF BRITAIN’S GREATEST ACHIEVEMENTS.

The latest stink rising over relations between the SOVEREIGN UNITED KINGDOM and the FAILING, UNDEMOCRATIC SUPERSTATE is wafting up from an update to EU navigational maps.

“It just shows how they’ve still not resigned themselves to the British peoples’ democratic decision following the advice of a criminally corrupted, advisory referendum to make Nigel Farage’s fever dream reality,” a 10 Downing Street spokesman told LCD Views.

“Things will never improve for the European Union until they accept that we have left and bought ourselves a sports car. It’s just embarrassing how they follow around after us in that beaten up old station wagon with the kids screaming in the back. Have some self-respect.”

But responding to the even handed and self controlled criticism from the INVENTOR OF DEMOCRACY the EU were typically peevish.

“As far as we can discern you’ve used your sovereignty to fill the seas around your country with raw sewage. That’s the sum total of your achievements? Frankly it stinks. A little perfume centred joke on our part is the least of your concerns. Not to mention your attitude to refugees, which frankly stinks too, and that’s an understatement.”

It’s unclear yet what measures Downing Street will take over the latest cynical OUTRAGE from the Continent, but it’s believed the Home Office is drawing up plans to extend British sewage pipes all the way to France.

“That will show them who is boss,” the Downing Street spokesman chuckled, “when Nigel Farage moves his portaloo from our beaches onto the ones at Calais the EU will really know what they’ve lost.”

In the interim however the government will require mapmakers in the UK to update their charts to reflect the latest RED TAPE FROM BRUSSELS.

“English Chanel is like English Champagne,” the spokesman added, “who needs Europe?”

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British man becomes overnight multi-millionaire after inventing the “BROCHIE!”

HIP BROTHER HIP : SOUTH LONDON is always on the map of stylish innovations for the men of today, and yesterday. From bear baiting circuses in the 16th Century, which made puffy trousers and pantyhose for men a must for any bloodsport crowd, to the pirate eye patch craze of the 1700’s, and all the way to the top knot of today. Now the epicentre of global cool has another notch in its Edwardian oak twist bedpost.

The reason for the latest rush of blood to the head is the BROCHIE!

The Brochie is a “beard scrunchie” – A new way for trendy, hirsute hipsters to style their beards. Or as the inventor of the Brochie, Carnival McKenzoo, explains “to fit a Brochie properly requires an experienced pair of hands”.

LCD Views visited Carnival at his West Bermondsey salon, Douching Dudes, to learn more.

For the interview Carnival’s PA, Collop – a retired circus performer who joined Douching Dudes when he became afraid of heights – seated us in one of the salon’s famous up-cycled 14th Century witch ducking stools. The scratch marks on the arms of the stool imbued it with old world mood and gave us a good idea of what to expect during our own up-styling session.

“I was worried that the beard was once again going out of style,” Carnival told us as we sipped a complimentary decaffeinated, lactose safe, substitute seaweed milk espresso.

And yes, Carnival was wearing one of his latest Brochies. This eye catching Brochie was made from army surplus razor wire wound fetchingly about a garter Carnival claims, “did time in, you know, ahhh, a French brothel before I bought it at an Amsterdam flea market from an unemployed lion tamer while looking for found objects to make my individual, handcrafted Brochies from”.

WOW! But how much does one of these bespoke Brochie’s cost?

“Oh, you know, how much does anything cost?” Carnival replied and then looked intensely serious as he fitted a welder’s glove and stroked his beard. “The gloves are extra man,” he added. “Unless like, your blood don’t flow brother.”

Right on!

But let’s get serious. Where have the millions come from?

“Smegtonic have bought the IP yeah to mass produce a line of identical Brochie’s made from standard scrunchy materials. Yeah. Everyone with a beard can have one. It’s so cool. Hey! Mind the monkey! It’s behind you!”

What? We spun around only to find Collop gigging in a corner on a pile of fresh fifty pound notes. When we looked back Carnival was RIGHT THERE with a Brochie in his hands.

“Made you look man,” he smiled. “Now just grip the arms of the stool yeah, and I’ll fit you right up with a live hand grenade Brochie. You’ll go off with this one. I found the grenade in the snow in Kazakhstan. It took way cool nerves to make the hole through the centre and seal it without you know, blowing up. Just don’t pull out the pin.”

Awesome.

So when will Smegtonic be hitting the stalls with its Brochies for the masses?

“Oh. By Black Friday. Yeah. They just need to raise some more venture capital to pay their manufacturers in Mexico. Right on. But they’ll do it. I trust them. I’ve had the downpayment and I’ve Whatsapp’d over the design. You just wait man. Your babe will know exactly what to get you for Christmas. Peace out.”

But we haven’t finished the interview?

“If the espresso is over so are we. PEACE. OUT. BROCHIE OUT MAN.”

WAY OUT. We left Douching Dudes with the grenade Brochie leading the way. We’ve never felt so primed with style.

*Smegtonic Brochies will retail for £99.99, subject to availability, shipping and exchange rate fluctuations. Advance orders can be made at their website. For one off bespoke Brochies just drop by Douching Dudes and have the “readies ready”. For people without beards artificial beards are required and can be ordered from Smegtonic – Smegtonic bringing venture capital and cool to your beard. Soon.

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Tory Party told “You lost get over it”

REAL POLITICAL PARTIES DON’T LOOK BACK AT EXPLOSIONS : The UK’s governing Conservative and Unionist Party have been given a bit of welcome advice today, as they struggle to deal with the consequences of what they’ve done to themselves.

“You lost get over it!” is being shouted at the Cons by reality, but they’re not in a rush to get the message. In fact, they’re in a death roll with reality with many believing if they can just hold off a GE for long enough it will all come good.

“We can still come through,” a party member told LCD Views, as they warmed their hands over the bin fire that their Party now is. “Stand back a bit. You don’t want to get burned. Why are those opposition MPs coming over here with marshmallows on sticks?”

Happily for the beleaguered Tories they can see the problem.

“It’s our habit of choosing idiots to lead us,” the member admitted, “although we can’t just go and change the latest idiot for another again, as that will be like admitting we elected an idiot. I guess we’re all stuck with things as they are. If we just keep our heads down everything will magically get better.”

It’s true the Party is not completely without hope.

“We’ve got Hunt running the show now. You know him? Newsreaders can’t pronounce his name. Everyone is speculating that he’s been playing a long game to run the party. He waited out Johnson and now he’s back. And now he’s effectively in control. PM in all but name. That’s really clever.”

Intentional or not, how clever it is to take over the helm just as the entire ship of state has capsized and is rapidly sinking is a question for others to wonder over. We think it just underscores that he is also an idiot.

“We just have to believe in magic and it will be alright. We believed in magic with austerity and then with Brexit. We can believe in magic with Truss now. In a fight between reality and magic I know which side I’m on.”

The losing side. Oh well. Never mind.