FOCUS GROUP FOCUS: Migrants in small boats is the UK’s biggest problem. Not the rising costs of, well, everything. Not the shortages. Not the job losses. Focus groups tell Rishi Sunak to concentrate on anything else.
“The technique is tired and tested,” claimed government spokesman Pantson Fyre. “The government can’t, or won’t, solve the problems facing the country. This might be because the problems are too big to fix, but usually it’s because the ideology of making the poor pay for tax cuts for the rich does not permit it. So instead we nominate a scapegoat and send our tame newspapers after it. Foreigners, single mums, women, dole scroungers, the Woke, you name it. The approved list of scapegoats includes all these. But top of the list is poor foreigners seeking asylum by landing here in makeshift dinghies.”
Sunak is caught in a trap of his party’s making. He can’t complain since he helped create the trap, never for an instant realising that he would only trap himself.
The solutions to the country’s woes are many and obvious, Professor Limpley Wristed of Wokeland University explains. “It’s easy!” says the Prof. “Progressive taxation! Redistribute the idle, unused billions from the offshore treasure heaps, use the cash to renationalise the Utilities, fund our public services properly, rejoin the EU, stop wasting money on outsourcing and dividends, and provide a decent bus service instead!”
The newspaper that printed this outrageous outburst was closed down instantly.
The Professor was detained and charged by the Great British Police, now run patriotically by Britain First. Ironically, the Professor was only trying to put Britain first, before the billionaire Tory donors so beloved by the government.
Inevitably, Michael Gove was brought out of hibernation to justify this outrageous behaviour. “Say the line, Michael! Say the line!” Gove sighed. “We have had enough of experts,” he said to rapturous applause.