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BREAKING : Lorry drivers to be allowed to drive while asleep

COUNTING SHEEP WHILE DRIVING : THE UK GOVERNMENT IN ITS WISDOM has decided to wage war against the United Kingdom and to really ram home its advantage it has today moved to make roads and highways less safe.

The new front in the war against the people concerns HGV drivers, and the lack of them. A problem that stems from Brexit and the ending of FOM, was exacerbated by keeping 10,000 of them in a cold and muddy field last Christmas, and made worse if anyone mentions the real reasons.

“We’re tearing up that Brussels red tape,” Transport Minister Grant Shapps, or whatever he is calling himself today, told LCD Views. “From now on if you’re a HGV driver who wants to earn a little extra money in your sleep have at it!”

The overweening regulations that were brought into place to stop exhausted HGV drivers ploughing into other motorists, bridges and buildings have long been held responsible for the UK’s productivity crisis. Not any more. Britannia is unchained!

“It’s another tangible benefit of Brexit,” Michael Green noted, “the hits from Brexit just keep coming, much like an exhausted lorry driver.”

Although some are concerned that the higher risk of accidents will make people feel even less safe, just as the restrictions around face masks are being lifted.

“It will be up to people’s personal responsibility to avoid being smashed into paste by a massive truck,” Corinne Stockheath added, with a shrug. “You know the risk you’re taking when you get on the motorway. It’s why government ministers prefer flying.”

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The only people allowed to protest are those who never protest, says Priti Patel

DEMONSTRATIN’ YOUR LOYALTY: The new Policin’ Bill has clarified the new rules surroundin’ protestin’ in the UK. The only people allowed to protest will be the only ones who never go on a demo ever. 

This is a good thing, insists the Go Home Secretary, Priti Patel. 

“Protests and demonstrations are public gatherin’s of more than zero individuals,” she explained after the launch of the Bill. “This makes them superspreadin’ events, and are illegal under coronavirus rules. Even though we are now legislatin’ covid out of existence.” 

So whenever two or three are gathered in the name of justice… 

“They will be breakin’ the rules!” trilled Patel. “The police will be instructed to remove the protestors, since the very act of protestin’ means they have forfeited their sovereign right to protest!” 

And what will happen to the protestors? 

“They will be thrown into prison!” cried Patel. “I personally will be throwin’ away the key! We will have law and order in this country. Firm but fair!” 

Will you be givin’ the police greater powers? 

“The police will have the policin’ powers to police the streets powerfully,” Patel clarified. “And if this means clappin’ that awful chap with the placards and the megaphone who keeps disturbin’ the peace with his repulsive anti-Brexit caterwaulin’ in irons, so be it!” 

So it really is crackin’ a nut with a sledgehammer. 

“It means we can imprison whoever we like!” screeched Patel in a fit of honesty. “Anyone who looks like they aren’t embracin’ Brexit. Anyone wearin’ a face covering without a Union Jack on. Anyone lookin’ miserable, bringin’ the country to its knees by not smirkin’!” 

Which is why this new rule applies. 

“Protestin’ will only be legal if you aren’t protestin’ and never have done and never will!” she confirmed. “I don’t see anyone arguin’, and even if they did I could arrest them!” 

It’s a Catch-22 situation. Astonishin’ times we live in. 

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Brits urged “think of all the things PM is responsible for” as they take personal responsibility for safety

BIG BANG BORIS : Downing Street is urging all patriotic citizens of this green and viral land to take personal responsibility for their own safety as the big reopening approaches.

The 19th of July has been set as the day all pandemic restrictions are dropped in England in a desperate attempt to get people spending to hide the consequences of Brexit.

I mean, sorry, um, because who could possibly live with a piece of cloth on their face for a few more weeks if it keeps other people safer? That’s not how we got Brexit done! The same disregard of consequence will see the pandemic fast completed on Blighty! Take that world! And with our border policy you can take any vax resistant strains we produce too!

”The innate good sense of the British citizen will see us all stay safe,” a 10 Downing Street spokesman told LCD Views.

“Have you ever turned up at A&E with a cat stuck on your todger after slipping in the shower while operating an analogue calculator, which became inadvertently lodged in your backside at the same time as the cat foolishly raced in front of you, as you slipped on that slab of butter that you’d innocently left in the shower to warm up so you could use it to make short crust pastry? No? Well. There you go. British common sense at its best. We will all be fine. Clearly.”

If you’ve any concerns at all just list for yourself all the things the Prime Minister is personally responsible for?

“And has he suffered a single consequence? No. See. Bulldog spirit at its best!”

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Home Office orders RNLI to float immigrant transport enterprise to sink traffickers

Home Secretary Priti Patel welcomed a startling new initiative suggested by Nigel Farage to not only substantially cut the number of illegal immigrants attempting to cross the channel, but to boost the funds of the much treasured RNLI.

Mr Farage’s idea is reportedly to use the RNLI to transport immigrants from the French coast to the proposed purpose-built reception centres where asylum seekers can put forward their cases before being deported. Currently, the RNLI craft are collecting immigrants from the English Channel when their dinghies capsize and bringing them ashore in Kent, but it has been suggested that the charity could charge immigrants for the full trip to bolster its funds.

A Home Office spokesman said, ‘The beauty of the idea is that the charity will collect much needed funds by undercutting the vile traffickers, thus putting them out of business. This is of course a key plank of the Home Secretary’s humanitarian immigration strategy.’

Asked where the immigrants would be transported to, the spokesman replied, ‘We are looking at a number of options at the moment with redundant oil rigs, out of service container ships, and the Isle of Wight being amongst the front runners. One possibility of course is to offer a package for transport and accommodation, prices being dependent on the quality of the latter. Naturally, all tickets will include a full return service. In due course we should be able to utilise out of season hotels for our Gold class package deals. It shouldn’t be too costly for our customers as it will, of course, be short term. Very short term.’

An RNLI spokesman said, ‘OK, wait, what?’

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“Vote Tory – It could be the last thing you do” – Tories criticised over new overly long slogan

STRONG AND STABLE SLOGANS : HOT on the HEELS of the SEX scandals and ministerial marriage BUST UPS the governing Conservative Party of England has been hit with a furore over its proposed new slogan.

The party of government has slowed its slogan production noticeably since genius, wonder, megabrain Dominic Cummings left Mr Johnson’s employment to pursue his lifelong ambition of winning the “No Shit Sherlock Awards” by revealing nothing that surprises anyone. And it seems the Cons are missing his magic touch when it comes to snappy, brain fogging catchphrases.

“It’s bafflingly long,” a 10 Downing Street insider told LCD Views, “it’s almost like an act of sabotage. How are our supporters going to process all that? It’s a far cry from the genius of Get Brexit Done! Three words. That’s all you need to take absolute power and keep it.”

However party insiders with a better handle on nuance appear to have other reasons for disliking the new slogan.

“They think it’s too honest,” the insider admits. “Vote Tory – It could be the last thing you do? It’s a clear reference to our pandemic policies and the one or two avoidable deaths that have happened as a result.”

Whether or not the people responsible for the new slogan will agree to modify it isn’t exactly clear though.

“They must be chasing the Freudian Slip Award? Mind you, given Mr Johnson’s announcement regarding the 19th of July I don’t think they’ll win it. We’re no longer concealing what we think of the value of the average voter’s life.”

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BREAKING : COBRA meets after threat made to put face mask on Churchill statue

MASK ON MASK OFF : The decision of the United Kingdom to let the weirdest and most damaged attention seekers it can find govern it is bearing real and tangible fruit today. COBRA is to meet to decide what to do about the latest SEVERE threat to the statue of Winston Churchill.

“We can’t have FREEDOM DAY on the 19th of July if the greatest Englishman EVER is choking on a piece of fabric in the afterlife,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “We didn’t singlehandedly defeat fascism nearly 80 years ago not to constantly reference it in a public health emergency.”

The threat itself appears to have been delivered via a fever dream to a member of the CRG.

“You know the Covid Recovery Group? If you don’t you should. They’re your government. They did the research that GOT BREXIT DONE. Now they’ve turned their laser hot sociopathy to GETTING COVID DONE. Essentially some of you will die, and they’re okay with that. But that doesn’t mean that an inanimate statue has to suffer to achieve victory over the concept of sanctity of life.”

Quite what will be done to protect the statue isn’t clear, with the police already over tasked ignoring the allegedly provable crimes of the high and mighty.

“We’ll have to deploy the army,” the source continues. “That is ultimately the solution to any problem. I mean we could employ the army to assist us in eliminating the virus within our borders within weeks and not need masks at all. But that is an act of out of the box thinking your PM and his handlers aren’t prepared to consider. Not while the pandemic is covering up for Brexit.”

The public however can play their part.

“You can help. All you have to do is give up any pretence of concern for the people around you. Then gather around the Churchill statue on the 19th of July and breathe. Breathe. Breathe in the air.”

Freedom Day will happen.

“Some of you will die. But we’re okay with that.”

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Sajid Javid announces Health Department and Daily Mail will merge offices from 19th July

STRONG AND STABLE INFECTION RATES : Many feared that the era of Sajid Javid as Health Secretary would be a mysterious one, with people left to wonder why him? Maybe it won’t be so bad? He was the guy who resigned on principle after all when Dominic Cummings was Prime Minister. Happily the mystery has already been solved and it seems clear what Mr Javid is about.

“It’s great,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “We can now fully embrace the pandemic policy we wanted from the start of the pandemic. It’s a policy that is a meme. You know the one? Some of you may die, and I’m alright with that. The rest of the world is impressed.”

As part of seeing through the decision to remove all restrictions in just a couple of weeks Mr Javid isn’t wasting any time making changes.

“He’s going to save the taxpayer an absolute tonne,” the source continues, “He’s merging the offices of The Department of Health and Social Care with The Daily Mail. That way they can share resources and it will make announcing policy changes much faster. He won’t even have to pick up the phone to the editor. He’ll just shout across the corridor. Or the editor will shout at him. It’s not clear which direction the decisions travel in.”

The change is expected to also bring tangible benefits in the manipulation of public opinion, as the hospitals begin to overflow with virus patients once more.

“People are letting the government down. It’s really tiresome. We’re going to let them make their own decisions about how to keep the strangers they encounter fleetingly safe from the invisible killer. So it will be the public’s fault. It’s all good. Sajid feels this is the right way to do things so that’s all the validation you need. We’ve had enough of those meddling scientists! The CRG are right behind him. You know them, they used to be the ERG. They’ve done exactly the same amount of research into the pandemic, and how to end it swiftly, as they did into Brexit. You can sleep soundly, unless you’re coughing of course.”

We have to learn to live with the virus, according to Mr Javid, which will be an excellent comfort to the 150,000+ who failed to do that. Strong and stable public health policies. If you want them you need a disaster capitalist.

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Calls to replace Johnson government with “Marxist” English football team grow

THERE IS A WAY TO HAVE NICE THINGS : 10 Downing Street is refusing to comment this morning on the growing clamour for Prime Minister Boris Johnson to stand aside and allow the English football team to takeover. Although comment is expected later this afternoon when the PM wakes up, but only after he has had his late breakfast and long lunch.

There have been growing calls within the United Kingdom since last summer for the change, after Marcus Rashford successfully reversed the free school meals policy for deprived children not once, but numerous times.

Whether or not Mr Rashford would wish to take the role of Prime Minister is not yet clear, even though it is a highly popular option. Perhaps the current English football team manager Gareth Southgate will be preferred for the role by his team. This would leave Mr Rashford free to choose from cabinet positions, with most assuming he could combine the roles of Home Secretary and Education Secretary without too much difficulty.

English football fans will be happy to know though that there are no calls for the reverse. In the event of the Johnson government being replaced with the English football team, the English football team will not be replaced with the Johnson government.

“We’re not talking about going back to the bad old days of English football,” one insider said, “where people constantly hoped for a world beating performance, were promised it, but continually let down by a bunch of booze and drug addled lads finding their extramarital affairs splashed all over the tabloids. The Johnson government will continue to fulfil that role in or out of office.”

It is expected Prime Minister Boris Johnson will resist the calls to hand power to the footballers, before belatedly claiming it as his own idea once he sees how popular it is with the public.

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Hopes uncontrolled experiment to get herd immunity in school kids will create “lifelong immunity to voting Tory”

LETTING KIDS RIP : Researchers are watching avidly as the U.K. government’s top secret medical experiment on the entirety of English state school children gathers pace.

While not officially acknowledged as government policy it’s believed the UK’s government has just decided to “sort the wheat from the chaff” of English kids and let the virus have its merry way with them. Oh and also, “Boris is bored of the pandemic now and just wants it over with, like one of his marriages. So let the bodies pile high again and see who wins the race? The vaccine or the virus.”

“Chicken pox and measles parties were good enough in my day,” said one 10 Downing Street eugenicist, “and cooking my brain with a fever at dangerous temperatures for days while young didn’t do me any harm. You just have to look at me to see that. So there’s minimal risk to British youth, except the ones who get long term damage. But that’s a part of growing up. At least emotionally, in my direct experience.”

But non-government researchers suspect there maybe long term consequences that Mr Johnson and the other “batshit crazy, irresponsible shithouses currently ruining the U.K.” haven’t fully thought through.

“Arrogance and a sense of endless entitlement allow you to do many things that harm others to satisfy yourself,” Professor Doctor Doctor told LCD Views, “you just have to look at Brexit to see the results of that. We’re hopeful that this fascist feeling experiment on the nation’s schoolchildren may have a positive long term impact.”

Namely a distinct aversion to voting Tory when they grow up and look back to a childhood disrupted unnecessarily for several years by a “hamfisted, pseudo science approach combined with profiteering off a pandemic with scant regard to the human cost by the old Etonian sect.”

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“We have to learn to live with Covid,” says chauffeur driven MP who lives on a large estate

IF YOU CAN’T BLIND THEM WITH SCIENCE…: THE UK IS GLOBALLY RECOGNISED as being at the forefront of research into how to handle the current pandemic. Work made more impressive by the current government’s decision to abandon efforts to properly prepare for pandemics, before the pandemic.

“This has provided us with a pretty open field to experiment within,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views, “and not just for the virus! Ha!”

In spite of the interesting results arising from the UK’s unique attempt to bring Blitz Spirit into viral control, it seems some in power are getting bored of it now.

“Matt’s mates have made an absolute tonne of cash, it’s been excellent,” the source continues. “Not just his, others also. Total snouts in trough windfall event. One in a million. It’s been excellent.”

But the winds of change are now blowing…

“By mismanaging the pandemic we’ve artificially boosted UK GDP sufficient to hide some of the impact of Brexit. Although we’re coming to the end of the road with that now, which is more than you can say for the nation’s hauliers! Ha! We’re going to have to get Dido back to track and trace truck drivers. That’ll spin a few billion out the door. Ha!”

As to where to go now with the pandemic it’s clear a few options are helpfully still ruled out.

“No chance we’ll pursue an elimination strategy, with an effective quarantine and track and trace. That’s not the British way! We’ll only consider it if the rest of the world quarantines us. The modern Conservative has the mettle to cull the herd of the weak, presented with the opportunity. But how to sell it to the great unwashed? Social media spreading conspiracies helps keep people’s eye off the ball. Who doesn’t prefer to watch old Piers Corbyn ripping health messages off public transport? Much more exciting than considering stale charts of infections and deaths. But we want to move on now. We’ve Global Britain to build! The people need to shrug off their fears and get out the door.”

It seems the favoured policy is to manipulate public opinion sufficiently so they see the virus like a car crash. You want to drive then you accept there’s a risk to yourself and others, but you trust it’s mitigated. So long as the daily mortality stays low then it’s hoped selfishness will kick in too. It’s only people I don’t know dying…

“That’s exceptionally clever. Treating an infectious disease like a car accident. It has a surface logic that many will grab. As long as no one actually sits down and thinks about it…”

Of course the people in positions of power pushing the agenda to “get back to normal” are well placed to think it through.

“They have access to chauffeur driven cars and many live on large estates. All you have to do is work harder for the right ancestors and you can live safely with the virus too.”