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If you hate covid so much, leave, advises Matt Hancock

LEAVING ON A JET PLANE: F*cking useless Health Secretary Matt Hancock has had enough. Fed up of people moaning about covid, he has finally cracked. ‘If you hate it so much, then leave’ is now the official position.

LCD Views can exclusively reveal that Hancock’s latest Special Advisor is none other than Dave23891085 off Twitter. Extensive research reveals that Dave is a bot which specialises in dishing out quality advice to anyone who dares to criticise the Tories.

An unrepentant Hancock did the rounds of the TV news shows to promote his new strategy. “It’s a zero tolerance approach,” he said impatiently as one interviewer tried to engage him with reason. “I have no more tolerance! Covid is here to stay, and if you don’t like it, clear off and go to some ghastly Woke foreign country.”

One reporter had the temerity to point out that travel to foreign countries was banned. “Nonsense!” he snapped. “There’s plenty of jobs going in Australia, if you can’t stand our world beating super spreading virus. Go and grow Vegemite! And I don’t like your tone!”

Nobody will take Brits any more, wailed another journalist, desperate to make Hancock see sense. “Really!” Hancock scoffed. “It’s idiotic Remainer scum like you who are talking this country down all the time. Boris is doing his best, and our vaccine provision is the best in the world. Yes, vaccines, vaccines. Let’s talk about vaccines, because what we need is freedom. People died for your freedom, and if you don’t like that, then maybe you should go elsewhere!”

Hancock paused, apparently deep in thought. “It is noble to die for your country,” he announced, finally. “Yes, we must lay down our lives for our freedom. And anyone consciously objecting should be given a white feather and deported. I’ll get the Prittster onto it immediately!”

With that, he stepped into the aeroplane and set off for pastures new.

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BLM ate my hamster, claims Tory MP

ROTTEN TO THE CORE: A remarkable claim has been made by an obscure Tory MP desperate to jump on the Cancel Culture bandwagon. A BLM activist, he claims, consumed his family pet.

MP for the Rotten Borough of Canker-on-the-Quince, Sir Willie Warmer-FitzNicely, wrote an  angry letter to the editor of the Canker Chronicle. In this missive he alleges that the local BLM group purloined the unfortunate rodent, before cooking it and sharing it as a communal meal.

“It’s not the loss of a much-ignored family pet,” wailed Sir Willie’s prose. “It’s the symbolism I detest, the Marxist way in which these Woke types distributed little Hampers around the group of probably 5,000,000 activists, all threatening our way of life by kneeling down occasionally.”

Sir Willie goes on to paint a broader picture of life in the Borough. “We do not accept the validity of BLM in Canker-on-the-Quince,” he writes. “People want to go about their daily business of organising huge balls at their modest stately piles. There is a steady rhythm of preparation, gathering, drinking too much, and getting off with the chambermaid. Then next month, repeat at the next venue on the social calendar, a calendar that has remained unchanged since 1743. Traditions matter in these parts. We do not want to have to kneel down every time one of those ghastly Association Soccer games bullies off. These do-gooders do not understand that Canker residents simply do not bow down to anyone else, especially not bleeding heart lefties.”

The response has been simple astonishment. “I don’t know what Sir Willie thinks of his fellow villagers,” wrote one resident on the Canker residents’ Facebook page. “There are no activists here, unless you count the WI. And they certainly wouldn’t pinch a hamster, far less bake it into a cake. The poor animal probably escaped when its cage was being cleaned. Sir Willie should withdraw his remarks!”

“Willie out! Now!” was a far more pithy comment.

There has been no official comment yet from Number Ten, although they did confirm that a large consignment of uncategorised meat is making its way to Australia.

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New Royal Yacht named “Dead Cat” so no one discusses pandemic ripping through schools

RING A RING O’ ROSIE : EVERYONE IS TALKING ABOUT THE NEW ROYAL YACHT that may well end up being built just so everyone can keep talking about the new royal yacht.

Suggestions that the new royal yacht is a DEAD CAT has set klaxons screeching in patriotic areas of GREAT BRITAIN. It’s clearly not that. It’s obviously a vital tool for Liz Truss to get new trade deals. Her magic Union Flag umbrella can only get her so far. The yacht will help make Brexit great. That’s why they started building it years ago. So it was ready for when we Brexited. What?!

“It’s not just standard Johnsonian BS to deflect and distract away from the growing bin fire he’s turned the country into,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “He really believes in it. Because he’s young at heart. About 4 to be exact. Maybe even 3. And if the royals don’t want the ship? So what! Who’s the real royal family in the UK these days? Clearly not the stuffed shirts at Windsor. Johnson lied to the Queen’s face and got away with it. That makes him King. The real royal family now lives at 10 Downing Street and they want a yacht.”

And while all the retorts from the palace at Westminster are clearly completely believable there are just a few who are saying it’s a giant dead cat to distract from the herd immunity project currently been run in English schools. Just let the virus rip and be done with it. Boris is bored of the pandemic now. Go on kids! Do your bit for Blighty! Only a few of you will get sick long term, even fewer will die. Can’t be so sure of the extended family. But so what!

LCD Views would send a reporter along to get comment from schools on the front line, but we can’t find one that is still open. Global Britain. Ring a ring o’ Rosie, we all fall down, but at least we’ll have a yacht!

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Downing Street orders “Dad’s Army” broadcast on White Cliffs of Dover 24/7

THIS SKEWERED ISLE : 10 DOWNING STREET isn’t taking the EU treating the UK like a third country without HITTING BACK!

The news that Great British TV content may not screen so much now, because of exactly what 10 Downing Street demanded, is not something the “purist EU is allowed to get away with”.

Boris Johnson himself is said to have come up with a plan to take the FIGHT BACK to the EU!

“He was working through his pickled herrings at breakfast and wondering what champagne to have with lunch when it came to him,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views, “he won’t let them not see Great British TV output.”

Clearly the only language the EU will understand spoken by GLOBAL BRITAIN will be communication full of WW2 REFERRENCES.

“That’s why Mr Johnson has chosen Great British TV classic ‘Dad’s Army’ to show the EU they won’t get away with it!”

‘Dad’s Army’ will now be broadcast 24/7, come rain, hail or food shortages onto THE GREAT BRITISH WHITE CLIFFS OF DOVER!

“It’s genius,” the source nods along, “this way the FRENCH HAVE TO WATCH IT!”

The broadcast will continue, unrelenting, until the EU BACKS DOWN.

“If we run out of Dad’s Army there’s always a long list of black and white WW2 films to screen and THE ENGLISH VICTORY IN THE 1966 WORLD CUP!”

The only potential problem in the scheme to HIT THE EU WHERE IT HURTS is Home Secretary Priti Patel’s plans to deploy a wall of floating Union Flag barges down the middle of the English Channel to stop BRUSSELS SPYING ON US!

“It’s okay. Mr Johnson has said we’re going to be a digital tech superpower. We’ll just cut some holes in the barge line and the French can SEE RIGHT THROUGH IT!”

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SHOCK as Tory MP seeks relevance with controversial comment

In Westminster today, Sir Brindsley ‘Bunny’ Schwarzkopf-Hare, Conservative MP for Chipping-sub-Parva, caused controversy when he tweeted that woke BLM activists had infiltrated Chipping-sub-Parva’s parish council and demanded the removal of a bench dedicated to the memory of his great great grandfather, Sir Hubert Fondly-Schwarzkopf-Hare KMPG, on the tenuous grounds of his involvement in the slave trade.

The 78 year old MP, who has never held high office but was once mentioned by John Major as ‘a member of Parliament’, tweeted, ‘The bench has been a permanent feature outside the Chipping Old Incontinents’ cricket pavilion since time immemorial and it is typical of the awoke, BMW, snowball Marxists on the parish council to want to remove an important part of our heritage.’

Responding to replies, he added, ‘I appreciate that some people are offended by my ancestor’s involvement in the slave trade but I must emphasise that he ceased this enterprise immediately after the siege of Mafeking, when his great friend, General Robert Baden-Powell, mentioned en passant that slavery was perhaps regarded as a trifle infra dignitatem.’

After being informed that slavery had been declared illegal some 60 years before Mafeking, he said that political correctness had obviously been around a lot longer than he thought. ‘In any event, the PM chose me particularly to make a statement reflecting the Conservative Party’s high regard for England’s rich history and heritage.’

Boris Johnson later said that Sir Brindsley had been appointed to some office or the other, and that he had been immediately sacked. ‘This demonstrates our commitment to our well-regarded policies on equality and diversity,’ he said. ‘To be utterly frank, I’d never even heard of him before today.’

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Dido Harding confirmed as new leader of UKIP

MORE FOGHORN THAN DOG WHISTLE : The UK’s premier cash transfer scheme, Dido Harding, has notched another impressive achievement to her CV after being confirmed as the new UKIP leader.

It was feared the UK’s governing political party was rudderless after the departure of the last leader, the appropriately named Dick Brain, but mercifully Dido has stepped up to fill the void.

The confirmation came late yesterday after Dido Harding published an opinion piece regarding foreign staff in the NHS that was every bit as subtle as “Nigel Farage standing on a beach screaming obscenities at refugees struggling to reach land”.

It’s thought Dame Harding of Cashot will easily fulfil the role of UKIP leader, and thus policy think tank for 10 Downing Street, while also running the NHS.

“Dido won’t have any trouble running the NHS, once she’s confirmed in the top job,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views, “as her job will be to run it into the ground much in the manner of a 747 jet with no tail. Smash it into millions of separate components and let the US health companies scavenge the saleable parts. Health outcomes won’t be of any concern. This aligns with the governing Tory philosophy of government since 2010. Public outcomes are not important. The transfer of public assets and cash into private pockets, that’s the real public service.”

How long Harding stays as UKIP leader is anyone’s guess.

“It’s a must have on the CV of anyone failing upwards in Global Britain. You need to get your reputation tarnished by association with xenophobia, either overtly or implied. This secures her in famous liberal Boris Johnson’s world beating team.”

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British politicians for British Parliament, insists Dido Harding

WHY DON’T YOU GO BACK WHERE YOU CAME FROM: People born overseas should not hold public office, according to Dido Harding. A true British Parliament should contain only British-born members. 

This makes perfect sense in the wake of her NHS comments. It is only fair and indeed consistent to apply the rule of eugenics to the Mother of all Parliaments. 

As is normal with such pronouncements, Harding has not thought through the implications. Her statement was aimed directly at the xenophobia of the gutter press reading numpties to create outrage, and no further. Just as she “forgot” that the NHS has always relied upon overseas labour, she “forgot” that the Prime Minister was not born in the UK. 

It is clear that Harding thinks that an American of Turkish descent is not fit to be an MP, let alone PM. This is true, but has nothing to do with his ethnic makeup. 

Naturally LCD Views wished to have the PM’s view on the matter. “Well, yes, no, hello there, cogito ergo sum, wiff waff, is it too early for champers?” came the reply from the Number Ten spokesman. “This is, erm, erm, erm, well, yes, no, I can categorically confirm that, erm, erm, erm, that our vaccine rollout is completely world beating, and we could only do that because we left the EU, erm, erm, erm, caveat emptor, wiff waff, thank you and goodbye!” 

So that’s all cleared up. 

Send Them Home Secretary Priti Patel has been tasked with deporting all foreign-born MPs. Home Office guidelines state that “any individual who, in the opinion of the Home Secretary, looks or sounds a bit foreign, shall be subject to instant deportation and having their pants pulled down for a laugh.” 

You can expect Johnson’s pants to be burning in world beating fashion. 

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DISARRAY as new Brexit opportunities Director says Brexit is “a great opportunity to join the EU”

DON’T LOOK BACK IN ANGER : Great news for patriot’s today who are seeking ways to improve the prospects of the United Kingdom, and maybe even prevent its disintegration back into warring Dark Age tribes.

The upbeat vibes are welcome after a long period where plague and misfortune has been visiting upon these islands as if by magic.

“It was a masterstroke,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views, “all the credit lies with LORD Frost and Mr Johnson who came up with the totally wizard idea of hiring someone to find Brexit benefits. And they did!”

Dido Harding was initially expected to take the role of Director of Brexit Opportunities after her success in tracking and tracing Tory donors to outsource track and trace to, but she was unavailable as she was busy writing xenophobic articles in a pitch to run the NHS.

“It’s okay. We just stayed in the shallow end of the talent pool and waited to see what else would float on by and we hired them instead.”

The name of the new Brexit superstar is currently under wraps so instant celebrity doesn’t distract them from their task.

“It’s best to keep it a secret until their peerage is arranged. We’re running out of geographical areas to make someone a Lord or Dame of, so we’re having to dredge up some of Doggerland for that. That’s a bit controversial as evidence comes up of various peoples mixing and moving back and forth for millennia. But if no one talks about that we’ll get away with it!”

The big reveal can’t be far away though because the new Director of Brexit Opportunities is reported to have identified the major opportunity already!

“Crikey! They’ve identified the biggest opportunity from Brexit is the possibility of joining the European Union? And they’ve listed sheets of instant benefits. Wait. Did we just hire John Bercow in a wig?”

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Lord Frost to appoint Dido Harding to track and trace Brexit Opportunities

VANISHING WITHOUT A TRACE (OR TRACK): Brexit bulldog Lord Frost is seeking a supremo to specify the huge quantity of Brexit Opportunities. A high quality candidate has already been identified. 

The candidate, who will be given an almost unlimited budget to track & trace Brexit Opportunities, is of course the government’s go-to fixer. Dido Harding is expected to be appointed any day now.

The Great British Brexit Opportunities have, up to now, been reluctant to show themselves. The self-inflicted gaping wound left by tearing the UK out of the EU is healing only slowly. 

Australia style deals to supply wombat eggs and kangaroo milk have not managed to replace our traditional supply chains. So now it is up to Dido the Destroyer to track and trace the true whereabouts of the Sunlit Uplands – and to deliver the mythical chimaera of Global Britain.

Assuming that Brexit is more important than public health, Harding’s budget is likely to be greatly in excess of the £37bn spaffed on covid tracking. In this case, Harding could rightly point to the first Brexit Opportunity – Knowing Matt Hancock’s Phone Number.

It is expected that further Opportunities in the same vein will come to light. They will be collected under the umbrella of Friends In High Places.

But there are many others. Shorting The Pound and Selling The NHS are just two of the great Opportunities to arise from Brexit.

These are short term Opportunities. The greater challenge will be to discover long term benefits. For this, Harding will use every ounce of cunning and every penny of her £37bn+ budget to disappear completely from view without delivering on her brief.

Thus will Lord Frost claim to have discharged his responsibilities. For it won’t be His Lordship’s fault if the corrupt and useless crony to whom he is outsourcing his job takes the money and runs. 

The greatest Brexit Opportunity of all is, of course, Being Dido Harding.