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Badenoch tears up EU red tape preventing sale of snake oil

YOU PAYS YOUR MONEY AND YOU TAKES YOUR CHANCES : The UK’s trailblazing Business Secretary has today announced she’s not content to let the ever expanding field of NHS waiting lists go untilled.

”Just think,” she said, in what critics said was more evidence of her shouting at people to do what she says, but not what she herself does, “if we hadn’t have left the EU you could neither dine outside on the pavement in our car centred towns and cities, and you’d have to wait to see an actual doctor. Well, who’s laughing now?”

Take that Brussels!

”As part of our ever growing list of freedoms, now that we’re free of EU red tape, you can not only enjoy greater fun examining your tap water under a microscope, you can now enjoy a plethora of hitherto outlawed options to treat yourself. In. The. COMFORT. Of. Your. Own. home.”

The Secretary went on to explain that outdated rules prohibiting the sale of snake oil are to be torn up.

”I admit this may fuel some health tourism to the UK,” she admitted, “as eager foreigners rush to take advantage of a simple bottled remedy to treat even the most complex of ailments.”

The EU itself has so far refused to publicly comment on the sale of snake oil within the UK’s borders, although both Gibraltar and Northern Ireland won’t be enjoying the sunlit uplands of health care diversity.

However a source in Brussels did speak to us off the record, saying “Snake Oil? That’s Brexit for you.” We are attempting to have the comment translated in order to understand what the hell he means.

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Rishi Sunak ridiculed after he identifies as a Prime Minister

I AM WHAT I AM: And there’s nothing anybody can do about it. It appears that the naggingly persistent news botherer Rishi Sunak has finally gone full Woke.

The acceptable face of the culture war has succumbed to pressure. He has come out of the closet at Number Ten and bowed to the inevitable.

“Friends, Rupert, countryside,” he said in his best speaking-in-front-of-the-class voice. “I have decided that the best thing for me is to come clean. From now on, I want to identify as a leading politician. No, in fact, I want to identify as the Prime Minister!”

Psychiatrist Edd Phukk was handily on hand to analyse this amazing disclosure. “I think Mr Sunak is suffering from PMS,” he said. “Prime Minister Syndrome. It used to be called SMS, Small Man Syndrome, but that got mixed up with text messaging. That’s a whole different sort of identification.”

The good doctor continued: “Good old SMS, when combined with a Napoleon complex, quickly becomes PMS. Frankly, it’s about the ego taking over. The highest echelons of English society are riddled with it.”

It remains to be seen if Sunak’s fresh identity is robust enough to deal with the UK’s problems. However, the rampant corruption that is baked into the system is unlikely to crumble in the face of one man’s self identity.

Sunak isn’t the first person to identify as a PM. After all, his four most recent predecessors were the same. For three of them, even the epitome of self identification, Boris Johnson, the fit passed. Theresa May is actually thinking of crossing the floor and identifying as a serious politician. Unfortunately, the insufferable Liz Truss is still suffering from PMS and wants to return to haunt the country once more.

The final word must go to a child who identifies as a hologram, simply to wind up his Headmistress. “What a Smeg head!” he concluded.

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Unhappy water customers free to choose “alternative supplier”

FREE MARKET RULZ : There’s a god sized finger in the eye today for the bureaucracy loving, Marxist, woke antifarati as English customers take advantage of the watery, free liberal trading environment they enjoy.

”Europeans can only watch and weep,” a 10 Downing Street spokesman told LCD Views, in a shock break from expectations by addressing the tsunami of news regarding the UK’s fully privatised water supply.

”Water is just like any other commodity,” they gushed, “if you don’t like the product you take the penny you have to spend elsewhere.”

The spokesman went on to reference the recent unfortunate experience of our very own Prime Minister.

”Take Mr Sunak.”

Please do.

”Adidas made him look a little foolish recently. Those white trainers just didn’t cut it with short cropped suit pants. Any idiot can tell you that you can’t buy class. Nice try Adidas. Complete travesty. Total ambush. Germans out to get revenge for Brexit. Obvious. The PM won’t be sending them another penny!”

And the advice for water utility customers who may be feeling there’s just too many parasites in their tap water these days, is to do exactly the same.

”Just like the railways, if you don’t like the service you are free to choose a different service provider. Take that Southern! I won’t be using you to get to Victoria Station today. I’m going on the Penine Express!”

Suggestions that water should not be in private hands, profit focused, irresponsible and liable to take the money and run when it all turns to slurry are just “Commies trying to undermine forty years of progress.”

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“New Brexit freedoms mean Brits can now eat pavement,” says Business Secretary

MODERN BRITISH CUISINE : Awe inspiring news this morning to warm the cockles of the fearless race that tirelessly inhabits the sodden lump of turf off the coast of France.

While the Gauls languish in the prison of their staid and unchanging cuisine, as if sentenced by a just food deity, the Brits are doing something else entirely.

”While the Iberians sleep through the dank days on the peninsula bemoaning their fate, as if they could turn back time and be conquered by a British armada, we here in Blighty are now free of EU red tape that prevented us from enjoying the full range of forageable produce our blessed island enjoys,” Business Secretary and grade one idiot Bad Enoch informed the country.

When pressed to list the expanded range of consumables ONLY ENJOYED BY SOVEREIGN BRITS she said, “Concrete. Especially pavements. You can also now fish in potholes.”

It’s not yet clear how the listless Italians on their boot will take the news, trapped as they are in their homes doomed for eternity to eat only flour mixed with water.

”We can only hope they learn from our example,” Bad Enoch shrugged. The only thing she’s ever been right about.

Bon apetit.

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“Clean drinking water is woke” – says Tory MP

FAUCET FRAUDS : Great British Reassurance today for anyone worried they maybe killed by drinking from their tap as the newly appointed Minister for Bottled Water Sales, Abac Teria, set out his plan to deal with the contaminated water crisis.

”There isn’t a plan,” he told a rapt classroom of year 5’s during a photoshoot to promote greater involvement of corporate interests in early years education. “You all look rosy cheeked, don’t you children? Yes. Yes you do. So if anyone tells you not to drink from the tap you just ignore them. You can only get infected once. And the strongest amongst you will thrive as the weak fall by the wayside. Won’t they children?”

While the lack of an obvious plan to return the UK’s water supply to the 21st century may concern some, Abac Teria isn’t losing any sleep over it.

”I’m disgusted at the people talking this country down all the time,” he blasted a cheeky 10 year old who appeared to have loosened his bowels during the session, developed a fever, fainted and was carried from the classroom. “Our glorious ancestors didn’t worry about water supply when they were raising militias on the subcontinent, did they children? Did the railways, the same ones we still use today with almost the same trains, get invented while handwringing over red tape to do with E. coli? No. They didn’t. So don’t you worry yourselves over it.”

Apart from the obvious and unnecessary excitement over water quality, Abac Teria, also had some choice words for the gloomsayers.

”Look at the sales of bottled water now? This is how you turn crisis into opportunity. This is the British way! Now, just remember if anyone moans about a brown lump clogging up the tap, you just tell them they’re woke and go look for a puddle in the yard to wash your face in. Now, I’ve got to run along and take up a job with the water regulator. My wife works for a water company. That’s exciting isn’t it? We can talk about work. Which is nice.”

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Lord Cameron expected to join Labour under promise to remain Foreign Secretary

EVEN BIGGER SOCIETY : The architect of the current state of the United Kingdom, Lord David Cameron of Boy Wonder, is rumoured to be in advanced talks to join Labour.

”He’s privately very panicked,” a source claiming to be close to the Lord told LCD Views, “if Rishi ever calls that GE it’s curtains. And I don’t mean merely a new refurb of 10 Downing Street.”

The big feelings in Big Dave are said to be based on the terror of becoming unemployed.

”Clearly balancing the budget, if subject to managed decline, won’t be an issue for the Lord. Only people foolish enough to be born poor have to fret over that. Wealthy people like the Lord don’t know how much they have because their finances are sensibly managed.”

What is the concern then?

”He’s worried he’ll be sent packing, well his staff will do the packing, anyway, sent back to the cavernous Shepherd’s Hut Shed with Sam banging on about what colour to repaint it and nagging him to talk to his personal stylist. It’s just so soul crushingly dull. He’ll die of boredom. But swanning around the globe at taxpayers expense being greeted like royalty due to his accent? That’s a life well lived.”

But would Labour countenance such a defection?

”Don’t be daft,” our source replied, “they’re still pledging to Make Brexit Work even though Brexit is about as workable as a nostalgia and class driven so called representative democracy with a birthright based and democratically unaccountable Head of State in the 21st Century when London is the world’s laundromat and social media tycoons provide the majority of people’s information via algorithms designed to manipulate their every thought. Of course they’ll do it. Without a second thought.”

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“Sun Tzunak” – PM to rebrand as military strategist in latest Reset! Reboot! Relaunch!

YOU AND WHOSE ARMY : The UK’s current inheritor of Churchill’s eternal power animal, Rishi Sunak, is set to reposition himself domestically to prove he’s the war leader Britain needs to be great in future conflicts.

It’s the best kept secret in the Westminster bubble that Mr Sunak is only respected to his face by people who hope to either fill or empty his bank accounts, but the umpteenth image refab will definitely provide the resurrection in polling the PM needs.

”We can’t have an election until Rishi is certain to win, so if you want an election you know what to do,” a spokesman for the little retrograde ruler told LCD Views, “you would have thought showing a bit of ankle, literally, to the public was enough, but the peasants are truly revolting.”

No one can say Mr Sunak isn’t a trier, so why not try the latest rebrand his team of well heeled freethinkers have hit on.

”Sun Tzunak has an appeal which we’re sure will resonaste with the voters,” the spokesman explained, “and see them returning to Rishi in droves.”

The catchy new handle was the result of a free association brainstorm session of the kind which has seen the PM make life as hard as possible for people less well off than the average voter.

”To be frank, punishing the vulnerable for a poll boost is getting a little tired, because we’ve created so many vulnerable people. So this is a reset to our reboot approach and a rebrand which will put a rocket under Rishi.”

Mr Sunak will record a hip and groovy series of short clips for social media to help spread the world that he’s now Sun Tzunak, a type of military superhero.

”Only Sun Tzunak can lead you to victory,” the spokesman adds, his life force draining away in real time, “and if you don’t believe us you’re a traitor who is undermining the country.”

Look out for the taxpayer funded videos on digital billboards in your area from tomorrow and see a giant sized Sun Tzunak pointing to the dangers of the future he’s helping to create, so he can be the one to save you.

And if this latest reset doesn’t shift the dial, what next?

”We’ll do something else,” the spokesman shrugged, “it’s not like we’ve anything pressing to do.”

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I’ll give you anything you want, says man refusing to call a general election

WHATEVER YOU WANT: Sub-Prime Minister Rishi Sunak is bucking the Status Quo. In his desperate wish to be a popular populist, he is trying to gain popularity amongst the population properly. But is he a Matchstick Man or a straw man?

“I’m listening to the electorate,” said Sunak in his keynote speech at one of the private, opaquely-funded far-right Tufton Street think-tanks. “Look!” He covered his little ears with his little hands. “La la la!” he said happily.

The right wing media gobbled up this nonsense happily and reported it as fact.

“I’m not only listening, but I’m looking as well!” he continued. Sunak put on a pair of dark glasses and pretended not to notice questions coming from allegedly competent journalists.

“All you need to do is to tell me what you’re proposing,” Sunak said. “I’m a public servant, I’m YOUR public servant, ready to enact the Will Of The People.”

We all remember how well that went last time.

“You can trust me, just look at how I’ve delivered on my promises!” he boasted. “You said you wanted me to stop the boats, and that’s going really well. We are disposing of the surplus population one by one, to Rwanda. Outsourcing the problem always works. The paper tiger is sending them away on a paper plane!”

It’s possible that the AI bot which writes Sunak’s speeches needs to recalibrate its analogy filter.

“So just talk to me,” he said. “No, not you!” he snarled at one of the woke leftists who had attended on the pretext of ‘writing for a newspaper’ and raised his hand to ask a question. “I’m here, ready to roll over lay down for you, the Great British Public. Simply say ‘Brexit’ three times and cross your fingers, and it will happen.”

“Are you going to call a general election? That’s what the people want!” yelled the woke leftist desperately, as Sunak’s goons dragged his sorry arse out of the door to deposit him on the Tufton Street pavement.

“No,” replied Sunak.

He’s going down, down, deeper and down.

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Former PM to return as “Minister for Lanyards”

FUTURE TENSE : The PM for a crisis, Rishi “the blast” Sunak, has today announced a stunning reversal in the UK’s expectations.

”Most expected us to go quietly into that long night,” Mr Sunak told a rapt audience of AI enthusiasts, “but I ran the numbers through my new whizz bang artificial intelligence engine called Barry and it told me exactly what to do.”

And the solution to the UK’s myriad of once seemingly unsolvable problems is disarmingly simple.

”It all comes down to lanyards,” the clever little boy beamed. “For too long people have been wearing the wrong coloured lanyards in the work place. The damage has been calculable. Just look at the NHS waiting lists, bin collections, potholes, the RNLI saving drowning people, the National Trust failing to only talk about Stephenson’s Rocket, well, the list of things that have measurably degraded to a terrifying degree since 2010 is exhausting.”

But today the fightback begins.

”From today anyone turning up to work anywhere with a rainbow lanyard will be summarily executed. We will gladly sacrifice a few civil servants to ensure your hip operation happens by Saturday and the nurse who fits your catheter is wearing a red, white and blue lanyard.”

With the handle now back on the country’s pot all our assured it will be a lovely day tomorrow.

”Remember how it was always a lovely day tomorrow with Boris, if you just ignored today? Nothing has changed with me at the helm. And to ensure it remains a lovely day tomorrow I will be enobbing Johnson as Lord Al of Empty Wine Crates. He will then become Minister for Lanyards and we will all be warming our hands over the frozen tears of the woke.”

Job done. Well done Rishi. We don’t know what we’d do without you.

”And Barry. He’s my imaginary friend,” grinned little Rishi.

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Woke Hobby Horse tipped to win the Grand National

FIRST PAST THE POST: The Grand National is always hard to predict, but this year an outstanding candidate has emerged. The scourge of more traditional nags, such as Blind Nationalism and R. Cuntry, Woke Hobby Horse is this year’s clear favourite.

Traditionalists are up in arms, naturally enough. Their stables have been churning out horses specifically bred to run one race and then be turned into luxury dog food. The real prize is the rosette which may be applied to the cans made from the victor, and the accompanying price hike.

“This cannot be allowed!” bellowed one such breeder, Bertie Burlington, from the posh stable chain Horsepitality. “It’s my turn to win this year!”

Burlington set out his stall, filled it with hay, and chomped for a few moments.

“This is a disgrace!” he said. “Where will it all end? Will they start to allow cars to compete? Or aeroplanes? It’s the thin end of the wedge, that’s what it is, we are led by donkeys, and the law’s an ass!”

None of this addresses the point that Burlington’s competition is actually another horse.

“Hobby horses!” he yelled, hay scattering willy-nilly. “Bloody children’s toys! I bet there’s some Olympic sprinter riding it!”

Horses are generally faster than humans, especially over the jumps.

“I bet it’s a bloody unicorn, then!” he raved, his fetlocks quivering. “I bet it’s rainbow coloured, like all this Woke rubbish! I bet it farts glitter! And that horn takes away all the excitement of winning by a nose! When is it all going to end?”

Sooner than you think. As we write, there are moves in Westminster to create an outright ban on Woke Hobby Horses. Unicorns, rainbows, glitter, and all the colourful Woke stuff is being banned, so that we can get our country back to the dull, drab, grey place it was before having fun was allowed.