LCD Views

Credibility, a key member of any serving prime minister’s cabinet, has announced it has finally broken at a new location derivatively named “Patelgate”.

“I’m done. Look at my achilles heel? I’d call it my priti-heel now if I hadn’t already decided to name a bunch of different rooms used for unofficial meetings between Priti Patel and various Israeli government members Patelgate!”

Credibility went on to explain that Theresa May appears not to have learned from the experiences of her predecessors.

“You take Tony T-Bone Blair and David “The Wonder” Cameron, they knew when to get out of dodge. It’s before the proverbial hits the fan. Theresa? Goodness, she is holding onto my tail tighter than if I was a tiger!”

Unfortunately for the current prime minister Credibility’s tail is much like a small lizards.

“I’ve let the tail go my friends. Let it snap off so I can get away to live another day. It will grow back soon enough. But if I keep hanging about with Theresa while she politically dies her death of a thousand cuts, I risk having my very definition changed in common useage! I am not having that. I’ve made it too far to let a Brexit droid change me in the QED.”

Without Credibility by her side it’s uncertain how much longer Theresa May can cling onto that billion pound bung bought majority that allows her to stay at 10 Downing Street like the last guest at a wake for British democracy.

“If she’s smart she’ll get out now,” Credibility advises.

“Get out and get on the after dinner talk show junket circuit. IF the suggestion in the Jewish Chronicle article that she knew what Priti was up to is true, she won’t even be able to get a job propping up a bar as the pub bore.”

We’re pretty sure ATOS will still pass her fit for work as a barfly though. Repeatedly telling a disingenuous story of victimisation? She’ll be perfect at it.

Priti Patel MP is expected to get back on the front foot today and defend her actions in August by attacking Foreign Secretary Boris Johnson.

“Seriously, what is with you people?” she is expected to begin, “you’ve all seen who is foreign secretary. A bumbling, lazy clown who doesn’t read his briefs but takes them off quickly enough. Would you trust him with Middle East foreign policy if you worked with him?”

LCD Views turned to our foreign policy analyst, Prof D Wit, for his analysis on Ms Patel’s argument.

“She’s got a point. When you take into consideration Mr Johnson’s history of offending foreign governments. The ghastly hash he’s made out of the Nazarin situation.

The sheer scale and complexity of problems the U.K. faces at home currently, leading to more difficult relations abroad, yes, I’d be running my own foreign policy agenda if I were in the cabinet, or even just a government drawer.”

Ms May is feeling mounting pressure to sack Ms Patel and replace her with a responsible, proven, trustworthy, infallible middle aged man as soon as possible.

“I expect Ms May will have to act today. Ms Patel is on a surprisingly official visit to Africa at the moment, but I hope she flies at least business class, as she will most likely to be about facing and flying home within hours.”

Prof Wit adds,

“I expect Ms Patel to be promoted to the office of foreign secretary by this evening as after her actions in August she is now better qualified than Boris Johnson for the position.”

LCD Views has received a sketched drawing this evening that appears to show Theresa May hiding from her drinks cabinet and possibly even a Georgian wardrobe.

The furnishings are said to be causing an irrational anxiety in the woman who wonders how long she’ll be British prime minister (every minute) due to the trouble she’s currently having with her cabinet in government.

An aide to the handler of Larry the cat phoned in what he’s been observing while charging the kitty litter in the basement laundry room of what he believes to be 10 Downing Street.

“It’s actually getting worse. Initially it was just that Edwardian trunk chest type thing she made foreign secretary that made her twitch.

Now it’s also the piano chair covered in green fabric, the rocking chair which tried to divert foreign aid money to foreign militaries and worse of all is the built in wardrobe with all the calculators.”

Exacerbating her anxieties is the thought that at any moment her shoerack, her coat hangers and maybe even her bidet may suddenly turn out to be shoddy, unscrupulous and off meeting foreign heads of state when she presumed them where she placed them when she moved in and began airing out all the musty smells her predecessor imbued the atmosphere of the famous home with.

“I expect she will make a move against IKEA shortly. That’s where she seems to believe the greatest looming risk waits now.”

She is rumoured to sneak to her laptop in the evenings, open it and navigate to the famous flat pack furniture retailer’s website and stare at the cabinets for sale and tremble.

“Out, out spot. Go away. Shoo. That’s what we hear being muttered in the dark of night. I did suggest she just sack the people causing her so much pain and confusion, but I did it while standing in front of an ironing board and she fled in terror to the toilet.”

LCD Views’ arts correspondent is buzzing about the office this morning barely able to contain his excitement with the news that David Cameron is expected to announce his ‘Everyman’s Shed’ tour dates for 2018.

“I was actually hoping for a festive special,” Dee Ranged said. “Maybe David as Santa visiting some poor person’s hovel to count their bedrooms.

And if they’ve been really good and are sleeping six to a room he could give them advice on efficient personal finance management. But a spring extravaganza with him dressed as a rabbit would also be very cool.”

As to what David will talk about while visiting the towns and villages of the country is open to speculation.

“I expect he’ll do it fireside chat style,” Dee speculates. “Mention his struggles growing up. The desperate fear he wouldn’t get into the best schools. How hard he’s had it generally. Maybe also a little bit of score settling, just for the PR value.

Oh, and all the time he probably spent studying Blair to make it as Conservative party leader and allegedly completely set the country up for Brexit with a catalogue of interpretive dance cluenesses and inventive gutlessness in the face of what looks like a resurgent fascist genie in British political life.

Honest. Open. Like the man himself.”

It’s further speculated he’ll mention his struggles to get a personal makeover after leaving Downing Street and the personal drive to make Sam’s clothing range accessible in price point.”

Tickets are sure to sell faster than a Tory seeking a toilet in the midst of a scandal, so be ready to get yours for just the price of an average after dinner speech the moment they go on sale.

There are expected to be dramatic scenes at the foreign office this morning as gamekeepers, presumably from London Zoo, are rumoured to be called in to sedate pet bull elephant Boris and move him to an undisclosed Cumbrian safari park.

“We have to take action. It’s in the national interest,” head of things with tusks, Dr G. Whizz, told LCD Views natural history correspondent.

“It’s inconceivable to have a bull elephant like Boris, who is perpetually in musk, just roaming free crashing into the furnishings at the foreign office any longer.

There’s a lot of antiques, some of them are already in need of repair. And he breaks every single thing you give him to play with, especially if it was gifted to us by a foreign government. It’s ridiculous. It’s not a suitable environment for an animal of his nature.”

It’s believed Boris won’t be bought back out of sedation gently, but will be jammed in the backside with a massive dose of steroids to shock him onto his feet in the hope he’ll run into nearby woods, hit a tree, knock himself out and have a revelation.

“We really want him to undo the horrific bit of incompetence involving that woman on holiday in Iran. Falling that, we hope he’ll decide to get his balls chopped off and calm the fuck down for a while.

At least in the Cumbrian countryside, in the drizzle, behind electric fences, he’s far enough away from Downing Street so he can’t get any ideas about being re-homed inside no 10. And he has those all the time. Give him a bucket of paint and a brush and some butcher’s paper and he draws 10’s endlessly.”

It’s hoped Boris will decide also, while residing at the safari park, to have his balls chopped off  and chill out, a bit like a neutered cat. But no one is holding out much hope.

Presumably a metaphorical, political poacher will sooner or later see to that with a giant pair of grisly shears, maybe before the next appalling gaffe that directly impacts on the life of someone rotting in a tyrannical regime’s prison, maybe not though, after all, Boris is Boris…

LCD Views can reveal an exciting development in the world of tax avoidance this evening with the exhilarating news that the government is to spend £50BN on a tax toilet big enough to hide all the tax avoiders in at once.

The startling development comes after Conservative Lord Burninghouse was forced to take sanctuary in a W.C. to get away from traitorous so called reporters who wanted to ask him unjust questions about his tax arrangements.

We spoke to a representative from the newly formed government department, Ministry for Making Hay and Getting Away with It, or MFMHGAWI, to learn more.

“We can’t have upfront and patriotic Lords of the realm like Lord Burninghouse having to put up with more lords and mps and party donors jamming themselves in with him as the revelations of the paradise papers continue. It’s inhuman. It’s probably a breach of his human rights and we should probably take this all the way to the EU court of human rights. Wait. Is that treason?”

Work on the giant toilet is expected to start as soon as midnight with builders brought in from all over the continent of Europe to make sure the job is completed by dawn.

“Clearly such skilled labour won’t need visas in a time of special interests like this. Either now or in the future.”

The expense of the toilet is expected to be so hard on the public purse because tax avoidance is what is totally demolishing certain democracies in the West, no, wait, it needs to be the size of a football field and have rare ivory and virgin gold taps.

“It’s going to be a total win for the construction industry. Just imagine being one of the 1% allowed inside and never really paying a dime while the pathetic working class pay for the roads you drive on and the public utilities you enjoy?”

Just imagine it. Taking your trousers down and knowing you don’t think there’s a god damned thing the great unwashed can do to keep you out of your special tax toilet, then take a dump on them. Joy!

LCD Views’ arts correspondent was invited for a special viewing of the painting of the prime minister kept hidden in her loft since she first stood as a Conservative party candidate all those years ago.

“I was with a sense of giddy excitement that I mounted the shadowy stairs that lead up to Ms May’s loft,” Dr Art related.

“Many times over the years I’d heard whispers of the terrifying works of postmodern, neo classical, abstract, pre-raphaelite expressionism she purchases only to concern from the eyes of the world whenever a food bank is forced into tightened budgetary straights by austerity.

It is usual practise for such long established institutions to sell off some of the art on their walls and Ms May is said to be always there, ready to pounce on a collectible.”

But as Dr Art entered the loft, armed only with the moments of invented energy gathered since his creation seconds ago, he was met with a spectacle he had not expected.

“I knew the portrait that I was coming to see would look greyed and battered by her time as prime minister. I knew I would have to open the lid of a chest freezer and peer inside to see it.

I never expected her image in paint to look like Mr Osborne’s colorful and headline grabbing statement from a few weeks ago.”

Dr Art has labelled the picture ‘The Portrait of Dorian May’.

“As I stood transfixed the door closed behind me, the light went off and a voice began to cry ‘Help me. Help me. I don’t know what to do. You have to help me. It’s not only Brexit, George Osborne is coming for me.”