LCD Views

David Davis MP, head of the fantastically visionary Department for Exiting the EU, is said to be so out of ideas for how to drive talks forward that the only thing left to do is to get really drunk with Junker and hope to come out the better of it in the ensuing public spectacle.

LCD Views met secretly with someone claiming to be an aide to Davis to hear more about the inside planning going on to avoid the cliff edge. We met them on the Thames embankment on a bench facing the river. They sat at one end of the bench, we sat at the other, both faced away and talked out of the corner of our mouths.

“Are you sure you weren’t followed?” the aide asked LCD Views, “I’m gone if you were. This is incredibly risky. I didn’t sign up to be deep throat.”

Assurances were given that our reporter was not followed, although in truth, we’re a ramshackle and amateur outfit, so no measures were taken to avoid it. It never actually occurred to us we would be.

“He’s really scratching his head now on Brexit,” the aide mumbled, “He thought he’d just walk in there with his hands clearly empty, ready for a scrap, and lay it down. We’re an imperial power. We’ve got nukes from the yanks. We’ve got aircraft carriers that’ll have even have planes borrowed from the Americans sooner or later. Don’t mess with us.”

But it seems things didn’t pan out as expected.

“Barnier has such big piles of paper. They’ve got words on them too. It’s pretty sneaky what the EU is up to. They appear to have prepared. We’re not happy. This is supposed to be improv.”

But with the EU blocking Davis and May and their cunning plan to just get what they want because they want it, blue sky thinking is now looked to for the answer.

“He’s needs to get Junker drunk and get into a fight,” the aide nodded. “It’s a perfect plan. Here, we’ve even sketched out how it should go with stickmen.”

The aide slid a piece of paper across the bench.

“Make sure you run this if you go to print. Junker is the one with the bottle in his hand. It’s perfect. Davis is going to dance about like a prat and wait for him to knock himself out. Just one of the many possibilities represented by Brexit!”

Theresa May sent a sacrificial junior minister out amongst hungry journalists this morning to announce she has ordered Monarch bought out of administration for the purpose of forcibly flying pro-EU voters to Thanet in Kent on package holidays.

“Monarch by name, monarch by nature,” Mr Largeli Jobbli, MP for Basildon-on-Firth began, “and our Prime Minister is going to raise the phoenix from the ashes and revitalise a long neglected corner of the UK at the same time. You could say it’s two phoenixes for the price of one.”

Details of how the remain sympathetic voters will be forced to board the refloated airliners were sketchy, but Mr Jobbli was cheerful, full of what traitors can expect upon arriving in Thanet.

“Constant electronic supervision. A gold standard for attentive government. Biometric testing to ensure they receive the correct ration packs. Negligible medical care. This will actually be a boon for the private sector. We will be putting out to tender the contract to supervise these subversives during their relaxing re-education. Well, it will be G4S who wins the contract, but we’ll have the expected tender circus to keep up appearances.”

Apparently, large plastic palm trees have been installed and lucky punters will be encouraged to sit through a cabaret of Nigel Farage lookalikes who will sing and dance to a soundtrack which fully realises the possibilities presented by Brexit.

“This is a cross government initiative,” Lobbli enthused, “the Department for education will soon be issuing guidelines for all schools on how teachers can encourage their pupils to be the eyes and ears of the government in the home. So we go forward as one nation to the sunny uplands of negotiating trade deals alone against America, governed by our friend Donald, and China, who are building us a cheap nuclear power plant, there are only good outcomes. To expect anything less is probably actually treason.”

If you’re signing petitions calling for the people to have the final say on any Brexit deal or no deal, pack your bags, you’ll soon be flying Monarch to Thanet.

You won’t even need a passport.

But probably best to pack a blue one, just in case you stumble across an inflatable washed up on the beach and make good your escape across the channel.