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Brexit Dad to get his family a puppy for Christmas but says it’s not for life

“The kids have been banging on about a puppy forever,” Figel Narage told LCD Views’ Happy Families columnist. “I think it’s too much responsibility, for me.”

But it seems the kids have won out?

“So I said, fine, okay, you can have one, but it can’t be from a shelter because those dogs all have mange.

And most are foreign anyway brought into the country by bleeding heart libtards and then just dumped on the street for the hard working, honest British taxpayer to look after.”

Our correspondent asked how he knew this, for a fact?

“It was in the Daily Fail. Front page. Every other Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Monday and Friday.”

“It’s going to be a surprise. A Christmas surprise,” Mrs Narage quietly interjected, from her chair in the corner.

Her input forced a tired sigh from Figel.

“She’s put them up to it.”

“I didn’t darling. Every child should have a puppy. It teaches them to care for others.”

The interview paused for a little while so Mr and Mrs could discuss the pros and cons of a puppy, we suspected it was not for the first time.

“It’s going back as soon as it grows up,” Mr Narage finished the debate. “I’m only prepared to transfer so much of my hard earned money out of my account in Jersey to pay for poop bags and food.”

But won’t the children be devastated? They’ll have fallen in love with it only to have it taken away, seemingly arbitrarily?

“Listen snowflake, when I was a boy my dad used to keep a dog to set on the neighbours when they came about pestering for cups of flour. That was a good laugh.”

But what does that have to do with today?

“The children will be fine when the puppy goes to a shelter. They’ll just have to pull together and make the best of it. It’ll harden them up and set them up to make a success of life.”

And what will you call the puppy?

“Sovereign, or Half Sovereign. I haven’t decided yet.”

“Christmas Day is going to be beautiful.” Mrs Narage nods.

“Yes. And the random date I pluck out of a hat to get rid of the dog is going to be even better.”

But what if the shelter will not take Sovereign back?

There was silence a moment, until Mrs Narage commented quietly,

“We’ll just have to tell the kids we lost Sovereign and dump it.”

And for the first time in the interview, Mr Narage smiled.

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Animals decide that government ministers can’t feel pain or emotions

The latest outrageous claim from the Animal Kingdom dares to suggest that lower life forms, such as politicians, are incapable of feeling, well, anything.

A paltry attempt at self-justification was made by spokes-animal Y. Lee Fox. “It’s quite clear that these creatures are incapable of emotion,” said Mr Fox. “One glance at their record on welfare, for example, is enough to tell you that!”

Other animals joined the baying mob. “They think that they can hunt us!” exclaimed K. Charles Spaniel. “The country’s going to the dogs.”

It is clearly a man-bites-dog story, suggested LCD’s Primates And Other Mammals Correspondent. “Not at all,” retorts Mr Spaniel. “It’s barking mad to suggest that this is in any way unusual. The mutineers must be muzzled.”

The big beasts have been rolled out to confront angry human rights campaigners. “This is not really news at all,” trumpeted Nellie D. Elephant. “You guys have been too busy flapping your big ears in your ivory towers. My good friend and colleague Donald Tusk assures me that there is nothing to get hot under the collar about.” And off she went with a Trumpety Trump.

The protestors, small rodents in the main, were not convinced in the least. “They have pulled this stunt before,” claimed spokes-rabbit Bunny Hopps. “Think of the poor Mays, Goves and Johnsons, whom we injure daily with our cruel jibes. But the Animal Kingdom refuses to take us seriously. We have a mole on the inside who believes they will rat on any deal we make.”

Meanwhile, in secret “black labs”, it is believed that highly-qualified owls are running experiments upon live humans. LCD Views believes that these poor creatures are subjected to animal behaviours and habits. Some subjects are fed catnip, others made to spend all day running inside a wheel. Still more are obliged to poo in the garden and lick their own bottoms clean.

After all, they are only human.

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Experts suggest May-an calendar will give different date for end of world each time it’s read

Fears are growing in the temple of the high priests at Westminster that their ruler may have misread the Mayan calendar when seeking the date the world as we know it now ends.

“We really looked at it really hard,” temple novice Mordaunt advised LCD Views’ Make-it-up correspondent.

“We didn’t just pick 11pm 29/03/19 out of a hat you know. We cross referenced it with the calendar used by the empire across the water to make sure they knew that we meant business.”

It’s believed the preferred date was actually the 1st April 2019, but there were concerns that this day might lead to speculation the temple wasn’t serious because it would clash with an annual festival called April Fools Day.

“We’re going to have to do both the long and the short count all over again. It maybe wise to wait for further auspicious signs before deciding on the precise moment we destroy the old order and begin a powerful new magic kingdom. You know, comets in the sky, volcanoes under car manufacturing, tidal waves sweeping away trade at Dover, that sort of thing.”

But critics of the indecision have also weighed into the discussion by demanding they just end it all now and see what the empire across the water thinks of it.

“The best way to ensure we take all our treasure into the next world is to not give anyone any warning that we’re going at all, so they can’t escape.”

While there is clearly indecision in the temple corridors and the Mayan calendar will need to be consulted again, one thing seems certain, and that is a single day to celebrate fools each year may soon be 364 days too few.

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“My Little Brexit” impact assessments coming soon

Alarming news this afternoon that the government’s announcement it will be soon be releasing the Brexit impact reports has been met by the threat of legal action by the publisher of the ‘My Little Pony’ children’s books.

“We just wanted to present them on a level that steadfast supporters of Brexit, within and without government, could understand easily,” Ms Total Ly, junior minister at DExEU, advised LCD Views.

“It never occurred to us that a matter of national importance would require us to actually work from scratch and figure out a new narrative when there are so many classic British stories to borrow from.”

It’s believed the mistake may also be a result of the time pressure the department is under to produce the reports alongside unpatriotic collaborators working with reality to undermine Brexit.

“We really could have done with a longer extension on our assignment,” Ms Ly advised, “well, not me, but the senior ministers involved. Apparently they’ve only been campaigning for Brexit for forty something years. Hardly enough time to have worked up any idea of how to actually implement it.”

It’s believed the pony book publisher is most incensed over the borrowing of their very original works because there is,

“Absolutely no way we would ever subject Applejack to the excessive fantasy and guaranteed bad end with few lessons learned that Davis and Fox and rest will meet,” a spokesman claiming to speak for the publisher advised.

“I mean we deal in make believe here, but Brexit? That’s a crazed delusion I fear our young readers will never escape from if they’re sucked into that realm.”

It’s believed DExEU will offer to settle out of court, should proceedings commence, as will presumably many of the main character actors involved in Brexit itself.

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British official sought in connection with unprovoked attack of unintended irony

LCD Views can report today on rumours that a high ranking British official is being sought for questioning after an unprovoked attack of unintended irony.

The surprise assault is said to have happened in Berlin during an otherwise well mannered evening involving German business leaders and the as yet unnamed British official.

We spoke to colleagues based in Berlin to hear what few details have yet been released to the public.

“It was about 9pm and a silver tongued Englishman, who styles himself as a negotiator of international importance, but who has no visible achievements in the field, took to the podium to offer the gathered business leaders an offer too good to refuse.”

The offer is believed to have been a sizeable portion of the London based financial services sector, countrywide automotive, pharmaceutical, and aeronautical industries, alongside our international reputation and influence, in exchange for accepting an undisclosed sum in the tens of billions from the UK.
Seemingly a very attractive offer.

“But it seems he sensed that his open handed and benevolent offer of continuing friendship was being viewed skeptically by the pragmatic group gathered in the room.”

That’s when it happened. He appeared to drop his disarming smile and lunge at them with unintended irony.

“I’m sure the attack was unplanned. Or if it was, it was not thought through, as he suddenly warned the group not to put politics before prosperity.”

As the official is apparently only able to pretend to high importance solely based on a political project with no basis in reality, and which apparently risks causing mass harm of the mutual kind to shared prosperity, the assault of unintended irony was savage and bruising.
Many were left baffled and wondering how to prevent a repetition.

“He made good his escape soon after. But it’s feared he could strike again without warning. People are warned to be on their guard and make sure the batteries in their bullshit metres are fully charged.”

LCD Views urges our massive global readership to report any sightings of the individual to the nearest polling date and help stop him striking again.

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Restaurant buying replacement chairs regrets telling customers to ‘take a seat’

Red-faced restaurateurs are facing crippling bills after losing huge quantities of furniture. This is the surprising result of politeness. Waiters meeting and greeting customers were instructed to say ‘take a seat’. Many customers have interpreted the phrase literally.

Bosses at Greedy McCready’s restaurant were initially astonished when diners began to complain that there were no seats available. It took some time to realise that the reason was a lack of chairs, not space.

“It took a long time for the penny to drop,” said “Lightning” Rod McCready, managing director of Greedy McCready’s. ‘But we have learned our lesson. No more politeness. No more turning the other cheek to the cheeky fat bastards who eat here.”

McCready’s chairs, being designed for the more generously proportioned diner, have become the ‘must-have’ accessory among tubby folk. They are also much more comfortable than, say, a standard dining chair.

“I found the chairs addictively comfortable,” claims one anonymous chubster. “I just had to have one at home! Besides after my dinner I couldn’t squeeze back out of it, so it came right home with me.”

Others are less subtle. “They said, take a seat,” said a shifty type with an unmarked white Transit van. “So I did. The local plumpies love them. It’s a nice little earner and good advertising for McCready’s.”

“Lightning” Rod disagrees. “I had to spend thousands at IKEA on supersized Phati chairs, then get some guy to fix them to the floor,” he fumed. “It could drive me out of business! Bloody thieving blubbery buggers!”

McCready once experimented with beanbags, since they accommodate even the lardiest backside. Unfortunately his ever-hungry clientele would eat the beans between courses.

“I’ve learned from my mistakes,” admits McCready. This is quite true, according to well-fed sources, although politeness has not been discarded altogether.

The new greeting at Greedy McCready’s is Help Yourself To A Table.

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Southern Rail offer Robert Mugabe political asylum on the delayed 08:34 train to Brighton

Southern Rail have intervened in the deep political crisis in Zimbabwe today with their standard wisdom, in a way that has surprised few, by offering Robert Mugabe political asylum on the delayed 08:34 service between Clapham Junction and Brighton.

People who have never used the train service may find it a little baffling that they have chosen to offer the 93 year old, who many believe effectively a dictator, sanctuary, but for Southern’s regular customers it’s no surprise.

“I can see it being a neat fit,” Mr F Rustrated of Woking commented, “Mugabe has been all over reducing levels of customer satisfaction and forcing people to repress anxiety, hunger and despair at just how long it will go on for. Exactly the same as Southern. Not to mention the feeling the whole gig is rigged.”

It’s not clear what Southern Rail will do if their offer is accepted, although cancelling numerous trains in celebration is probably high on the list.

It’s also not clear how they intend to get Mr Mugabe onto the specified train.
“The train isn’t going anywhere fast,” a PR whiz from Southern commented, “and neither is the president of Zimbabwe. It seems. We’ll be snug as bugs together.”

The representative added he was personally hopeful that Mr Mugabe could be the new voice of Southern, while a little worried that Virgin Trains may pinch the contract from under their noses.

“We need to get up to speed on this one quickly. Or at least find a way to present the relevant statistics imaginatively enough to get a minister of state like Grayling on our side.”

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Patterson and Fox in furious row over who cuts the ribbon at first British unicorn farm opening

LCD’s Westminster mole reports this afternoon that a furious row has broken out between Owen Patterson and Liam Fox over who gets to cut the ribbon at the opening ceremony of the first British unicorn farm upon Brexit.

“Owen believes it should be him,” A Mole said, “as he’s sure he’s going to be able to personally arrange gigantic export deals to China of prime quality unicorn prestige British T-bone steak.”

But Fox is said to be livid at Patterson stepping on his FTA toes and gone after him while holding a cup of jelly beans in the Commons lunch room.

“I hear it became pretty ugly. Liam threw the purple jelly beans first because they’re not his favourite colour. Then the greens. Owen picked up a folding chair and looked like he was going to throw it but it folded up and caught his pinky finger.”

It was at this point that the new Tory chief whip intervened to stop the spectacle before Tom Watson could write about it on Facebook.

“They’ve both been given detention this afternoon. Everyone is sure they’ll fight again in the room and MPs are desperately trying to get into trouble so they can be in the room to watch the action.”

It’s not thought the dispute will be settled easily.

Liam is the best deal maker the U.K. has ever produced, but Owen will claim we’re only going to be able to grow real unicorns in the first place because of his GMO work with goats at home in his shed all these years when everyone said he was crazy.

“At least the farmer in Cornwall who’s been chosen to grow the unicorns to harvest will be happy whatever happens,” A. Mole added, “as unicorns pretty much grow and harvest themselves by magic.”

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Government minister appears on state TV to deny rumours of coup

A government minister has appeared on state TV during the night to deny rumours of a coup.

“There is ah, well, absolutely, totally unfounded, any suggestion that I and my good colleague Boris are attempting a coup is completely unfounded,” the minister stated, although eyebrows were raised by his military fatigues.

In spite of the statement many seem to think it’s more likely he is on manoeuvres in alliance with Boris Johnson.

“It’s likely they’ve stitched up some stupid pact again,” LCD Views chief political correspondent, K. Luensberg mused.

“Boris is naive. He seems to think because Gove came off the worse for it last time they played the devil to each other’s Faust, that he’ll not try it again. Whereas Gove hasn’t had a human feeling since he was excessively potty shamed as an eight year old and is very ready to plunge the knife into Boris’ back all over again, using the scars of last time as guides.”

He’ll just try and push a little harder and a bit more frenzied this time.

“The plan is most likely to be to make Boris prime minister and Gove chancellor of the exchequer, only Gove will try and trip Boris up as he skips up the step into Downing Street with some muck Williamson gave him out of his black book when he was whip. Then Gove becomes PM and Williamson moves out of the defence ministry into Chancellor. Once there he can savagely beat Gove about the head politically and become prime minister. Everyone is planning short term in the country’s best interests.”

It’s not sure how the country will react to the government minister’s appearance.

“Most people will probably try and keep their heads down and wait it out. I doubt anyone will believe a word, after all, it is Michael Gove. An actual talking toerag would have more credibility.”

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Chancellor writing note “There’s no sanity left” ahead of next week’s budget

Philip Hammond was rumoured to be preparing to depart the office of chancellor today after waking in the night, it is said, to find Michael Gove sitting on the edge of his bed.

“He’s terrified,” a caller claiming to be Gladstone, the exchequer cat, told LCD Views.

“Hammond is generally kept under lock and key to avoid fights anyway, so to wake and find something that appears monstrously reptilian in the dark on his bed has him spooked beyond words.”

It’s already believed that the atmosphere at 11 Downing Street varies between morose to horror at the best of times.

This is a result of Hammond owning a calculator and continually forecasting the country’s financiers with Brexit in the future.

“Boris drops by each morning too,” Gladstone continued. “He appears to have some sort of skeleton key. Hammond orders the lock changed on the door daily, but each morning when he sits down to breakfast on half a grapefruit and a glass of goat’s milk, there’s Boris at his table having a fry up.”

It’s not certain what Boris says, but Gladstone believes he rambles on merrily about becoming prime minister any day now and replacing Hammond with Gove as chancellor as payment for his part in the plot.

“He normally finishes up his sausages and eggs before grabbing Hammond’s calculator and writing boob on it with the eight and zero.”

Hammond knows his days are numbered, according to Gladstone.

“Each time May picks up the phone to scream at him to find more money he tells her there isn’t any left. This isn’t going down well. He’s supposed to be a post-factual chancellor, because that’s the guiding agenda for the entirety of government.”

Gladstone adds that he is uncertain about his own future at 11 Downing Street too.

“My main task is to radiate excessive self confidence not founded in anything resembling reality, before cleaning my bum. Once Gove moves in, I’ll be out of a job too.”